Since You've Been Gone :)
This life I'm living, this cold and empty life feels like a dream, a dark depressing reoccurring dream. Nothing seems to make sense anymore and even the simplest of tasks are hard work, leaving me feeling even more numb and worthless. It's been one hell of a ride these last four months one that I tried so hard to get off of, one that makes me sick, so sick that at times I thought I would die. I think back to when the darkness started to consume me and I guess George was the beginning, sweet, innocent George. I took everything from him in one night without a second thought, desperate to feel something, anything from anyone. He gave himself to me and all I took from him was his innocence. I treated him as if he was nothing and to me he was nothing, just a fuck. A cold meaningless fuck. I guess he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I could've stopped it. I should've stopped it, but with misery and loneliness running through every part of me I just needed to feel. He learned a harsh lesson, but then so did I.
I tried hard to keep myself together, but nothing I did made any difference to the downward spiral that I found myself tangled in. I tried to think of the positive things in my life like Leah and Lucas, Doug and the Deli, but after already losing the kids nothing else really mattered. I thought Amy would understand. I thought she would let me spend time with them, but she took them away when I needed them the most and I'll never forgive her for that. Being at the Deli with Doug made me worse, I thought it would always be a haven for me, but all it did was remind me of all the time I'd wasted being with someone that I didn't love. Settling for second best and missing out on so much. I found myself hating going to work; I needed something else, something bigger and better. My sights became set on the club and soon enough Chez Chez was all I could see. I needed it, needed it more than anything and I would've stopped at nothing to get it. Getting Doug to buy me out wasn't going to work; I needed money, fast! And slowly I felt myself going back to a life I thought I'd left behind.
Drugs became a part of my daily life. Selling them at work was a bit risky, but I didn't care. I had my little helper, someone I could bully. Someone I could make do anything I'd say. I became someone I didn't recognise anymore, but that just pushed me further into a path of self-destruction. After losing out on buying the club I felt even more lost. I had nothing to set my sights on, nothing to fight for and nothing to live for. Getting involved with Trevor wasn't something I'd have chosen to do, but it happened anyway. Selling drugs for him wasn't ideal, but at least it made me feel alive. That man is pure evil, he controls so many people. He's like fifty of Terry all rolled in to one. I knew I'd soon cross him, I knew I'd soon make him angry. Funny thing was when he beat me up it actually felt nice as it took away the pain in my heart. I thought he was gonna kill me; I guess in a way I wanted him to, that way the pain would stop forever. Everyone would be better off without me anyway; no one would even notice I was gone.
I became a shadow of my former self, a lost soul, but my path crossed with another lost soul and together we just might have saved each other. Sinead needed somewhere to stay and I needed money, but somewhere along the way she became my best friend, my double act, my partner in crime and I'm grateful to her every day. Living with her and Katie hasn't changed me, but it's stopped me sinking. Seeing Katie's little face every morning reminds me of when Leah and Lucas were little and it fills my cold heart with warmth. People say I'm no good for them, that I'm just a bad influence, but I'm not. I love Katie as if she was my own and I will always make sure that she is okay. People think that I'm just a scally, a druggie and that I'm not capable of looking after myself let alone a child, but they're wrong. I may not care about myself anymore, but I'd do anything for Sinead and Katie. I should prove them all wrong really, show them that I'm more than that, but what would be the point, their minds are already made up. We're getting away from here soon anyway…a fresh start.
Nothing could have prepared me though for what was to come. Tony calling round, checking on me, I mean did he think I was born yesterday? I knew there had to be more to it, but I thought it was to do with Sinead. I never dreamed it would be anything to do with my Mum. Turns out she has the big C. Cancer spreading through her, taking over her body and infecting all of her goodness, destroying her, making her fade away into nothingness. I wonder if she was even going to tell me. I tried to ignore Tony, but he wouldn't give up. He even said that if I didn't go and see her that I would regret it, but why would I? All that woman has even done is hurt me so why should I care now? The thing is I do care, how stupid is that? I listen to Tony because unlike her I do have a heart, even if it is black and broken right now. I go round, let myself in with the spare key and when I see her my broken heart breaks even more. She is worse than I thought. That fresh start will have to wait now.
My decision to bring her home was an easy one, it doesn't matter how badly she treated me in the past I can't leave her on her own to die…I won't. She is still mouthy and full of insults even though she is dying, but I'm so used to it that it doesn't even hurt me anymore. Seeing her so weak and pale though that's different and I can't hold back the tears. No matter what she is still my Mum and even now all I want her to do is love me. I find a box with all her stuff and I take a look inside, she tells me not to but I don't listen and inside the box is cards and letters from my Dad, the same Dad that didn't want anything to do with me. I guess that is tomorrows problem. We talk about everything, really talk and for the first time in my life, it feels like she loves me. I find myself lying next to her, holding on to her so tightly never wanting to let go and in that moment I don't. Old wounds start to heal as I feel nothing but love for her. When she asks me to help her end it all, those same wounds feel like they are being ripped apart again and I feel like I am drowning in my own tears.
After getting advice I decide to respect her wishes and agree to help her. Not only am I a druggie scally, but I'll soon be a murderer as well. We talk some more, she tells me everything I've ever wanted to hear, she tells me she is proud of me. She tells me she loves me and right now my heart feels like it is going to burst with joy; it's all I've ever wanted. But my joy is short lived and when she tells me she's ready to die the pain returns, stronger than ever. She asks me to read to her and I do because I can now, because no matter how bad she was to me in the past, right now she is my dying Mum, my dying Mum who loves me and who I love back. "I promise to wake up with you when you cry at night. I'll feed you, change you, rock you, hold and hug you tight. I promise storms won't hurt you, even though they sound that way. Lets just sing and dance so loudly, and think of sunny days. I can't promise to be perfect, this I admit is true. But I can promise you this: I will always love you."
It breaks me in two, shatters even more this already shattered heart and now all I can see in my mind is you, Brendan Brady. How none of this would be happening if you were here. How my life would be simple, pure and beautiful. This is all your fault…all of it. If you were here I'd be happy, I'd still be working in the Deli and I'd still have friends. I'd have it all. But you're not here, you promised me in the next life, but you made promises before and you broke those promises time and time again, just like you've broke me now. My Mum dying would still be happening if you were here, but with you standing by my side, helping me, holding me wrapping me up in your love I know I'd be okay. You'd be strong enough for us both and in a world of darkness and despair you'd make me shine, just like you always did. See with you I can overcome anything. I miss you so much and I wish more than ever that you could be here. I wish I could entwine my fingers in yours as I watch my Mum die, but that's just a foolish dream. Maybe I could die with her as I feel it even more now, that emptiness eating away at me, that void that cannot be filled and never will be…since you've been gone.
A little sad I know, but sadness is good sometimes. It's heart-breaking watching Ste on screen, If only he had his Brendan.
Please review xx xx xx