Harry Potter and the Painful Patronus
Chapter One: A Little Practice
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
As expected, Harry sent the boggart back into the wooden chest from which it had emerged only moments before in the guise of a Dementor. Even Lupin had to agree that Harry's skill at casting the patronus charm had exceeded his own recently.
"Well that's enough for today!" Lupin said. "In fact, I don't really see any point in us practicing this anymore. You've nailed it."
"Oh come on," Harry pleaded, "just one more time! I'm sure I can improve."
"Yeah, come on," cried out Ron, who was sitting nearby with Hermione, watching Harry's weekly practice session. "Let him do one more!" Ron loved these sessions. Hermione, on the other hand, felt that the three boys—Harry, Ron, and Lupin—were not taking these matters as seriously as they deserved.
"It's not a game!" she scolded, but nobody listened. Ever since the threat of the Dementors had diminished for the time being, these sessions had become more of a form of escape for Harry and Ron. Lupin too, who was no longer welcome to teach at Hogwarts, found them a welcome distraction.
"Alright," said Lupin. "One more. But this time, really let it have it!"
Harry grinned and gripped his wand in anticipation. Lupin stepped forward and raised the lid of the chest. For a moment nothing happened, then not one but a whole host of Dementors rose menacingly above Harry. He raised his wand, pointed it at the black figures and cried out.
"EXPECTO PATROGUM!"
There was a strange fizzing noise, like a sparkler, then a loud bang, as though an aerosol can had exploded. The Dementors, however, were still hovering. They began to move towards Harry who was now confused and terrified and fumbling his wand.
"EXPECTO PATRONUM!" cried Lupin, sending the creatures back into the box and sliding the bolt shut. He was as white as
Harry. He looked at him intently: "Did you say… patro-GUM?"
"Errr… I guess so," Harry stammered. He wasn't sure why he felt so rattled, or why Lupin was so concerned for that matter. After all, nothing bad had happened. He expected that the loud bang was just some nearby glass beaker that exploded due to the fact that he made a pig's breakfast of the patronus charm. But upon looking about he couldn't see anything broken. Then, he turned to Ron and Hermione. The latter was shaking and staring at Ron who was clutching his groin… or what was left of it. The full gravity of the situation dawned on him.
Harry's spell had caused Ron's penis to explode.
Next: Chapter 2 - It runs in the family.