Israel Kamakawiwoʻole is a hero. That much was true. But not for his angelic voice. Not for the pride he has brought his state of Hawaii. And not even for the countless demons he surely slayed as a heavenly angel of justice, a humble yet decorated soldier in God & Budda's "United Battalion of International Security for the Overtly Faithful Troglodyte's". No.
Israel Kamakawiwoʻole is a hero because he get's paid to put on a costume and fight autistic monsters.
Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, "The Fearless Eyed". Class A, a fine fur suit with colorful and erratic lines of spray paint for his costume.
Nany have Gasm'd. Few have succeded not to. Incredibly sezzy, his fans and critics agree. But take off the road runner mask, remove the fishnets, and displace his Atomic Ukelele, and he's just another fat man. Fat, they say, is only sexy on Manimals. So whenever he goes out as himself, Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, he covers up. Sweaters, gloves and sweats, several layers deep. Anime Hawaii olis too hot for such attire. It was on one such day that we find our hero, staggering from a shop in hellish agony.
"Hey!" Israel Kamakawiwoʻole turned his head. "I thought it was too hot for a luau, but by the looks of that suckled pig, I guess it 'aint!
Israel was done. He was a man of standard man standards, and he didn't have to take this shit.
Israel took off his shirt. "Look at my manly tits."
The hawaii'n dick looked like he smelt something most unfoul, for he started to back away.
Israel grabbed the dick and shoved him between his tits, it was alnost sexual how the dick groaned at the abuse.
Israel threw the comparatively smaller dick, who ran home to mother, salty white fluids almost flying ouflof his eye balls.
Israel stood tall, and proclaimed with angelic authority "My name is Israel Kamakawiwoʻole, and I have man tits. Today I rescind my shame for my body, and implore you to do the same. I HAVE MAN TITS, AND I AM NIT ASHAMED! NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE ASHAMED OF THEIR BODIES!"
Israel Kamakawiwoʻole stood there breathless for a while, trying to think of what to say. Eventually, he left, phasing through a shop's wall.
Becausehe's a ghost.
Because he's dead.
~FIN~