Saïx was tired. Despite the fact that he usually tried to drown himself in working and hunting and killing, he felt like he couldn't go on. More so than usual. He was just so, so tired; tired of Xemnas being so controlling, tired of all the jokes at his expense, tired of living. Or existing, rather; he wasn't sure Nobodies knew how to live. If he had a heart, he was sure he'd have driven a knife through it already. Everyone thought he was with Xemnas, that his boss was nailing him. They were wrong. Saïx wouldn't ever be in a relationship with that man. Sure, he liked to use the man for some stress relief. His ass was really nice. But he was nothing to Saïx.
Tonight, Saïx was just tired. He wanted to sleep. But all that was running through his head were memories, thoughts that weren't his. Images of a flame-headed stranger flashed through his mind, and he hated that he knew who it was.
It was Lea.
His heart ached as he remembered days spent playing as children, hanging out as teens. They were best friends. He always kept Lea from getting in too much trouble.
But no, no that wasn't Saïx. These weren't Saïx's memories. They shouldn't be in his head. Was it normal for a Nobody to remember things from when he had a heart?
Isa was always careful, always cautious. He loved Lea. He remembered waking up in cold sweats with a mess in his teenage boxers, images of a sweaty Lea in his head. It ashamed him. He hated himself. But he always loved Lea.
And he so clearly remembered the day that he was delivered an olive branch, a small beam of hope. Lea, distressed and scared and only sixteen, told Isa he was gay. He didn't know what to do. But Isa just hugged him tight and let him cry it out. He would wait for Lea to be ready. They did have all the time in the world, after all.
Even more clearly he remembered the day hope was ripped from his soul with his very heart. He remembered Lea's terrified eyes and pained scream. He remembered watching both of their hearts fly up to the sky. He remembered the darkness.
And then his new memories as a new self. Meeting Axel and having no memories. They laughed together for the first time all over again, and Xemnas named them and took them in.
But then business started getting in the way. Saïx got more bloodthirsty and Axel got more lazy. And now they were nothing more than strangers, even after the memories started filtering back to him. The memories only made things worse. He would look at the lazy, self-absorbed Axel and see the green grass eyes of his young best friend. His heart ached, covered by the mask of distain and haughtiness.
At the end of the sunless day, Saïx would lock himself in his room with his hard, unforgiving bed and just try not to think of used-to-be's and could-have-been's. And he'd ignore the way his eyes would fill and his heart would break for the millionth time.