AN: Not mine.
This latest episode killed me.
I can't sleep. That's not new, but it's the first time I haven't been able to call Alex and have her reassure me. I mean, I could, but…..I think I broke us. Whatever we had between us. Everything I said to her was true, on some level, and that's what hurts the most. She said so herself. And now Hank is exposed and James is gone and I've lost my sister and Aunt Astra and I've never felt so alone. I think Winn might be the one person in my life right now who doesn't hate or fear me, but I can't even face him after what I did to Siobhan. I could barely face Cat tonight; whatever she said, I don't think she's fully forgiven me yet. I know I never will.
God, I wish I could get drunk.
I've known for a while that something was going to give, that the ugly….thing…within me was going to rear its head. I just never dreamed anything like this could ever happen. I've been angry ever since Krypton died, since I had to keep my head down and hide who and what I am on a planet where I don't belong. That on its own, I could handle, but then came the Mercy and the way Alex ripped it all away from me not even an hour before killing my last blood kin. I lost my planet and my family all over again at the hands of my own sister. I can't blame Alex—but I do, don't I? Because if I didn't, I never would have said those horrible things to her. I think that's the worst part. I understand why she did it; how could I not, when I would gladly give up my life for her? She told me she couldn't lose me. But in the end, she did. I was lost to the red kryptonite, and in its grip, every grudge I'd ever held against her came out in the worst way possible. And it's not like I knew I what would happen or there was any way I could have stopped it, but knowing that I really was responsible in the end, that everything I did was born out of my own thoughts and feelings…
The DEO has kryptonite weaponry. Maybe I should use it to make sure I can't hurt anyone ever again. Because the next time I go rogue, they might not be able to stop me.
A strange sense of calm comes over me, and I get out of bed, reaching for my Supergirl uniform. I know what I have to do, but before I can do it, I have to apologize to Alex one more time. She needs to know how much I love her and that what I'm doing, I'm doing for her even more than the rest of National City…than the world. Everything I do, I do for her. I want her to know that before I join Krypton.
It doesn't take long to write her a letter with my superspeed, the words pouring out of me like water from a fountain. Once I'm finished, I tuck the letter safely into my boot and open my window. I take a moment to gaze out at the city—not my city, anymore—before bending my knees and leaping into the skies. The lights below me used to make me feel happy, proud, when I knew they belonged to people who trusted and looked up to me. Now….now they just make me feel sick. They remind me how I utterly betrayed this place I once called home. I just hope that they'll be safe.
It doesn't take long to fly to Alex's apartment. Normally I would just slip the letter beneath her door, but I can't exactly walk in there in this outfit. Just the idea of landing on the street sends a cold chill down my spine, and I can't help wondering how people would look at me. It's not something I need answered. So instead I land on the fire escape outside and duck in through her window. Ever since we were kids, Alex has always slept with the window open. She said the breeze helped her sleep. Now I'm just thankful that I don't need to break it.
Alex isn't here, but I didn't expect her to be. She's probably still at the DEO watching over Hank and making sure General Lane or someone else doesn't hurt him. The apartment smells like her, though, and my eyes burn at the scent. Once upon a time, that smell used to mean safety for me; meant comfort and warmth and love. Now….now it's just the smell of betrayal. Hers and mine. I can't bear to look at the photos of us on her wall, photos where her arms are around my neck and my cheek is mashed against hers and we're grinning at the camera. They seem to mock me as my own words echo through my head. "And you know what the sad truth is? Without me….you have no life. And that kills you." Just the memory of Alex's face in that moment—shattered, hurting, afraid—almost makes my knees give out beneath me. How could I have hurt her so badly? How could I have said those things to my own sister?
My resolve strengthens. This is what's best, for me and for her. I gather myself and walk into her kitchen, putting the letter on her table. She'll see it whenever she next eats breakfast here, which knowing her might be a few days, but she'll come home. Alex always does. But I won't anymore. I close my eyes, letting a few tears fall. "I'm so sorry, Alex," I whisper to the silence. "I love you so much…."
"Kara."
The voice makes me freeze. I hadn't been using my super-senses because I didn't expect anyone to be here, but I don't need them now to know who it is. I know that voice; I'd heard it nearly every day until about a year before Krypton exploded. I never expected to again. Barely daring to breathe, I turn around, my heart in my throat. "Aunt Astra?" I whisper.