I did try not to start any more long stories, but then I had an idea. I hope you like it and I really hope it won't end up being insensitive. I hope I don't contradict anything in last week's episode. I'm usually careful about checking, but I don't know if I could watch the episode again. Not yet anyway.
Cal stared after Ethan, tears pooling in his eyes.
He couldn't believe it. Ethan. His baby brother.
He closed his eyes, for a moment unable to look at the lonely figure walking away from him.
"Why couldn't it have been me?" he whispered as the tears coursed down his cheeks. Then he threw his head back and repeated the words, screaming them up into the skies as though they might be able to help.
There was no sign Ethan had heard. He was still walking, his head lowered. As Cal watched, he took his glasses off and swiped at his face.
Cal looked down at his mum, still cradled in his arms. Safe and protected, as he now knew she'd tried to protect them.
At least she had been spared Ethan's suffering. Cal was grateful for that. It had been kind and selfless of Ethan to lie; to let her die happily in Cal's arms. Of course, it was possible she could have lived for longer, but Cal had somehow known, as he sat on the bench with Emilie in his arms, that he wouldn't be taking her to the hospice after all.
It was the end of a life with Emilie that had been far too short, but it had also been the end of her suffering.
And the beginning of Ethan's.
Cal gently kissed Emilie's cheek and laid her down on the bench where they'd been sitting. "I love you, Mum," he whispered. "I hope you don't know what we've just found out."
He looked at her for a moment longer, but although he wanted to stay with her, he knew there was nothing more he could do. He turned and ran down the pier. Ethan must have heard him, but he didn't turn. He just kept walking.
Cal caught up with him and wrapped his arms around him, holding Ethan's cold, tense body against his before slowly turning him around.
Cal gently wiped Ethan's tears away, though more tumbled down to replace him, wetting his fingers. Cal held Ethan's face in his hands and fought back his own tears. "I'm here, Ethan. I'm always going to be here. Whatever happens; whenever it happens, I'll be here and I'll look after you."
Ethan's eyes were unfocused. They usually were when he wasn't wearing his glasses, but Cal knew it was more than that.
Cal let his hands fall to Ethan's shoulders. He rubbed them gently and then pulled Ethan into his arms. Ethan didn't resist, but neither did he hug Cal back. His arms remained limp at his sides.
Cal knew they needed to go back. Emilie couldn't stay out here and Ethan had had a terrible shock. They both had. Although they had half-expected it, it had still shocked Cal to learn his brother had the gene and he couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Ethan.
"Come on," Cal said softly. He put his arm around Ethan and they walked back towards Emilie. Ethan went with him unresistingly, the tears still pouring down his face. Cal wanted to stop and hold him, but there were arrangements to be made. Cal wasn't in any state to drive and he could hardly expect Ethan to do it.
Driving… he hadn't even thought about driving. Cal wondered for how long Ethan would be able to drive. There were so many things he did every day without thinking about it and they'd all be taken away from him.
Cal sniffled as got his phone out. The first person to come to mind was Charlie. Charlie would be angry with him for hijacking the ambulance and not taking Emilie to the hospice for the treatment she needed to make her last days comfortable, but he'd been like a father to Cal.
He called Charlie's number and waited, knowing he could be about to hear anger and disgust but realising it wouldn't matter very much. Nothing could be as bad as the news he'd heard today.
"I'm just phoning Charlie," Cal told Ethan. He wasn't expecting a reaction, but when he didn't get one, his heart found a new way to break.
"Cal." Charlie's voice was calm and kind. For some reason, that made Cal start sobbing.
"Charlie… Oh God, Charlie…"
"Is it Emilie?" asked Charlie gently.
"She's gone," sobbed Cal. "And Ethan… Ethan…"
"Cal, what is it?" Charlie's voice sharpened. "What's wrong with Ethan?"
But Cal wasn't listening to him. Ethan had turned to brother. The tears were still falling, but there was anger on his face. "No, Cal!" he whispered. "You won't tell him. You won't!"
Cal thought Charlie needed to know. Everyone had to know. Ethan would need all their support.
"It's my decision." Although Ethan's voice was so soft, there was no mistaking the determination. "You might be my carer one day, Cal, but you have no right to make decisions for me now."
He was right. Much as it hurt, Ethan was right. All he could do was honour his request.
"Cal?" said Charlie, his voice anxious. "Are you still there?"
Cal sniffed. "Ethan accepted Mum right at the end. He called her Mum and everything. He made sure her last hour or so was happy." The final word was almost lost in sobs.
The anger drained from Ethan's face, but he continued to cry.
"I'm sure that meant everything to your mum," said Charlie. "I am so sorry, Cal. Can you tell me where you are so we can come and find you?"
Cal named the beach. His voice was so unsteady, Charlie had to ask him to repeat it, but he got it the second time. They agreed that Charlie and Iain would come in a taxi and Iain would drive the ambulance home.
"We'll be there as soon as we can," promised Charlie. "If you want to talk, you've got my number. Stay together and stay warm. And remember that everyone at the ED is here for you."
Ethan's tears had finally stopped. He sat on the ground beside Emilie, his head resting on her shoulder. Cal had told him not to sit on the ground because it was cold, but Ethan hadn't seemed to hear.
Cal had no idea how long they'd been sitting there. Sometimes he cried; sometimes his eyes were dry. He didn't always know. All he could think about was Emilie and Ethan. He wished Emilie hadn't asked them to open the envelopes. Then he wished he'd never taken and sent off the samples. They would have to know eventually, of course, but not yet. They could have taken the time to mourn Emilie and found out later.
But whenever they'd found out, the result would have been the same. The shock would have been the same. Cal began to cry again as he dropped to his knees in front of Ethan and held him tightly. "I love you, Ethan. I love you."
Ethan made no reply. He was still, his eyes vacant. It was as though he didn't see Cal at all.
"You might not get the symptoms for years," said Cal tearfully. "And there's new research being done all the time. Maybe a cure will be found. Maybe you'll be able to have treatment and get better."
Ethan still said nothing.
"I'm not giving up on you: okay?" sobbed Cal. "And I'm never going to leave you, Never. I know I've been a rubbish big brother, but that's going to change. I'll look after you. I'll do everything I should have been doing for years. Whatever happens, I'll be here."
Ethan's head jerked upwards and his eyes were hot with fury. "No! I am still the same person!" His words were a hiss. "You will treat me exactly the same as you did before and I meant what I said. You will tell no-one, Caleb. No-one."
"It will have to go on your medical records," said Cal.
"IT WILL NOT!" Ethan pushed Cal away with a strength that surprised Cal. He lay on the floor, looking up at Ethan in alarm as he walked over to the railing.
"Ethan… no…. don't do it!" cried Cal. He got to his feet and caught Ethan around the waist. "I know it's horrible. I know you feel like there's nothing left for you, but that's not true. I'll do everything you can to make sure you get to do everything you've always wanted."
"A long and healthy life?" Ethan almost sneered the words.
"As long and as healthy as it can be," promised Cal through more tears.
Ethan lifted his hand. Cal just had time to see he was holding something before he dropped it into the sea.
"Oh God, Ethan… tell me those aren't the results."
"It was Kate's phone number," said Ethan harshly.
Cal should have been relieved, but he felt his heart twist and wrench inside him. "Oh, Ethan. You didn't have to do that. You can still phone her. You can go out with her. Marry her and have a daughter just like you told Mum. You can do all those things! You can have pre-implantation genetic diagnosis."
"Yes, and that would solve all my problems!" Ethan lifted his hand again and another piece of paper fell into the water. "And there go the results."
"Ethan…" Cal held him tightly. "Ethan, that's not going to make it go away. And they'll still have the records."
"I know," said Ethan bleakly. "It's never going to go away. It's going to keep coming and coming and get worse and worse and there's nothing I can do but let it happen."
"But I'll be there to help you," said Cal.
Ethan shook his head. "You don't get it, do you?"
"I'm trying to get it," said Cal. "I want to help you."
"But I don't want your help," said Ethan simply. "I don't want anyone's help." He pulled himself free of Cal's arms and went to sit back down beside Emilie. He rested his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes.
"Ethan, you can't shut this out," said Cal.
"But I can shut you out," said Ethan.