Prologue
Hello, useless figments of my imagination. You are now reading the epic autobiography of Evil, the most bad-ass, intelligent, sexy human being in the entire world (Well, second, just behind Buffy Celeste Sauls. At least, Legally). You are most likely reading this book because:
a) You want to learn all of my secrets. (Wilson, Twin). Well, too bad, I am not telling you I get my machine guns from a penguin in Ireland. Or how my Army Of Squirrels are captured in central park.
b) You want to be like me. Sorry, never will happen, but I commend you for trying to live up to the epic-ness that is me.
c) You picked up the wrong book. Frankly, I don't give a damn. Don't you dare return it, I will have you skinned alive. Read the book as I gloat in my awesome-ness.
I dare you to keep reading. If you don't except the dare, you owe me ten bucks. Seriously, the blinking light flashing in front of your eyes right now? Camera. In this book, you will discover my past, present, and future (No, seriously, Evil is psychic. Unfortunately, so is Wilson *evil glare*).
Since this is a prologue, I am forced to keep talking to you and tell you about my inspiration, achievements, and other crap. My inspiration is all the elderly people who are reading right now. After seeing all my achievements, they will wish they could wash away all of their flabby, wrinkly faces and make the most out of their lives. Well, too bad! I rule over y'all! I can do what you can't. Frankly, I am immortal, so I can't get wrinkles. Bitches.
IDGAF about you if you do not ship Ross and Rachel. Go die in a whole. Otherwise, I may spare you from the End of the World. Maybe.
When I win the presidential election in 2012, I want to remember you as my slaves.
You will wear uniforms made out of dog feet, and you will address me as "Princess Evil the Great Overlord." That is an order, bitches.
Here are some lame-ass facts about me:
I am 17. Deal wit' it. Yes, I will date someone over 30. Just not over 237.
I am 5"6. I will not associate with those shorter than me.
I weigh 104 pounds. I can only lose weight, never gain weight. Seriously.
I have a penguin named Gustave. He is half Fish, and a quarter Australian. He is a mafia lord.
Won "Richest Person Ever" award 175 years in a row.
Has super-powers. They work against everybody (Except Twin)
If you want to "Friend" me on Facebook, my name Is Evil the Overlord. Pictures cost a dollar.
My favorite food is pasta. Pasta is yummy. You hate pasta, you will fear the fiery force that is my flame thrower.
Honestly, why am I telling commoners about my life! Y'all aren't worthy! I mean, I have an accent! Whatever, it's published and a best seller in 100,000,000 countries.
Prologue done. Next up, chapter uno (Lame-ass attempt at french).