Tired

I'm tired

Of keeping facades

For people who only want to see the "good" me

Who only want to see the lies

I'm tired

Of struggling, of fighting

To stand strong

To not show any weakness

To prove that I can do it

To show them I am here

For people who only want to take for granted

My struggle, my fight,

My smile, my result

And refuse to see

My tears, my foundation, my barrier

My belief, my honesty

My pain, my wounds

I'm tired

Of crying inside

Of hating myself

Of thinking inferior

Of being afraid to myself

Of calling myself evil

Even though humans are evil

And I believe that

So I tolerate that for other people

But the toleration doesn't apply to me

People can be evil, but I can't

I know I should be giving myself a break

A little space, for breathing, just for breathing

But I can't, because I know

I am a terrible person

Full of lies

Inferior

Rotten and disgusting inside

Who wants to be with someone like that?

Even I myself don't want to

I feel stupid

Because I cry openly

For those people

Spill my tears, hitch my breath, waste my time

When I can spend it doing something much more useful and much more fun

I am stupid

And I judge myself that

I am angry, but in the end I am defeated

Defeated and admit that I am the one who's at fault

It's not their fault, it's mine

For not being able to be good enough

It's always my fault, they don't have to worry

Because I can't fulfill their expectation

I'm sorry for those people

.

.

.

But I'm waiting

For someone

Someone who will truly see me

See how evil I am,

How I'm rotten and disgusting and nothing inside

See through my façade, my smile

And recognize my struggle, my fight

And willing to stain his hand with my tears

I don't demand him to really accept me

Because I know that's impossible

I just, I just want some of his time

For him to truly understand me

And tell me honestly,

That I'm not a terrible, evil, disgusting person.

His honesty

His understanding

Only those two

And I'll keep it forever as my support

And it's okay if he doesn't want to be close to me or to even be near me

As long as he doesn't hate or loathe me

Then I won't need anything else