A/N: HELLO!!! NARUKAGE IS HERE!!!I know you'll all missed me dearly,but I've returned with my
muse,Sasuke.
Sasuke:Please don't tell them I'm your muse.It's too embarressing.
Narukage:Just read the disclaimer so I can start the story.
Sasuke:Fuck you!!
Sasuke suddenly found him shirtless and tied a bed while a crazed Sakura and Ino
rushed at him.
Narukage:Do it.
Sasuke:Narukage does not own Naruto or any published book,game,or manga.
Sasuke's eyes widened as they still came and Narukage laughed a cruel laugh as
screams were heard.
Narukage:This takes place 3 years after the timeskip.Age list at the bottom.
This chapter is just to ease everyone into the story and to fit the humor
part into the fic.Next chapter will be serious.Just flow with it.
In a dark forest two people run beside each other."Give up!If you go back to the village you can still appeal for a trail and be free!",
one of the them said as she threw a kunai at him."You honestly expect me to believe that!?",the man said as he effortlessly dodged
the kunai and disappeared."Shit,where'd he go?",she shouted."Behind you.",he said as he pressed her pressure points from behind her,
immobilizing her.
"Dammit!",she said unable to move as she fell to ground.She looked at the man covered head to toe in a black cloak with a bamboo hat.
The man was about to leave when she shouted out,"Please.Stop this and return to Konoha!",she said."It's too
late.I've come to far.I have to kill him.I have to kill him.",he said coldly."No,please forget about him.I thought you said you'd never
be like him!What you're doing is just like him.",she said,crying."No.What he lost was just his family.He still had a home.He still had people
who cared!What I lost.Everything!My home,my friends,my dreams!.Now I have nothing! I am a traitor to my village!I am sentenced to death!
If anything I deserve to kill the bastard!No,please don't go!",she said as darkness enveloped her version.The last thing she saw was him
walking away.
The day when it happened.The day when my life was shattered in one fell swoop.The day was so perfect.It only made sense
that something bad would happen.That day...when he came back.The day where I lost everything.
Chapter 1:An Illusion
"I'm finally back!!",shouted an energetic young teen as he masterfully jumped from tree to tree to arrive in front of Konohagakure,his
home.(I spelled it right...right?)"What a long mission!Protecting that feudal lord from an killer was way too long.'least I got some action.",he
said as he walked into the,presenting his identification,and trying to ignore to stares of hatred from the guards.Looking at them carefully he
walked into the city.Not being a Jounin for nothing as he saw a corner he hid behind,did some hand seals,and whispered,"Wolf Ears no
Jutsu!"(It'd sound so much better in Japanese)His ears slowly became incredibly sharp.Hearing the guards' voices he listened in their
conversation.
"Damn that demon.I can't wait until dark when we torch him.",a guard said."Not tonight.Today he'll be getting too much attention.They'll
easily trace it back to us.We and the others will do it some other night,understand?"Naruto pulled from the jutsu and his hearing returned to
normal."Damn bastards.Better watch my back.But what did they mean when they said I would be getting attention?",he wondered as he went
to the Hokage's building.As he walked into the upper floors a nurse went dump a tray full beakers and probably dangerous chemicals."Oh,
sorry.It was an aciddent.",the nurse said not meaning a word.
"Just like the last five times?Next time this happens,you won't be leaving without a stratch...or maybe missing a limb.",he said as
his eyes flashed red before becoming blue again.Scared stiff,she quickly nodded and left.As he came in front of the Hokage office.He
quickly put up a mask to hide his emotions."Hey,Naruto-kun.",a voice said.He turned to find a Jounin with purple hair behind him.
She went and gently scruffled his hair."Chin up,your smile is much better when you mean it.Besides I already took care of the bad nurse.
"What'd you do with her,Anko?",he asked happily.
"Mmmfph!!",a tied up nurse managed to get while she was in a closet.Suddenly the door opened to three men."Look's like that girl
wasn't lying about a girl being tied up in a closet.Are they gonna save me,the nurse wondered.Suddenly all the guys dropped their pants
in front of her.Oh fuck,she thought.Back to Naruto and Anko,she said smirking,"Right now she must be feeling pretty full right about now."
Naruto smirked getting the meaning.He watched as she walked away."Wow.For once,she didn't try to rape me.Maybe she isn't so bad",he
thought as he walked into the Hokage's office and said,"How's it going,obaa-chan?"."What did you
call me?",a demonic voice asked."Uhhhhhh...well I don't want to make a stain on your carpet so I'll be leavin--",he said turning to face the
door,walking straight into Tsunade.Cracking her knuckles,she said,"Any last words?"."Two.Too late.",Naruto said as he felt something
drip down his leg.
"I'm here to state my mission was a success.",Naruto said bleeding from the head."Good.I knew I could count on you.I've been looking over the
records of missions given to the Shinobi of Konoha.The records state the percentage of success since the last two years.I eventually came across yours.
As I looked over it I discovered something.",she stated with a smile."And what would that be?",inclined a curious blonde."The thing is that out of
the 275 missions you've done the success rate is a 100.",she said with a pleased tone in her voice.
That's why I'm saying this.How would you like to be an ANBU captain?,Tsunade said.
"You're not lying?",Naruto asked.She nodded her head."Okay,where's the hidden camera?",he said as he looked around.
"Naruto,I'm serious.",she said calmly."You're not lying?",he asked amazed."Yes,I'm not.",she said,smiling."Then ma'am,I would be
proud-no honored if you did promote me to one.",he said,blinking off a tear.
"Good,Naruto.All you have to do is appear at this building In the room of the Elder Council.",she said."But,they hate me.Why would they
let me become one?",he asked?"I'll take care of that.",she said.As he walked out of the room he got knocked over."Naruto!Why didn't you
tell me you came back?",Sakura."Well I was busy and-",he stopped as she punched,sending him crashing towards a wall.When you think
about it it's kind of funny to see the "Yellow Flash of Death",get beaten up by a seemingly harmless girl.But then again,don't all
women do that to men?
"Today's your birthday for god sake!!",she said angrily."It is?",he said.Her gleamed as she raised her fist."Wait a sec,I have good
news.Obaa-chan said she's gonna make me an ANBU captain!",he said,stopping her attempted murder."No kidding?!",she asked in
shock."Yep.In two hours you're gonna be looking at an ANBU Captain.",he said boastfully,grinning his ass off."Well...well if you really do get
promoted then...I'll suppose I'll go on a date with you.",she said blushing slightly."Huh,wait are you serious?",Naruto said,amazed."Huh,of
course I am!!",Sakura shouted.Naruto held a hand to her forehead."You must be seriously sick.Are you poisoned?No you would it be...you lost a bet!?",Naruto accused,crying like a girl."That's so mean,Sakura-cha--",Naruto was cut off by a fist meeting
his face."Dammit Naruto,shut up!!!",she said.
"Okay,I went a little too far,but are you serious about that date?",Naruto asked smiling."...W-well yeah.I do mean it.Think of it as
a birthday present.",Sakura said embaressed."A present?",Naruto thought.
Please insert Sexy No Jutsu theme here
"Naruto...you did so good today...I wanna give you a present.Do mind if it's not wrapped",a very scantily clad Sakura said."Oops...my bra
unclasped.",she said seductively as she held it up",Narutothought as some blood spurted from his nose."Crap!",he said trying to stop the blood.
"Are you okay?Geez, wierd for you to spaz out at atime like this.",she said as she bent down,getting a napkin,wiping the blood away."Thanks,Sakura-chan.
",Naruto said embaressed."Man,I've been hanging out with Ero-sennin too much",he said as he got up.
"Sakura-chan,I've got to go change into something else.See you later,and I won't forget that date either!",he said as he rushed.
"Wait a second,did he say he was gonna change into something...different?",Sakura thought."Damn,today is just great!I'll get to become
an ANBU captain and go out with Sakura-chan!",Naruto thought as he rushed home.When he got to the door he grabbed a key from his
pocket,and opened the door."Great,everything is in the same way I left it.Quickly rushing to his closet,he opened it,revealing a space
filled with his usual clothes.
"Man,I really need to get some different clothes.",he said out loud to himself.Digging past all the orange he found a single black suit.
Well,it was one beneath all the dust,dirt,and grime that had gotten on it.Wiping off as much as he could he tried putting it on."Eh?It can't
fit!Now that I think about it the last time I wore this was 6 years ago when I was 13.Looks like I have go...shopping for clothes.",he said
with a shudder.Quickly opening his window he jumped out,heading to the mall."Man,I hate going to buy clothes.Everyone always tries
to get me to wear something different.What'd orange ever do to them,anyway?",he said to himself sulking.Landing in front of the mall,he
sighed one more time as he walked into it."Now where is it?",he said as he looked around the huge mall.Hey there's the map.After a few
minutes of grappling with the map."What the hell does a legend have to do with a map of the mall?",shouted a frustrated Naruto.
Finally arriving in front of the clothes department,he walked into it and was approached by the typical gay guy who gets you your clothes.
"Hi,honey,my name is(insert gay name here)and what clothes do you need?",the man said gayly."Uh...I need a type a suit that you'd wear
to something like a job interview?",Naruto said wierded out by being called 'honey'."Fabulous,fabulous I have just have to get your
measurements,now.",he said as he reached for his pants ."Whoa!!,What are you doing?",shouted a creeped out Naruto."Getting,your
measurements,honey.",he explained trying to continue."You know maybe I should just browse around,'kay?",Naruto said as he pulled away.
"You think,you're gonna get away that easily,honey?",the man said,watching him carefully."Look,is that Sasuke getting stripped by rabid
fangirls...and guys!?",Naruto shouted."Holy crap,I have to get me some of that!",the man said running off."Run,run!Run like Sasuke when
Orochimaru is coming for him",Naruto thought as he ran in the opposite that fast,of course you'll bump into someone,
which happened to Naruto.
"Hey!Watch where you're going!",said a pretty pissed-off girl."I'm sorry,just had to get away from "Fabio",over there.",said a sweating Naruto.
"Huh!?Naruto,what are you doing here!",said the girl,pointing a finger at him."Huh,Ino!It was you!"What are you doing here?",he said."Try answering
my question,first.",she replied glaring at him."Uhh...I'm just getting some clothes for a promotion meeting.",replied Naruto shakily because of
Ino's intense stare."Well,why are you here?",asked Naruto."Well me...in the mall...shopping?Yeah that must be impossible.",she said her voice dripping with
sarcasm.Ohh...why did you have to bump into me.I was about to reach shopping heaven!",she said overdramatically."And you probably made so many
people sad who were rooting for me!",she loudy said."Nar..ru..to...thank...you.",mutters an exhausted Shikamaru along with a passed out Chouji crushed
under the tons of clothing."God!How did this happen!?",shouted a shocked Naruto as he ran over and tried to lift the clothes."Arghh!It's...no good.Even if
I went Kyuubi I couldn't budge them.I'm...sorry Shikamaru.",Naruto says frustrated."Naruto...I won't blame you.I know that always complained,but you were
a good friend.Arigatou,Na..ru..t-"Shikamaru got out before Ino kicked him in the chest."Sheesh,stop being such a baby.",she said annoyed.Easily she lifts
the towering stacks of clothing off of them."I swear men are so useless these days.",she murmers as she walks away as if carrying a purse.A random wind
blew past as a young ninja thought only one thing."What...the...FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"So you're here to get clothes,huh?",inquired a curious Ino."Yeah pretty much.",said Naruto who "tried" to piece back his shattered ego." "Hmm...
this could be good.Someone like him whose almost always worn the same shade of clothing can now wear something completely different.This
could result in so many styles.And maybe I could finally reach shopping heaven!",Ino thought in delight."Naruto's it's decided I'll help.",she said.
"It's good to help a friend, and besides I could get a little buzz from helping you pick out your clothes.",she stated with a smile."Thanks,alot Ino.You'll
be a big help.",said Naruto."Getting a buzz from shopping...does she get drunk off of shopping?",wondered Naruto."Alright Shikamaru,Chouji let's
help out Naruto!",Ino said loudly before she realized she was talking to nothing."Run Chouji,run!!",Shikamaru shouted as they ran towards the exit.You
could tell they seriously wanted to get away,because Chouji had left his chips behind."Where the hell do you guys think you're going!!".shouted Ino as she ran
to capture them.Naruto only watched as Chouji tripped and fell into Ino's clutches.Shikamaru hit a dead end,and was trying to get through a window.
"Fuck!It's bolted!",he thinks as he turns around to find Ino charging."Heh.",Shikamaru mutters as he pulls out a cigarette and a lighter,lights it,takes a
long puff,and releases the smoke as he turns to face window and looks at the clouds."Asuma-sensei...looks like I'll be joining you sooner than I thought."
,thinks as Ino rams him.In the distance you the cigarette fall
As Naruto walked slowly to the Hokage Tower garbed in a two-piece black suit with red lining around the collar and wearing a fishnet undershirt
beneath it.He even decided to remove his headband that seemed attached to his head.He reran what happened in the mall in his mind.The fruity guy that
needed to get fired,the discovery of Ino with her team,and at the end when Ino offered her phone number after seeing the newly-clothed Naruto.Akward.
"But...How the hell was Ino able lift those clothes!They were reaching the damn rafters!",sulked Naruto.As Naruto walked to the Hokage Tower,he
took in something very he'd experienced before but still enjoyed immensely:girls ogling him.While he didn't have girls throwing themselves onto him like with
Sasuke it looked like they wanted to."Wow!Girls pay me this much attention just because I changed my clothes?Why...do I seem to lose a little
respect from them.Nah,there's no way all of them are that superficial!",he mused in thought.As he reached the Hokage Tower,noticed Sakura waiting
by the door."Ohayo,Sakura-chan!",he shouted,walking over to her."Uh...who are you?",she blantantly asked."You really can't tell?Come on it's me Naruto!",
he said a little annoyed."What!This a joke Naruto made to get me flustered.",she stated,paying no attention to him."Uhh...what's flustered mean again
Sakura-chan?",asked Naruto,embaressed with himself.An awkward silence set in as Sakura stared at Naruto."Crap it's her stare.Well I got 40 minutes
to kill.How long could she last?",wondered Naruto.
35 Minutes Later
"You really are the stupidest person I know,Naruto.",she stated flatly. "Zzzzzzz...huh?Wait a sec.. I'm not stupid!I just don't bother learning thing
outsideof being a ninja!",Naruto said trying to defend himself as soon as he woke up,"Normally,I'd punch you silly for falling asleep but you have to get to the
top of the tower which has 50 floors in 5 minutes."Shit!!!!",Naruto shouted as he sprinted into the building going towards the elevator."Come on,come on,
come on screw this!",screamed Naruto in his mind as he took to the stairs."Wait a sec!If I use the Shunshin no Jutsu(Body Flicker Technique) I could
get there with time to spare.I haven't mastered it yet,but now's the time to put it to use.",Naruto thought as he readied himself for the hand signs he shouted,"Shunshin no Jutsu!".Suddenly the surrounding change as scenery rushed past him."Where am I?",Naruto asked to noone in
particular."Huh!?",Naruto said as he got up and stared into the eyes of the stone statue of the Yondaime."No...way." "I'M AT THE HOKAGE
MOUNTAIN!"shouted Naruto.
10 Minutes Later
The doors to the Hokage's office burst open to reveal Naruto."Finally!I went through hell to get here.Dogs attacked and pissed on me.When I
was drying my clothes Konohamaru came stole my damn clothes and put them in the woman's hot spring bath.I had to run buck nude into there to
get them through all those girls.Even Anko-sensei was there.",Naruto thought as he shuddered."What are you doing?",asked Tsunade as she approached
him."I'm here for the meeting.",answered Naruto puzzled look."The meeting was delayed an hour.We still have 50 minutes before it starts.I thought you were
coming so I'd fill you in then.I hope that didn't get into a hurry for nothing.",Tsunade said as she filled out her paperwork as she heard a thud."Naruto, anything
wron-",Tsunade was cut off as she noticed a passed out Naruto.She moved to take him to the hospital,but stopped figuring it wasn't that important.
Besides she'd wake him up when the elders arrive.
"Man they're taking forever.It's been 2 hours since Naruto went to Tsunade.The meeting has definitely started.Hopefully Naruto gets the
promotion.",thought a worried Sakura.The doors to the building opened.Sakura quickly looked to who it was only an ANBU unit."Sigh..It's not Naruto.
Hmmm,but that ANBU looks different from most.He's got a fox mask and his uniform is a black long coat with a fishnet shirt underneath his white
overshirt and black pants.He seems to like black alot.But then it's the best color for a shinobi.",she thought,observing him noticing his blond hair.
"No way...is that really him?",she said to herself as she walked towards him."N..naruto?Is that you?",asked Sakura nervously.He didn't answer but put his
hand to his mask and took it off revealing his face."Hey.",said Naruto smirking his ass off."You...idiot!",Sakura said as she moved her towards him."Shit,
guessed I pushed her too hard.",thought Naruto as he prepared for the impact."Thwack!" "Huh?",Naruto said in suprise.Revealing to him that Sakura had
just flicked him."Come on,idiot let's enjoy our date 'kay?",Sakura said,not looking at Naruto.Naruto smiled and tucked the mask into his pocket."Sure,
Sakura.",he said softly.
"Damn...today's been perfect.",he thought as he and Sakura walked back from their date."Hey,Naruto.Thanks for the date.",she said blushing a bit."No
problem Sakura.Thanks for actually going.",Naruto smiling his trademark smile."Naruto.I have to go,but I'll see you soon.Oh and..",Sakura said as she kissed
Naruto full on the lips.She quickly turned and ran."I wouldn't mind another date soon!",she shouted as ran away.Naruto was in shock,but soon smiled."Deal"
, he said."Finally...after seven years you finally got her to fall for you.",said a dark voice said behind in an alley."No!",Naruto thought as he was filled with
kunai and keeled over,blood spurting from his wounds.The dark figure came towards the corpse.He reached towards it only to jump high into the air,avoiding
Naruto's kick.Naruto jumped backwards as the cloaked man came down with a punch that shattered the concrete. The man looked back at the corpse
which was now a trashcan."Good.I wasn't sure that you had dodged that.Naruto rushed forward with a punch only to be blocked by the man.Pulling Naruto
in he threw a fist that barely touched Naruto as slide in and kicked upwards hitting him in the chest,sending him flying towards a roof.The man flipped over
landing gracefully on his feet."Looks like I can't beat you in this state.You're faster than me and you're still wearing weights.Look like I'm gonna have to be
serious.",he said as his eyes turned into a bloodred.Three dots appeared in his eyes."No...Sasuke!!",Naruto shouted."Yes.And I'm here to destroy this sad
illusion of happiness you've created Naruto."
End Chapter 1
Age List:
Uzumaki Naruto:19
Haruno Sakura:19
Hyuuga Hinata:19
Sasuke Uchiha:20
Hyuuga Neji:21
Rock Lee:21
Tenten:21
Sabuku no Gaara:19
Sabuku no Temari:21
Sabuku no Kankurou:21
Hatake Kakashi:32
Tsunade:56?
Jiraiya:57?
Narukage:That's the end of chapter 1.Hope you enjoyed it!
Sasuke:What's up with Naruto being faster than me.Oh well,I'm still badass.If you need proof check out the latest chapter of Naruto
on Naruto Manga Returns.
Narukage:Did you just advertise a place that shows free manga?
Sasuke:Yeah what's wrong with that?
Narukage:Nothing,but isn't that against the law?
Open the door or we will shoot!
Narukage:Shit!The police!
Sasuke:Maybe you can talk you're out of it?
Narukage:What are you talking about?I'm black!
Sasuke:Oh yeah.Well you're on your own he said as he disappeared into smoke.
Narukage:Bastard!Please read and review,that's gonna have to be my bail money.Narukage,running off!