EDIT: A/N- thank you to lagoon childe for telling me that the story was in the wrong format!
Caterpillars always get second chances at life, but it seems all of Alexandra's lives end as quickly as they begin. She doesn't mind though... None of them were very nice anyway.
The flames are rising now and little Miss Udinova can't seem to move, she just feels numb, and angry. Papa prepared her for this and yet... She's failed him. All she can do is clutch the gold watch and listen. Listen to the crackling fires, the yelling, the sound of heavy footsteps, the groaning of the building collapsing in on itself. And she's still underneath this damned bed. Safe. Another thud and she almost screams but she can't. Her father, powerful in every way, wise, cunning, is dead. And it didn't take much, just a bullet. A tiny piece of metal.
And then she's scrambling out and clutching her father. He doesn't smile at her, he just stares, a heavy frown etched permanently onto his withered face.
And now she screams. Screams for her mama, her papa, her life. Her lovely little life.
The smoke and ashes cloud her vision, she isn't ready for this life to end!
When she wakes up, everything is still black.
She's somewhere else, far away. It's cold and she can feel the uncomfortable atmosphere. From her apparent hiding place she recognises the voice and the tone that is her Uncle bartering. So she's safe. At least there's that.
When she hears the voices growing closer, Alexandra huddles uselessly further back into the cupboard she cooped up in. A face appears and she breathes a sigh of relief when she realises it's her just her uncle.
"Alexandra," he says attentively, "you must come out now. There is someone you must meet."
She hesitates slightly, but she trusts her uncle.
That wears off fast.
A greasy looking man is grinning at her as if her parents hadn't just died and her home burnt down. He looks absolutely predatory. "Hello Sasha." She almost corrects him but one look from her uncle says otherwise. She just curtseys and cringes when his cracked lips meet her hand.
"Sasha," interrupts Uncle with an unreadable expression on his face, "This is Vladimir. He will be looking after you from now on. Do not argue." Then he holds out his hand and paper money is placed in them.
Alexandra is twelve, not stupid. Her eyes widen as her life is sold away. Literally. She wants to run, shout, do anything but nothing, except... She isn't stupid, papa told her to be smart and she's just one little girl in the company of two fully grown men. So she lets herself be gagged, tied up, blindfolded and smuggled to her new life. Admittedly, Sasha is pretty pathetic.
...
Her life as Sasha the sex slave lasts about a year.
The first few days aren't really so bad in comparison. She's fed corned beef, stale bread and water, among other things. Other things as in vodka, whiskey and morphine. So not bad. Its afterwards when they coax her into the heavier stuff that it gets bad.
They start with a mixture; cocaine, ecstasy, heroine, a little vodka to down it with. And she's hooked. Her favourite's heroine but she'll take ecstasy.
If that isn't enough they feed her sex too. Or rather she's fed to them. Men or sometimes women come and ravish her(sometimes both), all three or four times her age. Soon, she discovers she's the youngest of all of Vladimir's girls. She's only twelve, after all... Or maybe she's thirteen. And she's the favourite of course, the tightest, most innocent. She's always booked up unless Vlad decides he wants a taste.
After a while, she decides she doesn't mind so much as long as they keep feeding her the crap. Or crack.
All the girls are lovely too. They all know how it feels even if some of the bigger girls scare her.
Sometimes, Vlad insists they put on a show. These are her least favourite nights since she almost always is the star. It makes her feel even more exposed. The others seem to enjoy it though. So does Vlad.
Her clients come and go, all with their different kinks and fetishes. She does her best to satisfy them.
She isn't quite sure what goes over her one night though. First, she's cuffed and blind folded and doing that thing where she moans to mask the pain and then suddenly, even though she's high as fuck, she's yelling at Vlad to stop. And screaming and choking. And Vlad is hitting her and strangling her and the cuffs cut into her wrists and she suddenly realises just who Sasha, the sex slave, is.
She wakes up and all she's fed is water that week. In between the pounding head and the feeling of wanting to claw her eyes out, she can think. She doesn't have her father's watch anymore. And she really needs another high. In the mean time she talks to the other girls, really talks. There's a girl called Irena who's young too, about two years older than Sasha, and another girl -Karin - always talks about butterflies, which at first is nonsense but the more she listens, the more it makes sense.
"Butterflies are God's proof that we can have a second chance at life." She'd say. All the other girls would roll their eyes, but she would smile and Sasha would listen.
And that week is over, Sasha hops eagerly back onto her favourite things. The sex without the high really felt like shit.
Everything is back to the normal blur of pain, pleasure, numbing and rawness. And all that pounding and confusion that it comes with. Aw well. At least things look prettier when she's up in the sky.
Then, one day, Karin decides to fly. Like a butterfly. Sasha likes this and she follows Karin to the roof. To fly. Excepts she doesn't fly, she falls, she dies. Sasha doesn't know this (somewhere in her head, Alexandra does) and she decides to fly too. But she also lands. And smiles.
"We're free, Karin. Let's fly!" And Sasha flies away, through the streets and alleyways.
It's only in the morning when she wakes up in someone's back garden that she realises what's happened.
Her head is threatening to tear itself apart but she can think again. Karin didn't fly. Slaves can't be butterflies. She cries and she really, really wants to die.
So she does. With this, Sasha is dead.
...
This next part of the story isn't about her next life, it's rather about the transformation into her next life. It's rather short but important and lasts about two months. She doesn't go back to Vladimir's. She reminds herself, despite the need to get lit, that she's an Udinov (or was) and if an Udinov is anything, it's a survivor.
So she spends her days as a street rat, stealing money and food and clothes. Sometimes she's lucky enough to steal some of the good stuff.
It happens quickly enough, she figures she's almost fourteen at this point when a girl, maybe sixteen with blood red hair, is at the same warehouse as her next shot of heroine. And then suddenly everything is on fire. Logic in her scattered mind tells her that the girl is the cause and she doesn't hesitate to attack her, yelling and kicking. She's down in three seconds flat. Logic, it seems, didn't tell her not to.
...
Once again, Alexandra wakes up in a strange place. It does seem to be a pattern, doesn't it? She's in a bed in what looks like a medical bay, with an IV attached and clear fluid seeping into her arm. Also, the insatiable need for drugs is gone, so she can think straight enough that she knows not to rip it out.
A pretty woman walks up to her with a tight expression. "You're lucky Natalia recognised you for who you were, Alexandra Udinova." She smiles now, "For otherwise you would be dead."
Quite pointedly, Alexandra looks away.
"Now, you have a choice. We either sell you to our highest bidder, or you enrol into our Academy. After all, the heiress to Zetrov must have some skills up her sleeve." Alexandra knows that look, it's the look that Uncle wore when he sold her away to be Sasha.
Alexandra doesn't think she has a choice.
"I will enroll." She replies. "And please address me as Alexa, Madame." Because this is the first time she has been given a choice for a long time... Or maybe even her whole life. She isn't sure she made the right one.
Her Madame grins, such an expression she's seen on her father, when making a good profit. "Alright. Good. Miss Alexa... Larionova."
And Alexa shudders a little. Her new life has begun!
...
It takes a long time for Alexa to be fully clean. Her training schedule is the same as the others but twice as intense to catch up. By the time she has, she's in Natalia's class. At the top of the academy and at the bottom of her class.
When her first mission rolls around, she kills without blinking. After all, it isn't like this is new to her... She killed Karin after all.
Even after all this time, she still draws the butterflies, she still hopes to fly… even though Alexa knows you can only die. One day, Natalia asks her what she is doing. She lies.
"It's a story about birds. They are hunters, predators. And they are free." Natalia looks at her strangely and soon, Alexa wishes she didn't take her stories so literally.
….
"Escape." says Natalia. "The bird-boy offered me freedom. Come with me."
But Alexa (or is this perhaps Alexandra?) is scared. "No." she echoes again and again, "He will just hand you over to the Americans. Freedom is a lie for us. We are safer here." She finishes with another lie. But really she knows, no matter what kind of wings you might have. You will always fall.
"The Red Room will kill us!"
"Then let them."
Alexa is tortured for days, they need their best operative back. WHERE IS SHE?! Alexa doesn't know. She doesn't really care.
"She fell." is all she says.
….
Shhhh... Don't cry little caterpillar. You're going to die anyway.
I'm sorry you couldn't become a butterfly. You could have been beautiful. You could have been ugly too but the sentiment is still there... Right?
But you'll die as a caterpillar instead. A pathetic one too.
Sorry, but you lied to me! I can't have that so I must punish you.
But i don't have to kill you. I think you'll just go and off yourself.
Which is for the best, don't you think? On your own terms with your own weight. It's no-one else's fault but yours.
Look down from the bridge little caterpillar, the riverbed is saying hello!
Won't you say hello too?
….
When Alexa is seventeen, she's on an undercover mission. A woman named Nikita approaches her and offers her revenge.
"Hi Alexandra Udinova." she says, bound to a chair and Alexa's gun trained on her.
"It's Alexa." Alexa corrects.
But she just cocks her head, smiling. "Is it really?"
It's the first time Alexandra's felt like living.
It's the first time she believes butterflies can fly, even if they fall too.