Zack frowned down into his breakfast, not really seeing the runny eggs or butter-logged toast. He idly swirled his fork through the grease and butter on the plate and ignored the rough chatter the SOLDIERs around him created. With a frustrated sigh, Zack ran his fingers through his black spikes. "It has to be brown," he muttered to himself.
"What's brown?" Cloud asked as he placed his tray upon the mess hall table. The fresh-faced young boy looked at his bunkmate with disgustingly wide awake blue eyes. Zack jumped and cursed grumpily as his knees bashed into the scarred white tabletop.
"Nothing!" he snapped peevishly, rubbing a kneecap with one hand and trying to save his coffee with the other. He burnt his fingers in the process and started sucking on them. "Mush sho alwaysh shneak up on me, Cwoud?" he growled around three fingers. A giggle at a nearby table was quickly silenced when Zack's violet glare shifted that way.
Cloud looked at the sulking man with some concern. "Shouldn't you run those under ice water or something? Anyway, sorry I asked. I just wanted to help you find out what was brown. Lots of things can be brown, you know. Dirt, dogs, dogs covered in dirt..." The blonde's voice slowly trailed away and he grinned hopefully at Zack's black glower. "Uhmm...pancake!?" he asked brightly, shoving a syrup-coated object into Zack's face. Zack's eyes crossed as they looked down at the dripping object, just in time to watch it slide off of the fork and into his lap with a loud, sticky plop.
"I changed my mind," Zack snarled as he stalked from the room. "It has to be blonde!" He glared heatedly at a first-class and the man swallowed his words and eeped away in the other direction.
Cloud blearily raised his head off the floor and watched Zack leave. "What's blonde?" he called weakly, and then decided to let his aching head lie on the cool floor some more.
Zack closely watched the SOLDIER on guard duty. The young man shuffled from side to side, yawned widely, and then murmured something to his partner. The other guard sleepily mumbled something back and promptly started snoring again. Zack grinned and readied his ammunition. With a quick breath, he let his missiles fly. Right on target! Zack congratulated himself. The ambushed SOLDIER hopped around and yipped frantically, desperately trying to pull the small wads of chewed bubblegum out of his hair. As he did yet another complete turn, he caught sight of the manically grinning black-haired bomber.
"Zackary, if this gum ruins any of my beautiful blonde hair, I am going to personally set fire to that Men of Midgar deck of cards that you keep under your mattress!" Cloud's frantic threats only grew wilder with each painful tug. Zack laughed and calmly walked away from the miniature ball of chaos.
"Operation Color Quest has begun," he cheerfully cackled to himself.
The blonde head weaved through the crowd and shone like a beacon in the sunlight. The spikes were up and in full glory, waving like a miniature field of wheat. It was a perfect head of hair, with no sign of the recent gum-attack that had taken two days to overcome. That perfect head, on top of perfect shoulders, was also a perfect target. A can of tomato soup arced gracefully through the air and hit the perfect head with a perfect shot. "Perfect!" Zack gleefully chirped and ran away before anyone could suspect it was him. Cloud's screams of "Zackary!" overpowered the crowd's concerned murmurings and followed the grinning SOLDIER throughout the compound.
After two weeks of carefully planned malicious assaults, Cloud Strife was paranoid, bruised, and had developed a distinct eye twitch. Zack, on the other hand. had lost several priceless stashes of porn and a miniature Sephiroth figurine to fires, explosions, and a (supposedly) unwarranted badger attack. Despite the precious items that were destroyed, the dark-haired SOLDIER was constantly humming cheerfully obnoxious tunes. He hummed as he showered, hummed as he worked, and hummed as he grinned innocently at Cloud's exhausted bruised face at the breakfast table. The humming was occasionally punctuated by a frown and a whispered "Blonde? No, brown! No, it must be blonde!". These outbursts only increased Cloud's anxiety.
Cloud flinched away from Zack's manic grin and intently examined his eggs. "Why do you have to keep throwing things at my head? It's making it so I can't sleep at night because I'm so afraid that you're going to pop up beside my bed screaming Brown! and pelting me with an orange or something. Is this some odd part of SOLDIER training that no one told me about? Because I certainly didn't sign up for this!" Cloud's troubled blue eyes lifted and searched Zack's violet ones.
Zack tilted his head thoughtfully, tapping a finger against his chin. "Hmmm...farfignoodle!" he shouted suddenly, lunging forward with a wild look in his eyes. Cloud screamed shrilly and fainted. Zack stood up on the tabletop commandingly and frowned at all of the uninterested SOLDIERs. "It's okay, people! I'm trained for situations like this. I'll save him!" The conversations continued unabated and Zack gleefully picked up the smaller man and heaved him gracelessly over his shoulder.
Cloud slowly opened his eyes and wondered why he felt a chill. His eyes slowly traveled over the oddly familiar walls, down the dark Sephiroth-festooned curtains, and rested upon the massive Buster sword that leaned against a wall. As he tried to stretch, his hands encountered resistance and his eyes flew to the silken ropes that restrained him to the bed. "Whazzat?" he asked blearily. A pressure on his thighs brought his attention to the large man that had destroyed his days and nights for weeks on end.
Zack grinned triumphantly down at his victim. "Now, to answer this damned question for once and for all!" he shouted happily. Within seconds, Cloud's belt buckle was undone and his pants were tugged forcefully down to mid-thigh. As embarrassment and confusion stained Cloud's cheeks, Zack's frown lines reappeared and confusion covered his face as well. "Red?! Who the bloody hell would have ever thought red?" he squealed in surprise as he stared downward. "Dammit! Why couldn't you dye that as well, Cloud?"