Disclaimer: I don't own anyone. All I own is this monologue. I'm not trying to make any money off of it, so donÕt sue me.
My life's taking a path thatÕs already been taken, taking the same turns and bends as another's: FatherÕs. I'm trying to follow his footsteps, be just like him. Do as he did, and do as he does. To emulate Father. That's what I really want: for people to look and think, "He's just like his father."
It's been what I've been trying to do since time before I can even remember, if that's possible. The first thing I remember my father saying to me is that I mustn't be a disgrace to the Malfoy name, that I must do honor to it. Basically, I need to do what he does, and believe what he believes. And I believe it, because I know it must be right.
He raised me on his beliefs, that mudbloods are bad, that Voldemort is the one who deserves power ("but you mustn't blab that," he tells me sternly), and all the rest. And I'm sure what he says is right. It has to be, after all, hasn't it? If the man whose life I'm following believes false things, then what is true? If he tells lies, than who tells the truth? Yes, I tell myself with utmost certainty, his beliefs are right.
Yet there's a little, annoying voice inside my head that sometimes asks me, "Are you sure? Are you sure that these people are bad just because of how they're born?" It pauses, as if to give me time to contemplate, and then says, "And do you really think that the man who does evil deeds deserves the power?"
I grimace whenever I hear the voice, that voice that makes me question what I don't want to ever wonder about. "Of course I'm sure, " I say, every time I hear it. "Why should I question it?" And then, as if to taunt me, I hear that quiet, unwavering voice tell me, "Are you sure?"
What I really hate about that voice is that whenever it speaks, I start to wonder, though I try harder than I thought I could not to. I wonder if perhaps what it says is true. If maybe the path I've been following is the wrong one, if those things I've never questioned might be questionable.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder why it has to be me. When I see the gregarious group of Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs, all conversing, ignoring me. I wish that I could choose another path sometimes, even. "And really," I sometimes wonder to myself, "am I sure that the things I think are right? Am I sure I believe the right things? Am I sure that these people are all so bad as I think?"
Whenever these thoughts begin to enter my mouth, I feel a sense of foreboding, and indeed, fear wash over me. I grit my teeth, thinking to myself, "Of course I'm sure." Then the words of Father, from years ago, come back, "A Malfoy does not question what he knows." So I hide my questions behind a facade of hatred, I don't show it to anyone. A Malfoy would never show those feelings. Never even have them.
I really don't want to question these things. I hate those questions that come into my mind so unexpectedly. They make me wonder whether the path I've been following for 14 years is the right one. And I don't want to question that path, because if I answer one, just one, of those awful questions differently then I have before, it would mean turning back, and I just don't' think I have the strength to do that.
I tell myself, as I wonder again whether this is indeed the right path, that, "Malfoys don't question what they do." I taunt Hermione and Ron, and most of all Harry. I do what Father's believes dictate to me. Yet that little voice inside my head still speaks, "Are you sure you're doing what's right? Are you sure?"
"Shut up," I always tell that voice. And again, it recedes back into the depths of near-forgotten things. But still, it remains, for it's only near-forgotten. I can't push it out of my mind right now. And the little voice continues to murmur, though far distant and nearly forgotten, "Are you sure you're doing what's right? Perhaps you should reconsider your path in life..."
A.N. Well, that's it. Short, I know. I don't think it's very good. Anyway, please REVIEW. Tell me what you honestly think. Both compliments and constructive criticism are appreciated!