Chapter 1 "Knowing how to run free."
I wish they knew how I felt. But nobody does, I wish they did. I wish they knew how I felt about our world, our society, but I'm afraid to speak up.
I don't know why, though. I see people do it all the time, why can't I.
I want a life where I don't have to worry about walking around at midnight and getting jumped, killed.
I want a life where everyone understands each other. No one shows their true emotion, their afraid to. A lot of people are afraid.
I'm broken mentally, physically. It's just too much for me to handle. Nobody know the real me.
Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room when no ones watching. Crying in the shower so no one can hear.
Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head, and how terrible they really are.
I have Social Anxiety. I don't talk much because I'm afraid that what I say will be judged. I can't go anywhere alone.
I can't look people in the eye. I don't like people looking directly at me. At first I thought it was because I was shy.
Now I think it's because I'm, self-conscious of my appearance.
I'm scared they'll see every single flaw that I see when I look in the mirror every day.
I hate it when the teacher calls on me. When I know she's about to ask a question I act like I'm writing down notes so she thinks I'm busy. When I'm actually praying that she won't call on me.
I'm so broken inside why can't anyone see that, I'm falling apart. I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I would call it a war in my mind, that I'm either going to win or die, trying to get out.
Your probably wondering why I don't tell anybody, am I right? That's because if I told people all my secrets they would never look at me the same again.
School isn't for me. I can't learn. I can't focus. All I can feel is the constant stress of falling over and over again.
Do you know that lonely girl in the back of the class always quiet with her vacant stares, screaming in silence but nobody cares.
Her pain goes unnoticed. No one can tell. She smiles like angel but she's living through hell.
Well that's me with the long, curly blond hair with brown streaks, tan skin, and a milk chocolate color for my left eye, and a mixture of milk chocolate, light green, and light blue mixed together for my right eye.
I'm a very unique person. My eyes capture everyone's attention. I wish they were normal one solid color.
Because your eyes are the key to all your emotions. And I don't want people to see the real me.
All of a sudden the bell rings, the last bell of the day, I jump. A classmate at my table give me a weird look.
I gather my stuff and shove it in my pocket of my bag. I swing the bag over my shoulder walking out of the classroom, the last one out.
As I walk down the hallway I'm thinking if I really want to go home. I get on the bus anyways.
I get home, no ones there, no cars parked in the driveway.
This is my chance, I tell myself, to get away.
Instead of down the driveway towards my house, I turn around, and walk onto the road.
I don't even get past the mailbox, when I realize I can't just leave with what I got now.
I turn back around, I don't have much time, and he could be home anytime. I run down the driveway, get my keys out of my bag unlock the door and walk in.
I run to my room, dump my books onto the floor, and ran to the kitchen.
I shoved a can of (original) 'Pringles', jar of 'Nutella', 3 water bottles, an apple, an orange, and a can of chicken noodle soup in my bag, and plastic spoons, and paper towels in my outside pocket to my bag.
I dropped the bag off at the door, and ran to my room. I found a bag in the closet, which I put my journal, pens, pencils, mp3 with headphones, pocket knife, switch blade, brown fuzzy bear, and clothes in. Then I got 50 bucks out of my dad's room.
I run back to the door drop my bag, go to the bathroom take a quick shower, and changed clothes. Yes I did take a shower at a time like this but I'm probably won't be able to take another one for a while.
I put my brush, tooth brush and tooth paste in my bag and finally went out the door. And the money in my sock, under my foot.
I walked on the side of the road for a while and caught a bus ride to Midwest City, there I fell asleep behind a hotel, in the bushes.
The next day I woke up starved, I ate some Nutella, and drank some water. Then I caught another bus to Sparks Town, which took about 3 hours to get to.
I had Pringles on the bus, and drank more water. When we got there I went in a gas station to go to the bathroom, and got back on the bus.
Next stop was Sapulpa Town, I don't know how long it was to get there because u fell asleep.
I did the same thing I did back in Sparks Town, went in the gas station, went to the bathroom, but this time bought a bag of chex mix, and got a coke.
I got back on the bus, paying the driver more money, and went back to my seat. I ate and looked out the window, falling asleep when the sun was going down.
When I woke up it was dark out but I could tell it was morning, the bus passed a sign that read, 'Tulsa, Oklahoma'.
I watched the trees pass by, and before I knew it, the sun was all the way up and we were stopping at another gas station.
Unlike all the other one, I caught a glance of the sign, in blue, red and white, it read DX.
I walked in doing my usual routine. I walked down the aisle and picked up a bag of lays, chips. I grabbed a water too, and headed to the counter.
The guy that was adding up the prices for all the stuff, I got. Looked up at me, studying me, but stopped on my eyes. Like everyone else does.
"I like your eyes." He commented.
"Thanks." I say quietly.
"You're welcome." He said, kindly.
I decided then that I was going to find a place to stay here.
I looked back up at him and asked, "Do you know if there is any places to stay around here?"
"Afraid not, sweetheart." The guy said, pushing back his light brown almost golden hair.
I sighed, and looked outside to see the bus pulling out. I then realized I haven't changed for 2 days.
"Can you watch my stuff for me?" I asked.
"Sure thing."
I brought my bag back to the bathroom and changed into a light blue tank top, jean shorts, and put my jeans jacket on.
I went back to the front counter and grabbed my stuff.
"Thanks." I said.
"No problem. Hey it sounds like you need a place to stay, if you want you can stay at my place." He offered.
I studied him, should I trust him, I asked myself. I guess I have no choice, because it just slipped out of mouth, "If I can? I don't want to be a bother."
"Don't worry you won't be a bother. Come on in the back." He gestured me.
I followed, in the there was another boy working on a car.
"Hey Steve." The boy got, 'this' Steve's attention.
"Yeah Soda?" Soda? That's a unique name.
"It's almost quitting time, want to go? Boss, won't mind." Soda asked.
"Sure, just let me finish this car up." Steve said.
Soda leaned into me and whispered, well not really whispered, I think he wanted Steve to hear him, "Him and his cars. He can't live without him."
I laughed lightly. Steve looked up just now noticing me standing there.
"Who's this chick?" he asked, shutting the hood of the car.
"This is….er….what's your name?"
"Rayna Hunter." I said.
"Oh yeah, where did you come from Rayna?" Steve asked me.
I didn't know if I should tell them the truth or not. What if my picture's on the news? It will have my picture anyways, it doesn't matter if I tell them, and they know what I look like.
"Oklahoma City."
"Kind of far from here, don't ya think?"
I didn't say anything.
"Okay let's go, now." Soda said, breaking the awkward silence.
I followed out the front and got in a big, gray, rusty truck.
Steve drove, me by the window, and Soda in the middle.
We stopped at a small, white, run down house, and got out. We walked up the porch, and Soda held the door for me.
I smiled at him, he smiled back. He walked in after me, letting the door close on Steve.
"Damn it Soda." Steve yelled, opening the door and tackling Soda to the ground.
I looked down at them and smiled. Then a buff, muscular guy walked out separating the 2 fighting boys.
"What is the meaning of this Soda?" the big guy demanded.
I stepped back, not wanting to be involved. The guy looked over at me, and his face showed confusion, which turned back to meaning less in less than a second.
"Who are you?" He asked, politely.
"This is Rayna Hunter. I was going to ask you if she could stay here, she has nowhere else to go."
He stared at Soda, but said, "Sure. She can take your old room."
"Thanks Darry." Soda said.
"Yeah thanks." I said kind of quietly.
"No problem. Soda you get her settled in." with that Darry walked in the kitchen.
Soda showed me his old room, which was upstairs and I dropped my bags on the bed.
"So the whole gang's going out to the Nightly Double if you want to come." Soda offered.
"Gang?" I ask.
"Just a group of friends, don't worry were not that type of gang." Steve said.
I nodded and we went back down stairs. In the living room was 2 more boys. Steve plopped down on the couch next to this guy with rusty hair and side burns.
The other boy was leaning on the couch on the floor reading a book. The TV was on which showed Mickey Mouse.
Soda grabbed my hand and lead me to the chair to sit. Which I did, and that's when the boys noticed me.
The one with the sideburns, grinned and asked, "Who's this pretty broad?"
I looked up at him as he stood up. No one ever called me pretty before, maybe my parents did, but their just parents.
"This is Rayna Hunter, Two-bit lay off." Soda said, pushing him back a bit. All of them seem to have funny names, except for Steve and Darry.
I stood up, so I could look him in the eye, but I couldn't because he was so tall.
I was a little past his shoulder, but I would have to stand on my toes to even try to make eye contact.
He held my chin in his hand and made me look at him. He studied my eyes like Soda did at the DX.
"You have very pretty eyes. Very weird but unique." He commented.
I pushed his hand away, "I know, Thanks. I been getting enough of all those pretty comments today. I'm sick of them."
"Feisty, now are we?" He smirked at my remark.
"Sorry." I mumbled.
"It's alright babe, I can forgive you." Two-bit said, grinning down at my.
"Don't call me babe," I warned, "And you better wipe that grin off your face, before I do it for you."
I sat back down, leaving him speechless, standing there.
"Wow, talk about mood swings. What happened to the girl I picked up at the DX?" Soda asked.
"Yeah, what happened to her?" I heard a voice behind me say.
I look behind me and see a tall, built, guy with ice blue eyes, bleach blonde hair, and had on a black t-shirt with a leather jacket on, and jeans. He also had a cross necklace on, that hanged from his neck as he looked down at me.
Behind him, by the door was another boy that looked about my age, with black greased back hair, like the rest of the boys except for the blonde, and tan skin, with a plain black t-shirt on, jeans jacket like mine, and holey jeans.
Darry came back in, leaning against the wall waiting for me to respond.
"Well that might be, because I'm Bipolar, and I have ADHD. It just might." I said, thick with sarcasm. I was open to them because, I just didn't want to lie.
They looked a little taken back, at what I said.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing. Just didn't expect you to share that with us." Soda admitted.
I shrug and say, "Well, I don't want to lie to y'all, might as well tell the truth, because you will see more. It's not just a onetime thing." I said, honestly.
"Um….what's Bipolar?" Two-bit asked.
"I don't know much about it, but ain't it where you have big mood swings, and you have a split personality?" Darry asked me.
"Yeah, it includes those things, but there's different things to it too. I, well everyone that's Bipolar has episodes, there is depression, hypomanic, mixed affective, and manic episodes." I explained, not really caring at the time what they think.
"Manic episodes?" Two-bit asked.
"Yeah, it's where I can get easily distracted, have racing thoughts, can be very hyper, sleeping disturbances, mood changes, appetite changes, or feel out of control or feel unstoppable."
"And ADHD?" the blonde asked, sitting on the arm of the chair.
I looked at him, "It stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It's where I'm hyper at times, not acting my age, or lack of focus. That's just a few."
"How old are you anyways?" Steve asked.
"First what's all of your names, like you, you, and you?" I said, pointing at the blond, black hair kid, and the you kid that was reading the book.
"That's my brother Pony Boy." Soda said, motioning towards the last one I pointed at.
"I'm Dallas, call me Dally, and that's Johnny." The blonde said, and pointed the black haired kid, which was Johnny.
"I'm Rayna, just in case you didn't hear. I'm turning 14 in a week, I think. How old are you guys."
"16 going on 17." Soda said.
"17," Steve said.
"18, Johnny's 16." Dally replied.
"19," Two-bit said, proudly.
"20," Darry said.
"14," Pony Boy replied.
"Good I have at least one person my age. Well I'm almost your age, I'm 13 ½ right now, to be exact." I said, making Pony smile.
"So why are here?" Dally asked, me."
"She's staying here for a bit." Soda answered for me.
"Yep." I agreed.
"So are we going or not?" Dally asked, all of a sudden.
"Where?" I asked.
"To the bowling alley. There's a party there." Two-bit said.
"Oh, yeah what kind of party?" I asked.
"Just some karaoke, dancing, and plain partying." Two-bit explained.
"Is plain partying involve alcohol, I'm not going. I don't have the money to go to the cooler."
"Me either, but I go anyways." Dally said, I laughed lightly.
"Well then let's go." I said, getting up and slowly making it to the door. I turn around at the door, "Well….are you coming or not?" I waved them out the door.
They all followed me, laughing, and shaking their heads, well most of them.
I hopped in back with the rest of the guys. Sitting in between Dally, and Soda. I listen to them laugh, and joke around while Darry drove.
I wondered if I would ever be able to tell them the truth, about my real life. I was surprised that they took me as who I was.
No one ever took me in like they did. Or even be friends with me, like they are.
We got to the bowling alley and took our seats in the middle role. The contest has already started, there was a girl preforming on roller states, in a short gold skirt, and tank top.
I rolled my eyes, at the boys for whistling at her. Socs, well that's what the gang called them. Came up to us and started talking to us.
Calling us names, and stuff, but then an Elvis song came on. Two-bit jumped on stage, taking the microphone from the host, and started lip synching.
The gang started cracking up laughing. And the Socs walked out annoyed, which made us laugh more.
After a while around 10 o' clock we went back to Soda's house. We all relaxed in the living. Watching Mickey Mouse, when all of a sudden the TV flashed 'Breaking News'.
A news reporter came on, "Breaking News in Oklahoma City. 13 year old going missing 2 days ago. The dad of the girl said when he got home she was gone. His money gone with her. The police are investigating her house right now, saying that it's either she ran away, or there is a likely chance she got kidnapped. Here is the most pervious picture we have of her when she was 12. If you see her please call 911 or the police station. The award is currently 1,000 dollars, but will possibly get higher."
When the news reporter finished. The picture popped up of the girl on the screen. The gang looked at me faces full of shock. On the screen was my 6th grade spring picture.