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Author's note: Last night's episode, Irresistible, had me actually kicking and screaming with laughter. When Rodney gleefully told John about how Ronon held him against the wall while he had a nice talk with Lucius, I was finally inspired to write. This is my first SGA fic, the first I've written for quite some time, written quickly, and unbeta'd. Don't be gentle; I won't learn anything that way. Also, I'm not any type of shipper, but Rodney so totally practically leered at Teyla at the end of the episode.
Irresistible Conversation
Rodney was finally making some progress on identifying the components of Lucius' drink. This sort of chemistry wasn't really his area of expertise, but he wasn't a genius for nothing and state-of-the-art technology took away much of the human effort.
Unfortunately, it also left him twiddling his thumbs waiting for results. Normally, he'd have other experiments to work on, but at the moment he was unwilling to leave the medical research labs to return to his own for fear of too much contact with the nuts in this growing nuthouse.
They were already being more aggressive in their desire for him to share their unholy joy in all things Lucius Luvin. More aggressive being actually seeking out his company which was not common when work wasn't involved.
Rodney didn't even know the names of half the people who stopped to talk to him about how great their visitor was. Granted, he wasn't always good with names, but he was sure he hadn't even met some of them.
Of course, seeing people he knew behaving that way was even worse. He almost shuddered at the mental image of a fawning, giggly Elizabeth. In all the time he'd worked with her he'd only once seen her remotely like that and it had involved a large amount of celebratory alcohol.
One of the machines dinged, pulling him away from thoughts of Teyla's recent behavior that gave him a different kind of shudder. He hurried over to look at the results on the readout; it was some kind of chemical that would produce a pheromone when it interacted with a person's internal chemistry. That would explain why something Lucius drank was affecting people who spent too much time in his presence. Like insects giving off indicators to attract mates, apparently, their guest was giving off signals for adoring obedience.
'Hmm, that might not be so bad,' Rodney thought as he added this new data to what he'd already collected on his laptop.
With the limited amount of residue to work with, he couldn't run as many tests as he might like until Sheppard returned with more of the liquid. Perhaps Carson would've been able to find an antidote with such a small sample, but Rodney was near-blindly guessing, undergraduate chemistry and time supervising a variety of scientists his only guides.
He was hoping quantity would make up for a lack of quality and some answer would become apparent to him. Really, this was only a step above voodoo, and only the fact that he was involved saved it from that ignoble designation.
The sound of the lab door swooshing open interrupted his thoughts. Ronon ambled in, and wasn't he a disturbing sight. Rodney would concede that Ronon had been more expressive and perhaps even friendly after the incidents on the hive ship, but that beatific smile was just wrong on the usually stoic warrior's face.
"Hello, little man." And didn't that just make Rodney feel like a big boy. He backed away slowly, trying to keep a lab bench between himself and that psychotically happy smile.
Lucius stopped just inside the doorway, providing an effective barrier. "Dr. McKay, I was hoping we could have a little chat. I really think you'll like me if you get to know me."
"Er, I like you just fine now."
"I appreciate that, but I think you'd like me even more if we talked and you heard more about the amazing things I have to offer."
"Oh, well, I saw that lovely gourd and candle, really fine workmanship, that." Ronon was getting closer and Rodney was vaguely reminded of some sort of predatory bear or perhaps the effects of the enzyme, neither of which were particularly comforting. Scooting around another table, he was torn between watching Lucius for any sudden moves and watching Ronon's painfully predictable ones.
"McKay, what are you afraid of? Lucius is a wonderful man. You should be grateful he wants to get to know you." Rodney wasn't sure he'd ever heard Ronon say so much at one time, and certainly not something so complimentary.
"Yes, it's just that I'm working on something very important right now." Rodney clutched his laptop to his chest like a protective barrier. "Why don't we meet later in the mess hall? You'll love the Jell-o."
Lucius looked speculative as he took a few steps into the lab. Rodney watched closely for him to get far enough away from the door so he could make a run for it. He wouldn't have much of a chance at outrunning Ronon, but if he knocked Lucius over on the way, Rodney was pretty sure Ronon would be distracted for a good while making sure everything was okay.
"Jell-o? What is that exactly?"
"Uh, it's just great. Kind of a wiggly, rubbery substance, made from boiled animal bones, though of course you can't tell by the time they put it in the little boxes. It's fruit flavored. Blue is good, nice with some whip cream on top..." There looked like there was enough space to get past Lucius and Ronon was edging around the far side of the bench so escape would be now or never. Taking a deep breath, Rodney leaped around the side of the table and raced for the door.
He realized he'd have to stop holding the laptop with both hands if he was going to effectively push his surprised-looking target out of the way at about the same time he felt a strong grip on the back of his neck. Ronon sure was fast for such a big guy.
There was a moment of disorientation as Rodney was swung around and slammed into a glass wall. Luckily the Ancients built to last, he was pretty sure he would've gone through it in your average office building.
"Oh, Dr. McKay," Lucius tsked, coming out of his surprised stupor. "I'm really disappointed in you. Can't you see how happy everyone is to get to know me? You'll be much happier after we talk for a little while."
"I'd really rather not." Rodney squirmed in Ronon's tight grip but there wasn't any chance for escape. Now would be a great time for the Colonel to get back to the city. That reminded him, he still hadn't disabled the DHD.
"You don't know what you're missing," Ronon growled, giving Rodney's shoulders a squeeze that stopped all movement.
"Now, Ronon, he will see the error of his ways in a few minutes. You know, Dr. McKay, I think I can really relate to you. I wasn't always as well-liked as I am now."
"Hey!" Rodney exclaimed somewhat indignantly. "I'm perfectly well-liked."
His captors didn't look convinced and Lucius continued speaking, moving very close and throwing a conspiratorial arm over Rodney's shoulders, a mean feat considering the grip Ronon had on them. "Sure, sure, but there was a time when I didn't feel particularly welcome in my town. I'd take long walks, go explore other worlds, anything to get away from the scorn."
"How unfortunate for you. Have you ever heard of personal space?"
"That all changed one day." Lucius continued his tale of woe as though there'd been no interruption. "I found something on one of the planets I was exploring and it had some pretty amazing properties."
"Like making you emit a pheromone that turns people into adoring zombies?"
Lucius looked momentarily perplexed before smiling in a way that made Rodney feel even more nervous. "Something like that. Now everyone is happy to help me, they want to do anything that might possibly please me. You know, I was a baker before and it was all I could do to sell my bread, really good bread, and the occasional muffin at festival times. I had to do most of my business off world, but after I found that plant everyone wanted to be around me, they loved everything I did."
"I'm very happy for you. Now if you'd kindly tell your trained gorilla to release me, I'll just go get that Jell-o for you."
"Maybe later, for now, why don't I tell you about the planet where I found the source for my miracle elixir. It was a pretty dismal place, swampy, but the only planet I ever saw growing this herb. Now Wraith have set up an outpost there and it's not really safe for me to go back. That's why I'm so lucky to have met you folks."
Despite the chill that went through Rodney at the thought of the Wraith, a sort of warmth was starting to suffuse him, and Lucius words seemed more and more interesting. With a shake of his head he turned away from Lucius to the disturbingly peaceful smile of Ronon. "Did you hear what he just said? Wraith! He's probably planning on feeding us to them in exchange for more of his voodoo weed!"
"Lucius is such a wise and kind man," was Ronan's only reply.
"I'd never feed you to the Wraith, well, probably not. No, actually, I was hoping your technology, maybe that flying ship of yours, would be enough to go there and get it without too much trouble. You're a smart man Rodney, can I call you Rodney?"
Rodney felt himself nodding despite himself. "See, we're better friends already. I'm sure you have all kinds of great ideas for getting it. And everyone here is so helpful; they'll all be volunteering to go."
"I'd go," Ronan added, loosening his grip on Rodney.
"There's just one thing I'm wondering about. What happened to Colonel Sheppard?"
"Oh, he went back to your planet to get a larger sample of that elixir you've been taking to make everyone act insane." Rodney said this was a smile that part of his brain said was inappropriate for the situation, but most of it was too enthralled with Lucius' perfect face.
Lucius looked stunned then shook his finger beratingly. "I knew I shouldn't have left you two alone for so long, look what trouble you've gotten up to."
Rodney's face crumbled at the thought of displeasing their wonderful guest. "I'm really sorry; I don't know what I was thinking."
Patting him reassuringly with the arm thrown over his shoulders, Lucius started guiding Rodney towards the door. "That's okay, I'm sure you'll see things more clearly from now on. Why don't we go up to Elizabeth's office and we'll get a team together to go get my herb. Would you like that?"
"I would be so honored!" Rodney fairly bubbled, dumping his laptop on a table as they passed.
"Yes, you are very fortunate. And maybe you can tell me more about your technology?"
"Of course, I'd love to tell you anything you want to know, I know just about everything about everything. But I'd really much rather hear about you and the amazing things you must do."
"Well, I am pretty amazing," Lucius agreed as they entered the transport.
The End