notes: it's artsy. leave me alone, i like it.
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Serena wants to tell Blair, (but Blair will judge; Blair always judges).
So she doesn't tell anybody.
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Do you wanna try it? He asks her, a hopeful smile and blue eyes shining — blue like the sea, the depths of the ocean, the wonders of the sky. She shrugs her shoulders and kisses him.
Deep down, she wants to say no, scream it from the rooftops, but she says yes instead.
She's Serena; everyone expects her to say yes.
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She misses a period and it's not until the month is over that she notices.
It's a panic, a mayhem, oh god I'm pregnant, who's pregnant at fourteen? and she doesn't know where the abortion clinics are or how you order an abortion, or if she could go through with one. It's not a baby yet, she reminds herself hands floating over her stomach. Over the green top with the lace sleeves.
It's three days later and there's blood between her legs and a smile on her lips; false alarm.
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Nate comes to her late in the night, once the sky has turned from blue to velvet and the moon glitters like a pretty lullaby.
Did you sleep with Robert, because he's telling everyone that you did. It's the first time Serena cries in front of Nate. (it's not). Heavy mascara smudges around her eyes, blue eyes popping and Nate falling in love with the idea of being able to fix a beautiful girl.
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Serena wears a red beret the day she punches Robert, purple stockings and blue earrings and a ring that her Grandmother gave her. Nate's arms still feel like they're wrapped around her, and the girls are staring at her like they know.
Robert is around the corner, loud voice boasting about the girl he fucked with long blonde hair and blue eyes and mate, it was her, you know the one, am i right? and her chest is full of fury, and her heart full of rage.
She's never punched somebody before, and her hand hurts more than she thinks his face does but her heels are pounding into his nuts and she hopes he can't have children. Hopes that it leaves him deformed, or something.
(She's also never been more proud of herself in her life, for the record).
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You're fourteen! Blair shrieks as she paces about Serena's bedroom. The blonde sits on her bed, thumb tucked between teeth as she nibbles on the nail like it's a delicious treat.
Lots of fourteen year olds do it, Penelope, Amara, Chuck — Serena starts to list until Blair shrieks that Chuck isn't an option because he's Chuck, he was born foul and disgusting. Serena shrieks back, Chuck gets a free pass because he's a boy; she may be naive, but she isn't stupid.
Blair doesn't look at her the same again, not for a while at least.
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Georgina doesn't care that she slept with Robert.
Georgina doesn't care about anything.
The girl is only up for fun, and fun includes pills. All in pretty colours, mostly arranged in pretty patterns. They feel nice on Serena's tongue, look nice as she pokes it out and Georgina places a pretty green mint pastel coloured one on. Eyes squeeze shut, the pill slides down her throat and she feels like she's bouncing in the air, bounce bounce bounce —
She's as high as a kite; nobody can reach her now.
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She turns up drunk at Blair's at one in the morning, arm hooked around Georgina's and breath smells of vodka but fun fun fun — remember?
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Blair Waldorf is furious, coloured coded sheets in her hand as she races down the stairs as quietly as she can. Tries not to wake anybody in the house. Whore, Blair sneers as she looks at Georgina. Eyes glancing at Serena, disheveled. She's ashamed of what her best friend has become.
Slut, she sneers as she inches closer. Before she slaps Georgina across the face, her palm stings and Georgina laughs. A manic laugh, full of craziness and it's just the pills, Serena tells herself but there's something crazy about Georgie that frightens Serena.
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(She loves Nate, sometimes she'll whisper it in the dark alleys of streets as she wonders home alone. Sometimes as she breathes out smoke on the balcony of a party. Sometimes as she dives deep into the ocean until her head is clear).
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I'll be back! Lily waves goodbye, and Serena packs her bags and Eric cries in the corner because where's mum? and Serena sighs as her arms fall around his shoulders and the weight of the world is now on her.
The Archibalds are welcoming, and the Waldorfs love them. Vanya signs their slips for school, and Lily will infrequently leave calls of I love yous! and we say hi! and [insert whereever she is] is wonderful! Really, next time you should come! Serena will curl up in a ball in her room, telephone cord wrapped around her fingers and she'll briefly think of wrapping it around her neck.
Eric and her will sit at the Waldorf dinner table, watch as Blair joked around with her parents; rolled her eyes at their silly jokes. Why can't Serena's family be whole?
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For the record, Nate kisses her.
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Chuck's hand creeps up her thigh, and dirty remarks spill out of her lips. If Nate and Blair are meant to be, Serena and Chuck are meant to be.
(But she wishes that it wasn't true).