Title: No candle-lit moments
Chapter: Sequel to "The Reega made me do it."
Author: Bethany16/Zenamydog
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairing: Sam/Dean
Warnings: Mentions of rape and wincest. Slight spoiler for the
Benders
Beta: Wenchpixie
Feedback: Yes Please! Anything constructive is always welcome!
Disclaimer: Don't own them. But boy would I like to!
Summary: Dean knew he hurt Sam, but if he didn't get over it, he was going to get himself killed. When he almost does, all hell breaks loose. Sequel to "The Reega made me do it." Angst/Slashy but not Wincest.
A/N: Although you technically could read this as a oneshot, you will enjoy it more if you read a href"http/community. Reega made me do it" /a first.
This is dedicated to my wonderful Beta Wenchpixie, who gave me the courage and the push, to write this.
The bar was packed, it was hot and Smokey, with a not-so-good cover band playing in the background.
Sam guzzled down his beer and watched Dean lean in for yet another 'accidental' brush against the petite but big bosomed blond.
The young hunter's face contorted into something akin to disgust when the sound of a glass breaking made him jump.
The glass the girl had been holding just shattered; right there in her hand. The look on her face was that of shock and Dean looked directly at Sam.
Sam's 'powers' had been growing stronger, and while he had no idea how or what he was doing, things where beginning to move or break when he got emotional.
The first time it had happened they were in the car and Dean had nearly run over a possum. Sam had said something about cruelty and Dean, even though he didn't really mean it, had retorted with a not so caring remark about there being too many of them anyhow.
One of Dean's cassette tapes had flown off of the Dash and hit Dean on the side of the head.
Looking at each other, both tried to dismiss it as a freak occurrence but both would discover later it hadn't been.
The glass had not cut the girl but it had splattered drink all over her dress. She excused herself to go and clean up and Dean walked over to Sam.
Dean slid into the semicircle booth. His face was flushed, and Sam wondered if he would be angry. He hadn't meant to break the glass, Jesus, he hadn't even been thinking anything like that, but…….
"What the fuck was that, Sam?" Dean pounced.
"Yep, angry" Sam thought as he necked the rest of his beer, and put the empty bottle down hard on the table.
"You could have hurt her Sam" Dean said accusingly.
"How do ya know it was me?" Sam tried deflecting.
When Dean gave him 'a look' Sam didn't even bother, guilt had won.
"It's not like I meant it" Sam said looking away; his tone full of concern.
"I don't know what's happening, I'm sorry. Okay….. I don't know how to control it." Sighing heavily he added "it scares me."
Dean's anger drained away as he realized how unsupportive he had been over this. Wanting to pretend it was, they all were, coincidences.
Being this hard for him, he could only imagine what his little brother was going through.
"Yet." Dean said, and his brother looked at him strangely.
"You don't know how to control it yet." Dean sympathized.
Sam gave a half smile, chanced a brief glimpse into Deans eyes, and Sam knew his brother concern was genuine.
Sam was distracted when he saw the blond girl slink up to the bar.
Dean had noticed too, and his mind's eye played with ways to get the girl out of that wet dress.
"I wanna go Dean." Sam interrupted Dean's train of thought. "We've got an early start in the morning and I'm tired."
"Way to go grandma." Dean wanted to say, but stopped short.
Last time this kind of thing had happened and Dean had said something like that, Sam had left on his own. Had got himself kidnapped by some idiot psycho family that wanted to hunt and eat him in the process.
The sheer pain and desperation Dean had felt upon discovering Sam missing told Dean he could never let Sam walk out of a bar alone again.
So he tried another tactic. "Aww Sammy, come on." Dean looked across at the blond he'd been working on for most of the night.
Sam followed Dean's gaze, seeing the girl give Dean a wide eyed seductive smile.
A feeling of agitation rose in the pit of Sam's stomach, he wasn't sure why, he just knew he wanted to get out of there.
Sam started to rise from the table and Dean grabbed him by the wrist, forcing him to sit again.
"What's up with you man?" Dean asked, exasperated.
Can't you see I'm getting set up here?" He said, almost pleadingly.
Sam glanced angrily at his brother and looked away. "Yeah I see that." He said, fidgeting with his empty beer bottle.
"Well." Dean said.
"Well what?" Sam asked, not looking at his brother.
"Well…….Can't you just chill for a while? Couple of hours is all I need." Dean smirked.
Sam looked up and his face told Dean he was considering it.
Trying to ensure Sam wouldn't leave, Dean said; "Hey, she's got a friend, name's, ahh" Dean frowned trying to remember. "Heather, I think. Why don't I…….."
"No" Sam interrupted loudly. Lowering his eyes back to the bottle label he was methodically peeling off. "I'm not into one night stands."
"Oh man. Come on Sam. It will do you good." Dean put on his best persuading voice.
"No thanks" Sam responded meekly, still not making eye contact. "It's okay, you go ahead."
Dean considered this for a moment but tried to get Sam to go along one more time. .
"Sam. Ya gotta loosen up buddy. I know you prefer the deep and meaningful stuff, but, hell, that's just not possible with our life style. So…."
Sam glanced up momentarily. Eyes wide with something Dean didn't quite catch. "I said go ahead didn't I?"
"Awww Sam." Dean felt guilty about leaving him. But he really wanted to get laid, and Sam was being the biggest poop of the party.
"Geeze Sam, you turning into Mother Teresa or something?" Guilt now turning to annoyance at Sam's inflexibility. "I mean, seriously, when's the last time you had sex...Huh?"
"Seriously" Sam smirked to himself, raising his head slowly. His face expressionless.
Looking directly into his brothers eyes, he wasn't even tempted to look away, he didn't flinch.
In a low dry voice he said, "Three weeks ago."
Dean's brow rose involuntarily. His gut twisted, and his heart sank. His mind just came to a screeching halt.He was speechless.
Dean was the first to enter the hotel room, dropping the impala keys and his cell phone on the bed, he walked straight into the bathroom.
Closing the door and locking it he leaned against its frame. Arching his head backwards he knocked his head softly. Once, twice, three times with more force each time until it made him wince.
"Jesus Sammy, I thought we were past this" Dean thought.
It had been three weeks since their run in with the Reega.
Three weeks since its lust spell had been cast, and they had had sex.
Three weeks since Dean's mind blowing confession that he had, indeed, "woken up" while they were fucking, and had known exactly what he was doing.
The tension had eased off somewhat, and things were getting back to normal. Or so Dean had thought.
Walking to the basin, Dean turned the tap and splashed cold water on his face.
"Stupid, stupid, stupid" Dean berated himself. "Why the hell did I tell him the truth?"
"Because he was sitting in the bathroom, gripping my knife, telling me he understood why those men killed themselves." Came the answer from the other side of his brain. "That's why!"
Sam had thought about that night often, but he had been the one to suggest they never talked about it again. So, he hadn't. Not until tonight anyhow.
He had so many unresolved feeling over the whole incident. He had so many questions.
He tried to push it all aside, he really did, but it kept popping into his brain.
Dean would only have to smile, sigh or cock his head a certain way, and it all came flooding back.
Now Dean was pissed with him, and he really didn't blame him. Not only had he sabotaged Dean's chance at getting laid, he had bought the subject up again, in a not so subtle way.
Sitting on the side of the bed, Sam sulked. "Things were almost back to normal, and now I've fucked em up again."
Hearing a sound, Sam looked up in time to see the pen resting in the middle of the table start to role and drop to the floor. "Man!"He wined, knowing he had done it.
When the shower water turned on, Sam knew Dean wasn't coming out any time soon.
Sighing he stripped to his boxers and climbed into his bed.
"His bed." Sam mused. His mind involuntarily re-playing that night.
Dean had told him he loved him, and Sam couldn't help but smile at the memory.
Sam remembered how after, umm, sex, they had laid there entwined as they drifted off to sleep.
"It had been the Reega's spell. The memory, the feelings. "It was that god dammed spell." Sam tried hard to convince himself. "All the spell. Dean would never….. he just wouldn't."
Sam wanted so much to turn off, but his mind wouldn't cooperate. "Why didn't you stop Dean? Why didn't he make me understand what we were doing was wrong? Why didn't you just stop?"
The question, for the most part, had gone unanswered, and the need to know was getting stronger, causing all kinds of anxiety, not to mention frustration.
Sam tried to put himself in Deans place. "Would I have stopped? If I had been the one to wake up. Would I have stopped?
Sam pondered, coming up with the only answer he could.
"Yes."
He felt dirty and ashamed. Most of all, he felt used, and he didn't understand why.
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Turning to face the other direction Sam pretended to be sleeping when he heard the bathroom door open.
Going through his night time ritual, mentally checking everything was how it was suppose to be, Dean climbed into bed.
As he placed his knife under his pillow, he looked over at his brother.
"Not gunna sneak off to the bathroom with my knife again, are ya?" He asked, laying his head on the pillow, not sure if he was joking.
His brother winced. "No." Sam replied quietly.
Dean felt relief when after a few moments, nothing else was said, and he started to drift off to sleep.
"Dean?" Sam almost whispered.
Dean's eyes opened. "Damn it!" He thought. "So close. What an idiot I am to think you were just going to go to sleep. Why? 'Cause your Sammy, that's why."
"Yeah?" Dean's voice was cautious.
"I'm sorry…….I'm sorry for spoiling your night, and I'm sorry for what I said about….."
"It's okay" Dean interrupted. Not wanting to hear the last part of the apology. "Just get some sleep, alright?"
Dean's stomach tightened when he heard the bed springs creek, and he knew Sam had turned around to face him.
He wasn't ready for this conversation, hell, he didn't think he would ever be, but…
He knew that even though Sam had been the one to say they never needed to talk about it, he obviously did, because he just couldn't let it go.
Sighing heavily, feeling like he was going to regret it, Dean turned over.
The room was dark, but the flashing neon Motel sign gave the room just enough light,
to see the broad outline of each others face.
Sam's mind reeled. This was his chance. All the thoughts, feelings, pain and anger washed over him. He just couldn't find his voice. Couldn't put into words, what he wanted, no…. had to know.
Looking at his brother's face Sam could see, even in the dim light, how peeved Dean was.
The fact that Dean had turned to face him meant that he was willing to put himself through whatever Sam had to say, and it meant a lot to Sam.
Then, knowing that bought a rush of compassion that overpowered all else.
"Never mind" he said simply, and turned his back to Dean again.
Dean rolled his eyes. "If you've got something to say Sam, just say it."
Sam knew Dean was there ready to listen, if not hear, but he couldn't. He just couldn't bring himself to open up the gaping wound completely.
"Night Dean" Sam said closing his eyes.
Dean rolled over quickly, muttering something between, "whatever, and goodnight."
Another week had passed, and except for an occasional glimpse of something in Sam's eyes, Dean felt like they were slowly getting back on track.
They had been on this hunt for three days now, and they were closing in on the werewolf that had been mauling and killing the people of the town.
They had finally tracked it to a small clearing near the edge of the lake.
"Trail stops here." Sam had said, and Dean gave him a "Well thank you Mr. obvious" look.
"It's here." Dean said sure of himself, eager to get this hunt over with.
"Where?" Sam shrugged. "We've searched. We should have found its lair by now."
Dean studied his brother for a moment. It wasn't like Sam to give up on a trail so easily.
But Sam hadn't been himself for a while now, and Dean knew that. He had been broody and forgetful, and completely off his game.
Dean wondered if they should even be out there. How could Sam watch his back if he couldn't concentrate?
Worse that that, how could Dean protect him, if he was being irresponsibly careless.
The sound of a branch breaking put both men on guard. Seeing that Sam was rising to the task, Dean motioned to him to circle around the other way.
Making a wide circle, Dean saw there had been movement there recently. It was close, he could feel it, smell it, almost taste it.
His heightened hunter instinct went into over drive when the path he was taking brought him back to the edge of the lake.
That's when he saw it, faint, due to the ebb and flow of the water. The trail didn't just end, it continued into the water.
"Into the water?" Dean mused. "Werewolves don't go into the water." And then the realization hit him. "Shit! It's a seawolf." He said softly.
Looking around quickly, he wanted to call out to Sam, as he wondered why his brother hadn't been led back here as he had.
Deciding not to risk yelling, and alerting it to his position, he started to walk the waters edge. His pace quickening as an uneasy feeling started to grow in his gut.
"Fuck it!" He thought as he came to the end of the lakes long walk able trail.
Cupping his hand to his mouth, fear started to override his need to stay hidden, he called out for his brother. "Sam! Sammy!"
When all that met him was silence, his uneasiness started to turn to panic. "Sam!" He called again, this time louder and with much more urgency in his voice.
Climbing the branches, rocks and debris that ended the trail for the average walker, Dean spotted something glitter, catching the light.
It was Sam's gun, and when Dean picked it up, his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. His mind just kept repeating "No no, God Sammy no!"
His brain was just starting to get past the denial, when he heard a loud splash. He could see something breaching the water in the distance.
For the smallest of a second he saw his brother, legs kicking, arms flailing, gasping for air, and then he was gone.
Dean kicked off his boots and jacket and dove into the water.
Dean had always been a strong swimmer, and he knew his speed was doubled with the adrenaline rush, but it took so long. God why was it taking so long to get to his brother. "I'm coming Sam! Just hang on, I'm coming!"
When finally he reached the spot he saw his brother, he took one huge breath and dove down.
Down, down down, his strokes taking him deeper. But the deeper he got the darker it was, and he struggled to see two feet in front of him.
His lungs burnt for oxygen as he used all his strength to keep from surfacing.
"Don't panic, fuck fuck, don't panic! His brain howled as he franticly searched for his brother and the 'thing' that had him.
It was no good. He would have to go up for air. Gasping as he filled his lungs and plunged yet again into the depths.
Cursing himself for the time it took, his mind screamed at him for being so weak. God if he had needed oxygen, then Christ, Sam must be in bad shape.
Searching desperately, "No, Jesus please! Sammy oh God, Sammy where are you?" His darkest fears starting to play out in his head.
The lake was huge and deep. The chance of seeing his brother, let alone being able to rescue him, hit Dean like his heart had been ripped out and feed, bit by bit, to a pack of frenzied seagulls.
When Dean realized he may in fact never see Sam again, he thought fleetingly that maybe he would let himself drown too.
Then he heard something. No, felt something. He wasn't sure, it seemed to speak to his mind.
"I'm here Dean, help me. Behind you, I can see you. Dean!"
Dean turned, and began swimming. Body aching, lungs desperate, he finally saw, he saw his brother flailing body, just in time to see it go limp in the Seawolve's arms.
Pulling the silver tipped knife from his belt, he felt adrenaline hit peak, and he attacked as if a Dog defending its pups.
He stabbed and he stabbed, but he knew he could not kill it with such a meager weapon, unless it was right through the heart.
The Seawolf obviously hurt, still didn't want to give up its prey, and Dean knew it was his only advantage at this point.
Dean had to get his brother away, so he could get a clean strike.
Wrapping his free arm around Sam he twisted, kicked and pulled with all his might.
As the thought made its way to Dean's conscious, he seemed to forget all restrictions. Suddenly his strength seemed to double.
"You! Can't! Have! Him! He's MINE!" Then, when Dean was all but spent, the Seawolf chose survival over Sam, and let go. Sending Dean's unconscious brother into his arms.
It made its fatal mistake by assuming Dean wouldn't let Sam go, thinking it would have the same advantage Dean had had.
It attacked, but he did let go, knowing it was their only chance, the timing was picture perfect, it advanced and Dean thrust the knife fully into the creature's heart.
If the older Winchester had time he could have sworn there was a look of shock on its face, as it slowly sank to the bottom.
Grabbing his brother's lifeless body, Dean ascended as quickly as his oxygen deprived body could take them.
Gasping and spluttering as his lungs finally took in the much needed, life giving air.
Sam was unconscious and all Dean could think, was he had to get back to land.
Half dragging, half carrying his not so little brother, away from the water's edge, he felt for a pulse.
"Oh God please." He said out loud, when he put his fingers to his brother's throat.
"Yes!" Dean wanted to high-five the air. He could feel the faint throbbing, but there was no rise and fall in Sam chest, he wasn't breathing.
Tilting Sam's head back, Dean pinched his nose, and began resuscitating him.
After several breaths his brother didn't respond and Dean felt burning tears rolling down his cheeks. "Fuck, No, please Sammy, please."
A few more breaths, there was still nothing, but the mechanical rise and fall, caused through Deans intervention. Sam's pulse was weaker, almost non existent. Sam was loosing the battle for life.
Scared out of his mind, Dean started to shake his brother. "Don't you do this! Don't you fucking do this! Don't you dare leave me! Don't you die Sammy!"
Sheer terror snapped him into an "I have to fix this, big brother mode." Calming him enough to continue breathing for his brother.
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Sam felt calm, not frightened at all. There was a vague awareness that he was dying, but it was so peaceful, he couldn't bring himself to really mind.
It was like falling, and a part of him knew that all he would have to do was let go.
He wasn't sure if he was really hearing it, wasn't sure if it was real. All Sam wanted to do was let go, but there was this 'thing'. Something nagging at the edge of his consciousness.
It seemed so familiar, and yet, so far away. Sam knew he needed to follow the familiarity, but gosh, falling was so tempting.
Fear started to peak in Dean when, after each five breaths, Sam still wasn't breathing on his own.
Wading towards consciousness, Sam could start to feel the physiology of his body. Almost seeing the way his chest was being forced to move up and down.
His arms ached, his back hurt, and his insides burnt like hell had taken up residence in his chest.
The closer he got to waking up, the more aware he felt, of something he had experienced before. The feeling of deja-vu, almost frightening.
"Dean?" Sam pondered. Feeling something warm across his mouth.
Not quite able to wake yet, Sam somehow managed to register, that Dean mouth was on his. Dean seemed to be kissing him.
The sudden intake of his brother's breath, took Dean by surprise, but he had the presence of mind to roll Sam sideways to expel the water.
Dean's relief elicited an almost child like response. "That's it Sammy, good boy, cough it up" all the while patting him reassuringly.
After coughing until he thought his intestines would end up through his nose, Sam rolled halfway onto his back.
Sam suddenly scurried and moved away from his brother.
"Whoa there Sammy, its Okay, it's just me." Dean reassured, not liking the look in Sam's eyes.
"What were you doing?" Sam half whimpered.
Dean really just wanted to tell Sam that he was being a girl, but there was an element in Sam's face, that read clearly, 'fear'.
"Doing?" Dean's confusion was genuine. "What do you mean?"
"You, had your….." Sam's hand unconsciously went to his lips.
Dean still took a moment to register, when he said, "Giving you mouth to mouth you idiot. You almost fricking drowned."
"What the hell did you think I was doing?" Dean realized the implications in Sam's question.
All of a sudden, Sam felt silly and awkward."Yeah, umm….sorry man." Sam managed to get out.
"No Sam, I'm sorry. 'Cause I am not letting you get away with this. This is about that God damned Reega again, isn't it?" Dean's tone was set with determination.
In a soft almost mocking tone Dean looked intensely at his brother. "You're kidding me right? You almost drowned. Yeah, almost fucking died!" Venom starting to drip from each word.
"You so can't deal with this Reega thing can you?. And yet you think I am the one who has communication issues! Fuck Sam, getting killed because we had sex, is oh so not cool!"
Sam opened his mouth as if in retort. Something reflecting hurt in his face.
Dean just shot Sam a look. An all consuming, gut wrenching, obey or else, look. "Get in the car, let's go."
Moving forward slightly, Sam felt the full brunt of what his lungs had been though come crashing down. "Ahhhhhh!" Sam moaned as he hit the floor.
Dean was near the car when he heard the thud of Sam's fall. His pride causing him to hesitate for a split second, before running frantically to his brother's side.
"Sammy?" Dean pulled Sam to a sitting position by his shoulders. "You okay bro?"
"My chest hurts." Sam said reaching over his heart. Feeling kind of weak.
"No shit Sam." Dean tried to make lighter of the conversation. "Come on, let's get you to the car." Reaching out, Dean offered his brother his support.
Sam took Dean's hand, and allowed Dean to bring his arm around Dean's shoulders.
There was a second, where Sam tensed, withdraw, maybe even flinched, and it was clear it wasn't due to the pain. It hadn't gone unnoticed by Dean. His anger returned.
Both men knew. It was going to be a long drive back to the motel.
"Sam?" Dean finally broke the uncomfortable silence pulling the impala into its parking bay.
"Yeah?" Sam replies as he reaches for the door.
"Back there" Dean began, a hint of fear in his voice. "I heard you…..under the water, you know. I mean……I think I…………."
The soft almost knowing look Sam gave his brother, truly unnerved Dean, but he couldn't think about that now.
"That was me" Sam answered as if it was of no consequence.
"Oh" Came out of Dean's mouth as he watched Sam get out and move to their room.
"Well?" Dean said as he followed Sam into the room.
"Well….." Dean totally expected Sam to know what he was talking about. "How the hell did you talk to me under water?"
Sitting down heavily on the bed, Sam made a face and shrugged. "Pushed the words into your mind." He said, rubbing his sore chest.
Dean's mouth hung open, "You what?" Not quite sure he heard his brother correctly.
"Projected my thoughts" Sam said, as if it was an everyday event.
Now Dean was getting pissed, Sammy had been holding out on him. "So how long have you been able to do this?"
"Not sure" Sam replied "Kinda thought I might be able to, when I started thinking of things in the car to listen to, and the next thing I know, you would be putting them into the cassette deck."
"Either that or you were reading MY mind. So I tried a couple of other things, and they seemed to work." He continued.
"Other things? What other things?" Dean was not happy.
"Yeah" Sam half smiled. "Like when I wanted pancakes for breakfast the other day. You wanted bacon and eggs. But…."
"Shit" Dean realized. He had set out for the Diner, but had ended up at the Pancake Parlor.
"Fuck Sammy!" Dean was on the edge. "And when the hell were you planning on telling me about this new goddamned ability?"
Sam put his hand to his face and swiped his palm down it. He was tired and the pain in his chest was only now starting to ease. "Can we drop this, talk about this later, I'm exhausted."
"No Sammy!" Dean bit out. "You've been messing with my head. I'm not about to drop it!"
Sam's head shot up, and his eyes narrowed at the words. "Messing with your head?" Sam almost laughed at the thought.
"Yeah well ditto." Sam deadpanned.
"What's that suppose to mean?" Dean asked.
Sam didn't say a word, but his eyes and face did. It only took a moment for Dean to catch on.
"The Reega? Again with the fucking Reega?" Deans eyes were all pupil with rage.
"You mope and sulk, you lock yourself in the bathroom with my god damned knife, you can't concentrate, you're off your game, get yourself caught and almost fucking killed! You've been playing with my head for almost a week now! All because of that motherfucking Reega! Dean stood glaring down at his brother.
Sam flinched at the heat and intensity in Dean's voice. He almost recoiled, he almost apologized, but Dean made the mistake of continuing.
"It was nothing but sex Sammy! S.E.X" Dean spelt it, almost mockingly. "Christ! You almost died because we had sex? You need to get the fuck over it!"
"It was nothing….." Dean started, but Sam was on his feet now, and the rest of the sentence "to die over" was never heard.
Grabbing Dean by his T-Shirt, Sam threw him hard against the wall, his face barely inches from his brother's.
Dean could feel his breath, could hear the short, sharp, ragged sound of his inhaling and exhaling.
"Fuck, this thing with walls has gotta stop." He thought. His body was tense, ready and alert. This time he was prepared to fight back
Someone had to give Sam a harsh wakeup call. Christ, he was an inch from being killed tonight.
If Sam was going to be as careless as he was back there, then he was prepared to kick his ass to oblivion.
He knew he had been in the wrong, he knew he had hurt Sam, but this was getting beyond a joke. They…..he… couldn't go on like this. The thought of Sam drowning still fresh in his mind.
"You know what dude?" Dean said. Jaw set and hardness in his eyes. "If you can't get past this, then I…I don't know what the fuck we're gunna do. Cause, honestly…. it's getting really old!"
"Old?" Sam's eyes widened. "Old?" His face twisted as he snarled, pushing Dean harder into the wall.
In a fit of rage Sam screamed. "You had a choice Dean, I didn't!" Tightening his grip. "You weren't the one who was fucking RAPED!"
The instant the word left his mouth, Sam couldn't believe he had said it. He didn't really believe that. Did he? He wanted to take it back.
He watched, no, felt, his brothers body go limp, as every ouch of fight in him slipped away.
Releasing his hold, Sam took two steps backwards, staring at Dean as if in shock.
Dean was trembling, eyes moist with unshed tears. His face was so full of disbelief, that all Sam wanted to do was drop to his knees and beg Dean to forgive him.
Dean put his hand to his mouth, and ran past Sam towards the bathroom, almost knocking him over.
Sam heard the heave and the splutter, and he knew his brother was being violently ill.
Two more gut wrenching heaves, and Sam's legs gave way. He did fall to his knees. "God! Why did I say that? No! No! It wasn't like that. I didn't mean it. You didn't…."
Sam put his hand to his throat. He felt like he couldn't breathe.
Standing, Sam looked towards the door. It flung open without being touched.
He didn't know why. He had no idea what he was doing, or where he was going, he just began to run.
His legs could hardly keep up with the speed his brain wanted to take him. RUN! RUN! RUN!
Dean just lay there, his head rest against the toilet bowl. His stomach ached, his throat was sore, and he could still taste the vomit in his mouth. But he didn't care.
"I raped my brother. Oh my God. I raped my brother." His mind tried to come to terms, but it just couldn't.
Hearing the door slam, Dean got to his feet. "Sammy?"
Quickly walking to the front of the of the motel room, he caught a glimpse of his brother, as he ran off in the distance.
"Sam!" He yelled. "Sammy!" Without a second thought, he took off after him.
Sam was tall. Sam had long legs. He could easily out run his brother any day. But Dean just needed to keep him in sight.
"Sam stop!" Dean pleaded as he tried to catch up.
The sound of dry leaves and broken branches crackling under his quickened steps, were the only noise that filled his ears. Sam ran, and just kept running.
Reaching the wide dirt road that passed for the main highway, Sam ran across it, not even looking.
Dean heard the car toot loud and long, and his heart skipped a beat, when he saw how perilously close it came to hitting his brother.
Fear for Sam's safety now willed his legs greater speed. Calling out; "Sammy stop!" as he started to close the gap.
Sam couldn't think, couldn't feel, he couldn't hear anything but his own, already battered lungs, heaving from the exertion.
But then, something…… Dean crying out his name, filtered through.
Stopping, Sam braced himself, backing up against a tree. Using all his hunter skill, he calmed and controlled his breathing.
Dean almost made the same mistake, and he felt the 'whoosh' as a car speed by.
Crossing the highway, Dean stopped. "Shit!" He had lost him.
"Sam?" He called out breathlessly, looking franticly for any clue to which way his brother had run.
Sam could hear Dean now, he was close. But he stayed quiet and still. Willing himself to blend into the tree.
Running after Sam, Dean was all brother, but now, listening to the stillness in the dark, he became hunter.
It took him less than a minute to know, to feel, his brother's presence.
Standing there, the thought had occurred to him, this was just like the night, four weeks ago, when Sam had locked himself in the bathroom.
Sam had been emotionally drained and unstable because of Dean's inability to deal with what happened.
"Christ!" Dean felt panic flare. Did Sam have a weapon with him?
He couldn't see him, but he knew his brother would be able to hear him.
"Sammy!" Dean shouted. "I know you're out there……..I know you can hear me!... Sam?"
A moment passed. Nothing.
"Damn it Sam, this isn't funny. Get your ass out here now!" He tried ordering.
An even longer moment. Nothing.
"Jesus Sammy, please. Just come back to the motel. We can….." Unable to finish, as the lump grew in his throat.
Dean closed his eyes. "I can fix this." His voice soft now. Saying it more for himself, knowing full well, he couldn't.
When again he was met with silence, Dean lowered his head.
Cursing himself, Dean's eyes stung. "Shit. Why would you come out? I've betrayed you in the worst possible way. Fuck, I…Oh God….." He had never felt so sorry, so tormented.
Sam's acute hearing had picked up Dean's 'fix this" comment, and the desperation with which it was said.
Actually hearing how wounded he sound, he knew he had to give him the opportunity to try. Slowly he walked towards his brother.
"Dean?" Came a very quiet voice.
Dean turned sharply, surprised that his brother had gotten within a few feet without him hearing.
"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." Sam gave him a weak smile.
It faded quickly, when he was met with Dean's anguished and haunted eyes.
"Hey" Dean said softly. Not really knowing why.
"Hey" Sam replied, not breaking eye contact.
For a long moment their gazes locked. Scared if they looked away, the other may disappear. The unspoken communication reaching depths neither knew existed.
Dean's nostrils flared, and his jaw tightened. He couldn't let the tears come. If the tears came now, he knew he would collapse under their weight.
Sam was the first to speak. "I didn't mean it Dean.…I'm sorry."
"God Sammy, you have nothing to be sorry for. I did this. I did it." Then as the thought made its way to his conscious mind, a sob escaped from his mouth.
"Dean." Sam wanted to make sure that his brother understood. "I swear, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."
Hearing "I'm sorry" for the second time, tipped Dean over the edge, and he responded with the only defense his mind and heart would allow.
He got angry.
Walking away, Dean turned his back to Sam. "Don't say that!... Damn it Sam, don't say that!"
Sam just stood there in silence. What did he say?
"Don't say you're sorry." Dean continued. "Don't fucking say you're sorry!"
Dean turned to face his brother, and his defense mechanisms were in full flight, because there was fury in his face.
Sam looked at him, totally baffled by Dean's sudden anger.
"You know why?" Dean spat, taking a step forward.
Sam just stood there.
"Because you were right! Okay? He shouted.
None of this is your fault. Ya hear me? None of it! I did…" He forced himself to say it. "I did rape you!"
"No, Dean." Sam almost pleaded. "You didn't."
Dean looked unconvinced. Why was he even bothering? He knew what he did.
"Rape means there wasn't consent Dean. And…and there was." Sam continued.
"You were under a fucking spell Sammy!" Dean voice started to rise again.
"So were you." Sam counted.
"Yes but……." Dean lowered his head.
"I know, you woke up." Sam jumped in. "I know that but…."
Sam felt a lump forming in his throat. This was it. He had to know. He had to know the whole truth, or it was going to kill them both.
"I want you to tell me Dean. I need to know. Why……why didn't you stop, when you realized what was happening?"
Dean felt sick. His heart raced and his legs felt like jelly. He hadn't allowed himself to think about this. God he wanted to stay safe in his anger, but he knew he had no other choice.
Putting on the best forced grin he could muster, Dean said; "Think I need to sit down for this." With that, he went to the nearest tree and sat, leaning up against it.
Sam looked at Dean for a moment, not quite knowing what to do, but eventually he walked up and sat cross-legged opposite his brother.
The night was cool, but both men were radiating heat from their run, and the stars were out in force. With the sparkling and shifting of shadows, they could easily have been sitting in a candle lit room.
Dean sighed heavily, as he tried to gather his thoughts. "I don't know what to tell you Sam." He finally said.
"The truth." Sam said flatly.
"The truth." Dean gave a half grin, and lowered his eyes. "Not exactly sure I know what that is."
"Try." Sam said, a bit sharper than he wanted to.
"Well" Dean got out, as he started to feel his stomach turn inside out. "When you first." Dean felt himself blush. "I dunno, kissed me." He began.
It was Sam's turn to blush now.
"I knew it was the spell" Dean continued. "And I was all ready to kick your ass. But….." He shrugged.
"But what?" Sam prompted softly, looking directly at his brother.
"But then I got caught up in the spell too I guess, and I didn't want to anymore." Dean stole a glance at Sam.
"And the" Dean couldn't believe he was about to use the 'F' word. "feelings were so……they were so……" He stumbled for the right word, hesitating.
"Intense?" Sam asked.
"Yeah" Dean looked up and smiled briefly. "I just couldn't help it, I just…went with it."
Sam looked at his brother, and felt a wave of sympathy wash over him. He knew how foreign this conversation was for Dean. Hell, it was foreign to him.
Saying nothing, Sam tilted his head in a gesture for Dean to continue.
Closing his eyes, Dean frowned. "I remember, wanting, needing it. It was so good. God I was so fucking hot, like I've never……" Dean opened his eyes suddenly, realizing he was getting carried away with the memory.
Despite himself, Sam gave his brother a huge grin. "Yeah, I get that." His eyes conveying empathy.
Dean swallowed hard. "Then." Dean looked away. "Somewhere in that haze, I woke up."
Sam took a deep breath. Here it was. Here was the thing that had been gnawing at his soul.
What Dean said now, would affect what he thought, and how he felt about his brother, forever.
"I was so turned on." Dean began, and Sam cringed inwardly.
"But, it wasn't that…. Not just that" Dean corrected himself.
Sam didn't interrupt, scared that Dean might not continue.
"What I was feeling…." Damn he had said that word again. "I just wanted…I just needed…." Feeling totally overwhelmed. Dean put his hands to his face.
"What Dean? What did you want?" Sam asked.
Dean's heart was beating so fast, he felt faint. He didn't want to keep going.
"To show you, I….I…."
"Please Dean. I need to know." Sam pushed.
"Damn it Sam, I wanted to show you how much I love you!" Dean just blurted out.
Dean's breathing hitched, and he looked at his brother for a reaction. "God Sam, it just felt so right at that moment and, and I……."
Sam's eyes went soft. Not just because of the tears starting to pool in them. They were full of understanding, and Dean felt confused.
"My God your amazing Sam, after what I've done. You don't hate me." Dean thought, realizing how blessed he was to have Sam.
"So…..I…It wasn't just….. just a…..?" Sam started but didn't finish.
"Oh my God" Clarity hit Dean like a loud bell ringing. "Is this what has been eating you up Sammy? You think that you were just a Fuck. That it didn't mean anything?"
"No!" Dean got out quickly. "It wasn't." His heart constricting, how could Sam ever think that. Sammy could never be 'just a' anything to Dean.
This had been the longest most grueling 'chick flick moment' Dean had ever endured. But what came out of Sam's mouth next, surpassed it all.
Head lowered, quietly, Sam said; "You made love to me."
Dean flinched. The enormity of that statement sunk in, and he realized it was the absolute truth. His decision to keep going was made with love, not lust.
Sam had all the conformation he needed, when he saw a single tear fall down Dean's cheek.
For the next few moments the boys remained silent. Dean was the first to speak.
"Guess we should get back then, huh?" He said, getting to his feet.
"Yeah" Sam agreed, and looked at Deans outstretched hand. Taking it, he let Dean help him up.
Dean started to walk away, but Sam grabbed him by the wrist. Tentively asking the question.
For once Dean didn't hesitate, or make a smart ass comment. He needed this to.
They embraced, and Sam nuzzled so that there was more skin contact. It felt good, it felt safe, and it felt pure.
There were no sexual overtones, no hidden agendas. Just two brothers who needed the comfort and reassurance of human contact.
They needed each other.
Suddenly they both heard a crackling from the tree above them. As if in slow motion both watched as a large tree branch ripped from the trunk, and flew towards them, making both the men duck.
"Shit Sammy. You gotta stop aiming that psychic stuff at me." Dean only half joked.
"Hey." Sam protested as they started to make there way back to the motel. "It nearly hit me too."
Stepping into rhythm with each other Sam said "But guess what? I opened the door."
Dean looked at him like he had lost his mind. "Yeah, well, good for you Sammy." He mocked, not understanding what his brother was getting at.
"No Dean, I mean I opened it with my mind. I looked at it, thought door and it opened."
Dean stopped mid step. "Really?" He asked.
"Really." Sam sounded proud.
Sam smiled, and Dean's heart warmed. It was the first real smile he had seen from his brother for so long.
Slapping Sam on the back, Dean said, "Good for you kiddo, told ya, you'll get the hang of it. But this putting thoughts in my head business, well….."
As they walked off in the distance, Sam looked at his brother and decided he couldn't resist making his brother squirm one last time.
With a very cheeky smile. "Just one other thing Dean?" He quipped.
Dean looked as Sam, and tensed a little. "Yeah what?"
"Am I really the best head job you've ever had?" Sam teased, his ego having been tweaked.
When Dean saw his brother's shit eating grin, he couldn't help but laugh. Really laugh.
Throwing his head back, Dean kept walking. "Oh my God. Kill me now!"
THE END.
A/N: Please let me know what you thought, it's only with your help, that I can get better at this. So…….. Review review review! Oh and did I mention, you could Review?