(Bella's marching up and down looking agitated)
(Buffy enters)
Buffy: Hey Bella
Bella: Hey Buffy (air kiss) so any Scooby news?
Buffy: Not really Dawn's been kidnapped. Same old same old.
Bella: Shouldn't you try and save her?
Buffy: I'm trying to make her independent so she can learn how to not be kidnapped. I read all about it in raising your bratty little sister for dummies.
(Bella not really paying attention)
Bella: (Suddenly blurts out) Edward's cheating on me.
(Buffy tries to act shocked. Bella's on the verge of tears)
Buffy: I can't believe it I mean you're so bland and he's so bland. I'm sure it's all a mistake.
Bella: No I'm sure he's cheating me. This mourning I woke up and my window wasn't open.
Buffy: That doesn't mean anything maybe he finally realised that watching his girlfriend sleep is pretty creepy.
Bella: It gets worse. I think he's cheating on me with Van.
(Buffy suppresses a laugh. Bella looks horrified)
Buffy: Van Helsing. Tall. Vampire hunter. Kinda moody.
Bella: Yeah do you know him
Buffy: Of course I know him we've been dating for like a month.
Bella: Really but I thought you were into vampires.
Buffy: Sometimes a girl needs a change of routine. Besides have you seen the size of his stake?
Bella: I wish I knew what Edward's stake was like.
Buffy: Still pushing the celibacy thing. (Bella cries loudly moaning about the fact that Edward doesn't love her) Don't worry. (Buffy comforts Bella) We'll go on a double date tonight at Dracula's deli. That way you'll be able to observe them together and see that nothing is going on.
Bella: Thanks Buffy. You're such a good friend
(Bella exits)
Buffy: Oh crap what am I going to do? If she finds out he's cheating with me. She'll... You know what I'm over reacting. Bella is a smart, mature and responsible girl and I'm sure she'll be able to handle a cheating boyfriend.
(Dawn enters)
Dawn: I wouldn't be so sure. We are talking about the girl who tried to kill herself when Edward tried to dump her last year.
Buffy: Well that's lame. Now do your homework otherwise you're grounded for a week.
Dawn: Buffy. I've just been kidnapped and I had to rescue myself. I'm going to need at least a week to deal with this emotional turmoil.
Buffy: Nice try Dawn You're going to school and that's final.
(Dawn exits muttering to herself)
Buffy: I'm a great guardian. Now Van.
(Buffy gets out her phone and calls Van)
Buffy: Hey Van.
Van: Hello who is this?
Buffy: It's Buffy your girlfriend.
Van; Oh ja ja. Schnitzel, Mercedes Benz, drei.
Buffy: Have you been smoking pot with Casper again?
Van: No Of course not. Sorry Casper I tread through your head.
Buffy: What's wrong with me? Why can't I find a normal guy who doesn't drink blood or isn't a member of a secret military operation or isn't a dope head.
Van: ja ja I don't know
(Rambles more German Words Buffy sighs)
Buffy: Look Van I don't have time for this just meet me at Dracula's deli at 7 ok.
Van: Ja ja auf wiedersehn.
(Buffy hangs up and exits)
(Bella enters clutching her phone)
Bella: I can do this. Buffy's right. Nothing's going on.
(Bella calls Edward)
Edward: Hello
Bella: (swooning) Edward
Edward: (sounds like he's in pain) Bella
Bella: Look I was wondering. Do you want to go on a double date with Buffy and Van? It's at Dracula's deli at 7.
Edward: Sure that sounds like fun. I thought Buffy was going out with Jacob
Bella: No Jacob would never go out with Buffy. Besides Jacob and I are soul mates. Our souls are bound together and it's his destiny to love me forever and ever.
Edward: But Bella I thought I was your soul mate
Bella: You are my love. You're like a super soul mate whereas Jacob is just a regular soul mate.
Edward: I don't think that makes sense.
Bella: Its love my darling. It doesn't have to make sense. Just remember that I love with you with my soul, my heart and all that I have
Edward: I love you so much that I can barely breathe.
Bella: Well that's pretty stupid. You're a vampire. You can't breathe.
Edward: Oh yeah I forgot. See you at seven.
Bella: Oh Edward I love you.
Edward: I love you to. When I'm not with you. It's like torture. I feel like I'm on fire and every inch of me feels the pain of a thousand burning pokers and my heart is ripped out of my chest and thrown to the dogs. Bye then.
Bella: Bye (Bella hangs up) it normally takes us at least an hour for him to express his love for me. Something must be wrong. Oh if Edward is cheating on me. I am nothing without him. I mean I have no friends. I treat my Dad like crap. I'm basically a sociopathic monster who will put my family and anyone else I come into contact with into incredible danger to fulfil my own selfish desires. I'd better get ready. Oh I do hope Buffy's right
(There's a table with four chairs. Buffy and Van are sitting down)
Buffy: I find I like to jump on top of them get my stake out then bang. What do you like to do?
Van: Well I prefer to take them out to dinner then some Wagner and then the banging.
Buffy: It must be a German thing.
(Edward and Bella enter and sit down.)
Buffy: Hi there you two are a bit late.
Edward: Well it was really sunny today and it's hard to drive when you're sparkling. But I must endure this curse. It is only right that I should suffer.
Van: Wow vampires in this country are what the word is
Bella: Dreamy. Sexy. Handsome
Van: Pussies. Vampires are pussy in this country.
(Bella gives Van evils whilst Van is completely oblivious. Waiter enters)
Waiter: Can I take your order?
Buffy: Yes I'll have a big garlic steak.
(Bella and Edward look at Buffy completely horrified)
Buffy: On second thoughts maybe just a salad.
Van I'll have a Gambolputty de von Ausfern- schplenden- schlitter- crasscrenbon- fried- digger- dingle- dangle- dongle- dungle- burstein- von- knacker- thrasher- apple- banger- horowitz- ticolensic- grander- knotty- spelltinkle- grandlich- grumblemeyer- spelterwasser- kurstlich- himbleeisen- bahnwagen- gutenabend- bitte- ein- nürnburger- bratwustle- gerspurten- mitz- weimache- luber- hundsfut- gumberaber- shönedanker- kalbsfleisch- mittler- aucher please.
Waiter: I'm sorry can you repeat that.
(Van is about to start again)
Buffy: He'll have a salad too
Edward: I'm not sure what to have.
Waiter: We have a great O- special.
Edward: I'm a vegetarian vampire. (Looks through menu) I guess I'll just have some cat blood.
Bella: I'll have the same.
(Van and Buffy look bored throughout this conversation. Buffy mouthing that they do this all the time.)
Edward: Bella you're not a vampire.
Bella: I know but I want to be a vampire and be with you forever.
Edward: I love you too much to take away your soul
Bella: My soul is yours anyway.
Edward: If I had a soul it would be yours you know that but I'm a monster.
Bella: You're not a monster. You're my boyfriend.
(Buffy eventually snaps and interrupts them)
Buffy: Bella will have a salad to.
Waiter: Three salads and some cat's blood.
Van: Ja that's it. (Waiter leaves)
(Waiter comes back with food.)
Edward: Wow the service here is really good. Can you pass the salt please?
Van: Sure here you go
(The moment their hands touch)
Bella: I knew it. I knew you were having an affair.
Edward: How did you know about me and Buffy?
(Bella looks shocked)
Buffy: Edward you idiot. The whole point of this date was to prove to Bella that you weren't cheating on her and you go and reveal our affair. The moment she brings up cheating. What kind of cheating boyfriend are you?
(Edward looks ashamed. Bella turns to Buffy.)
Bella: Why Buffy. Why would you want to ruin one of the greatest love stories of all times?
(Buffy stands up)
Bella: Look let's get one thing straight. You and Edward have no chemistry together and the only reason you're with him is because you don't want to get wrinkly.
(Bella looks appalled)
Buffy: Before you and Edward appeared on the scene. I was queen of vampire popular culture. I was sassy. I was courageous. I was a role model for girls everywhere. But then you came along and people weren't interested in strong assertive women that fought vampires, werewolves, demons, ghosts and any of the other things that tried to cause an apocalypse. No they wanted a boring girl with no personality and no distinguishable trait except falling in love at the first sight of any fang. I have no idea how you've managed to sell more than a 100 million books. That's why I dated Edward I thought if I went out with him then I could become queen of vampire popular culture again. I will teach young girls the values of friendship, the value of sticking up for yourself and the value of disrespecting all authority figures.
(Buffy waits)
Buffy: Van
Van: Yeah go female empowerment yippee.
Edward: Where did Bella go?
Van: Oh she died because you broke her heart she decided life wasn't worth living anymore and drowned herself in your cat blood.
Edward: . Bella I love you so much. I cannot live without you. I will go to Italy and get the volturi to kill me so I will be with my lovely Bella again
Buffy: Oh please I'll save you the trouble.
(Buffy stakes Edward through the heart and he falls over dead)
Buffy: Well it isn't the worst date I've ever been on.
Van: I agree. Do you want to come back to my place? For some German sausage.
(Buffy looks at her stake)
Buffy: What do you think Mr. pointy is it worth it?