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déjà vu
/ ˈvuː,French deʒa vy/
noun
a feeling of having already experienced the present situation. The expression is derived from the French, meaning "already seen." When it occurs, it seems to spark our memory of a place we have already been, a person we have already seen, or an act we have already done.
" feeling of déjà vu"
———
She had lost her right to sleep with Shepherd, since she wasn't one of those anymore.
Addison needs to get out. The slight movement she does, makes her realize she's trapped against him in that tiny bed, in that tiny trailer. A warm hand rests on her back, the other one wraps her to keep her close and rest her face on his chest. His warm chest.
His breathing is calm, which makes her feel cozy. This feels like reminiscing. She needs to get out. She figures a way to move her abdomen backwards, his hand drops from her side. Slowly she gets out of bed, the hand that was wrapping her drops too, and he makes a slight movement.
She finds her clothes and starts dressing up trying not to fall or make any noise that would wake him up.
She's about to perform her walk of shame out of his trailer, when she realizes it's been raining, there's mud and her heels will spoil, worst of all, she couldn't find her phone to call a cab.
"Where are you going?" A sleepy voice comes from the bed.
"Hey..." she drops her purse on the kitchen table and looks back to naked Derek Shepherd.
She didn't want to stay in bed until he would wake up, because that would be awkward. Maybe he would ask how she slept last night and she would reply with a short sentence and a long uncomfortable silence.
He sits on bed and runs a hand through that smooth hair, "You're leaving?" His sleepy voice asks.
She nods. "Yeah... um, yesterday. I mean, last night was a mistake." She puts her coat on and keeps looking around for her phone.
"Addison, you don't have to leave, you're gonna get wet." He notices the rain, for sure. The sound of the rain drops sound against the trailer's roof.
"My shift starts in two hours, can you call me a cab?"
He stands up and puts his boxers on., "Sure." He walks into the kitchen. She hopes she won't melt into his ocean eyes.
"I thought this was going to be awkward." She says, inhaling sharply. She shakes her head and sits on the small couch.
He takes out the coffee beans. The same ones Addison had bought for him before the divorce. "Want some coffee?" He asks nicely.
Addison observed him, every movement, every inch of him. She doesn't deny last night, she wishes she would. He obviously regrets it, having sex with her last night. Wrapping his arms around her and kissing her at first.
She sighs. "What are we gonna do about this? Act like we didn't do anything? We're not married anymore." She joins her hair into a ponytail.
"Chill, we had a one night stand. It's nothing new for either of us." He fills a cup with black coffee and walks towards Addison. The redhead looks into his eyes and she feels how her heart melts slowly.
She takes the cup and nods. "We slept together, Derek."
He nods.
•••
14 hours ago...
Addison takes Derek by the arm gently as they enter to Joe's together after a long shift. "Look at us, we're a mature divorced couple." She laughs to herself internally.
He giggles out loud and allows the neonatal surgeon to interlock arms with her. "Not a couple anymore though." He clarifies the already known.
They were being polite, mature as she said, they were going out together as a civilized couple of old friends.
"Aw, you're cranky. Let's get you cheered up." They walk together towards the bar, Joe smiles at both surgeons from far away.
"By getting me drunk?" Derek laughs, taking a sit.
Addison shakes her head and checks the hour on her watch. It wasn't that late. "What? No. We're just drinking as friends." She adds a friendly smile. "Friends do that. They go out and have a drink." She explains the intention of dragging the black haired man inside of the bar.
"What's the rush with being friends anyway?" He asks, raising his hand a little at Joe.
"You broke up with the silly intern, Preston is gone, Mark is screwing nurses and avoiding me. We owe each other some support." She says sitting properly on her chair. Leaving her purse on the table.
"Okay maybe." He nods, still waiting for Joe to come back and start preparing their drinks. The talk with Addison was awkward, she was mostly rambling around. Too much effort coming from her.
"Plus, this redhead needs a drink." She says, moving some hairs away from her face.
"Oh God, Los Ángeles infected you somehow. Did you just called yourself as 'this redhead'?!" He laughs.
She tilts her head and rolls her eyes. "Derek, don't bother a woman who needs alcohol."
Joe finally gets around and takes their orders. As always, Addison ordered a martini. Derek ordered his classic Malta scotch. It was weird to go out with Addison after all that has happened, he wanted to take it easy, but it felt weird. Odd.
Sometimes he wondered why he decided to throw their marriage through the window; they could have worked everything up. And he wouldn't have lost that much time with a young intern who didn't seem to be as wise as people always thought she was.
Addison doesn't know what to think about the whole mess that leaded them to their divorce. She never imagined herself to end up being in the position of te cheater, not after her family drama with her dad. It wasn't meant to be. She didn't want to be like that. Addison must admit she was surprised too when she slept with Sloan, it wasn't a wise decision, at all.
She could regret that her whole life, but the hope that things would some day fix and "patch up" was gone for good. Now she wasn't hurting, but still felt incomplete. Like there was something else they could have done. Something she could have done to not let everything fall down.
"I'm not dating young women anymore." Derek says after his second glass of scotch.
She takes a sip of her martini and looks straight at him with a curios expression. "You aren't?" She giggles a little.
"No. Too young. It's like sending a five year old kid to a supermarket. Useless."
"Odd comparison, but okay." Addison laughs and takes another sip of her drink. She looks to her left, where her purse was. She needed her phone to check if Naomi was still sending texts trying to convince her on joining the practice.
About to do that her eyes stop at the image of a young couple. A brown haired woman that must have been on her twenties and the man next to her that had black hair, a little more darker than Derek's.
"Hey, look at that." Addison tells Derek.
He takes another sip of his drink and looks the way Addison is ordering him; "I bet they are just married."
"I've got an idea." She says, taking her purse and adding some extra lipstick to her lips.
Derek shakes his head. He knows this woman too well to just assume what's gonna happen next. "Addison, please don't tell me you're gonna make me go over there." He complains.
Addison puts her lipstick back on her bag, "It will be fun! Like role playing." She winks an eye at him.
He rolls his eyes, "What are you saying?"
"Choose a name." She asks, starting to unbutton his shirt a little.
He looks down to the redhead woman who just unbuttoned two of his shirt buttons and is now unbuttoning her own. "I should tell Joe to stop giving you alcohol."
"Pick a name, come on." She asks again.
He takes another sip of his scotch and ends up doing whatever she wants to do. "Female or Male?"
"Doesn't matter." She says.
"Vanessa."
"Alright, I'm going to be Vanessa and you will be Tyler." She starts standing up from her chair.
He giggles and then rolls his eyes playfully, "Why do I have the name of a high school popular boy?"
"Shut up, just come here. It will be fun." She grabs his hands and makes him walk away with her towards the young couple she had spotted before.
Addison doesn't let go of his hand until they are face to face with that couple.
Addison squeezes his hand gently, he doesn't know why and he doesn't think he'll ever ask why. "Hey, I'm sorry, we saw you guys here and we thought; wow, they look so happy." She says at first.
"Haha, thanks." The young man nods.
Addison nods, "Happily married?"
"Yes! Actually yes. Seven months now." The young girl says, nodding her head.
Derek plays along immediately, "I have never ever seen you two around here." That way he gets another gentle squeeze from his ex wife.
The young woman shakes her head, but keeps that shiny smile on, "Oh, we aren't from here. We're from Florida." She informs them.
"And You choose a place like Seattle to visit?!" Addison asks surprised, as her liking could never have been Seattle when it came to visiting new places.
"My brother lives here, that's why." The young man replies, offering an awkward smile to the redhead.
"Oh, I see." She nods, smiling to both. "Well, this is Tyler, my husband." She looks at Derek.
"Hi!" The young woman offers her hand so Derek could stretch it, and so he does.
"Nice meeting you." Derek keeps on playing along, and then stretches hands with the young guy.
"I'm Lidia." The woman says, enchanted after meeting such nice people in a bar.
"You have a nice name Lidia, I'm Vanessa." Addison doesn't loose her character. She could be horrible at faking stuff, but these two people didn't know that because they never saw them before in their whole existence.
"Yours is very nice too." Lidia says.
The young man smiles at Addison and Derek, well, in this case, Tyler and Vanessa. "Oh, I haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Jessie."
Addison stopped on holding Derek's hand, "Oh my- We called our first kid Jessie."
"You have kids!?" Lidia asks, surprised, they both seemed still young for the strangers.
"Two, little Emily and our Jessie." Derek replies.
"Do you mind if we... sit with you guys?" Lidia asks with an awkward smile.
After a couple of drinks together and a fluent conversation, they seem old friends talking in a bar. The only problem comes to their performance is when Lidia asks nicely, "where are your rings? You said you were married."
After that question Addison had panicked a little, but she was easily saved by Derek; who immediately replied: "We aren't wearing them right now. We just came out of a long surgery."
Jessie asks, taking a sip of his beer, "You guys are doctors?!"
"Surgeons, but yes, they call us that too." Tyler replies, smiling.
Lidia nods in understanding, "Doctor Vanessa Lifton and Doctor Tyler Lifton. Wow, I'm so sure you guys love your job." She giggles a little and takes another sip of her margarita.
"We do!" Vanessa says.
Jessie seems to be having fun, "What are your specialities?"
"Wait, no, lemme guess." Lidia asks and gives te 'married' couple a look. "You're from... you have a face that you like kids. Pediatrics, right?" Lidia asks Vanessa. The redhead takes a couple of seconds thinking about her answer. This was fun, and exciting.
"You caught me. How did you know?!" Addison laughs a little.
After the two strangers they met in the bar left, they were Addison and Derek again. No more Tyler and Vanessa.
Derek laughs, "I must admit that was quite fun, Vanessa." They both laugh at that, looking into each other's ocean eyes.
"I told you it would be, Tyler." She moves her head a little to the side, still smiling at the man that she once called her husband and now just called him like that for an hour and a half.
He takes the last sip of his drink and looks into her eyes again, "For real, I had fun, thanks Addie." He thanks her, he thanks the woman he fell in love with thousands of times during eleven years, almost twelve.
"My pleasure!" She giggles.
After a couple of minutes of looking at each other, both sinking in the liquor they had drunken already, it felt right for her to lean closer. This was her ex, but for her, he was still occupying a very special and important part inside of her heart. It felt mean to be to brush her lips slightly against his.
He didn't pull out anytime soon, he just kissed her back, gently. The lights of the bar were low, their kiss wasn't important to anyone inside of there, they were in a private space for just a second. But reality hits her after a couple of minutes, when his hand arrives on her cheek.
"I had more drinks than you." She says, taking a deep breath after their lips break apart.
"I'll drive then." He says, helping her down from her chair.
They both walked outside and got inside of Derek's car.
•••
His touch feels familiar. His hands going up and down her sides, his lips kissing hers, his body and hers fit perfectly as always. It feels okay. It feels right. Even if the alcohol is the one speaking, he feels the necessity of her body; the feeling is mutual.
She never liked that trailer, she hated it; but it had it's good qualities. The fact that it was in the middle of the nowhere was one, she could be as loud as she wanted and she could even walk naked around and no one would ever see her. Maybe a couple of birds.
Addison missed being with Derek, after a long time of being Addison and Derek, she couldn't just cut the connection in a couple of days. It was painful.
It felt good to have him back, even if it wasn't in the best scenario or time.
•••
Present...
"Weren't you dating Grey?" Torres asks approaching Derek, who's walking through the corridors, on his way to check his patient's CTs.
He shakes his head, "Not anymore."
"Why is that?" The orthopedic surgeon asks. Callie Torres never was that friendly to Derek, they barely knew each other, but as far as he knew about her, Addison had found a friend in her.
He laughs sarcastically, "Everyone knows about it, don't they?" He was talking about the end of his relationship with Grey after the failed wedding.
"Rumor says you're back with Montgomery." Callie keeps walking next to him.
"Why?" He stops walking and looks curious at the brunette woman, "Did she mention anything?!" He's concerned Addison's tongue could have said something too extra.
He was also concerned if he was ever going to do stuff with her and her tongue too, but he didn't know what to think about this, not yet.
"No, she didn't. At least not yet. Are you hiding something?" The orthopedic surgeon stays in front of McDreamy and tries to find some answer from the confused look on his eyes.
"I don't gossip." He shrugs.
"I do." She smiles and nods. "Rumor has it you drove her over here."
He rolls his eyes and keeps on walking now, "She needed a ride." That's the succint explanation he will tell people from now on.
"She has a car." Callie says.
"She lost her phone and I could pick her up."
"The car is still there." Callie says, fighting his excuses easily.
He nods, "She asked for a ride, I acted polite and picked her up." He says with that charming and sweet voice.
Callie kept on insisting, trying to reach some point apparently. "If she lost her phone how did she asked for a ride?"
"The hotel phone." He was good at lying!
Callie nods and stops this game, "Right... anyway, if you see her please ask her to come to exam room nine, I paged her like three times." She asks nicely.
"Will do." The neurosurgeon says, giving her an assuring nod.
•••
Hours passed and Derek couldn't find the stunning redhead anywhere. He paged her, twice. He couldn't call her to her mobile.
Addison was confused about all that happened last night and how Derek acted so naturally after it, like nothing happened, like it wasn't something that important.
When it certainly was important for him.
This meant a lot.
He felt like a part of him was lost for a long time, and that piece of the puzzle has been finally found and came back to the right place. Derek knows last night was reckless and inappropriate, probably not romantic at all. But he recuperated something he lost and missed.
Maybe... perhaps...
Just perhaps his heart realized how stupid it was to leave Addison behind and try to 'move on' when actually he was doing the worst.
Perhaps...
He was in love with her.
He never stopped loving her, the revenge and anger had made him blind for a long time. Until hours ago when they reunited again and he found what he was looking for.
Her.
He was looking for her.
Derek spots the redhead on a nurse station, she turns around, her expression shows instant panick. The neonatal surgeon grabs the chart she was holding with a most firm manner and walked away as quick as she could.
He followed behind her, that red hairs moving from the velocity she was acquiring meanwhile she was literally jogging on heels in the middle of a hospital corridor.
He catches her waist and makes her to stop from going any further from there.
"Doctor Montgomery, may I speak with you?" Derek offers a cheeky smile; she instantly felt awkward.
She shakes her head, taking her glasses off. "Derek, it's not the right time." she leaves her glasses hanging on the neckline of her blouse.
"Stop avoiding me." He says, resting his hands on the pockets of his lab coat. Eyes on her eyes.
She sighs, "What so you expect me to do?"
"To talk to me." He suggests. "By the way, I don't know how but you're fast. Even when you wear high heels. You're fast and you don't have any kind of injury?" He chuckles a little.
"Derek, we can't do this. People are staring." She looks to both ways, some nurses seemed hawks.
He looks around, too, now knowing what she was referring to. "They can gossip all that they want."
"We can talk but please just, not now." She begs, and starts walking again.
He follows next to her, walking as fast as she was. "If for you it was that bad, it's okay, I'm just disappointed you found it as something that didn't mean anything."
"I didn't say that!" She stops from walking, meeting his teasing look. He's trying to conquer her.
He smiles innocently, "You're acting like you did."
"I don't feel like talking right now, just, find my phone and leave it in the lobby of my hotel. Alright? I need time to think." She says, now walking away again, decided to end the conversation.
He tries to stop her. "Addie..." She takes a few steps closer to him and gets serious.
"Please, don't call me that. I'm Doctor Montgomery for everyone, specially you." She says, now leaving him in there alone.
She walks away the fastest she can, she doesn't want to call the attention, she doesn't want to be stared at, but her mission doesn't work that good anyway. Getting away from him is the best she can do.
Addison denies to herself that she feels something for him again. Even if she does, she's trying to hide it, to burry it.
Her mind repeats and repeats the events from last night, like a DVD that won't stop playing. Not even on her sleep.
Why getting attached?
Everytime she ever got attached she lost something. Someone.
•••
He enters the trailer after a long day. His goal is finding Addison's phone as soon as possible. He cleans the trailer first, hoping he could find the blackberry.
Addison's ringtone fills the room. Under the bed, for sure. He takes the cell phone out of there and answers the call.
Derek answers the unknown number, "Hello?"
"Addison? Wait, who's this?" A male voice talks through the phone, at least he's not Mark. Or Archer.
If someone was calling Addison, that someone probably knew Derek or who he was, "It's Derek." Even if Addison could have met someone back in LA or during the time they were broken apart, but he didn't want that to happen. He didn't want some other guy trying to steal her from Shepherd like some kind of trophy.
The man on the phone does a sarcastic short laugh and breathes deeply, "You're kidding?"
"Um, I'm pretty sure of who I am." Derek chuckles a little, "Who's this?"
"She doesn't have me on her contacts? For real? Ugh." The male voice sounds mad or angry, maybe disappointed. Derek can't really tell, the thought of Addison falling in love or hooking up with someone besides him, makes him feel quite insecure.
Derek doesn't know what to respond, so he goes with the same question in different words; "Umm, can you tell me who you are?"
"It's Donovan."
"Donovan?" Eric Donovan totally had a crush on Addison since the first day he met her. He was Nancy's husband brother. Woah, I haven't heard of you..."
"In a year and some months." The man finishes te sentence for him.
"Yeah." Derek nods, knowing Eric might be on his New York penthouse drinking a mimosa and doing his weird angry rich guy face. Derek never liked him.
"I was calling to know how is she doing." Eric shows his concern. "She told Nancy she would consider on moving back to the big apple."
Big surprise for Derek. He's totally jealous about another man calling his ex wife... He never thought Addison could come back there, of course she loved the city, fashion, the weather and her family and his family were there. But the neurosurgeon never thought she would ever come back to a place where all of their sad and happy moments were built.
"Really? She never mentioned anything." Derek feels odd about the subject.
"Well, you two aren't together anymore. Aren't you?" Eric asks.
Derek shakes his head. "No, it's over." He wishes e hadn't said that.
"Nice." Eric says.
"Do you want me to leave a message?"
"Just please tell her to call me back."
"Okay, I will do that. Bye Eric." Derek ends the call and checks the hour. Addison was probably already inside of her hotel room. Perhaps getting drunk, watching a sad movie, or just sleeping.
He wanted to see her. Talk to her. Maybe confront her about Donovan. Try to flirt a little. Find a way to get her back into his arms and not let her go this time.
Derek knew Addison had chosen to end things with him. She didn't want to keep getting hurt when all she was trying to do is making things right, at least giving them a chance. His choice on cheating on her wasn't the wisest thing he has ever done, he wasn't proud either. He could blame the crappy alcohol there was at prom and the revenge and awkwardness.
Addison Montgomery... God, she was all he ever wanted. She was all he ever had. She was all he ever lost.
He lost her.
But, just maybe...
Maybe not forever.
•••
This was the first chapter! Okay, I really don't know how but I'll try to keep on writing this story and my other story "No Goodbyes". !!
Review and let me know if I should continue this.
:)