Gundam Street Gundam Street: A Quality Children's Program from your friends at CTW ....
Chorus of Children: (singing) Sunny day, sweepin' the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet, car, ya 'tell me how to get, how to get to Gundam Street how to get to Gundam Streeeeeet?
(A Leo suit comes outta nowhere and blasts the children into little tiny bits.)
OZ Soldier: Shut the hell up! I'm trying to sleep here. Geez.... (Leo walks away).
(The camera pans below the treeline to a lively, colorful city street. Sparrows are chirping, the sun is
shining, and a giant helmet-wearing bird is seen walking down the street with a young child.)
Zechs Bird: Hi there, and welcome to Gundam Street! We're going to learn a lot of great things today, boys
and girls! But first, let me introduce my new friend Timmy. Say hi, Timmy!
Timmy: Hi Zechs Bir--Wait a minute... you told me I'd be on Pokemon!
Zechs Bird: But Timmy, don't you want to meet all my friends here on Gundam Street?
Timmy: No, I wanna catch Pikachu!
Zechs Bird: (under his breath) Just play along for an hour, and I'll hook you up with all the anime stars
you want. Ranma, Sasami, Bulma, Lain, you name it. Deal?
Timmy: Sweet!! Ok, Hi, Zechs Bird! I'm ready for a fun-filled, educational day!
Zechs Bird: That's the spirit! Let's see who's hanging out at Mr. Hooper's Store!
(The two of them skip happily down the road. They stop in front of Mr. Hooper's Store, now owned by Otto.)
Zechs Bird: Hi, Otto!
Otto: Hi, Zechs Bird! What can I do for ya?
Zechs Bird: Well, Otto, do ya have any back issues of 'Seedy Hotel Love Stories'?
Otto: Sure do, Zechs Bird!
(Otto shoves a stack of adult magazines towards Zechs Bird)
Zechs Bird: What the...?
Otto: But you said you wanted ......
Zechs Bird: It was a JOKE, baka! Bird seed get it?
Otto: Oh, I get it now ....pretty funny!
Timmy: (looking at Playboy) Hey, maybe this show IS better than Pokemon ......
Zechs Bird: (Grabs the magazine from Timmy and gives it back to Otto) Of course it is, Timmy.
Now lets find some more...uh appropriate friends.
(Duo walks up to Mr. Hooper's Store)
Duo: (desperately) Hey, Otto, do you have the new issue of 'Female Gundam Pilots: Undressed'?
Otto: (sweatdrops) There aren't any female Gundam pilots. What are you talking about?
Duo: Oh yeah. Then how about 'Female Gundam Wing Characters that Aren't Whiny or Annoying: Undressed'?
Otto: (sighs) There aren't any Female Gu... you just don't get it, do you?
(Zechs Bird and Timmy walk further down the street, stopping in front of a trash can.)
Zechs Bird: (Knocking on the can) Are you in there, Heero-san?
Heero: (from inside the can) Go away!
Zechs Bird: Oh, come on, I have someone who wants to visit you!
Heero: I said, go away!
Zechs Bird: Alright then, you asked for it. (singing) Say my name, say my name, you're actin' kinda shady,
ain't callin' me baby, why the sudden change .....
Heero: Nooooo, anything but that! (Heero pops out of the trashcan, face painted green)
Zechs Bird: Timmy, meet Heero the Grouch!
Timmy: Hi, Heero the Grouch! Why are you so grouchy?
Heero: Because I've failed to commit suicide several dozen tunes and I'm surrounded by blabbering idiots all
day. Plus I had to put on this stupid face paint to get Wing Zero (and some rather revealing pictures)
back from Noin.
Noin: (randomly popping up from behind a staircase) Just some innocent blackmail for the children of America!
(she pops back)
Heero: I swear I am going to kill her and now for my lesson of the day.
Zechs Bird: Oh boy, Heero, what'll it be today?
Heero: How to slit your wrists!!!!!
Timmy: Yay!
Zechs Bird: Heero, I thought you were going to teach us about the letter X .....
Heero: Well, there was a change of plans! (Heero holds up a large steak knife) Now, Timmy, you take a knife, you hold it above your wrist like this, and you pull it across in one swift motion, like this...(Winces and slices at his wrist.) What the hell, I'm not bleeding or dying or something????
Zechs Bird: It's rubber. No more shop objects on the set, Heero-san. Because you tried to teach us about slitting your throat last time, remember? The producers weren't happy.
Heero: Dammit. No one understands me. (He sinks back into the trashcan. The top slams shut)
Timmy: Bye, Heero the Grouch!
(Zechs Bird and Timmy walk farther down the street, to a large mansion)
Zechs Bird: Let's go say hello to Treize and Une!
Timmy: Okay!
(They wander around the mansion, lost, for twenty minutes, until they hear singing coming from inside a room.
They open the door and walk in to find Treize in his famous bubble bath.)
Zechs Bird: Hi, Treize!
Treize: Hi, Zechs Bird! I have a song for you today!
Zechs Bird: Great, Treize. Take it away!
Treize: (singing to the tune of 'Rubber Duckie', obviously) Rubber duckie, you make me laugh, squeakin' in
my rose scented bath. (squeak squeak) You make me happy, you're my very best friend, it's true!
Une: (rising up from beneath the bubbles, singing the same tune): Mr. Treize, did you forget about me?
I'll entertain you more than the duckie. Mr. Treize, my pet, let me make love to yoooou ......
Zechs Bird: This is children's television you two!
(But it's too late. They kiss passionately, and then Une slips under the water to do God-knowswhat.
Treize tips his head back and moans.)
Zechs Bird: Come on Timmy, let's go talk to someone else!
Timmy: But Zechs Bird, I wanted to see ....
Zechs Bird: No.
(They get lost in the mansion for an additional half hour, before emerging back on Gundam Street)
Zechs Bird: Oh, thank God. Now Timmy, are you ready for today's Japanese Lesson?
Timmy: Sure, Zechs Bird!
Zechs Bird: Good.
(Dorothy and Relena are arguing.)
Dorothy: Heero's mine, bitch!
Relena: No, he's mine, you pointy-eyebrowed freak!
Dorothy: Alright, Ms. Peace-and-love-and-happiness, you asked for it!
(They claw at each other, making angry cat noises.)
Zechs Bird: Timmy, can you say 'gekkeimae kincho'?
Timmy: Gekkeimae kincho!
Zechs Bird: And what does that mean?
Timmy: PMS! (Author's Note: AL least, I think that's what it means. My Japanese dictionary is kind of weird.)
Zechs Bird: Very good! You are getting great at Japanese!
Timmy: Arigatou, Zechs Tori-kun!
Zechs Bird: We're starting to run out of time, Timmy. But we still have one more lesson from Quatre and Trowa.
Hello, you two!
Quatre and Trowa: Hi Zechs Bird!
(They come down the street, walking hand in hand.)
Timmy: I wanna go back to Treize and Une...
Zechs Bird: Hush, Timmy. Now, Quatre and Trowa are going to demonstrate 'yaoi' for us.
Quatre and Trowa: We sure are! (They giggle and look at each other.)
(Trowa leans over, trying to kiss Quatre)
Quatre: Ow! Dammit Trowa, you poked out my freakin' eye!
(Trowa's hair is stuck halfway into Quatre's right eye)
Trowa: Oops, sorry. (He pulls his hair back out of his eye. Blood streams down Quatre's face.)
Let's try that again.
Quatre: No Trowa, we can't. I don't want to. I'm sick and tired of getting my eyes poked out or my nose cut
off every time I try to show you how much I love you!
Zechs Bird: Um...where are you going with this, Quatre?
Quatre: I don't love you any more, Trowa. I'm in love with .....SANDROCK!
Zechs Bird: You're in love with your Gundam?
Timmy: That's sick!
Quatre: You think I always call him 'My dear Sandrock' because we're just friends? We're lovers, Sandrock and I!
Timmy: You mean you've .....
Quatre: He's better than you, Trowa!
Trowa: (cries uncontrollably) How could you ....I tried so hard .....
Quatre: I'm going to go find Sandrock right now, so you don't do something horrible to him! (runs down the street)
(Just then, Wufei runs up, panicked)
Wufei: Has anyone seen Nataku? It's injustice! Injustice I tell you! Probably stolen by stupid !@#$% woman ....
Timmy: Hey, Justice-Boy, has anyone ever told you you look like Trinity from 'The Matrix'?
(Author's Note: Well, I think so. Noin looks like Trinity too, depending on Trinity's hair.)
Wufei: (enraged, eye twitching) Did you just say I look like a WOMAN?!?!?
Tinmry: Yeah. You have the right hair, the right eyes, the right build .....
Wufei: Injustice! I can't live anymore! I've been dishonored! (Pulls out a long sword and rams it
through his stomach) I'm sorry Nataku, I am weak....(dies)
Zechs Bird: (sighs) I thought I said no sharp objects on the set. CTW's gonna have my head for this ....
(Quatre runs back, extremely panicked.)
Quatre: Sandrock is gone! My poor, poor darling .....
(Heero runs up)
Heero: Wing Zero's gone too!
Trowa: All of our Gundams are gone!
Zechs Bird: Luckily, I don't have a Gundam....hehe....I pilot Tallgeese!
Timmy: Are you sure it isn't spelled 'Talgis'? I think it's Latin. I heard it in the Final Fantasy VIII
opening theme somewhere.
Squall (from Final Fantasy VIII): You're right, Timmy. Hi Ms. Fanfic Authoress!
Me: Tee-hee, hi Squall!
Squall: We still on for tonight?
Me: You bet! I'll bring the whipped cream!
Squall: See you then! (he disappears)
Zechs Bird: (sweatdrops) That was the strangest thing I've seen all day. But now back to the story: All
the Gundams are missing!
(The entire Gundam Wing cast gathers around Zechs Bird and Timmy.)
Whole Gundam Wing Cast: It's not just the Gundams that are gone! All the mobile suits are missing: The Leos,
the Virgos, Epyon, Tallgeese, etc. etc...Everything!
Zechs Bird: This can't be good .....
(Suddenly, many loud, echoing footsteps are heard.)
Timmy: Aw crap (since that's the worst word they can say on Gundam Wing. But Ryoko from Tenchi Muyo! got away
with saying 'damn'... something to think about ....)
(The shadows of every single mobile suit in the history of the world fall upon the poor, poor Gundam Wing cast)
Zechs Bird: Oh my god .... the Sesame Street muppets are piloting our mobile suits?!?!?!
Grover: (from inside Tallgeese) That's right! You took our show, you miserable cheating ....um... meanies!
And I would still be the most popular Sesame Street character if that furry red laughing $%^&*!@ wasn't around ......
Elmo: (from inside Wing Zero) Elmo want to destroy you! Ah hee hee hee! Gundam tell me my future!
Elmo is victorious!
Heero: Elmo on the ZERO system .... now that's scary!
The Muppets Who Were Popular in the 80's but Get No Respect Nowadays: (from inside their various Leos and Virgos)
We were the greatest! Children loved us! And now we play second fiddle to those new characters, like Zoe and
that freaky blue Spanish girl! We will take our anger out on you!
Big Bird: (from inside Nataku) Heheh .... you're all so weak. Only I deserve to pilot Nataku!
Zechs Bird: Big Bird is acting like Wufei? I don't understand... the story is rapidly falling apart .....
Ernie and Bert: (both inside Epyon) And now let's learn about the letter D, as in 'Die, suckers!!!!!!'
(The mobile suits all fire their various weapons at the street and Gundam Wing cast. There are explosions
everywhere, buildings on fire, and the Street set is quickly being destroyed.)
Zechs Bird: (running with Timmy, away from Beam Cannon firing) That's it for today's episode of Gundam Street!
Stay tuned for 'The Big Comfy Gundam', about the wacky adventures of a clown named Trowa, and his doll Lil' Quatre! Toodle-oo!
(The ending music begins to play. The camera pans upward to reveal the carnage, fires, and rampaging mobile suits.)
The End!
Well, there you have it, my first attempt at fanfiction! Please read and review (no flames)!
All characters, songs, etc. belong to their respective companies. I don't have any preferences
about the GW characters, it's just humor!
