But who prays for Satan?
Who in eighteen centuries,
has had the common humanity
to pray for the one sinner that
needed it most…
-Mark Twain
At first it wasn't so bad as Sam feared it would be. Instead of fire and brimstone, bloodshed and breaking bones, meat hooks and chains, there was an office. A large mahogany desk and leather-padded chair on wheels, shelves filled with books, a tall potted snake plant sitting in the corner, and even an attractive receptionist who smiled every time she opened the door for Sam.
Sam got to sit behind the desk, turn the chair around and stare out the window, which changed its scenery every once in a while- from a view of Mount Everest, to the lush Amazon jungle, to the misty Niagara Falls- while he waited for Lucifer and Michael to show up. There was even a mug of coffee, made just the way he liked it- two creams, two sugars- that automatically refilled once he was finished drinking.
And all he had to do was listen to the two archangels.
Easy right? That's what Sam thought, for the first hundred years.
Then it started to get really tedious.
W
Sam rested his elbows on the desk, chin propped up by the heels of his hands, eyes following the two end balls of the Newton's cradle swing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth as Lucifer spoke.
"Father wouldn't let me make any animals," Lucifer whined, "He wouldn't even let me make any suggestions."
"Because all your suggestions were stupid," Michael sneered, "Or dangerous."
"Oh, there you go again," Lucifer sniped, "Like you could do any better than I could."
"Father liked my sharks, and crocodiles and the idea I had to make some spiders venomous," Michael retorted smugly.
Lucifer just shook his head, "I don't know why. All they do is kill or main humans."
"Oh yeah, and what would you have made, huh?" Michael asked, "Tell me!"
Lucifer looked down, "I don't know. Maybe something cute. Human's like cute things."
Michael laughed out loud.
"Sure, the great and powerful Lucifer invents bunny rabbits!" Michael crowed.
"That was Ithuriel," Lucifer muttered, pouting, "You know she and Zephron made all those animals humans love to cuddle."
Michael shrugged. He knew; he just liked picking on his brother.
"You know, Father even let Gabriel make an animal," Michael teased.
"Yeah," Lucifer agreed, "A platypus."
Both he and Michael shuddered.
"Why Father didn't scrap that idea right away, I'll never know," Michael for once agreed with Lucifer.
"Sam?" Lucifer turned his blue eyes to the human sitting at the desk, "Are you listening?"
Sam lifted his gaze, "Huh, oh yeah, of course."
"What were we talking about?" Michael asked.
"Animals," Sam muttered.
Both angels seemed satisfied. They continued arguing with one another about God's decision to not let Lucifer create any of the animals. Sam once again sank into a dazed state of boredom.
W
A tap on the door made Sam glance up from the book he'd been looking through. He wasn't really reading it. He'd already read it. In fact, he'd read all the books in his office so many times he'd lost count. It grew somewhat dull when he didn't have to listen to Michael and Lucifer whining about who hurt who first, but at least they gave him some sort of social interaction.
"Yes?" Sam asked and the receptionist, her name was Urania; he believed cracked open the door.
"Sorry to bother you," she apologized, "But Lucifer's here. He says he needs to see you. Says it's important."
Sam rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, "All right. Send him in."
Tucking the book back onto the shelf, Sam returned to his desk and sat, fingers gripping the arms of the chair tightly.
Lucifer sidled into the room, looking chagrinned.
"Sorry to bother you, Sam," he said, "I know you need a break but-"
"What do you need?" Sam asked tiredly.
Lucifer took a seat in one of the low, red-upholstered chairs in front of the desk, his demeanor changed now that he knew he had Sam's attention.
"I was thinking about this and… well… am I the bad guy?"
Sam blinked at the fallen angel, struggling hard not to laugh.
He had a feeling he was going to be here for a while.
W
After a hundred and twenty years had passed Sam almost wished for torture. Anything really, to break the monotony of this office he never left, of Lucifer and Michael's constant bickering, of Urania's apologetic smiles.
Sam, watching beautiful Victoria Falls, clearly not listening to a word the archangels said, wondered what would happen if were to throw himself through the window.
"Sam?" Michael's voice rang out behind him, "Sam?"
Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"Lord give me strength," he muttered under his breath and swiveled the chair around.
"Yeah?" he asked.
W
Sam ignored the increasingly frantic knocking at the door to his office. He could hear Urania's panicked voice on the other side but he ignored it. He sat, cup of coffee in hand, sipping the hot beverage, savouring it in silence for a moment. The key to the door lay on top of the blotter on his desk, gleaming gold in the sunrise behind the hunter.
He'd unlocked the door eventually. He just needed a break; just some time to himself. Where he didn't have to listen to the two archangels' seemingly endless grievances against one another and pretend like he cared or even wanted to help them fix them.
He didn't even worry if this little bid for isolation infuriated the angels. Right now he was content to just sit in solitude and listen to nothing but his own thoughts.
Sipping his coffee, Sam wondered if he could stay like this long enough to get some sleep.
W
Sam could have cried with relief when his feet touched the dried, brittle grass of Stull Cemetery. Lifting his face to the sun, he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, the sound of the wind through the bare trees and the chirping of birds were music to his ears.
"Sammy," Dean's voice said and Sam opened his eyes, looked at his brother.
"You… You look better than I expected," Dean held Sam at arms length, "What did they do to you down there?"
Sam smiled, "It was torture."
Author's Note:
Just a little attempt at a comedic story. Please be kind as this is my first time trying this type of story. No negativity. Thanks in advance for the reviews.
Ithurial and Zephron are two angels mentioned in John Milton's Paradise Lost. They are the two angels who saw Satan speaking to Eve. Urania is the name of John Milton's muse.