Disclaimer: I do not own Sark or any other Alias characters. All credit to J.J Abrams.
Lyrics by Death Cab For Cutie - Bixby Canyon Bridge from the album Narrow Stairs (go and buy it, it's great!)
Bixby Canyon Bridge
I descended a dusty gravel ridge / beneath the Bixby Canyon Bridge /
Until I eventually arrived / at the place where your soul had died
He slowly descended the dusty gravel ridge. It had been exactly one year since he was last here, under the Bixby Canyon Bridge. At that time, he had not been alone. She had been with him. Alice. The girl who was the very reason he was here.
He had met her while he was having lunch at an outside café in Los Angeles. She had sat down at the table next to him, ordering coffee with a European accent that had drawn his attention right away. Not to mention that she was also absolutely stunning. Her long, dark, curly hair was tied back in a casual ponytail and the white dress she was wearing flattered her beautiful curves. After the short phonecall she had made, he had picked up on where her accent was from and had asked her in his best Dutch why she was in LA. Soon enough they had found themselves talking for hours. They had exchanged numbers, and he had called her that same evening. For 2 weeks, they saw eachother almost every day. Going for lunch, shopping, museums,... Than he had offered her a sightseeing trip along the Californian Coast, something she had told him she had wanted to see for a long time. The next day they had driven on Highway 1, when they reached the Bixby Canyon Bridge. He had parked the car on the side of the road so they could enjoy the view. She had pointed out the creek they could see all the way down and he had proposed to go down there.
And that's where he was right now. That very same spot they had gone to. The very same spot he had lost her.
And barefoot in the shallow creek / I grabbed some stones from underneath /
and waited for you to speak to me
He sat a while on the rocks near the creek. Thinking back of the day they had spent. He had prepared a picknick and they had decided to eat it there, down near the creek. It had been a sunny and beautiful day, as it was today. He took his shoes off, just as she had done when they had reached the creek. Slowly he walked towards the water and felt the chilly temperature of it on his skin. She had gasped when she had first felt it and in that moment, seeing her face in the glowing sunlight, he had felt something he had never felt before. This great desire to have her with him forever. The realisation that he loved her, more than he could say. He had kissed her and to his surprise, she had returned his kiss. As she had played in the shallow water, thoughts had been running through is head. If he wanted her to stay with him, she had to know about his work, about him, the man he was.
Grabbing some stones from underneath he was wondering if he had made the right decission back then. He had told her. Thinking it was the right thing to do, he had said to her he had to tell her something. She had looked up lovingly and asked him what it was. He had taken his blackberry and showed her his picture on the CIA's most wanted list. She had taken a step back, and he had assured her she was in no danger. But there had been nothing left of the love in her eyes, only a desperate search for a way out. He had wanted to tell her it was okay, that he could explain. Only he couldn't.
But in the silence it became so very clear / That you had long ago disappeared /
And I cursed myself for being surprised / That this didn't play like it did in my mind
He sat back down on the rocks. Why had he decided to come here? What would he get from returning to this place? Perhaps it was the dream he had. A dream that kept haunting him. In that dream he had returned to this place earlier. And she had been here, waiting for him. Letting him know that she had made a mistake. It didn't matter who he was, or what he did. As long as she was with him, it would all be fine. He could hear her voice in the wind... or at least that's what he thought.
He cursed himself for being so stupid. Ofcourse she wasn't going to be here. Why would she? She had asked him for an explanation, something he hadn't been able to give. How could you tell someone you're a spy? How do you tell someone on top of that, that you are working against the law, not turning you hand to steal, destroy,...kill. He had not been able to tell her the truth, even though that seemed to be the only thing she wanted. Would things have been different if he had?
All the way from San Francisco / As I chased the end of your road / 'Cause I've still got miles to go /
And I want to know my fate if I keep up this way / But it's hard to stay awake when everyone you meet /
They all seem to be asleep / and you wonder if you're missing a dream you just can't see
As it was clear he wasn't going to give her the answers she wanted, she had started her way up. He had followed her but she had screamed at him to let her go. He didn't want to upset her even more and watched her as she climbed back to the highway. As she was almost dissappearing out of his sight, he realised the truth was the only thing he had left. The only thing he could give her. So he went after her. But once he reached the top, she was nowhere to be seen. The only clue a truck in the distance, going in the direction of San Francisco. He had looked for her, hours turning into days, days turning into weeks. Oh, he had looked. And he would keep looking.
His work had suffered. He knew that well enough. And Irina had made it more than obvious that she wasn't very pleased. The man he once was, there didn't seem to be much left of him. All because of the memory of her.
Then it started getting dark / And I trudged back to where the car was parked /
No closer to any kind of truth / As I must assume was the case with you
The sun had set and it started getting dark. He got up from the rocks and put his shoes back on. Getting back to his car, he still wondered if he was ever going to find her again. And what if he did? What would he do then? Would he really be able to tell her everything? Or would he risk losing her again? The day had brought him nothing but more questions and regret.
All he had wanted was to find answers, any kind of truth.
"That's all she ever wanted.", he said to himself.