"Dark before the Sun " Chapters 1-27

A "Farscape" Fic, centred on Aeryn Sun

This is a fic about Aeryn, of course John is in it, everyone is in it, but centrally it is about Aeryn, so I'm sorry if your favourite characters don't get enough storyline, but it's very unashamadely Aeryn centered.

This fic sets off in the early stages of season 2, and diverges from canon shortly after, taking heavily from "Crackers Don't Matter" "Picture if you Will" and "The Way We Weren't" ….

My thanks and dedication-

My many thanks to Claudia Black Online Group FB, a fantastic group of creative people who have a blast.

In particular the very humble 'wishes to remain nameless' admin of the group, who created beautiful fan art for this story which you can view at my Live Journal "carlyisnot" . The art work is so insightful, and really captures a piece of the character of Aeryn, I hope my work captures a similar picture. If you enjoy the story, or the art, And whether you enjoy the story or not, If you love Farscape and Claudia Black, then please check out the group :)

Many thanks and credit to Jacci Grace for her time brainstorming with me about titles, and generally giving me confidence to post. You are extremely insightful and have wisdom well beyond your years, and I would not have had confidence to actually post this without you. You are a very generous and genuine person and you will achieve anything you set out for in life. I don't think you realise what a special person you are to the people around you.

And last but by no means least, Candise Mitton, who came up with the title after I had been bashing myself over the head for months. A big big thank you for that :) The story would not see the light of day without you. Also for reminding me to be careful in what I say, because words matter, and for showing me that even out of conflict, great friendships can grow with just a little bit of communication and patience, I am grateful for this lesson most of all. And for your patience with me. You have inspired me, as an author and as a person, more than you will ever know.

And everyone at the Claudia Black Online FB group, all of the art work and videos, the creativity, and the inspiration, friendship and support has meant everything to me. I have no words to tell you how special the group is to my heart. I have little to give back, I am not talented at graphic art or videos, I'm not even talented at fan fiction, but I do enjoy it, and I hope in this small way I can give something back to the group that has given me so much.

To the reader- assuming there are any-

1/ I am aware that second person narration is not popular, it's clumsy, and confusing, and takes the reader away from enjoying the story because they are trying too hard to understand the narration. Believe me I have edited this story, all 27 chapters, into third person, first person, and many combinations. It's a deliberate choice to leave it this way, as it first came to me. I really want to emphasize the story is entirely from Aeryn's perspective. I want the reader to have access only to what Aeryn is thinking, and the events that she is a part of. I know there are other ways to do that, but it really seemed to fit this way. If it's too irritating and you don't want to read it I apologise, and I certainly am aware it is off putting. But at the end of the day that's how the story presented itself to me, and that's how I feel I have to present it here. Of course I love people to enjoy what I write, but at the end of the day I wrote this for myself most of all, and I stand by my choice. If you really have an aversion to second person narration then it's fine if you don't even read it. I really don't need twenty people commenting about how much better it would be in third person. It's deliberately written this way and I am aware it's not popular (thanks to my beta readers and their very subtle hints lol), it is what it is, and that's it. I hope if you give it a chance the narration won't interfere with the story. If anyone desperately really needs to see it in first or third person i'm happy to send you the drafts, but it is very deliberately and permanently posted this way for a reason. And I hope it works and creates the picture i set out to create. And I thank you for your patience working through the piece in second person.

2/ I'm not a Farscape expert, forgive any vocabulary errors, and spelling errors, I tried my hardest to consult the Farscape dictionary, but honestly I'm not even sure I have the characters names right, and if anyone feels the need to correct, send me a pm I will email you the draft copy and I will be most grateful. My beta reader isn't a Farscape fan (I know right! Not possible!) so really have no second opinion on that part of things. My beta reader, much as I love her to death, also English is not her first language, so really any spelling and grammar errors are mine not hers. Again if you have a burning desire to correct my grammar knock yourself out :) I have tried hard to read and re read, but of course I am blind to my own errors.

Also for the record, all my beta readers prefer this in third person, and take no responsibility for my choice to keep it this way :) I take the blame and after much consideration, I present it this way to you.

I dearly hope someone out there finds some enjoyment in this tale, and if so please let me know :) Constructive criticism also welcomed (but believe me i know, you hate second person narrative.) If you read it at all i would love to hear your thoughts , good or bad.

PS- DISCLAIMER- i own nothing :)

Dark Before The Sun

Prologue-

"You can be so much more."

It lost nothing in the translation, of this you are certain. You had heard it before, from Velorek, in your very own Sebacean mother tongue, and again, from Crichton, in his clumsy Earth language, the meaning still the same- you can be better, Aeryn. Aeryn, you're not good enough. No matter how many times you shake your head, willing those frelling translator microbes to give you a different definition, there simply was none.

You, Aeryn, are just not enough.

You never were enough.

"Broke every vow you made since the day you were born" as Crichton put it. One minute he is telling you that you can be more than just a peacekeeper soldier, Better than a peacekeeper, and the next minute he is insulting you for your betrayal, lack of loyalty. Aside from the frustrating inconsistency, something about his words really cut deeply.

OK, you said some things yourself that you weren't proud of. You even laughed when he threw his best insults at you. You're not sure if that was the T'raltixx craziness that made you stand there and laugh in the face of that verbal assault, or was that all your own reaction. You'd love to let the whole conversation dissolve away under the amnesty of the T'raltixx mind-frell, but no. There are three things that won't let you get past it.

Firstly, you don't believe T'raltixx could actually take over your mind, or any one else's. He could only work with what was already there, hidden deep down. Crichton's words had to come from somewhere. They weren't nonsensical, they were perfectly logical and in context to the situation. Maybe T'raltixx just gave Crichton the ability to speak what he really thought, without fear. Secondly, and most importantly, Crichton's words, as well as being fitting to the situation, were entirely true. You don't challenge his accusation. Crichton wasn't wrong. And thirdly, lesser being that he is, Crichton claims he was not as "affected" as the rest of you. Perhaps he was not "affected" at all. Therefore, you hold him more accountable for the things he said and did than the others, or even yourself. He said what he thought. What he thought was true. So you don't know why you feel this dull ache inside your chest every time you think about it. And furthermore, you don't know WHY you can't stop thinking about it. About him.

He had apologised. That's what Crichton does, now and then, when he thinks the circumstances warrant it. When he is afraid that his words have caused offence. That was a concept foreign to you. Peace keepers aren't big on remorse. What did the apology mean, anyway? That he was sorry he said something? Why was he sorry? His words were true. He certainly can't be under any illusion that he hurt you with his words, after all you laughed right in his face. Anyway, whatever this remorseful apology meant, it didn't take back his words, nor what he thought about you. And really, why should he trust you? Why should any body trust you? You did betray everything you were brought up to believe in. Years and years of conditioning, education, your whole life, and you betrayed it in a microt. Uncontested.

Maybe the fact that you did all that for Crichton made you feel that he owed you a certain amount of respect, gratitude, loyalty. But really, you can't claim any heroism. You carelessly uttered a few words, it wasn't planned, nor were you intending to get yourself irreversibly contaminated. You were planning to save him from death, you don't know why, but you were. But that is meaningless. He is right, you betrayed your people, for a man you just met. Why should he believe that you are capable of any kind of loyalty at all? Of course, he does not trust you.

No one on Moya trusts you.

And again, it's not the fact that people don't trust you that makes you squirm. What you can't get your head around is the feeling inside when you think about not being trusted. The feeling inside when Crichton first said those words to you, that you betrayed everything, that you have no loyalty. The way you felt when the other saw the tape, the way they looked at you as if you were a monster. You don't even have words for the way that made you feel. Because you had never felt anything like it. And you're not sure you want to be "feeling" things, if this is what it feels like. Better stick with that you're good at. A soldier. Simple. Painless. Uncomplicated. Best that people have no grand expectations about your honour, and best you not have any expectations either. That's just the way it will have to be.

You are who you are, who you were born to be. How can you be better than who you are? The concept itself makes no sense, leaving you feeling all the more inadequate. There is just no way to be good enough, not good enough to be what Crichton wants you to be. But he believed it, Velorek did too, said with such conviction

"You can be more".

You don't know why either man said those words. Was it meant as some sort of bizarre encouragement? was it an insult? A kind of torment? Did either of them mean for those words to haunt you as they do? Or had you really just lost your mind.

They are words, only words, and words can not haunt you, words can not hurt you. Words mean what they mean, it doesn't matter why someone said them, it doesn't change what they mean. Sometimes you think Crichton talks round and round in circles just to confuse you and make you feel inferior. Well, you are inferior, you admit it, you know nothing of him, his ways, and you don't want to. Not anymore. You want to be just another soldier. Invisible. Here today gone tomorrow. But you can't shake those words.