Nipples

:Dedicated to:
Siriusly Amused
for tremendously awesome work with the Hogwarts High series.

:Summary:
Harry gets his nipples pierced.

:Disclaimer:
I own nothing of the works of Jo Rowling. I also do not own "Our Lord Sandra"—Louise Rennison does. Additionally, I don't own Count Dracula Cocoa Pops, Liverpool, London, or England in general, for that matter. I do, however, own the bucket interactions, Louise the Panda Bear, the Sheriff and Doctor panda bear, and the garden gnomes that Ron cleans. Oh, and-- yes. I took the formatting of POVs from Siriusly Amused.

:Author Notes:
It's one of my proudest achievements.

:Another Author Note:
I didn't edit this at all. I feel really bad for saying that, but it's true. This is as I wrote it on 2 September, 2007. Eventually, I know I will come back and edit any small details that I've messed up with, but-- here it is, raw and uncut and probably teeming with fun grammatical errors!

+++

○○○ Ron ○○○

It was on a morning such as this that I awoke to find myself the subject of Harry's eyes. As for Harry, the boy was standing shirtless at the side of my bed with a sort of crazy look on his face.

"What, Harry?" I asked grumpily. I was having a very good dream about panda bears before Harry's rude interruption.

"Today's the day, Ronnie," he said seriously.

I sat up. "What bucket are you peeing in?"

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What bucket? There is no bucket. That's not what I'm talking about."

I sighed. "What are you talking about, then? I'd like to get back to sleep, if you don't mind. Louise Panda Bear was about to propose to the Doctor and Sheriff on the same day, and I was kind of hoping for some drama—"

"This is more important that Louise's love affairs."

My mouth dropped open. "What?!"

"Take me seriously, Ron."

"Take it back!"

"What? No!"

"Take it back, take it back!"

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Fine. Louise Panda Bear's love affairs intrigue me like nothing else."

"Good. Now, what are you on about?"

Harry sat on my bed. I scurried back a bit, folding my legs. "Today's the day, Ronnie," he repeated.

"Ugh. You've said this before. What do mean?"

Harry looked at me desperately, and then he seemed to realize I had no idea what he was talking about. Comprehension dawned his face. I felt sort of bad.

"I'd love to hear it," I said. "Draw me your bucket. Come on, draw me your bucket."

His mouth turned lopsided, and he resigned to say instead, "Emeralds or rubies?"

What, what? "Harry, you're giving me a headache, tell me what you mean."

"Riddle me this, Ronnie Popsy, emeralds or rubies?"

I closed my eyes and decided that it would all go away very soon. With that on my mind, I answered, "Emeralds, I suppose. They bring out your eyes."

He stood up very suddenly and backed away. He grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it on quickly, shrugging into determinedly. "Merci, mon ami Ronnie Popsy. Au revoir." He turned and headed for the door.

Since when did he know French? "Harry, what are you going to do?"

He turned and gave me a fierce look. "I'm going to get what I want."

He pulled the door open and slammed it shut behind him. I sat there, dazed for a moment and confused beyond belief, before falling back onto my pillow.

"Louise, you whore."

○○○ Ginny ○○○

School was out for the summer, and so I was kind of hoping to spend my days sleeping until two, eating some sort of sugary tart, and then reading with the garden gnomes outside. My hair was dirty and clipped back angrily on the back of my head, a grimy, oily red due to the fact that I hadn't bathed in about a week. Currently, I could guess that it was about noon. Two more hours to go.

That is, until Harry barged in quite unannounced.

I groaned. "Harry, my bucket is not amused."

He ripped off his shirt and sat next to me, pushing me to the side a little to make room.

"Look at my nipples, Ginny."

What, what?

"I beg pardon?" I asked, surprised. "Has your tea hose sprung a leak?"

"No, actually, the tea hose is in tip-top condition." He smiled. "Now, look at my nipples."

I groaned again and forced myself (with not much difficulty) to look at his chest. Yes, his nipples were fine. Well-rounded and pink.

"Your nipples are marvelous, Harry," I told him, closing my eyes and looking ceilingward. I was still lying down.

"Fantastic!" he exclaimed. "If you had nipples like these, would you show them off, then?"

?!? My eyes shot open quickly. I looked at him incredulously.

"Harry, no, I would not—"

"If you were a guy, that is."

"But I'm not a guy—"

"Figuratively, I mean—"

"Figuratively, I am not a guy—"

"However, if you use your imagination—"

"I don't want to use my imagination—"

He placed his hands around my face and looked me in the eyes. Dazzler. Stupid, moronic, shirtless dazzler.

"I promise you can be a flamboyant, tu-tu wearing, licorice-red lips adorning female afterwards. Just wear some boy pants for now."

I sighed. "If I had nipples like yours, I would decorate them in white linen and lace and show the world."

His smile broadened. "Great! Let's go have some cereal."

"But I thought I would just sleep for—"

"No, Ginny, you thought wrong."

○○○ Fred ○○○

"Sir Fred, would you mind terribly if I asked for you to pass the marmalade?"

"Why, not at all, Sir George! It would be a pleasure!"

"Oh, you are ever so kind."

"Can you pass the pecan tarts?"

"Of course, of course."

Summer was here, although that meant little to us, seeing as we had quit school and started our own business. We worked when we liked.

It was then, however, that I noticed a large green envelope sitting just inside of the entrance door of our flat.

"What ho, m'lady, do you see thatta there envelope sitting just a yonder?"

George's head swiveled in excitement. "Why yes, Monsieur Frederick, I do see thatta there envelope sitting just a yonder!" He stood up and retrieved the letter. His eyebrows signaled confusion. "It's from Harry." He made to hand it to me.

My eyebrows mimicked his. I took the letter from his outstretched hands and looked at the front of it. Sure enough, in Harry's meticulously floaty handwriting were the following words:

Sir Frederick and Sir George of the Weasels Club

745 Crimblegoose Lane

Flat Number 1220 B

Liverpool, England, United Kingdom

Western Hemisphere

Earth

Milkyway Galaxy

"A touch on the loose bucket, don't you think?" I asked Fred. He agreed wholeheartedly.

"Open it." And so I did.

"Dear Weasley Twins," I read.

"My nipples and I would like nothing more at the current moment than to meet with you. It is of dire importance. Ronnie Popsy is busy with his pandas and Ginny fell asleep in her cereal, so I am quite alone. I think you and I should meet. I have arranged three tickets at the London Bullfighting Ring. It would be utter fabu of you to accompany me. Please arrive on the 12th at approximately 11:49 am. Go to the ticket booth and ask for Hank. Tell him you are Sir Frederick and Sir George of the Weasels Club, and he will give you two tickets before directing you both to the seats I have bought for us. Can't wait. Chow, darlings, give the rabbit a kiss for me. Love, Harry. P.S., it would be quite prudent of you to not wear red."

"How did he know we have a rabbit?"

"Everyone knows we have a rabbit, George."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone."

○○○ Ron ○○○

I wasn't sure how long I'd slept for. All I knew what that Louise was killed by the Doctor, the Sheriff tried to arrest the Doctor, and then the Doctor suddenly went into cardiac arrest. All in all, not one of my better dreams.

I trudged sadly downstairs, expecting to find Harry shirtless or something, but instead, I found Ginny breathing bubbles into a bowl of milk. She was wearing her cutest pajamas, purple with pink and gray toadstools dancing all over. I tapped her shoulder.

"BRUSH YOUR TEETH!" she screamed loudly, snorting milk all over the front of me.

Wiping the milk off of my clothes, I crinkled my nose. "Fabulous, Ginny. Fabulous."

"Wha--?" she looked around and finally seemed to notice me. "Ron? Ron!"

"Yes, it IS me, good eye on that one," I told her sarcastically, pouring myself some milk into a bowl I grabbed from the sink. "Who did you expect?"

"Well," she admitted honestly, sheepishly. "I was kind of expecting Harry."

My eyebrows rose a great bit. I was impressed with myself, actually. "Why were you expecting Harry?"

"Well, first off, he woke me up at noon—"

"No!" I gasped, shocked.

"Yes!" she seemed flustered. "And he made me look at his—at his chesty bits."

My eyebrows rose further, if that was even possible. "Oh, really? He did?"

"Yes, he did. And then he made me eat cereal."

"And then what happened?" I asked.

"Er, actually," she blushed. "I actually don't know. I fell asleep not too soon after."

"What a pity."

"Darn right."

Just then, Harry came prancing—yes, prancing—into the kitchen with a tiny little bag. Something green glittered menacingly from within.

"Those look like crack bags," Ginny said abruptly, wiping milk off of her face.

Harry and I looked at her oddly.

She laughed nervously. "Not that I would know or anything."

Harry shrugged and handed the bag to me. "Look inside!" he said giddily.

I took the bag from him delicately and opened it. My eyes fell upon two glittering green, circular rings. I gasped.

○○○ Ginny ○○○

"You're a whore like Louise!" Ron shrieked. "You're a whore, you're a whore, you're a whore!"

Harry was shocked. This was clearly not the reaction he expected.

"What, Ron? What?"

"Louise proposed to the Sheriff and the Doctor, and the Doctor got mad and killed her, and—and—HARRY, YOU CAN'T DIE!"

"Ron, I really don't understand, something is rotting in your bucket—"

"MY BUCKET IS FINE!"

Ron's eyes bulged in delusion. He was shaking the bag of rings in Harry's face in distress, quite beside himself.

"Ron, I'm not planning on—"

"You're a whore like Louise!" he repeated madly. "You're a whore, you're a whore, you're a whore—"

"Ron, I'm not planning on—"

"You're a whore, you're a whore, you're a whore—"

"Ron, will you listen to me?"

"You're a whore, you're a whore, you're a whore—"

"Ron, for the last and final time, I am not—"

"You're a whore, you're a whore, YOU'RE A WHORE—"

"Ronald, my patience is waning."

"YOU'RE A WHORE, YOU'RE A WHORE, YOU'RE A WHORE—"

"STOP IT!" I screamed. "Stop it rightnow!"

The two of them looked at me in shock. Harry's mouth dropped open quite stupidly. Ron dropped the bag of rings.

"Now, I am going to go upstairs. I have a headache. I intend on sleeping. You two will not be loud. You will be quiet. Got it?" I asked calmly.

They both nodded doltishly.

"Good," I said. "If I hear even the tiniest drop of noise, the tiniest, I will sell your cerebellums on the black market. Got it?"

They nodded once more.

"Good," I said. I took the bowl of milk from beside Ron and grabbed a straw. "Now, scatter."

"But that's my bowl of—"

"SCATTER!"

And they left.

○○○ Hermione ○○○

My train arrived twenty-five minutes late, so perhaps it is understandable why I'm so peeved.

I grabbed my luggage and made my way to the exit doors. On the way there, I noticed two ominous figures walking beside me. Upon further inspection, I noticed it was Fred and George.

"Fred! George!" I gasped happily. "What on Earth are you doing here for? I thought you both lived in Liverpool, now."

"We do," George replied. "But we're going to a bullfight with Harry today."

My eyebrows furrowed. "Why are you going to a bullfight with Harry today?"

"Beats the cricket with us, chummy lady fiend, he just sent us a letter and asked us to go," Fred answered this time, running his hand through his red locks of hair. "What are you doing here?" he turned the question on me.

I instantly became defensive. "I'm coming to visit Ron, Ginny, and Harry at their new flat, for your information. Trying to decide if I should take them up on their offer to move in with them."

George looked at me seriously and asked, "Hermione, do your parents love you enough?"

"What?"

"I mean, it just seems to us that you never spend enough time with them. Did you—" he gasped, "did you kill your parents?"

"What rubbish," I scoffed. "No, they're not dead."

"That didn't answer our first question, though," Fred chirped. "Do they love you?"

"You two are unbelievable!"

"But loveable," said George.

"Yes, very loveable, very loveable indeed," said Fred.

"Ugh," I groaned. I began to walk even faster. "Will I see you later, then?" I asked. "Will you be at their flat later on?"

"Most likely. I can't imagine Harry being blunt enough to get it all out before the bull eats someone."

"Glorious, Fred. Glorious."

"Fanks."

○○○ George ○○○

We did what the letter said and asked for Hank. He directed us to a box very close to the bullfighting ring. There, Harry sat, wearing a button-up shirt that he currently had de-buttoned.

"Harry, old friend, old pal, how are ye doing?" I asked him brightly as I took my seat.

He looked at us and grinned happily. Then, he handed us a bag of something green.

I tried to turn it away. "No, no, no, Harry, we don't smoke—"

"Yeah, thanks for the offer, but no thanks—"

Harry shook his head vigorously. "It's not full of drugs."

Warily, Fred took the bag and peered inside of it. He looked up in surprise. "Who's the lucky old broad?" he asked, handing it to me. "Oh, gosh—it's Ginny, isn't it?!"

"What?!" I sputtered, yanking the bag from Fred's hands and peering inside of it. "There are two rings inside of this bag! Why, you—you skanky, skanky two-timer!"

"If you hurt our baby sister, I swear on the name of Our Lord Sandra that we'll personally deflower you so violently—"

"Woah," Harry said, raising his hands to stop us. "They aren't engagement rings."

"Then what are they?"

"Nipple rings, of course."

Fred and I remained silent for a period of time, our mouths stuck open, shocked.

"What, now?"

"Well, I kind of need your help."

"With what?!" I gasped.

"Well, I'm kind of shy," Harry admitted, looking down at himself as he did so. "And I'm afraid I might hurt myself if I do it."

"So you come to us for advice?"

"Not quite."

"Well, what then?"

"I want you guys to do it."

Silence stretched as thick as Ronnie's eyebrows.

"You're joking, right?"

Harry quickly covered this. "No, no, not at all! I'm serious!"

I sighed. "Do you realize what you're asking of us, Harry?"

"Yeah," Fred agreed. "We'll have to touch your chesty bits."

"I've got a piercing gun," he told us both.

Silence once more.

I said, "Well, this changes everything."

○○○ Hermione ○○○

I hadn't been here for more than two hours before I began to regret my decision to come here. Harry was still at the bullfight with Fred and George, Ginny was asleep, and Ron was cleaning the garden gnomes outside of the building. I had resolved to cleaning the oven with some very powerful, potent bleach. So far, my eyes were burning and my nose may have begun to bleed. After about half an hour of this, Harry came dancing in—yes, dancing—with Fred and George behind him.

"How was the bullfight?" I asked.

"It was fantastic," Fred said cheerfully. "Lots of blood."

"Hermy Pops, when did you get here?" Harry asked happily.

"About three hours ago," I groaned. "Ginny's asleep—"

"She tends to do that."

"—And Ron's too afraid to be in the same room or vicinity as Ginny, so he's cleaning the garden gnomes outside."

"Bless his heart," George said, wiping some fake tears from his eyes. "Ron cleaning. What a proud day this is for us."

"Freddie! Georgie!" suddenly a squeal sounded from behind me. I turned to see Ginny, clad in pajamas with toadstools emblazoned all over, running from her, perhaps soon to be mine, too, room. She gave them huge hugs before turning to me. "Hermsies!" and she gave me a hug, too.

"It's great to see you, Gin," I told her honestly. "Maybe you should fetch your brother? He's having a rough go with the ceramic gnomes outside."

Ginny laughed. "Alright, then." And then she left.

"So, did you three get everything that you wanted to talk about over with?" I asked genially.

"Oh, yes, Hermy Pops, we did," Harry told me. "But if you don't mind, we've got some business to attend to in my room."

"It's Ron's room, too, you know," I told him.

"Yes, yes, of course it is. How could I ever have forgotten?"

"Lead us away, Harry darling," Fred told him.

"Yes, yes, come with me. The gun's this way."

"I'm sorry, but did you just say gun?" I asked.

Harry stopped mid-stride. "Of course not," he said, before continuing down the hall with Fred and George close behind.

"Oh, piss the watermelon egg, I'm alone, again!"

○○○ Ginny ○○○

I returned to our apartment with Ron about twenty minutes later. He was still bummed over not getting clean the last five garden gnomes, but I yelled at him for ignoring Hermione, Fred, and George. Grumbling the whole friggen way up here, he followed me.

I found Hermione sitting alone at the counter, staring dolefully at a box of Count Dracula Cocoa Pops.

"Where are the others?" I asked her.

"Doing Sandra-knows-what in Harry's and Ron's room," she said bleakly, fiddling her spoon around. "I'm really starting to regret coming here."

"Awe, Hermione, don't feel bad!" I said. "I'll kill them myself when they get out of there!"

She chuckled humorlessly. "You don't have to do that."

"I'll bend their buckets personally, Hermione," Ron spoke up in what he obviously thought was a gallant manner.

"Oh, you're one to talk!" Hermione snapped. "I've been here for three hours and you've been cleaning garden gnomes the whole time!"
I glared at Ron. "Yeah, Ron."

"And you, Ginny, you've been sleeping the whole time! It's nearly three in the afternoon!"

"You could have waken me up," I scoffed. "It's not like I would have eaten you."

Ron snorted.

"Shut up, Ron."

"I'm just saying that I didn't want to come down here in the first place, and to completely ignore me—"

But she was cut off by the most horrendous scream I'd have heard. It sounded like Harry's wail, and I quickly ran to the room Harry and Ron shared. Right as I opened the door, I heard the wail again.

"Harry, what's wrong?!" I bellowed. Ron and Hermione peered in behind me.

What we saw shocked us.

There Harry sat, shirtless, with two circular green things protruding from his chest. What's more is the fact that Fred and George both held a piercing gun, malevolent delight evident on their faces.

"Harry, I think you broke your bucket."