10 steps to go

I shouldn't be doing this. It's stupid really. I've not even known the man for that long-a few months at the most-and I've been falling for him for even less time. It's terrifying really. I need to be numb. I need to make it go away. This isn't the way to do it though, so why can't I stop walking towards the bar?

9 steps to go

I told Noah that I loved him, that I wanted him back. With Noah it's safe. It's easy and I know what I'm doing. It's not so much that I wanted him back; more that I needed him back to keep me grounded, to keep me from doing something stupid, like what I'm doing now.

8 steps to go

What I want isn't safe. It's new and it's exciting but it's impossibly terrifying. When I'm around him I can't breathe, but when I'm without him it's like there's no air and I'm choking and gasping and slowly dying. I wish I'd never blackmailed him into coming to Oakdale. He's turned my world upside down and I'm falling and falling. I'm sinking and drowning. I can't breathe.

7 steps to go

This is a mistake. It won't make anything better in the long run. It'll take the pain away temporarily but in the morning the dark spot in my soul will just come back to haunt me and then I'll have to drink again to forget what a big screw up I am, and then I'll be back into the vicious cycle of self destruction. I know this is a mistake, so why can't I turn and leave?

6 steps to go

I'm such a coward. I shouldn't be here. I should be with him, telling him he's not second best. Telling him that it's him I want. Telling him how much he terrifies me. I should be telling him that I'm falling and I don't know if I want to stop, but I need to stop before my heart gets broken again. I'm not good enough for him. Why can't I be good enough?

5 steps to go

He deserves better than me. He wants me now but he doesn't really know me. He doesn't know how vulnerable and fucked up I am. Hell, nobody does. I'm just happy, smiley Luke Snyder who everyone runs to with their problems. I can get through anything; my parents splitting up, Noah's accident, my sister taking drugs, my father going to jail...my alcoholism. They don't know it's all killing me slowly. They don't know that I'm broken. I'm so broken.

4 steps to go

I'm scared of myself. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about doing this but I can't stop walking towards the waiter, towards the poison. I need everything to be blank. I need to be empty. I know I'll regret it in the morning. I know it's not safe. Why does it have to be so tempting? Why does it have to be so hard?

3 steps to go

I want him to find me and to hold me. I want him to make it all go away. I want him to stay and hold my hand forever but I know when he realizes that he's better than me he'll leave. I'll be alone again. I'll be scared and no one will understand. I want to be with him more than anything in this world. I want him to make me feel again, like he did this morning with that kiss. I need him…but I think need Noah more. I need to be safe.

2 steps to go

Why did he have to kiss me in Dallas? Why did he have to make my world tumble down around me? Why did he drive me back to this? Why did he turn me away? Why did he make me fall? Why did he have to show me what I truly needed? I was safe. Now I'm wounded and bruised and I can't fix it. I need to be safe. Why can't I be safe with him? Why didn't anyone tell me it could be this hard?

1 step to go

I can't do this. I need to run and run and not look back. I need to get away from the temptation. I need to stop being a coward and I need to grow up. I need to escape this place.

0 steps to go

But maybe I need to escape myself more.

Maybe one drink won't hurt.