There was a girl, once, who believed in herself. She had to crush her belief in exchange for her life. Then that wasn't enough. Her emotions drew the beast and she had to stop. Stop believing, stop feeling, stop fearing and laughing and caring and crying... anything to not stop living. The girl was utterly alone. Alone except the beast which she couldn't even fear, for fear of death. She knew she had changed too much, too fundamentally, to be that girl anymore. She became the Drifter.
"I am the Drifter. For I am here and I will not stay. I am the breeze in your hair and the whisper in your ear and I will not be chained." It was my mantra, for that empty time. "I am the Drifter, I am the Drifter." I just kept telling myself I could drift on the wind and wander where I wanted, wander without fear. But the most horrible thing was, I wasn't allowed to have faith in or believe this lie. The monster feeds on faith, and when he can't find belief he settles for emotions, then wants, and needs, and every last feeling.
I am in a hotel in space. Stuck, I glitched the system. I can't find the control room; I'm not sure there is a control room. This is just as much a cage for the monster as it is for me. I feel a sort of camaraderie with it sometimes. He can't kill me if I don't feel, he doesn't notice me really, harmless. I find him and sit with him sometimes, it's like book club. Talk about the wallpaper, what he's been doing with his hair, wondering when the next group of religious idiots is gonna get trapped in this damn place. I named him Minny, after the Minotaur. Minny is a real conversationalist, his occasional grunts and roars have really helped me get to know him.
I didn't care anymore.
Like I said, I glitched the system. The hotel was the theme for my poor group and since I, a part of that group, never left, the wallpaper never changed. I used to try to help the people that passed through. I don't do that now. Doing that hurts, and hurt is a feeling Minny will hunt me for. I bet you are wondering what my room is huh? Everyone has got a room. What is my primal fear? That thing you never saw coming but makes such horrible, profound sense. I found my room and when I walked in I saw a room, a mirror staring blankly back at me. And I knew, what else could I possibly fear except to be trapped in a place that doesn't let me feel? After that I didn't find my room again. I didn't need to. Mirrors popped up in the hallways and the main rooms. Constant reminders that this whole place was exactly what I feared most. I didn't have a room, I had a mansion.
One day...nothing changed. I don't know what the moon looks like anymore. I'm so done. I have been scratching lines into my arms and hitting my legs till they bruise. I can still feel pain. Thank god, I can still feel pain.
There's another group, they show up gradually, within two days of each other. Mostly humans this time. I wonder what or who they believe in. How long till they fall. I sigh, this means I have to hide again. I pull my knees to my chest and spin on my swivel chair. The monitors in front of me seemed to dance with all the feeling these people have. I couldn't afford that, I probably couldn't afford to watch either but here I am. Ah, here's the last few, they were probably traveling together.
The spark is bright and clings to the warrior/fool. The puff (hufflepuff) is loyal to the spark. I know their names. Amy, the Doctor, and Rory. The Doctor has a name like mine, the Drifter. I wonder what happened to him, what he has done. Names like that don't come easy. Amy believes in him, that's unhealthy here. Rita (scrubs) believes in science. Howie (glasses) believes in government conspiracies. I laugh cause he's right. It's just that it wasn't an Earth government that put this shit together. Gibbis, the mole, puts his faith in literally any government to tell him what to do. I bet he and glasses get along swimmingly. Joe is lost already. Fucking Joe.
I check the monitors again. That's odd, I can't see them. I'm messing around with the controls when I hear to door open. I spin and see the the warrior/fool in the doorway. Shit. I need to pull my shit together, people aren't supposed to see me. I hear my heart rate monitor start to beep. Breath in… Breath out… think of the void. That's it, empty. He's asking me questions now.
This smart, obnoxious, curious little fucker thinks I'm in charge. Just cause I'm in the monitor room, dumbass. He keeps… asking… questions. I need to calm down again and this time he seems to notice and just looks at me, analyzing. I take advantage of the pause to tell him I'm just as trapped as them, I'd just been there longer. I don't realize how dead my voice is. He asks if I know what's going on, why didn't I go out and meet them, what's my name? I simply tell him i've been here too long and helping never works. He seems concerned now and once again asks me how long I've been here. I point at my hair. My 4 feet of hair, wavy dark blonde hair. I tell him it was at my chin when I got here. He seems to stagger. I've shocked him.
I stand and walk past him into the hallway. It seems I'm going to be helping this group. Rita sees me first and asks me my name and where I'm from. I tell her I traveled a lot around the Americas, Eurasia, and even Japan before I ended up here. She tells me she's from India. The Doctor has caught up now and the rest of the group seems to have converged as well.
I end up explaining how this place works and what I've done to stay alive but I know it's too late. Joe is already dead and the others are starting to 'praise him'. The Doctor finally notices Amy and seems to sadden. He knows her faith lies in him, and doesn't that just hurt like a bitch? Rory seems fine and the Doctor probably has had his faith fail him too many times before.
Damn, I liked Rita too. I look around the room and see only ghosts, I feel like a ghost too.
It's only the Doctor, Rory, Amy, and myself now. Amy is almost gone and the Doctor knows how to save her but we both know what it will cost. He splinters and cracks and shatters her faith in him and I can feel the moment she stops believing. The balance shifts and I run out of the room, Minny is going to starve like this and I want to see him before he does. I can't find him and I allow myself to feel, anxious and worried, cause I know it will draw him to me. He's so weak now. The hologram fades away and I sit with him. I make a stupid comment about the wallpaper and how our book club would actually have something to talk about now. The Doctor relates to Minny on too many levels and we just take a moment to hurt before life moves on again. I stand. He starts talking about everything that should matter but it doesn't.
"I am the Drifter. For I am here and I will not stay. I am the breeze in your hair and the whisper in your ear and I will not be chained." I say it outloud and finally, I can believe it. The Doctor pauses then looks at me with that analysing look. "Drifter? Is that your name?" I smile because now it really is.