There are nights I can't sleep at all. Over the years the throes of losing you have become a dull throbbing pain, black and bitter in my throat. Don't ask me how the pain has color or taste I'm just so used to it that I can envision it in any second enveloping me like a dark glow whatever I do wherever I go.
There are other nights when I actually sleep. They are the worst. I dream constantly about you. What did I do? What could I have done? Could I have made right call to save you? What would it be if you have survived? Billions of never- ending scenarios… I see you, your smiling face, your huge green eyes, your flowing red hair. But the image is distant, blurred like a long forgotten memory that came to haunt you. I see him much clearer. He stands indomitable in his black robes and his red eyes threatening to devour you. He smiles condescendingly to me as he turns his wand between his long pale fingers.
"I understand, Severus" he says and doesn't even bother to look at my crumpled on the floor sobbing figure "You lust for that Mudblood. I can't blame you. Pretty she is I can't deny. But a lower desire like this cannot stand in my way." The thick snake is slides in his feet and he tenderly caresses its slippery head. "Lord Voldemort is bounteous though to the ones who deserve it. You gave me precious information, Severus, and because you're a loyal servant I may spare the woman. As far as the man and the child are concerned, they must be eliminated."
"Like you wish, My Lord" I mumble low pressing my forehead to the ground.
"I'll let the woman live and I'll let you amuse yourself with her. When you finish you'll make her join the other filthy Mudbloods that used to pollute the wizard world. Then, Severus, your soul will be truly mine."
"Yes… yes…" I chanted not really hearing what he's been saying after he said he'd spare your life.
"Of course, all that will happen only if she's smart enough not to resist."
A cold shivers goes down my spine as I realize this is impossible for the Lily I know.
OoOoOoOoOoOo
I see the pitiful house in ruins. I make my way through the debris. My heartbeat is uneven and furious; I can feel in every particle of my body. The stench of something rotten burning is filling my nose. I find the body of that prat Potter. His glasses are crocked and the blood has dried on his pale skin. Even in death there's a smug look on his face or am I imaging? In the crib there's the small figure of your son. I lean towards the baby and feel it's already cold. I look at the poor creature for a while the vague feeling of something missed comes to me. I was supposed to do something related to the boy. I can't remember. Then I spot you. I run to you and fall on my knees at the sight of your broken body. Suddenly I realize you're still breathing. I take your head in my lap and put away the hair off your face. How can I be so stupid? I pray to all gods. He did spare you. My Lord, The-One-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, is merciful. Of course he could not take away the one light in my life. Your eyes open, but your gaze can't focus. Merlin, how green and beautiful they are, like two emeralds burning me!
"Sev…" you whisper your voice very, very faint.
"Yes, Lily, I'm here" I manage to say as tears of relief roll down my cheeks "It'll be ok, we'll be fine, Lily, don't worry."
OoOoOoOoO
You weep in my arms as we stood in one of the comfortable rooms in the manor of Hepzibah Smith. I wanted to take you to a nice place so you can recover in luxury and peace and the Dark Lord let me use the huge house of an old friend of his as he claims. I choose the biggest bedroom on the last floor for you so when you wake up you could see hills painted in the red light of the dawn. I hope beauty and convenience can be comfort for the pain of your loss.
You're devastated as I expected. You sob on my shoulder and I desperately try to comfort you but it's not possible. I think of how kind your heart is, how good and compassionate and how I hate to see it broken. At some point I even wish I could bring back Potter and the kid though I realize this would take you away from me again. But I love you so much, Lily, it hurts. Still the guilty joy of having you alive despite your misery fills my whole being. 'How selfish' I think but then again the warmth of your body washes away all the remorse. I know two people are dead but how can I ignore the happiness of having my most cherished dream came truth- you in my arms.
"Lily" I say wiping your tears "I can only imagine how you feel right now but the pain that you feel can only be healed by living. Time is what you need. I only wish you don't blame me in the end for everything that happened."
"Severus," my name sound so sweet on your lips I've forgotten "how can I blame you? You saved my life. You've been so brave for set against the Dark Lord."
"I could not lose you." The right words just come to me by themselves "You're my purest light, Lily, my innocence. Since the first time I saw you I knew you're my Sofia, the eternal Woman…"
I look at you standing on the bed, your skin so smooth and tender. Your breast is raising and falling as you breathe; beautiful… You are like a statue perfect and still, dark red hair falling down your back. I felt the urge to touch you. I lean slowly to you giving you chance to pull back any second you want. You don't. I kiss you. Your lips are so soft and sweet. You don't withdraw actually you kiss me back. You're easily yield to my touch and my confidence grows. I lay you down pressing our bodies together. You give yourself to me completely and I make love to you. Now I'm sure we're cut out for each other. In this sublime moment I can see you staying next to me in Dark Lord's rows. Your origin can be neglected because you're an extraordinary witch. You'll be my wife, bear my children. I'll be your support and protection. Everything will be just fine.
OoOoOoO
You're standing at the big window dressed only in some transparent blue robe. I gaze at you and there's something different. You're indeed my Sofia, my eternal Woman. How long have I waited for you, how much have I craved you! But Sofia is a prostitute and a virgin at the same time. She's saint and sinner. She's the initial temptation. But she's not pure. I come to you, embrace you and kiss your shoulder.
"My Lily, my light" I whisper caressing your neck. You look different, you laugh sensuously and as you do I tighten my grip. "What are you doing, Sev?" you ask in that childish voice; the same way like when we were ten. "Nothing, dear, I'm killing you" is my answer. As you struggle for air I push you through the window. Your body is falling fast, the wind waves your transparent robes.
You have become palpable my Lily. I've had you, possessed you and you were no longer my ideal dream. You were not so pure, so innocent; you could not be my guideline. You were useless. I could not bear watching you being that pitiful dirty Mudblood. My white lily, my perfect lily was crushed in the mud.
OOoOoO
About this moment I wake up. Pain's suffocating me. Tears come out of my eyes and I scratch my chest trying to rip off that bloody heart that doesn't give me a rest. I mumble and mumble "I didn't want to…please… I didn't mean to…" but it's all in vain. The reality hits in and I wonder what is actually worse what have actually happened or what I have dreamed of. You, my Lily, have made me what I am; you turned me from the slippery road of the Dark Arts. To be precise your death has.
I wish I have made the right call, I wish I have saved you. I wish I knew that if I have, I wouldn't have sold my soul. But I don't know.