A/N: This AU EO story takes place a few years ago.

Anyone who has read my stories before will know this, but I have a tendency to include twists and turns and so just a warning... it will contain a certain amount of heartache, but it has a happy ending. I hope you enjoy it.

1

Olivia sighed inwardly as she placed the cuffs on the woman. It was hard to keep her gaze from falling onto her swollen belly. She guessed she must be at least six months gone by the look of her and she was as high as a kite. It was so disheartening dealing with cases like these and it only served to remind her of her deep-seated longing for a child of her own. If only things had gone differently. Perhaps if she hadn't been married to the job she would have found someone and had the chance of a family, but life just hadn't panned out that way. Now here she was in her early forties, single, childless and facing an uncertain future alone.

She handed the woman over to the two uniformed police officers waiting and watched silently as they ushered their new charge into the car. Her boyfriend was placed in a second car. Both were looking at a decent stretch for possession with intent to supply. It wasn't a first offence for either of them, so Olivia knew the judge would likely come down hard on them. The only positive about the whole situation was that perhaps in jail Marina's unborn child would be in with a chance if she were to take the opportunity to get clean. Who was she kidding though? It was no doubt cynical to assume the worst, but years in the job had taught her that reality was often harsh. Marina had showed no desire to help herself so far and even pregnancy hadn't seemed to have made any difference. Olivia had seen first-hand the damage drugs and drink during pregnancy could do to a child and it saddened her immeasurably.

"You OK?" Her partner had seemingly popped up out of nowhere. He faced her now, his haggard expression betraying his own tiredness. She knew he found these cases particularly rough too.

"Yeah," she said resignedly. "Come on. Guess we'd better get back and started on the paperwork." She set off towards their car, heading towards the passenger seat. It was her day to drive, but she wasn't in the mood. She had too much on her mind.

Elliot didn't say anything, but just slipped unquestioningly into the driver's seat and silently they headed back towards the precinct. It briefly occurred to her that he seemed somewhat subdued himself, but she was too caught up in her own musings to really give it much attention. He was the first to break the silence though.

"Could you believe the state of that place?"

"It's got to be up there with some of the worst we've come across," she said dully, remembering the mess but particularly the smell. It was horrifying how drugs could reduce people to such an existence.

"Makes your place seem like a palace in comparison," he teased. She didn't bother with a reply, although her look said it all. It was true the last time he had been there it hadn't been at his best, but he had just turned up out of the blue, so really what did he expect? He knew full well how little time she actually spent there and unlike him she didn't have someone to clear up after her at home.

"Hey, I was just joking you know," he said after a minute of awkward silence.

"Yeah I know," she said. "Sorry. I'm just tired."

He turned briefly to look at her, a hint of worry in his eyes and she forced herself to smile. Seemingly satisfied he returned his gaze back to the road ahead.

"At least we have a couple of days off," he said. "You can get some decent rest."

"Yeah," she said unenthusiastically. Just what she needed: a weekend alone to remind herself what she was missing in life.

Silence once more ensued.

Back at the precinct they were called into Cragen's office to give him a quick report. They had originally been called out by some neighbours who had heard the couple fighting and with the assumption of some kind of domestic violence, based on the sounds of smashed crockery and screams, the SVU had been called in. It turned out it was really just a case for narcotics. Both of them were high on meth and neither was pressing any charges against the other. The amount of drugs found in their apartment automatically increased the seriousness of the charges even though they insisted they were for only for personal use.

Marina and her boyfriend were briefly interviewed but it was mostly just procedure. It turned out, however, that Marina thought she was considerably further along in her pregnancy than she looked, apparently being only a couple of weeks away from her due date. Her small size and the fact that she wasn't currently receiving any prenatal care was concerning and Olivia had begged her to head straight to a clinic as soon as she was arraigned in the morning. Marina had promised and Olivia hoped she had managed to get through to her, although unfortunately she had her doubts. She hated to imagine the effect all the drugs would have on her baby. Maybe it was best not to?

The paperwork kept them late and by the time they had finished it was already gone eleven. Elliot suggested they go for a quick bite to eat but she declined. She really wasn't in the mood to be sociable and besides he had a family and she insisted he should be with them. Instead she allowed him to walk her to her car before saying goodnight and wishing him a good weekend.

Back in her apartment she made herself a quick sandwich and settled on to the sofa. She sank back and once again the silence hit her. Instinctively she switched on the TV. She wasn't really interested in watching anything, but just liked the background noise. As she ate she found her thoughts wandering towards something that had been on her mind lately and she moved over to the table and switched on her laptop. Lately she had been researching the possibility of artificial insemination with donor sperm. She had never imagined willingly becoming a single mum, but she had no man in her life and her so-called biological clock was ticking after all. Adoption had already proved an unlikely avenue and for some reason at the time she hadn't even considered insemination, but after reading a little about it lately, it did seem like the most feasible route to becoming a mother. Of course the prices were somewhat off-putting, but maybe she would be one of the lucky ones who could get pregnant quickly and thus relatively inexpensively? As far as she was aware she didn't have any fertility issues, other than the lack of male partner anyway. Of course there was her age to consider, but she was fit and healthy and her menstrual cycle was still regular, although shorter than it had been in her younger days. Still she saw no reason why she shouldn't assume she could get pregnant.

She opened up the browser and once again looked up the site she had been reading the other day: a fertility hospital in the city, not too far away from her place. She read through some of the testimonials again, especially those from people in situations similar to hers. Then, impulsively she scribbled down the phone number and stared at it. Why not give them a ring in the morning and make an appointment? It didn't mean she had to go through with anything? It would just be a consult; finding out her options and seeing what might be possible. Where was the harm in that?

She returned to the couch, this time with a small glass of wine. She placed her free hand to her stomach, trying to imagine what it would be like to have a life growing and moving inside her. Would it really be fair to bring a child into the world though given the nature of her job? She couldn't really imagine transferring to a different department. Maybe she would have to consider it though? She doubted she would be able to afford to go part time and then there was the cost of childcare to consider. Could she really do this by herself? What choice did she have though? It was either that, or she would have to accept she would be childless forever.

By the end of her second glass of wine, she had made the decision. She would ring in the morning and make the appointment. It really was now or never. As she placed the remainder of the wine in the fridge she smiled as she thought how very soon her nightcap might have to be a thing of the past. Then she headed towards the shower, excited, but nervous, for what the new day might bring.