Title: Moving On?
Chapter 1 – A Rush to Judgement?

Summary: Danny Reagan's life has been forever altered by a horrific accident. How will he move on? How can he help his boys move on? How will the three of them adjust to their new situation? Will they succeed or will Danny Reagan fall apart – for good?

Disclaimer: Everything from Blue Bloods belongs to CBS and well not me lol I only own my muse (Alice love her!) and the ideas and any OCs that might pop up (which in name are only coincidence if they match anyone reading and not intentional!)

A/N: Okay so…yeah this was a tough outline to write and of course it's still evolving as the season progress. I want this to be canon – not AU so the basic plot of what is happening on the show will be used for this story but the rest will be ours (me and my dear muse Alice) and stuff you see in eppies will be woven into this. So…here we go!

May 28th

'I'm sorry Danny…Linda…she died. There was an accident. She was airlifting a patient and the helicopter crashed. It was a combination of the bad weather, the darkness and inclement weather. There were no survivors.'

'What? No…she just texted me,' Danny insisted as he pulled his phone and looked at the text from his wife that told him she was going to be on an airlift transport for an elderly male patient and she'd tell him all about it later. But when he looked at the time he realized it was hours ago. 'But…this…this can't be…THIS CAN'T BE!'

'I'm sorry. There was nothing we could do.'

'Doc…no she…she can't be okay. She can't. She…we talked today…earlier today but…I need to see her. I need…my wife is okay…look I need to see her right now. NOW.'

'Okay…come with me…'

Danny entered the quiet room in the hospital morgue and felt his breath catch as he neared the gurney where his wife's body lifelessly lay.

Just as he neared her and gazed upon her pale, lifeless expression, her eyes opened and she uttered three words – 'help me Danny!'

Present Day

"AHHHHH!" Danny gasped as his eyes snapped open at the nightmarish image and he awoke in a heated sweat. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed he had shared with his wife for a few weeks after their house had burnt down – purposely set ablaze by the Cartel as a warning for Danny not to pursue them – a warning he took seriously. He figured after that they'd just borrow some space in his father's home until they had found one that was just right and then move on.

However, that plan never came true. His wife's untimely death forced him to create an emotional shell around himself that he so far hadn't the courage or strength to break free from. Truth was…he didn't want to. He wanted to dwell in emotional obscurity and so far…he'd done a pretty good job; much to everyone else's chagrin.

Danny leaned over the small bedside table and pulled open a small drawer and retrieved a piece of beige cardstock and then looked at it with a teary gaze. He closed his eyes as the picture of Linda on the front of the funeral handout danced before his subconscious and tore into his heart as he was forced back into another tormented memory.

June 3rd

The skies of the day of the funeral were overcast and that seemed to fit the mood of the entire family – but for Danny the day wasn't dark enough. His soul was dark and after the funeral service for his beloved wife, which everyone said was beautiful, he just stood by her gravesite in the rain and stared at her tombstone with an anguished gaze.

Linda Reagan…wife, mother…died on May 28th…

He didn't even realize he was soaked through to the bone until his father came to his side with an umbrella and coat and then mechanically turned him toward the waiting SUV.

'Can't go…'

'We have to Danny. You're wet and shivering and cold. It's time to go now. You can come back tomorrow.'

Danny just shook his head and clenched his fists as he got into the back of the SUV and offered his sons a blank expression.

'Can't believe mom's gone…' one of them whispered as both leaned on either side of their father's cold frame; looking for a bit of emotional solace. None would be forthcoming. And that would be detrimental to them all.

Present Day

"Why…why the hell didn't you…" Danny's voice caught as he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head as he reminded himself that it wasn't Linda's fault that she was in that helicopter…it was his fault for working late and her trading her shift to the later one…for him!

'Linda Reagan died a hero in the line of duty when the helicopter she was in crashed into…'

"Stop it! Stop…just stop it!" Danny hissed as his pounded one closed fist into the palm of the other one to try to get his emotions under control while in a private setting before he emerged into public. Gotta be strong for the boys…gotta be strong…gotta be strong…his brain chanted over and over as he slowly pushed himself up and looked at his haggard reflection in the mirror and offered himself a small curse.

"There he is…" Henry greeted Danny with a smile and a mug of coffee.

"Thanks," Danny answered slowly as he took the mug and headed for the fridge. But just as he reached it, he paused and looked at a picture of his family on the fridge door and stopped dead in his tracks. Before Henry could say something, Danny's fist covered the picture and crushed it in his palm before Henry could stop him.

"That's mine," Henry plainly told him.

"Not anymore."

"You can't get rid of all photo's Danny."

"Why not!" He hissed with his back still to his grandfather. "We don't need the reminders that…"

"Reminders of happy memories? Being a widower is…"

"Something for old people!" Danny shot back just as Frank entered the room and looked at his son with pursed lips and instantly his heart sunk. "Look I didn't mean…."

"Linda was too young to die," Frank acknowledged as Danny leaned against the fridge and looked down at the crumpled picture in his grasp. "Mary was too young."

"Betty would have said she was too young at 93," Henry added as Frank cast his father a tender smile.

"It's not fair…just not fair."

"Death is never fair," Frank told his son kindly as he neared. "Have you…gone to see Dr. Jenkins?" Frank inquired, referring to the NYPD department psychiatrist Dr. Oliver Jenkins.

"No. What's there to talk about?" Danny directly challenged his father. "I know what happened and I don't think rehashing it is going to bring her back. Right?"

"Danny…that's not why you go and talk to a professional."

"Why then, because I have to?"

"Part of it," Frank tried to reason in return. "And, partly to help you properly channel those emotions you keep bottled up inside."

"I don't need therapy," Danny deadpanned as his father's expression softened. "I'll do what I have to and that's it. She's gone and…and I gotta go."

"Danny…"

"The boys need me to be…look the last thing they need to see if me going to therapy and thinking that I can't keep it together. How the hell would I be able to help them if I can't help myself right?"

"Danny…" Henry tried this time.

"No I uh…I gotta go," Danny huffed as he pulled away and headed for the bottom of the stairwell. "Boys! Let's move!"

He heard a few grumbles from upstairs as he turned and looked at his father and grandfather. "She'd want us just to go on right?"

"Talking about her isn't wrong. She'd want that. Linda died a hero, Danny and that was recognized but first and foremost she was a wife and mother."

"I know…I uh…we'll find a place soon. Just…okay let's go!"

Frank watched his two beloved grandsons emerge with glum faces that instantly tried to perk up as Danny had done and he knew, that much like his son, they too were hurting inside – missing their mother and not knowing how or what to say in front of anyone, especially their father. As much as he wanted to bring it up in front of them all, he had already done that on a few occasions and it hadn't turned out pleasant for anyone. He'd let it go this time – but he would bring it up again; knowing that it was emotionally dangerous for them to keep it all bottled inside.

"He's going to blow one of these days," Henry commented as Frank nodded in silent agreement.

"He'll go to therapy but unless he actually opens up, it'll be a wasted hour," Frank uttered gravely. "He needs some tough love."

"We can give him that," Henry mused as Frank reached for his jacket. "Is he back on full active duty yet?"

"He tries and then…blows up at something and stops. He cuts his shifts so he can pick up Sean from the high school and then off to the college to get Jack. Those aren't bad things in themselves and I'm glad he wants to be there for them but…but he needs to…damn I don't know what to tell him."

"Give him another few weeks and see what happens. If he keeps this up, we might have to show him some tough love and by that I mean find him his own home," Henry told Frank firmly.

"It might come to that."

XXXXXXXX

Danny dropped Sean off and then pulled away from the curb and headed for the college where his son Jack attended.

"I don't mind taking the bus," Jack mentioned as they neared the parking lot.

"Too old to have your old man drop you off in front of your friends?" Danny gently ribbed as Jack's brow furrowed. "Yeah I guess…it's been long enough huh."

"Mom let us take the bus on our own."

"Yeah I know. You're grown up and…I get it," Danny nodded as his lips pursed. "I just…I've missed a lot you know…."

"And now you want to make up for lost time?" Jack interjected. His words made Danny's face instantly sting and his expression was etched in pain. "Sorry."

"Now…I get it. Do you and your brother uh…well ever resent I wasn't home enough?" Danny dared to ask. For a few seconds he could see his son waffle with an answer and his heart drooped. "I get it."

"Okay well…I think we just got it. Grampa….great grampa….yeah we just got it."

"But I should have been home more."

"Mom wasn't mad about it if that's what you mean," Jack stumbled on his words.

"Yeah…I know," Danny huffed as he offered his son a tight lipped smile. "Enjoy classes."

"Okay. Bye dad."

"Bye."

Danny watched his eldest take his leave and then leaned back in his car and felt a small lump of emotion form in his throat. 'Mom wasn't mad…we just got it…' the words continued to sting his soul and then attack his brain as he slowly directed his Jeep toward the precinct.

And much like the other mornings when he had arrived, his mood was sour and withdrawn.

"Kids are mad at me," Danny mentioned to Baez as he sat across from her at their desks. "Jack…he won't say it but uh…but I think they blame me for her death."

"Her death was an accident Danny, they know that. They're old enough to understand the facts."

"She was…she changed her shift because I had to work late and…and if I wasn't then…then she wouldn't have been on shift to take that helicopter ride and…was my fault."

"You couldn't have known, " Baez implored. "Why don't we dig up a cold case and…"

"No she…she would still be here. Was my fault," Danny insisted as his stomach tightened.

"She would never want you to blame yourself."

"She hated my job!" Danny hissed; his voice slightly rising so that Baez pursed her lips. He looked around with a distraught glance before he looked back at his partner and exhaled heavily. "Had I been an accountant or…plumber or…what?" He stopped and asked in sarcasm as she offered him an amused chuckle.

"You wouldn't have lasted."

"Yeah but I would have been home at a normal time. Had a regular, normal schedule and had…a normal life and now…now I'm a widower and that's…that's just wrong. Told my old man that that was the term for old people."

"Ouch."

"Yeah…I know," Danny grimaced as he leaned back in his chair and looked at her thoughtfully. "After the House burnt I uh…I shoulda done something."

"Like what?"

"I don't know just…something," Danny shook his head as a worried expression instantly etched itself onto his partner's face. "Something."

"Danny…" she started in a worried tone.

"No I just…I shoulda done something more. Be there for them…you know be there for them more or…or just something," Danny told her as he leaned forward and then shook his head. "But I can do that now. I'm done here."

"What?" Baez asked in shock as he slowly stood up and looked down at her with a broken expression. "Danny you can't be…" she started only to stop as he slowly pulled back his coat and retrieved his gun and then his badge. "Don't do this…"

"Shoulda done this a while ago."

"Danny…"

"She's dead because of me and now…now I owe it to my boys to be there for them instead of making them orphans." And before Baez could say another word he lay down his gun and his shield on his desk and looked at her with a determined but remorse-filled expression.

"I quit."

A/N: I did waffle on the timing but I assumed that from the time of their house burning down, Linda would have died shortly thereafter and they were in Frank's house until the end of the eppy when the family got the house for them (b/c the therapist said a few months of rather useless therapy for Danny). So wanted to do sort of a filler chapter before the events of the eppy and then onward with their "NEW" life and hope that's okay. So…yes this one is going to have lots of Danny angst and hope that's okay so please do review before you go and thanks so much!

PS: so in the show and on various sites Danny's shrink is just called…'Doc' but after watching him it was kinda eerie for me b/c my OC from my Wilder story was Dr. Day who lost his wife 10 years ago also! Weird‼ and as much as he did remind me of Dr. Day in that he pushed Danny to confess and open up and offered Danny some tough love, my OC was in another timeframe so I made another OC (Oliver Jenkins) and while I tried to keep them separate they sound – similar. Hey blame the show not me lol