Ok. I'm posting this story, as you can see. Why am I posting it? Because I need some constructive criticism on my writing. Please review this story and others of mine if you have time. That's kind of the whole point of me writing stories. Sorry I had to take the last one down; there were a few problems with it. I hope it's better now; I don't want to take it down again!
I stared at the boy on the train. He must've been about 16 or so. He had relatively feminine features, including pretty purple eyes. He had very short black hair, with long green dreadlocks at the top, held off his face by a black headband. He wore the uniform of West Bluebird Boys' College, which consisted of a white collared t-shirt, long grey pants, a red and blue striped tie, and a black blazer with red and blue crest on the breast pocket. This boy, however, did not wear his blazer. His tie was loose, and his shirt had the top 3 buttons undone. His shoes were scuffed, and the bottoms of the pants were muddy. He carried a black satchel with 2 letters and 1 word on it; W.J, and ENVY. He had green headphones on, connected to an iPhone. I could hear a dull, continuous thump of a strong beat, perhaps dubstep? His legs were crossed as he stood, and his hands were shoved deep into his pockets. His head was bobbing ever so slightly in time with the dull beat, and his lips were moving softly. His left foot was bobbing, just like his head. He was alone, unlike me.
"Sam! Samantha! Hello?" I jumped, my eyes meeting the ones of my friend, Ruth. Her big blue eyes were framed by her dark lashes. Her pale skin hosted soft pink cheeks, framed by soft ringlets of light blonde hair. Her tiny body was covered by our school uniform, the uniform of West Bluebird Girls' College. It consists of a tight white collared t-shirt, a red bow at the neck, a black blazer, a short dark grey skirt, long white socks, and black shoes. The blue school emblem is embroidered onto the breast pocket, and it is, overall, a rather flattering uniform. Ruth clicks her fingers again. I jump. Again.
"Sorry, Ruth. Did you-did you see the guy over there?" I motion with my eyes for Ruth to look. She looks, and scowls.
"Sam, that's William Jealous. He's the school bad boy. He dyed his hair green and got a weirdo nickname just to annoy people." Ruth scoffed, glaring out the train window. I stared at her.
"What's his nickname?" I stare at Ruth as her head snaps towards me, eyes wide.
"It's printed on his bag! He has designed himself to look like that, just so he fits his nickname! His nickname has the same meaning as his last name! Do you live under a rock? How can you not know this?" Ruth whispered loudly, and I rolled my eyes.
"Alright. But what IS his nickname?" I glanced at William, captured by his good looks. Ruth groaned and rolled her eyes. My eyes spotted the name on his satchel again, and it clicked.
"His name is-"I cut Ruth off, staring at his bag.
"Envy." I gasped slightly as William looked up at me. His lips stopped moving, his foot and head stopped bobbing, and his eyes lost their happiness and gained some kind of danger, as if this is a boy not to be around. I didn't cringe under his deadly gaze, but Ruth did. Instead, I glared back at him. A single eyebrow was raised by him, and a slight, crooked smile was given. He then returned to his previous position, enjoying his music.
"Ok, whoa. I'm getting off next stop. Every woman for herself, girl!" Ruth grabbed her bag and hugged it to her chest, eyes wide. I sighed, and stared at her again.
"How come I've never seen him before?" I whisper to Ruth, who smirks.
"He's only been here for 3 weeks. I often see him on the train, and I think he gets off at your stop, babes." Ruth jumps up as the train pulls into the station, leaving me alone. I jumped as William sat in the now vacant seat across from me.
"Hey."
I got off the train hurriedly at my stop, forgetting momentarily about what Ruth had said. But when William, or should I say "Envy", got off at the same stop as me, it got hurled back in my face. I felt like running. He had made a one-sided conversation with me for the 8 stops I had without Ruth, leaving me certain that this boy was a psychopath and needed to be locked up for the safety of himself and everyone around him.
"Oi, Sam! Wait up!" I flinched as William ran up to me.
"Go away, William."
"It's Envy."
"Not to me."
William sighed, but kept walking with me. He smelt like pancakes and honey, which was nice. He looked really cute when viewed by profile. His nose was cute, he had a good chin, and his purple eyes were pretty and held a hint of an Asian heritage. His hair, despite being in dreadlocks, was soft and tickled my cheek lightly. He was about my height, but way skinnier, and looked like he had almost no muscle anywhere on his body. He was like a twig.
"Why are you staring at me?" I snapped out of my observant daydream, finding William staring at me. I didn't blush or look away, I just shrugged.
"I guess I'm just trying to see if I've met or seen you before, if you don't mind." I looked away when he didn't answer. This boy had a dangerous aura around him, one that made me think he would stab me as we walked or something. I gasped suddenly as a hand grabbed my shoulder. I turned to face William, eyes wide. He was smiling slightly, the same smile he wore while looking at me on the train.
"This is my house. You should catch the 7:40 train with me in the morning." William turned into a small, average looking house, and shut the door. I shook my head, and walked as fast as I could to my house. 2 block. He lived 2 blocks away from me. I walked into my house, locking the door behind me.
"You're home, finally." I jumped, and turned to face my step-mum, Lucile. I let out a long breath, and dropped my bag into the box by the door. Lucile rolled her eyes, carrying Markus, my half-brother.
"Hey, Markie!" I cooed at the baby, who giggled and grabbed my finger. He looked just like my dad, even though he was barely 1 year old. Lucile smiled.
"Your dad is in the kitchen; he's cooking dinner." Lucile and I walked into the kitchen to find my dad cooking a rather fantastic smelling meal. I frowned. Usually, dad only cooked beans or soup or something. Why was he cooking actual food now?
"Hey, Sam. We're having guests over tonight. A new family moved into the neighbourhood recently, so Lucile and I decided to invite them over. They have a boy around your age, and another about 10 or so. The boys live with their older sisters." My dad grinned happily, and I smiled too.
About an hour later, the doorbell rang. I was wearing nice, green top and black jeans, nothing too nice. I opened the door, and came face to face with 2 beautiful women and a small boy. The boy had a mechanic leg and arm, and was using a crutch. He had long black hair, and was wearing black shorts and a grey t-shirt. One woman had long brown hair, and was wearing a light blue work skirt and jacket over a white top and a dark red tie. She looked sleepy, yet happy to be here. The other woman wore a revealing top, along with a pair of fitting jeans. She had long, wavy black hair, and very familiar eyes. All 3 of the people had purple eyes. No, wait, a fourth person was trudging along behind the group. A familiar boy with green dreadlocks. I smiled at the 2 women and the boy, inviting them in. I turned back to William as Lucile took over with the hospitalities.
"William?" I gasped, looking at the teenager. He had the same headband on, but he wore a tight black tank top with a high neck, tight black pants, black fingerless gloves, and black boots. His hands were shoved into his pockets and he looked away with a scowl. I couldn't help but let out a tiny giggle. Big mistake.
"What are you laughing at?" I gasped for air as William's forearm pressed against my neck. He had me pinned against the outside wall of the house. I kicked out at him, but he didn't let me go. He grunted, and pulled out a pocket knife. I tried to scream, but it came out as a husky, high-pitched wheeze. The dark haired woman ran from the house and yelled at William, pushing him away.
"Get off her, Envy! We're in public; you can't behave like that! Be nice! You've been doing so well up till now; you've only killed 2 people and injured 7. Come on, Envy. Be nice to pretty girls." The woman grabbed all of William's dreadlocks, causing him to moan in pain.
"Geddof, you crazy b-uh, I mean sorry, Solaris. Won't happen again." William grumbled, and this lady, Solaris, nodded curtly. Her eyes softened as she glanced at me.
"I'm so sorry; he was released from a psychiatric ward a short while ago. And don't worry; he hasn't actually killed or injured anyone. It's a family joke. You wouldn't get it. Sorry again about his behaviour. I can get Trisha to take him home, if you'd like." Solaris kept a firm grip on William's arm; he seemed absolutely powerless against her, despite the massive strength he'd shown against me. I shook my head, smiling warmly.
"It's fine. But if he does it again, if you wouldn't mind."
"Of course, Sam."
I freeze. How does this woman know my name?
"You're father told me all about you and your brother over the phone. I believe your step-mother is very close to you." Solaris dragged William inside, and I followed. This woman was so…charismatic. And beautiful. Wait, what was I thinking? I shook my head, and went over to Lucile.
"Uh, Lucile, can I go up to my room for 10 or so minutes? I really need some alone time." I whispered to Lucile, who nodded. I walked up the stairs, and then sprinted into my room. I slammed the door behind me, and turned around. Sliding down the door, I closed my eyes.
"So, this is your room, huh?" My eyes snapped open, and I stared at the figure on my bed.
"Y'know, you like the same sorta stuff as me. Dubstep, Techno, Alternative, Loud, Different, Dark, Awesome. Also, you like chocolate." William lay on my bed, one earphone in his ear, one in mine. I was sitting next to him, not talking.
"William, you should put down my diary before I break your skinny arms." I hit the pause button on my iPod, causing William to sit up, scowling.
"It's Envy. Put the music back on, or I'll break your fat little arms." I hear the menacing growl behind my head, and smirk.
"Fine, Envy. I'll put the music back on, if you put my diary down and don't touch it again." I turn and smile at his furious face, and I swear I've never seen anyone look so angry. His face calms and he nods. I turn on the music, and hands me the small black book.
"I don't get why you're so defensive. You've written a lot about Ruth and almost 3 pages on me, though. Do you happen to like me?" I stiffen as I feel soft, fluffy dreadlocks tickling my cheek. I turn, and my eyes widen. William's-no, Envy's-face is barely 3 inches from my own.
"No." I hear him giggle. His breath is sweet, and his teeth are white. His lips are pale, but they look smooth and moist.
"Do you find me…attractive?" I blush, angry.
"No!"
"Then why are you being defensive, eh?"
"I'm NOT being def-" I shut up, realising how that sounded. Envy smirks, his breath hitting me again. He still smells like pancakes.
"Well, why don't we put you to the test?" Envy grins, his eyes narrowed. I raise an eyebrow, and Envy smirks again. He leans slightly closer, and I don't take the initiative to move. Stupid me.
The palm tree (where did I pull that from) stopped my breathing again-but in a completely different manner. I'm just going to say that his lips taste pretty good, and pretty soon we were kissing passionately. We broke apart, both needing air. Envy was panting softly. He grinned.
"You pass the test. You like me." He leaned back, grinning. I rolled my eyes.
"Piss off. What the hell are you even doing in my room and shy didn't I ask you that before, you palm tree?" I scowled at him, and watched as he froze, his face falling.
"P-palm tree?!" This voice is weak, and he sounds almost scared. I frown.
"Erm, you ok?" I stood up, and sat on the bed. I watched in horror as a small tear fell off his eyelashes, dropping into his cheek. He blinked, and stood up.
"I'm going downstairs." He started towards the door, but I grabbed his arm.
"No, you're not. It was just a joke, Will-I mean, Envy." I held his arm firmly, yet he made no move to escape. I breathed out.
"Envy, you kissed me, and then seemed pleased with the conclusion that I like you. Which, admittedly, I may a little bit. The thing is, I've only known you for about 5 or 6 hours, and in that time you've scared off my best friend, sat with me on a train, walked me almost all the way home, told me to catch the train with you in the morning, almost killed me, snuck into my bedroom, and made out with me! And what have I done to you? Let's see. Stared at you on the train. Been polite. Let you into my home and my flippin' bedroom. Let you listen to my music and read my diary. Kissed you back. And, of course, called you a palm tree. I think I can safely say that we've passed the first 5 or so barriers. Maybe even the 7th. What I'm actually trying to say is, do you think it would be better to declare ourselves a couple now, or get to know each other more first?" I let go of his arm, and he smirked. He did that a lot.
"How would we get to know each other better? I've read your diary, we know where each other lives, we've already had a pash-fest, and I've read your diary. What more is there?" I stared at Envy, and smirked back at him.
"For starters, phone numbers. Second, I read your diary. Third, more talking."
"Meh. I think we can skip the formalities." I gasped slightly as Envy's lips met mine, more gently that the first time. I was surprised to find that our lips moved in perfect synch, and that out tongues entwining seemed to be perfection. He tasted like honey, but not in the way of "he's just eaten honey", more like a natural body scent, or one caused by soaps or powder.
Envy and I wrapped our arms around each other, and we went and sat on the bed. Soon, we stopped kissing, and lay side by side on my single bed, pressed up against the wall by the window. Envy kissed the top of my head, smiling softly.
"Hmm. I like having a girlfriend. And not for show. As a person I can talk to, share my secrets with, and hang out with. And, of course, make out with." I snuggled into Envy's side, surprised at how well we got along. But then I heard someone clomping up the stairs. I gasped, and told Envy to sit at my desk and read a book, quickly. I lay on my bed with my music going, eyes closed.
"Sam? Samantha, are you ok in there? You've been half an hour; dinner's being served. And, uh, can you find William, or Envy, or whatever his name is, please? Solaris is getting antsy." Lucile spoke through the door, not bothering to open it.
"M'kay."
As Envy and I sat down for dinner, Curtis, the one with the fake arm and leg, asked me a rather strange question before giving me some rather strange information, and earned himself a rather strange look from Envy.
"Hey, is Envy your boyfriend?" I choked on my dinner slightly. Envy looked at me oddly, chewing a mouthful of bread. I clear my throat, and cough.
"No, Curtis. Envy and I only met today."
"Do you know why he's called Envy?"
"Uh…probably not."
"He gets jealous easily. Also, he has a very sensitive ego, so don't insult him. I'm called Wrath, because it's easy to make me angry. But I usually stay calm. Solaris is called Lust, because she has heaps of boyfriends, and she tosses them all aside after a few free dinners and movies. And Mama is called Sloth because she is really tired and a bit lazy." And with that, Curtis-or should I say, Wrath-nearly inhaled his dinner. Trisha (Sloth) was eating slowly and carefully. Solaris (Lust) ate quickly, yet neatly, while Envy obviously didn't care about mess; not unlike me.
"Is your hair black or brown?" Envy stared at my messy, boyish hair. It was black, and I told him so. I also had to clarify that my big, dark-lashed eyes were in fact green, and not grey. My pale skin, nice figure, and pretty face were all things that Curtis pointed out, and Envy agreed with.
"So, Envy, how old are you exactly?" I narrowed my eyes at the dreadlocked boy, who chewed his food, staring at the wall.
"I'm 16 next Thursday. You?"
"16 in 2 months."
"Cool."
Curtis finished his food, and almost all the unclaimed food. Trisha (Curtis' "mama") ate slowly and carefully, yet food still managed to smear itself around her glossed lips. Solaris ate fast, but uncannily neatly. Envy ate like a normal teenage boy.
"So, William-"
"It's Envy."
"Right. Envy, what's school like? Do you go to West Bluebird Boys College?" My dad smiled at Envy, yet his eyes were glued to his dreadlocks.
"Yeah, I go there. I catch the train home with Sam. WB is a brilliant school. Lots of warfare and they have sports like wrestling, boxing, and heaps of martial arts. The actual academic part is pretty awesome, too. I've already been placed top of the class. I'm smarter than I seem." Envy smiled at my dad, eyes hard while he noticed that his hair was grabbing some attention.
"Who wants more mashed potato?"
Alright, let me know what you think!
I know, Envy is really OOC, but trust me, there's a reason. And remember, this is a Teenager AU, so maybe a bit of a slice-of-life style. With war and bloodshed making Envy happy.