NARUTO'S THEORY OF SASUKE OR WHY KAKASHI-SENSEI SHOULD NOT READ HIS PERVERTED PORN BOOKS TO NARUTO AS PUNISHMENT FOR PULLING PRANKS
Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own. Otherwise this would actually be in the anime and not on Fanfiction.
"He's a vampire."
As Naruto often came out with inane comments, it took Sakura several seconds for what Naruto said to process through her head. Turning on the bar stool to face him, she cocked her head.
"Huh?"
"Sasuke." Naruto clarified, waving around his chopsticks.
They were sitting at Ichiraku, for their usual weekly meeting to 'discuss matters that should be brought to Kakashi sensei's attention, and how best to attempt that.' She and Naruto always arrived before Sasuke, Naruto because, well, it was Ichiraku and ramen and the only thing that got him to anything earlier was Kakashi sensei teaching them some new technique that he could use to whoop Sasuke bastard's butt with, and Sakura on the off chance that Naruto was late, Sasuke was early and she could pretend it was a date. It hadn't happened yet, but then they hadn't expected Sasuke to ever agree to this in the first place, so it could. Maybe. One day in the far distant future.
"Sasuke-kun...is a vampire."
"Yep."
Sakura turned back to her ramen - miso, with pork and one Naruto on top, no matter how weird it sounded to ask for it- and broke apart her chopsticks.
"So, I think we should ask Kakashi-sensei to teach us some advanced genjutsu techniques this week, cause honestly, I was talking to Ino the other day and she says that Shino managed to trap her in one for three hours, and the last time we were exposed to genjutsu was during that bell test."
"But...Sasuke's a vampire! We can't be thinking about genjisu when there's a blood-sucking fiend from the depths of depravity wondering around looking for innocent virgins to ravish!"
"Genjutsu Naruto. Gen -Ju-Tsu. And Sasuke-kun is not a vampire." Though she wouldn't mind the ravishing part.
"Yes he is."
"No he's not."
"Yes he is."
"No, he is not."
"Yes he is."
"Yes, who's what?"
The boy in question raised one well-trained eyebrow when Sakura blushed a bright pink and Naruto shoved his hands down his pants. Make that two well-trained eyebrows.
"Dobe..." he asked slowly, taking his seat between the two of them. "What are you doing?"
"I know who you are." Naruto hissed, hands clamped firmly on his arse.
Sasuke dropped one eyebrow, and grunted. It roughly translated to ' I should hope so, as we've been classmates for six years and team-mates for several months.'
Sakura sighed and bopped Naruto on the head.
" So, I was thinking..."
****
It wasn't fair, Naruto decided as he trod along the streets of Konoha. Shark-men could exist, giant toads that smoked pipes and abused you could exist, super-perverts could exist, but vampires? Psh! There was something very wrong if a despicable monster from the underworld could walk about in broad daylight and have the very people he was going to corrupt worship him. Naruto was pretty sure there was some law against that somewhere.
Of course, he knew better. After Kakashi-sensei took him aside and read one of his very special orange books- which was awesome, because it was orange and well, it's not like Naruto could go a buy it in a bookshop- Naruto finally figured out who Sasuke Uchiha was. Or what he was to be exact. Which was a vampire.
It all made sense, he nodded to himself. The cold skin, the pale complexion, the dislike of anything happy and cheerful- ie, him- the penchant to wear depressing clothes and the sulking. Oh, the sulking. There was probably some vampire-y competition somewhere that gave prizes on who could sulk the most and still look good doing it. Not that Sasuke looked good sulking. He just looked like a bastard with a kunai shoved up his arse.
Well, Naruto would just have to figure out how to convince the rest of Konoha of the truth that was walking right under their collective noses. Couldn't be that hard. Right?