iWant You To Know
It was a great day, not unlike most of them recently. I had a morning doctor's appointment to make sure everything was ok with my baby as I entered the sixth month. The doctor informed me that I was healthy and so was my baby. It was a relief to know that my pregnancy was going so well and because of that, I felt I deserved a little reward. It was cold outside but I still wanted a smoothie. So, I went to the Groovy Smoothie that was near my house. In recent years the franchise had expanded all the way down the west coast. T-Bo had been named entrepreneur of the year for three straight years and Freddie even had a small stake in the company. I walked in and headed to the counter to order. Just as I completed my order, I heard someone call my name from behind me.
"Sam. Sam. Is that you?"
I recognized the voice but I hadn't heard it in almost two years. I took a deep breath and turned around.
"Oh my God, Derek!" I said as I hugged him. "I thought you were in New York. What are you doing in Cupertino?"
He was wearing a full suit and his facial hair was perfectly groomed. His smile was still genuine and his teeth were almost supernaturally straight. He looked just like he did the last time I saw him.
"Well, I was in New York working at the district attorney's office, but about six months ago I got a huge opportunity back here on the west coast."
"What was this huge opportunity?" I asked with curiosity.
"I'll tell you." He said cracking a smile. "But let's sit down. You clearly don't need be standing up for long periods of time."
I realized he was talking about the fact I was visibly pregnant and an uneasy feeling set in. I was no stranger to awkward situations, but I could empathize with how seeing your ex-girlfriend six months pregnant would feel.
I was starting my final semester at Washington University and it had been a year and a half since I had seen or heard from Freddie. I spent most of my time alone because I felt alone. Freddie was gone. Carly was on her TV show and Melanie despised me. So, I really didn't have any interpersonal contact with anybody. But at that time, I found myself less angry and more cold and distant. I still worked at the Groovy Smoothie on campus and my co-workers hated me. T-Bo saw the change in my behavior over the last year and a half and would try and counsel me on getting past it, but it fell on deaf ears. His cousin worked there. I had known him since I was a freshman. He played basketball for the university and was studying law. One evening I was being rude to a customer and he pulled to the side.
"What do you want Derek?"
"Why do you have such a bad attitude? You're too pretty for that."
"What did you just say to me?"
"Uh, I think you heard me and you know what else?"
"What?" I said rolling my eyes.
"You're going on a date with me tomorrow night."
"Oh yeah, why would I do that?"
"Because you have been mean to everybody for over a year and frankly I'm tired of it. We are going to go somewhere to blow off some steam. So, I will be at your place tomorrow at seven to pick you up."
"Good luck with that. I'm not telling you where I live."
"I already know Sam."
"How? Are you some kind of stalker or something?"
"No, remember during our sophomore year when I had to drive you, Freddie and… What was that brunette girl's name that was visiting?"
"Carly."
"That was Carly? She looks different. Anyway, I had to drive all of you home because you guys got wasted at the Tri-Delt party. So I know where you live."
"Whatever dude. If I say yes, will you leave me alone?"
"Yes I will. Also I need your number." He said sarcastically while flashing his smile.
"Ok then. Here's my number and yes I will go." I said giving in.
"Awesome. I'll see you tomorrow."
The rest of the night came and went. The next day was no different. I was off from work, so I went home right after class. I curled up on my couch and watched TV. Periodically I would check my phone to see if he called and to check the time. The phone read 6:57 when I heard a knock at the door. I laid there silent hoping Derek would just go away.
"Sam I know you're in there. Your car is here."
"Go away Derek."
"No can do. A dates a date."
"I don't want to go out with you."
"Fine. If you don't open the door, I will be forced to serenade you and the rest of your neighbors with one of my favorite songs: "Living on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi."
I stayed silent for several moments listening to see if he left.
Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck
"Oh my God." I said with embarrassment.
It's tough, so tough…..
"Stop!"
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man; she brings home her pay
For love - for love
"Unbelievable."
She says: We've got to hold on to what we've got
'Cause it doesn't make a difference
If we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love - we'll give it a shot
"Dude!"
Oooooooooooh We're half way there
Ooooh oooh Livin' on a pra-
I opened the door and pulled him in.
"I should kick your ass for that." I said with a laugh.
"But it worked on two fronts. You opened the door and you're laughing."
"Ok, yeah I opened the door, but I'm not dressed and my hairs a mess."
Derek stood there for a moment looking around the apartment. Suddenly he grabbed my baseball cap off of the counter and placed on my head. He then grabbed my hoodie and tossed it to me.
"There, you're perfect. Now we can go."
"You expect me to go out looking like this?"
"Hey, I'm just trying to offer simple solutions to simple problems." He said with a sarcastic smirk.
"Douche." I said as I stared at him. "Fine, I'll go get dressed. Where are we going anyway?"
"To the Harbor View and then what's after is a surprise."
"Well it better not be too surprising. I'm not going to sleep with you or anything."
He let out a short laugh.
"Oh Sam. You're adorable. What kind of guy do you take me for?"
"The kind with a penis."
"Alright that's it. Please get dressed so we can go." He said laughing.
I went in my bedroom to change and as I was picking out my dress and heels, it dawned on me that I was about to go out with a guy for the first time since Freddie. I was applying my makeup and doing my hair in the mirror and the butterflies began to sink in. This was really happening and part of me was glad.
Dinner was amazing and the conversation with Derek was great. I hadn't had fun in a long time. We left the restaurant and headed back to his car.
"So…."
"So, what?" He asked.
"You said you had a surprise for me." I said as I flirtatiously punched him on the shoulder.
"Oh, now you want the surprise. Well come on I'll show you."
We drove a little further down the harbor to a junk yard and I began to wonder what was going on.
"Uh… Why are we at a junk yard?"
"Just trust me. You'll like it."
We got out of the car and walked to an old lift that was scarred by years of exposure to salty air. As we rode up the lift jarred me a little and I stumbled into his arms.
"I've got you." He said staring into my eyes.
Soon after we had reached the top, we walked out onto the platform and I was left speechless by what I saw. The Seattle skyline was lit and I could see the flickering reflection in the water.
"It's gorgeous." I muttered.
I noticed two golf clubs and several buckets of balls. He walked over and turned on the radio and handed me a golf club.
"This is it Sam. This is the surprise. A place where you can come and take in the beauty of the city and hit golf balls into the harbor."
"This is great, how did you find this place?"
"Aww, that's a secret. Tell me one of your secrets and I'll tell you mine."
"Let's see. This is the first date I've been on in over a year." I said as a hit a ball.
"That's not a secret. Everybody that knows you; that cares could see that you weren't dating anyone."
"Fine, fine. You go first while I think of one"
"Ok sure. You were always my favorite on iCarly."
"What? You watched?"
"Yes, we did have computers in New York. Besides, T-Bo told me to check you guys out."
It was strange because hardly anybody mentioned the show anymore. But, I was flattered that he watched and liked me.
"Ok, my turn." I sighed and took a deep breath. "I have been afraid to even make friends since me and my ex-boyfriend broke up. It has been hell. It's like my whole life has been in a trough for the last year."
"Hey, don't feel bad. Life is a series of peaks and valleys. If you've been down lately, you're bound to come up soon." He said once again staring into my eyes. "Don't be ashamed of how you feel. Embrace it. You love hard and there is nothing wrong with that."
I turned to hit another ball. I swung hard and the ball ricocheted off the wall.
"Dammit! I guess I'm not that good at golf in heels."
Derek walked up behind me, gently pulled me close and put his hands over mine. I could smell his cologne and feel his heartbeat.
"You see Sam. Life is similar to golf. If you force things, they never go your way. However if you relax, take in your surroundings and let go things seem go more smoothly."
Upon his final words we swung the club and the ball flew straight and disappeared into the night sky. Overjoyed I turned to face him and celebrated by hugging him.
"I did it. I hit it straight." I said with jubilance.
With my arms still around his neck I pulled my head back to look at him. I could feel his arms around my waist and I looked into his eyes. Slowly I leaned in to kiss him, but at the last moment he pulled away.
"It's late. I should get you home."
Stunned, I stumbled for words.
"Wha… What just happened? Why did you stop me? I mean you take me out to a nice dinner. Then bring me up here to this ridiculously romantic place overlooking the harbor and you won't even kiss me. It's been a long time since I kissed, or did anything else for that matter with anyone. And let me tell you, you've got me going and now you just stop. What the hell?"
"If I kissed you now, I would feel like I was taking advantage of you. You just poured out your heart about how vulnerable you feel. What kind of guy would I be if took advantage of that?"
I thought for a moment and gathered myself. Although frustrated, I realized he was right. We continued to talk as he took me home and at my doorstep he leaned in and gave me a single kiss on the cheek that sent shivers down my spine.
"Goodnight Sam." He said as he got back in his car.
I walked inside a shut the door. I leaned back against it, already reminiscing about the night that was. The fact that he respected my emotional state made me want him even more. I knew Freddie was special. He was the kind of guy that comes along once in a lifetime and I would always love him. But, for the first time I was wondering if maybe I was lucky enough to find a second great guy. The date went better than I ever would have thought and it made me realize I was ready. Ready to move on. Ready to have fun again. And most of all ready to admit that I liked Derek and wanted to see him again.
Time went by and Derek and my relationship grew stronger. We never really fought or argued. Every time we did fight or argue, the makeup sex was so intense that we would forget why we argued in the first place. All of my family and friends loved him. Especially Carly. She said he was a taller, darker and less nerdy Freddie. I always laughed and shook my head when she said that. I even heard that Freddie himself liked Derek and was happy that we were happy. We finished undergrad and prepared ourselves to take on the world together as he entered law school. We had been together for almost four years before any kind of real problem began to develop.
"Sam, Sam! I have great news." He said bursting into our apartment that evening.
"Whats going on D?" I said looking up from my Pearbook.
"I just got a paid internship at one of the most prestigious law firms in the country."
"That's amazing." I said wrapping my arms around his neck. "When do you start?"
"Next month."
"Good, because you're not gonna get any sleep tonight." I said with a grin.
"Oh and why is that?" He asked flirtatiously.
"Because I'm going to fuck you senseless tonight and its going to take at least a week for you to recover."
"Damn, that just turned me on in ways I can't even explain girl."
"Why don't you try?" I said as I pulled him into a kiss. I pushed him down on the couch and removed my shirt before mounting him. His hands were strong and searched my body, only stopping momentarily to remove my bra. I aggressively yanked his shirt popping off all the buttons.
"Awe this was one of my favorite shirts." He moaned.
"Shut the fuck up. I'll buy you a new one." I whispered as I began licking his earlobe.
We made love all night until we were literally spent. After that, we laid hugged up in bed staring at the moonlight's pattern that was cast upon the wall.
"We'll have to do that again in a hotel above Time Square." He said randomly and nonchalantly.
I knew he wanted to go home to visit his family and take me with him so I thought nothing of the statement.
"Well we're going to have to do it next year because your new job starts next month and my ad campaign project kicks into high gear in two months."
"Ok so why don't we just do it at the end of next month? I'll already be there."
"What?" I said sitting up in the bed. "I thought your new job would have started by then."
"That's why I'll be there. The internship requires that I spend the final week of every month in New York."
I hadn't thought about the prior situation with Freddie in years, but hearing that Derek was going to be gone at least part of every month took me back to that time period. I jumped out of bed cursing under my breath.
"Uh… What's going on Sam?"
I turned around with anger boiling inside of me.
"So when were you going to tell me? Before or after we fucked like animals. That's right after. Or maybe you were just going to call from New York and say: Hey babe, forgot to mention I went to New York."
He sat up with a puzzled look and his face and waited a few seconds to speak.
"Ok, there are a few things suppose I need to address. First being that we have had sex many times before. Next, it's only a week out of the month. Last, why does it matter?"
"Why does it matter? I expected you to put your bullshit logical spin on this. It matters because it does. We've talked about marriage and you want to know why it matters. It just fucking does."
"Logical." He quipped sarcastically.
I flipped him off.
"We just did that." He said with even more sarcasm. "It's just one week."
"Yeah, it starts that way. Then you'll be here less and less. And before you know it you'll leave me all together. I can't believe you're doing this shit to me Freddie!"
I cupped my hands over my mouth, but as soon as I said that name I knew I had ruined my relationship with Derek. I looked at his face in the moonlight and I could see the devastation. He was hurt too deeply for an utterance of words to capture it. So he swallowed hard, laid back down and rolled over. I got back in bed and put my arm over him and he shrugged it off. Tears began to flow and I wanted to say sorry, but I knew the words would ring hollow. So I laid there and sobbed into the pillow until I fell asleep.
The next morning arrived and Derek had already gone to put in his two-week notice at his current job. I could hear birds chirping and cars going down the road. I was mad at myself because he didn't deserve this. He didn't need to deal with my abandonment issues, especially seeing that he never actually abandoned me. I decided to go into the office that day to try and clear my mind. I got there, but was unable to concentrate. So I took the rest of the day off and went home and video chatted with Carly for advice.
"You said what, Sam!"
"I know, it was stupid and I don't know what to do." I said awaiting reassurance from Carly.
"Well at least you didn't say it while you were fucking." She said with a half smile.
I cocked my head to one side staring at here momentarily.
"Really Carly? Not helping."
"Ok, ok. All you can do is try. If he says I don't ever want to see you again you kind of deserve that. However if he is willing to work on it, then you've got to try."
I heard keys and the door knob turning.
"That's him Carly. Bye." I said quickly shutting my laptop.
He walked in and right past me to the refrigerator for some juice.
"You can't just not talk to me." I exclaimed. "Derek please talk to me."
He turned and looked at me.
"I'm sorry Sam."
"For what?" I said befuddled.
He swallowed hard and took deep breath.
"For not being able to make us work. It's over." He said bluntly.
My heart sank and I started to hyper-ventilate.
"No, no, no, it's not over we can make this work. I'm sorry. I lo-"
"Don't say it Sam. No matter how long we're are together you will still love him more."
"That's not true. Freddie and I are ancient history."
"I wish I could believe you."
"Believe me. Please. I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you."
Through our conversation Derek eventually relented and we stayed together another few months. However, things were never the same. Our conversations, sex life and general interactions were now awkward. My words had fractured the foundation of our relationship and there wasn't anything that could be done to repair it. When I looked into his eyes I could tell he was constantly wondering if I was thinking of him or Freddie. And in my guilt wrapped mind I was always worried that he was thinking just that. We parted somewhat mutually and a few months later he decided to move to New York permanently. I couldn't help but wonder if I caused the permanent relocation or if it would've happened regardless.
"You started your own firm and the Groovy Smoothie is your first big client?" I said with a smile.
"Yes and yes. We are in talks to handle some trademark cases for Pear Company too."
"That's great." I said sipping another gulp from the smoothie.
"So how have you been?" He said after a few moments of awkward silence.
"Well, as you can see, I'm pregnant and Freddie and I are getting married soon. I'm also handling the national ad campaign for Carly's show now."
I could see the subtle discomfort in his face. There a brief twitch in his eye that spoke volumes. He felt like it should've been him and the thought of the pain I caused him saddened me.
"Good for you. I'm happy for you." He said with a smile, fighting through the anguish. "Well, I have to get back to the office. It's good seeing you." He said standing up to go.
"Derek, come back."
He stopped and sat back down again. I took a deep breath before saying the words I left unsaid so long ago.
"I know that we didn't end well, but I want you to know I did love you and I'm sorry for what I said. You are a great man, I overreacted and you didn't deserve that. I will always have a spot in my heart for you. You comforted me when I needed it most and I can't express how much that means to me. I don't want you to think that you were a long rebound guy just because I wound up back with Freddie. You're so much more than that. You made me happy and you'll make some other deserving woman extremely happy one day."
He sat there and let my words sink in.
"I hope Freddie knows how lucky he is." He said standing up again.
He walked around the table and helped me up, then gave me a hug.
"I just want you to know that if we never would've ended, I never would've left you."
He smiled, turned and left the store. I stood there a few moments reflecting on what could've been. If things had been different I easily could've been carrying his child and planning a wedding to him. But fate had different plans and although he was a great guy and I will always care for him, I wouldn't trade Freddie and my unborn daughter for anything.
As I walked out to my car, I stopped to take in my surroundings. I realized that I hadn't been forcing anything in quite a while. That was something Derek taught me and I needed to bump into him today to be reminded of that.
Thank you for reading and please review.