i'm Here

A/N: Hey I know I was supposed to update my other two stories before tomorrow, but I'm adding this instead. So, sorry about my other stories, I'll get them both up next weekend or sooner. I had to put this up after the iKiss episode! What did you think about iKiss? It's my favorite episode so far! Just Freddie and Sam's facial expressions right before, during, and then after the kiss were perfect! And the way they acted at the end, the "I hate you" stuff was just denial! (And of course I loved the "Kelly Cooper Terrible Movie" Sam and Carly made during the iCarly episode. Haha, Gibby is amazing.)

Okay, this takes place a year after Sam and Freddie's kiss. It's sort of a drabble…and short for me, but I had to write it out…warning, it's depressing. :( Just assume you can see the entrance of the apartment building from Freddie's fire escape. I left lots of things vague so you can fill in the missing pieces from the year that has passed. It's in Sam's POV.

I don't own iCarly.

I'm sitting here, on the windowsill of your fire escape. It's easy for thoughts of that night to come back to me. That night when I apologized…when I was forgiven…when you suggested we get our first kiss out of the way…when we did…when I could barely walk back to Carly's because of my lightheadedness…when I realized I loved you.

You were more than just a crush at that point. When Carly and I finished the webshow, flinging meatballs at each other, you were on my mind. How could you not be? That first kiss was above any of my expectations.

Despite that we agreed to continue hating one another, I thought that that kiss had changed something between us.

First of all, how could we go back to "hating" each other? I never hated you to begin with. I was just hiding my feelings for you under insults. I'm sorry if I overdid things sometimes. I crossed the line frequently. But I thought it was our thing- we always made bets, I always won them, and we would always bicker.

You seemed to be fine with it. At first -that first year or so- you were "hurt" and complained. Then, for some reason, you seemed to enjoy our fights. You retaliated; you shot back insults that I could top, and most of all- you forgave me.

Last time I was here, you forgave me. You didn't seem hurt. After I took the blame, you even smiled at me. I told you I wouldn't break your arm if we were to get the awkwardness of our first kiss over with. You thought I just wanted to get it over with, after all, that's what I said and that's what you repeated.

I didn't really want to get it over with- I wanted to enjoy it with you. Sure, you began to suggest that we kiss, but that was after my hint I didn't think you would pick up on. I said I "wanted to stop worry about when it would come" and all that. I finished your sentence for you when you wondered if we could kiss.

But I made the mistake of asking you if we could go right back to hating each other after our kiss was over. You agreed and added that we would never tell anyone. In my nervousness I simply agreed.

Us kissing was a dream come true, I wanted to rush along to that moment. I didn't realize at the time you thought that I seriously wanted things to go back to the way they were before after the kiss. I didn't realize that you would go beyond never telling anyone- denying it even happened.

"Nice" can't even describe what I felt at that moment. But I was foolish in thinking that you also felt "nice" because of our kiss.

Previously, I asked if Valerie had thrown up after kissing you. Of course her peck on the cheek wasn't a real kiss, but I basically told you that kissing you would be an awful experience.

Later on, when you approached my kissing booth, I stared at you and stated, "…not for nine billion dollars." You answered with, "Don't worry; I don't wanna kiss you."

How ironic is it then that I ended up on this fire escape a year ago, self-consciously swinging my legs over the edge of the windowsill to leave after our kiss? I had no idea what to say so I was trying to get away from it all- find a place to think it over.

I had embarrassed myself by telling you, "Good work." You had awkwardly thanked me and said "You too." I couldn't read your expression and I'm pretty sure you couldn't have read mine. There were too many emotions running through my head.

I kept thinking over and over, "I kissed Freddie Benson." And then my thoughts switched to, "I enjoyed kissing Freddie Benson."

I tried to leave in silence; I wasn't sure how the kiss had been for you. You stopped me with a "hey". I turned around.

"I hate you." You raised your eyebrows and smirked…heck, you grinned. You were happy. Either you liked the kiss or you were happy that the kiss was over, our moment was gone, and things were back to normal. Naturally I hoped you were giddy over the kiss.

Nonetheless you told me you hated me. There was nothing more I could do than murmur, "I hate you, too." My emotions took a nosedive- on top of the world to a crash landing. And then…and then I walked away.

To say the least, I regret walking away. If only I could have known in advance what I was walking away from…

Maybe then I would have turned around and told you that I didn't hate you and I didn't want things to go back to 'normal' for us. I would have told you that I wanted to kiss you again and that I've liked you as long as I could remember.

But I'm Sam Puckett. I don't express those emotions. I walk away.

So I act totally normal the next day, besides sneaking a few extra glances at you. You don't give me a second glance. You give them to Carly.

I thought you changed. I thought I was more than just a meat-craving, use-one time-then-discard girl to you. We were friends. Emphasis on were. We should have been more after that kiss. Emphasis on should.

I wonder if any thought of me at all is running through your head. Probably not, since you're with Carly. I see you walking back from your movie holding hands. I know you can't see me up here- your eyes are on her, as if she's the only thing that matters in the world.

As you two stop to sit on that stone wall, I think to myself how cold it is up here…how hard this windowsill is…but also how much warmer and softer it would be if you were beside me.

The worst part of this is that I keep hoping that tomorrow will be different. Every day I wish that you'll confront me and say that your act has been hurting you as much as it's been hurting me.

I can't seem to rule out the possibility that there is a hope for us- that you're just coping with your feelings by playing with mine. Maybe you've just been confused. Maybe Carly honestly likes you now, though I doubt it. I don't understand why she agreed to go along to that movie. Perhaps she likes the new you…the person you've become.

You're different now; you must know that, right? We both are. You're more grown up, cuter, and yet dorkier than ever. You've managed to break out of your shell and become "cool".

I, however, hardly express any emotion when I'm not co-hosting iCarly. I haven't been happy in a long time- since I realized you weren't gonna mention our kiss.

I know the old Freddie is still in you, hiding somewhere. You know, the Freddie who cared. He's the only one who has the ability to bring the old me back.

I can see my breath out here, I should probably go inside. I'm waiting for you, though. I can hear everything you and Carly are chatting about, but it's nothing important.

I don't know what's going through your mind as you scoot closer to her. I just hope that I'm wrong as I guess what you're about to do.

I can't explain the waves of hurt…they keep crashing over me as your lips meet hers. You don't seem as enthusiastic with her; you're not leaning in as much. She's not gawking as I did, her eyes are perfectly closed.

It lasts about the same amount of time ours did. Carly smiles at you mischievously and asks how your first kiss was. She thinks this was your first.

You smile at her. Your face is not the slightly-smirking but otherwise void of emotions it was after you kissed me.

"It was fantastic." You blush.

So that's it huh? You're letting her believe that was your first kiss. You're only fooling yourself, you know. I will never forget you.

Likewise, I will forgive you if you remember I exist.

You and Carly get up, hand in hand, and approach the front door. I want to shout out to you, "In case you've forgotten- I'm here! I'm still here!"

But I don't. I hear Carly giggling at some joke you've just made. You hold the door open for her. After she enters, you follow suit. I don't know what I expected you to do…glance up at me and notice me sitting up here? Of course you wouldn't. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm here. I'm still here for you if you ever need me…

I whisper into the cold wind, "And I always will be…"

A/N: So please, please tell me what you think! Feel free to discuss iKiss as well in your review. ;)

With all my purple fuzzleness,

the-purple-fuzzle