Title: Undelivered Letters
Author's Note: Hey guys. Another Free! fic from me. I hope you like it. Well, Let's keep the chatter short, hm? These bunnies in my head have been working me to death so just go ahead and read so I can recover. More from me at the end!
This is a ONE-SHOT!
Pairing: Rin/Nitori
Rating: K+
Warnings: AU, Slight OoC, Character death
Summary: "One day," Nitori promises himself. He will give these letters to Rin. Just not yet.
Disclaimer:
I'm here to let you know that if I owned Free! there'd be a little more than just swimming going on in the pool.
' Matsuoka-senpai, this is a little difficult for me. I mean, I'm kind of bad with words but I really wanted to say this to you. Well, I guess it's more of a… confession. I should just say it. I like you. There. I'm sorry, I guess. Someone like me liking someone like you is a bit laughable, isn't it? I'm just dorky Nitori, and you're popular and a top swimmer on the swim team. It's silly. I don't expect you to like me back, but I wanted to say it. I wanted…'
Nitori lifted his pen from the paper and squinted in the dim lamplight. Was this too self deprecating? Probably. Someone like Rin was probably turned off by that negative, unconfident sort of attitude. In fact, the whole letter was awkward and unsure. Nitori sighed. Even on paper, with time to pause and consider his words, to omit and add whatever he liked, he still sounded bumbling and uncertain. Maybe he should try to be more positive. More assertive.
He frowned. Then again, was that what he wanted? To give Rin a false impression of himself? This was who he was, and if he wanted to confess, was it a good idea to give the person false assumptions? But on the other hand, he and Rin weren't strangers; they both knew each other's personalities pretty well, so maybe it wouldn't hurt to sound a bit more positive and decisive for once.
By the time Nitori had finished debating with himself, it was already past midnight and he needed to go to bed. He carefully folded the unfinished letter up and slid it inside an envelope, hiding it in his desk drawer where no one would ever read it but him.
"So what kind of girl do you like, Rin-kun?"
Nitori stiffened and buried his face a little further into his textbook. A few of them, second and third years, were supposed to be studying English together in the library, but the second years had already gotten distracted. It wasn't an unusual occurrence when they studied with Rin's friend, Seijuro. He never had been good at sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time, let alone concentrating on a foreign language.
"Eh?" Rin looked up from his notes with a puzzled smile that made Nitori's heart somersault. "Why do you want to know?"
Seijuro gave Rin a look like he was being dumb. "You only turned down the most popular girl in our year at lunch today. Kimiko-chan is a real lady. Smart, polite, pretty, elegant… big breasts." His voice lowered when he got to the last part. "If she's not your type, then who is?"
Rin's smile turned a little secretive. Nitori continued pretending to be completely engrossed in his book, as though he wasn't the slightest bit interested in what kind of person Rin went for.
"You're right, she's not my type," Rin spoke slowly, as though trying to build suspense. "She is beautiful, but my type has a little more personality. Don't you think awkward girls are much cuter? It makes your heart melt when they get shy over making mistakes, right?"
Nitori promptly knocked his book off the table and flushed bright red as a he scrambled to pick it up.
"Sorry," he mumbled as Seijuro broke into uncontrollable laughter and received a stern glare from the librarian.
"Smooth. Real smooth," he smirked, raising an eyebrow in Nitori's direction.
Nitori scowled in Seijuro's direction, but then caught sight of Rin's grin and ended up blushing again, directing his eyes back to his text.
'Dear Matsuoka-senpai,
This is the second letter I've written to you. I haven't even given you the first one yet. I plan to one day, but for now I don't have the courage. I went to your first swim meet of the season today. I still remember when you first started and I was amazed at how powerful you were. Back then, I was shy and a bit nervous. It's funny how even with a little more confidence and help from you I'm still the shy, nervous one and you're winning swim meets left and right for our team. Sometimes it's hard to believe you come to swim practice to help me, even after everyone else has left. Sometimes I feel like I'm such a nobody in the school compared to you.
It's embarrassing to say, but you're a really cool swimmer . Sometimes your eyes get a little wild-looking and it's a bit scary, but your serious face is handsome. I think everyone looks best when they're doing something they're passionate about, but Matsuoka-senpai looks…'
Nitori paused, critically eyeing what he'd just written. That was way too embarrassing to give to Rin. Then again, he didn't have to give him this letter. He could, maybe, if he got up the courage, but otherwise he could still just give him the first letter. He would definitely do that at least, some day.
He returned the nib of the pen to the paper.
' Matsuoka-senpai looks especially striking. Your happy expression when you won really makes my heart beat faster. If I could, I'd want to make sure you were always that happy, just so you could always have that look on your face.'
Embarrassing, Nitori thought as he folded the letter away into the same envelope as the first, but all true.
"Nitori!"
He heard his name as soon as his head broke the surface of the water and looked up to see Rin waiting for him on the edge of the pool with a wide grin scrunching his face.
"Aiichiro-kun," Nitori reminded him and he paddled closer, accepting the hand Rin offered him.
"That takes too long to say," Rin told him flippantly as he pulled him from the pool. "That's the point of having an easy first name. 'Nitori' is so quick and snappy. It rolls off the tongue easier."
Nitori rolled his eyes and flicked water at Rin, who squawked and tried to give him a dirty look around his smile. It didn't work too well.
"Got any plans for tonight?" Rin asked. "Any hot dates?"
"N… not, uh no. No plans," Nitori stuttered as they headed for the changing room. "Why?"
"Then I guess that means you have time for a date with me," Rin beamed, and Nitori grabbed his towel, quickly burying his face in it to hide his rapidly reddening cheeks.
"Sure, I suppose. What did you have in mind?"
"Dinner," Rin replied immediately. "Mom is making this weird fish and vegetable casserole type thing. I saw it this morning and strangely enough it reminded me of something Haru would try and cook up. If we go out for dinner, then I don't have to eat it."
Nitori laughed, satisfied that his face was back to a normal shade. "You shouldn't say that about your mom's cooking. Everything my mother makes is delicious."
"That's your mother, though. She doesn't take cooking tips from Haru and experiment with weird fish and vegetable…"
"I know, I know," Nitori hushed Rin. "I'll come out with you, don't worry."
"Thanks, Nitori. You're a life saver. Let's go to that ramen place with the gyoza you like, okay?"
Rin grabbed his arm and hung off him like a limpet, Nitori barely resisting the urge to shiver and twine his arm back through Rin's.
'I wanted to kiss you tonight. Maybe it was a bit forward of me to even think it, but I really wanted to kiss you. I wonder if it's alright to think that another guy is beautiful? Even if it's not, I couldn't help thinking it when you were next to me. I know I seemed distracted from studying, but it's your fault. If I'm in the same room as you, sitting beside you with you leaning against my shoulder, how could I not be distracted? Well, I guess I could have controlled myself better, and you didn't know what it was doing to me. But still. I don't know. You're very cute when you get tired, you know. I wouldn't mind if you fell asleep on me more often.
I've decided I'll give you these letters, or at least the first letter, on graduation day. That way, things won't be weird if you never want to talk to me again. But I don't want you to leave school without doing it, and that seems like the perfect time. Because it's kind of an end, isn't it? But also a beginning. So it feels like it makes sense. I'm not really sure what I'm saying. But anyway. You were cute tonight. I'd like to kiss you one day, but I don't think it'll ever happen.'
Nitori traced the side of the paper with his fingertips, absentmindedly recalling the colour and shape of Rin's slightly parted lips as he'd slumped against his shoulder, half asleep. This letter, he'd probably never give to him, Nitori reasoned as he folded it and placed it with all the others he'd written over the months. But that was alright. He could still dream.
"Thanks so much for coming with me," Rin repeated for what must have been the second time since they'd boarded the train. "I want to see these fireworks so badly, but it's boring to go alone. I don't know why no one else would come."
Probably for the same reason Nitori wouldn't have gone if it had been anyone other than Rin who had asked; it was going to be packed to the high heavens. But only a mad person passed up a chance to watch a fireworks display with their crush, and so Nitori had readily agreed to accompany him.
As predicted, the crush of people was astounding, but Rin and Nitori managed to find a spot on the grass. It was a bit humid, but Rin didn't seem to mind being pressed in against Nitori, and Nitori certainly wasn't going to complain.
"It feels a bit like we're a couple," Rin said casually, and Nitori felt his heart stop. He stared at Rin with a shocked and bewildered expression until Rin laughed and jostled him gently with his elbow. "I'm just kidding. Don't look so serious. You'll get premature wrinkles."
"Ahaha," Nitori laughed half-heartedly along with him, feeling fluttery and disappointed and relieved all at once.
The display was beautiful, but somehow Rin was more so, and Nitori kept sneaking glances at him, watching as his eyes lit up with both childish glee and the reflected light of the fireworks. Eventually Rin caught him staring and raised an eyebrow, fixing Nitori with an inquisitive smile.
"What is it?"
Nitori couldn't help but blush and stutter, but eventually settled on saying, "… I was just thinking that you look happy."
Rin's smile grew softer. "Yeah. I am. Thank you."
They both looked back up into the sky and their fingers brushed.
'Dear Matsuoka-senpai,
It's getting closer to graduation now. Everyone is busy and we haven't really seen each other outside of school for a few weeks. It feels kind of lonely. I wonder if you feel lonely too? But you're so busy, maybe you don't have the time spare to think about me.
Sorry to change the subject so suddenly, but I feel a bit like a bad person recently. Matsuoka-senpai isn't mine, but I can't help getting a little bit possessive of you. When Ayame-chan confessed to you the other day at school, I suddenly felt like I hated her. I didn't want to, and when you told her there was someone else that you like, I didn't need to hate her, but I still couldn't help it. I think I probably hate whichever girl you do like too, even though I don't know who she is.
I'm not sure why you don't confess to her, because I'm sure you could have anyone you want at school. But I'm still glad you don't. It gives me a little more time to dream. Maybe you're waiting for graduation too. Even so, I'll still give you my letters. Or letter. I still haven't decided if I can give them all to you. I think they keeping getting steadily more embarrassing as I go on. It's easy to say whatever you want when you're writing it down on paper you're not sure if anyone will ever see.
Anyway. I want to see you soon. I miss you.'
The envelope he kept the letters in was starting to get full, and it was hard to cram this one in. There must have been almost ten by now, Nitori counted. Rin would probably only read the first one anyway. No one wanted to read a ton of sappy love letters from another guy. But that didn't really matter, he decided. He'd keep writing them until he had no reason to write them anymore.
It was late. They were studying together again, this time at Nitori's house, and by the time they remembered to look at the clock, hours had passed without them noticing.
"Just stay over," Nitori's mother offered, with a smile much like her son's. "It's Saturday tomorrow, so there's no problem."
Rin accepted immediately, and Nitori's mom went about setting up two futons in the tatami room while Rin and Nitori had a snack before bed.
Nitori couldn't help wondering, as they got ready to go to sleep, whether or not he'd be able to sleep a wink with Rin lying next to him, breathing the same air and sharing the same space. He half hoped they'd talk late into the night, because at least that would distract him from everything he knew he shouldn't think about.
Unfortunately, Rin wasn't much of a chatterbox, and Nitori had decided that since he was nervous, he had at least a hundred and two things to talk about now that the lights were out and they were supposed to be sleeping. Rin repeatedly had to remind him to lower his voice so he wouldn't wake up his parents and older sister. Nitori was still very aware of his presence, right next to him, but with his nervous rambling on about future swim meets and tests and fashion, even though he did most of the talking, as he had predicted, it wasn't too bad.
Eventually, Rin's responses began to grow quieter, and Nitori wondered if he was slowly falling asleep. But then Rin spoke in a soft voice, "I'm really glad that I'm here with you, Nitori."
Nitori's heart somehow simultaneously managed to melt and pound at the same time.
"That's… I'm… yeah. I like spending time with you too," he replied, voice equally low.
There was a rustling, and then suddenly Rin's hand was covering his, skin warm and the pads of his fingers soft. There was a pause before Nitori, trying not to think about it too hard, turned his hand so he and Rin were palm to palm.
"It's nearly graduation," Rin continued in the same tone, "but even when I'm not at school anymore, I want us to stay friends. Nitori is too important to me to lose contact with. So I'd like it if you could promise…"
He trailed off, giving Nitori's hand a gentle squeeze. Nitori squeezed back and tried not to hope too hard.
'I don't want to get my hopes up. I really don't want to, because the higher I let them get, the more it'll hurt if I fall. But I wonder if maybe… just maybe… I'm the one you like? Is that why you haven't confessed when you're usually so gung-ho about that kind of thing? I've been wondering ever since the night you stayed over. I don't know. I'm not sure what to do. It makes me want to give you these letters sooner, if there's a chance you could like me back. But at the same time, if you don't, it'll be awkward to go through these last weeks at school if I confess earlier. So I think I'll wait. But at least it's helped me decide that yes, I'll definitely be able to give you the letter. Maybe even all of these letters.
You said you still want to be able to see me once you've left school. Maybe that means that even if you don't or can't return my feelings, you'll still want to see me after I confess. Now that I think about it, I guess you were never the type to worry about things like that. But it's hard for me not to be nervous anyway.
I think this will be the last letter, Matsuoka-senpai. It's nearly time. I kind of want to say thank you for letting me write them, but that would be weird, wouldn't it? Because it's not like you really had any choice. But I guess in a way our hearts are sort of connected while I write to you. Well, maybe. Still, thank you for everything.
Love Nitori'
He sealed the envelope this time, writing Rin's full name across the front in neat characters, before putting it into his desk drawer. Soon. Soon, he would finally hand deliver these letters to their recipient, after months of waiting. Even though it wasn't time yet, Nitori still had to take a deep breath to calm himself as he switched off his desk light and crawled into bed.
It was just before his last exam that the accident happened. He was late, and that's probably why he risked it, running out onto the road when he should've waited. There was no pain. How could there be when he only had a split second to realise what was happening?
His last thoughts weren't very profound; they weren't about life or his family, or Rin, though he had just been thinking that morning that this would be his last exam before he handed over the letters. Then again, it was Nitori, so maybe it was appropriate that the last thing he thought, in that last second before he realised the truck was going to slam into his body, was simple, even calm.
'Wish this had happened before I wasted all my time studying for these exams,' was all he managed before his life was knocked from him in one fell swoop.
It was weeks before his parents could even think about starting to go through his room, their grief too much to let them accept that they needed to; that he was gone. And so it was months before they came across the envelope in his desk, long after graduation, addressed to Rin Matsuoka, now a freshmen in University.
Nitori's mother didn't open it. She was curious, but somehow it seemed wrong, and despite not knowing what the envelope contained, felt that maybe it would be too painful to see it anyway. Instead, she delivered it to its rightful owner, and Rin took it from her with a polite bow, a soft thank you, and more condolences even though he, too, was still hurting.
It hadn't been the way Nitori had planned for him to receive them. But at least his last wish had been fulfilled.
'Dear Nitori,
It's been three months, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm not sure if it feels longer or shorter. Maybe both. I'm not sure what to say. Not because I don't have anything to say, but because I have too much. Far too much. I have a whole two years of things that I've kept stored away in my head, addressed to you, that somehow never made it out of my mouth. Maybe I should've done what you did, put it all down on paper, but I think maybe I'd have had at least 700 letters addressed to you by now if I'd done that. Maybe this is easier. Maybe this is better. Because I just have this one letter to write now, and so I'll only put down the most important things.
I wish you'd told me sooner. It was stupid to wait until graduation. You should've told me at the fireworks display. Or when you were over at my house. Or when I was at yours. You should've kissed me. I'm almost angry at you, but I guess that's not fair. I should've told you sooner as well. Maybe things would've been different. Maybe you'd still be here.
I hate what-ifs.
You know, I fell in love with you from the start. You were the only one I've ever really considered to really take 'awkward little Nitori' under my wing and help you grow up confident. I wonder where I'd be if it wasn't for you. You wrote to me that you're just dorky Nitori, and I'm popular and a great swimmer and whatnot, but I sometimes think I wouldn't be all that if it hadn't been for dorky Nitori. Nitori is why I am who I am. That's why I loved you. Love you. I think I still do. I knew from the start that I wouldn't fall for anyone else. Thought I never would.
Would you hate me if the next person I fall in love with was a bit like you? Part of me knows it's not a good idea, because I know I should let go. But another part of me doesn't want to wonder. If I find someone like you, maybe I'll at least know a little what it would've felt like to love you properly. To be held by you. Kissed by you. I know I shouldn't, but…
But.
You'd be jealous, right? I kind of like that. That you liked me enough to be jealous. But I know you'd want me to move on, even if on the surface you felt like you didn't. Because you want me to be happy. Nitori was too nice to want me to hurt forever. And I'll move on. I know I will. And it will start to feel better if I let it. But right now…
I'm glad I got your letters. I kind of thought you might like me as well, you know. But I didn't want you to disappear from in front of me if I was wrong. At least this is one thing I won't have to wonder about forever. We were both cowards, weren't we? I guess we've paid the price now.
But you know, at least the time we did spend together will never disappear. And even if, at that time, we left a lot of things unsaid between us, it doesn't make it any less precious. So thank you, Nitori. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for writing to me. Thank you for loving me.
Keep watching over me from above. I'll do my best to become happy for you. Please wait for me.
Matsuoka Rin.'
He held the lighter up to the paper, letting the fire eat at the letter and catching the ashes it left behind. Once the last little lick of flame disappeared, Rin sprinkled them over the grave, twirling down through the air to settle below the headstone.
Rin looked up into the grey sky, eyes wet but tears not falling.
"There you are, Nitori," he spoke into the empty air. "There's my answer."
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A/N: So, how did you like it? I know, I killed the poor kid off but, wasn't it extra sugary-sweet at the end? I like to think so. Sorry for grammatical issues. It's pretty late here and I'm feeling some kind of tiredness from the day. Thanks for reading! Be sure to check out my other stories! (I did write another Free! Fic, but no one has read it... xD Hah. Must have been that bad). Anyway, Review. I'd love to see how you feel about this one! Oh, and I eat flames for breakfast so don't even think about it!
Read, Review, and Move On!