Warnings: The message itself. It'll say it at the end in the authors notes. I made this to give some people hope on a subject that a lot of people go through
Disclaimer: I do not own any of CLAMPs work. Only if I did…

"Crying is self pity,
Cutting is bad,
As for talking to a friend,
why are you mad?
Because no one will listen,
And no one will care
Keep it to yourself
I know life isn't fair
It's your problem
So just keep it inside
They know it exists
But they forever try to hide.
Don't blame them
Just blame yourself
But you can't let it show
So put your feelings on the shelf
If they see you cry
Then they'll feel bad
You can't let on
Can't show that you're sad
This is a warning,
So you'd better take heed,
Survive by yourself,
No one else do you need."

I never understood why Kamui was so twisted. Even as a child he was so… morbid. It so bad, that it horrified our mother. I know that he's hiding something from me. He was so… sad all of the time too. It was rare to get a real smile out of him. Some times, when we were young teenagers, he would wake up in the middle of the night crying and sobbing his eyes. He never told me why, though. He would just tell me to go back to bed, and he would silently scream inside himself. To this day, even though it's not as often, he'll start crying for no reason. I wish he would tell me what's going on…

~Kamui~

I've lived inside myself for years now. I keep a barrier around my heart, so that no one can see the true me; so no one could hurt me anymore. I've been penetrated before… but only once, when my defenses were down. Since then, I've kept myself in the dark. Not only my soul, but my body in the darkness as well. No one has ever touched me before on the inside… And that's how I've kept it for the past 10 years. No one can touch my soul like that ever again. No one. Because I won't let them.

The days have been melted together since I was 8 years old. That night… It happened so quickly, and yet, it affected me for years. I've been silently screaming inside myself for years. I wish the screams would stop.

"Kamui." I looked up and saw the teacher standing there, his arms folded across his chest. "What's the answer to problem three?" he asked. I looked behind him, at the board. Ha, I've been through high school 6 times. That was a piece of cake.

"The answer is 2098.3." I said, leaning back into my chair. I could feel the static on my back. The teacher turned at the board, as if some one had called him, and he nodded.

"Yes, very good." He remarked, clearing his throat. I noticed the stain of blush upon his face. The bell rang and Subaru and I got up, books in our arms. We walked down the hall, all the youths staring at us. Or me, for that matter. Whispers. So many whispers. About me. I sighed and pushed myself through the door, walking toward out house, I could just feel Subaru staring at me. But for some reason, I was comfortable with it. I guess that proves that we were once one embryo. I unlocked the door with the keys, each of them jangling together. An ugly sound. So rigid and unfolding; stubborn, you could say. I walked into the house, the familiar scents and sounds filing my empty senses. My mother was asleep on the couch; I noticed it when I dropped my back pack to the floor. Subaru and I walked upstairs to our room. At least thousands of pictures were pressed against the wall, not a space between them. Yes, I have to admit, we come from a line of picture freaks. I sighed and propped myself up against the bed frame, pulling out a book from under the bed. War and peace. First addition, one of the originals. My mother had bought it over 200 years ago. I cracked open the book and began to take in the information splayed out before me. So pretty, so nice. Such lovely thoughts put on thin sheets that will eventually disintegrate. Such a same, that these books will be forgotten. I sighed and continued to read. Subaru was staring at me. My eyes flicked upward, my head unmoving. His green gaze didn't even move. Like a cat, that wakes you up in the morning by staring at you two inches from your face. You could just feel the vibrating purr coming from its stomach. I asked him why he was staring.

"No reason. You just seem more glum than usual." He said casually. At least he could see my pain; I was relieved and also worried by that notion. I smiled at him weakly and his forehead wrinkled with worry. "Are you sure that you're okay?" he asked. He stretched out the 'sure;' he knew it annoyed me in a good way. I nodded glumly.

"I'm fine. Happy as a plum." I noted.

"Plums aren't happy. They're considered the fruit of sorrow." He counter acted my remark. Darn. Was that even a real fact? I sighed and continued to read. Tried to, anyway. Subaru kept inching toward me. I looked at him with disappointment.

"What?" I asked in pity. "Please let me read…" I said. He raised one eye brow. It was that look that said 'what did you just say to me?'

"Excuse me? You never, ever let me read a good book. So I should return the favor…" he said, ripping the book from my grip. I made an unexpected sound of sorrow. He put the book back under the bed and sat next to me; leaning into my skinny frame. I sighed and stood up, leaving my twin helpless. He grunted and stood up to follow me down stairs. Mother was cooking; I could smell the fresh vegetables in the air. I walked to the front door and went outside. I could see my breath as my body chilled under my clothes. I shuddered from the cold and breathed the warmth into my palms. It was cold even for a vampire. I hoped that I wouldn't get sick. I walked down the block and thought. Maybe Ii should just tell Subaru my secret. He's dying to know, and… It's killing me to keep it inside. Should I tell him that I was… raped?

-A/N

Hey guys, the reason that I wrote this is because millions of people get sexually abused; more than half of them are under 18. If this has happened to you, tell some one. You shouldn't bear that pain alone. Anyway, I hoped you liked it! I got the idea after watching channel 8 news about a 13 year old boy who got sexually abused. So I figured; Kamui has a dark secret. We all know it. Should this be it? Tell me if you liked this fic, and if you're reading this, please leave a review about it. Oh, and yes, I am writing another chapter. Promise. Hoped you liked it! Leave a review and add me to your favs if you are obsessed with the vampire twins. Ps. I listened to 'I hate every thing about you' but Three Days Grace while I was writing this fic. Good song isn't it? Byby, and see you in the next chapter!