Being Pete

Wednesday 30 June 2004

When my buddy Mark Carter invited me over for a weekend with his family, I jumped on the opportunity: it was a long time since I had seen him, Karen and the kids. Being divorced and single, I often volunteer to work during weekends and holidays so that my colleagues can spend some time with their families. It's no much difference for me to get free on a Monday rather than on a Sunday really, and it means so much for them, I'm glad I can do it. But it also means I seldom get to visit buddies outside Denver. Mark joined my soccer team when he moved to San Diego after he married Karen 12 years ago -she wanted to stay close to her folks- and we were pretty close friends for several years, then I got divorced and I asked for a reassignment in Denver. Since then, even if we keep in touch it is just not the same when you don't meet so often anymore. They've got two kids now, so I'm glad I get to meet them now and then as the little buggers grow faster than you'd think it possible.

However, when I went to Mark's house last weekend, it's not his kids I got busy with. His sister Sam was visiting too, and God what a beautiful woman she is! I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her! She is smart too -Mark mentioned something with a PhD in astrophysics or something. Not that I know what it is, but I know you have to be very smart to get to that level. When Mark mentioned she worked in the Air Force in Colorado Springs -which is sooo close to Denver!- and was single too, I knew we were meant to be together. So at the end of the weekend, I asked her for a date the following week, and she said OK. I've never been so lucky!

As soon as I was back at the office that Monday, I managed to be put on a case in Colorado Springs. That was smart! Then I can see Sam every day for a week! She is a very important person at her work, as I understood, she does not have regular hours, so it is easier for me to go and visit than her anyway. Deep space telemetry is apparently much more demanding than I thought, and it looks like my Sam is a key-person when there is a problem at the USAF base. Anyway, we had our first date when I arrived in the Springs on Sunday, and a new one yesterday, it went pretty well, she is beautiful and seems to enjoy my sense of humor, which Catherine, my ex-wife, did not, so I guess we are good. She let me give her a soft kiss when I drove her home, which is pretty quick you may say but hey, we are not kids anymore and as I mentioned before, I know we are meant to be together so I would ask her to marry me today if I were not afraid to scare her away.

I was so excited by the new turn in my life, I slept quite bad at the motel. I kept seeing her wonderful blue eyes looking at me during the dinner, and I guess I also was afraid I would sleep in and miss breakfast with Sam. We had agreed to meet at 7 a.m. at a cafe and have breakfast together. Good I have a GPS in my car 'cause I don't know the town and it's pretty big when you have to find a tiny little cafe. I was a little late but I was sure she was still there, waiting for me so I didn't waste time to give her a call. I parked the car on the parking lot and walked quickly to the door. The place was a little old-fashioned, looks like Sam has a sense for that style. I'll have to remember that when we start looking for a house one day. I opened the door and let my eyes sweep the place. Yeah, there she was, gorgeous in her summer dress, all alone by a little table at the far side of the room. I walked to her and started a game of pretending I didn't know her, and to my delight she picked it up and played along. Yeah, one more proof that we are on the same wave and will be good together! However, she did not take up on my proposition that she could take the day off, looks like she loves her job, or she is very conscientious, or both. So she left before I even got to order my breakfast. I was a little disappointed but well, we are going to a movie tonight, that's good.

Later that day

The movie was sappy and boring, but Sam liked it apparently. She seems to be the romantic kind. Funny for a Major in the Air Force but OK, I'll play along. If she likes old stuff, I'm gonna give it to her. I just have to find something. Anyway, back at her house, I got to kiss her the way I really wanted to, to show her how much I love her and everything. That was wonderful. I wanted never to stop. But then, she pulled away and looked a little confused and said it was getting late, because she had to get up really early tomorrow. It was only seven o'clock! How could possibly a job in deep space telemetry be the only thing going on under that mountain? Honestly?! Why should she work so many hours and get up that early in the morning just to look into a telescope?! Come on, I'm a cop, I am not THAT naive. But she would not tell me a thing, and I don't like it. I mean, how would we share ours lives if she does not trust me? So I asked her if it was going too fast for her. She did not really answer, but we have only been dating for less than a week so I guess I will have to be patient. My case here wraps up tomorrow but I managed to get a 2 weeks vacation. I just hope she can have some days off too. From her deep space telemetry work...

Thursday 8 July 2004, morning

I had a little detective job to do to find the right place, but then I got it all fixed. I'll take Sam to a dancing with old songs, just what she likes. I'm sure she'll love it! I didn't tell her I was back in town, but I snicked to her house during the day, left the invitation and a red rose -for true love- on her front step. Hopefully she will come home at a reasonable time tonight and find it in time to dress up and be ready for the evening of her life.

Friday 9 July 2004, morning

Seven o'clock yesterday evening, I knocked at her door, a little nervous I must admit. I had the tuxedo I married in some years ago, it still fits which is a good thing. I got 11 red roses for her and I had a nice speech ready, but when the door opened... Jeez! I couldn't articulate a single world. She was beautiful and gorgeous and hot, oh my... I hope I didn't drool, cause I really felt like the wolf in a Tex Avery cartoon you know, with the eyes popped out and the jaw falling down to the floor... She said something but I didn't get it. She laughed, took the roses and closed the door behind her. I offered her my arm like a gentleman and we drove to the dancing. She loved it, it was exactly like her Fred Astaire movie, an old-fashioned place with old-fashioned music, romantic like hell. There was only old people there but I didn't care, it was all for my girl! She really enjoyed herself and I am happy I managed to get her out of her work for the evening.

When I drove her home, she invited me inside. I was a little nervous so I joked around but then she went out of the car, with that dress making all her curves so appealing, I couldn't resist, and I followed her inn. And I don't regret it! Oh my, she was hot! None of us had had sex for years and well... I'll just say it was pretty obvious we had been starving. The night was incredible! We didn't sleep that much though, and in the morning we talked a little. I thought that, after the wonderful passionate night we had, she would be ready to trust me, but I was obviously wrong cause she didn't want to tell me what she was doing in that mountain. She said she was not allowed and would put me in danger?! What's that now? Telemetry is dangerous? Bullshit. I'm a cop, I can take care of myself, and of her too for that matter. I was irritated and I left. I felt bad though, perhaps it's true that she is not allowed to tell me, but then, she could just trust me I mean, it's not like I would go and tell her secret to the first guy I meet. Anyway, I want to know what is going on here. I HAVE to know. I'll call my buddy Dan Ferretty from the FBI. He can certainly get the info for me.

Later that day

Shit.. Ferretty found her file, and it was all scrubbed. I didn't learn a shit. He said she is probably black ops or something in that line. She is REALLY into something I don't like, and I don't like not knowing what it is. So when she left her house in the evening, I followed her. She went back to the base, jeez! She goes there to work all day, and goes back in the evening too?! What's that job really? I stayed there for about one hour and I was about to leave when I saw her and two guys climb into a white van and drive to a residential quarter. They stopped in front of a house and it looked like they intended on spending the night there. The place is probably bugged and they monitor the cameras from that van.

Around midnight, the two guys came out and snicked into the house, carrying big guns. God what's going on? I really feel like I should go and get Sam out of this van before something bad happens to her. But I figure she is in the safest place as long as she sits in the van, and I really want to know what is going to happen.

Saturday 10 July 2004, SGC infirmary

It went very wrong. In the morning, Sam jumped suddenly out of the van and I followed her. A strange woman came out of the house and started shooting at us. I shot back but she stopped the bullets, I got pretty scared, it was not normal at all! Her eyes were glowing and she had kind of a laser with which she shot at the van and it exploded. I got hit in the stomach. The whole thing went all pretty fast, less than 5 minutes from Sam jumping out of the van til the woman was shot down by one of the guys in the house and everything was over. They got an ambulance for me and the woman and we were taken to the USAF base. That's pretty incredible, that mountain is actually a big big thing, it goes 28 levels down! They even got their own hospital under it! Sam came to visit me. She gave me a picture of our date at the dancing, I was so happy she had thought of that. It means a lot to me. Then, she had been to her boss, a General Homot or something, and he had given her the authorization to tell me everything about her work. At first I thought she was joking. Working with aliens and traveling into space, ha-ha, I could really see that she would do that from under a mountain?! She had to be joking! It was just... crazy! And then, I got it. She was serious, she was telling me the truth, an incredible truth. Wow... My Sam is even more incredible than I thought!

Sunday 03 October 2004

We have been dating for three months now and I feel it's time to move on. Sam is still pretty busy with her work and I have the feeling that I love her more than she loves me. That bothers me and I do my best to please her. I'm the perfect, romantic boyfriend, but I don't know, there's something missing there. Like I'm not good enough for her or something. Not that she is arrogant in any way, but I feel I'm not her first priority, her work always comes first! I've had a chat with Mark about it but she does not confide in him so much so he couldn't help me there. He said perhaps she needs to know that I'm serious about us. And I'm pretty sure he is right, she will keep being a work-addict as long as our relationship isn't something more... official.

So I put in a work-transfer to Colorado Springs, I went to I don't know how many shops before I found the perfect ring for Sam, and I drove to the Springs to meet her at a park in town. She had been working in the morning but at last, she could enjoy her Sunday afternoon with me. We got a couple of hot dogs and sat down at a picnic table. She smiled shyly when I told her I put up my transfer to be near her, but when I gave her the ring, she was speechless. I guess Mark had been right and she didn't think I was serious when I told her about our future together, so when I asked her to marry me she realized I meant it and she didn't know what to say. So I told her to take her time and think about it, I don't want to press her or anything, that's a big decision after all. Still... I'm a little anxious now. What if she says no?

Saturday 09 October 2004

Now I'm quite worried. Sam has been avoiding me since I gave her the ring. It's been one week now and she hasn't given me an answer yet. She always uses her job as an excuse to turn down my invitations, and I supposed it is at least partly true that she has much to do, but she don't even call me back when I leave her a message. We were out yesterday and she was so distant I felt like I was going out with a perfect stranger. She didn't want me to stay at night either. Jeez.. I'm scared! I feel like she is slipping away from me, and I don't know how to get her back...

Tuesday 19 October 2004

Hallelujah! Sam had asked me for help for a friend of hers who has been set up for murder. Well, when she first asked to meet me, I thought she would give me her answer and when she started talking to me saying «Pete I'm sorry» I felt my heart stop. But then, it was not what I thought, and then, I still didn't know if she was going to marry me or not but actually I found out that I'd rather wait for a yes than have a no already. Anyway, she needed my help to prove that her friend Teal'c had been set up, and yeah, it was a set up alright. The body had been moved, the flat over the street was empty but there was still tracks after a tripod in front of the window and I got the description of a guy at the pizza place down the street. From a security camera I got the license plate of his car and from there, I could track the guy down. Unfortunately the car was a rental and the ID of the guy who rented it was a fake, which didn't make my job easier but at least I was on the right track. I got quite impressed by Sam when she suggested satellite tracking the car. She knows her job alright!

Daniel, an other friend of Sam, went missing as I was looking that up and the case went pretty big all of a sudden. Teal'c's girlfriend had been missing from the beginning, and it was pretty certain the same guys got Jackson too. The Air Force organized the ops and I was allowed to follow since I helped track the guy down. It was weird, we found only Jackson and the girl, the other guys had disappeared although all the exits had been covered. So we still don't know who it was and Sam will have to get answers from Jackson. But the REALLY great thing about that op is that Sam said YES! Oh God I'm so happy! Now that I have had some hours to let it sink all in, I guess she needed to be sure I could handle her kind of work, and that working together had shown her she could trust me. Oh I'm so happy! I love her so much! I'm going to marry her!

Sunday 01 May 2005

We are preparing the wedding, it's quite much to do and Sam is often on missions for days, sometimes she does not come home and I get so worried. She gets herself hurt and they keep her at the infirmary for days, where I can not visit her since it's in the military base and I don't have clearance. I hate not knowing what happens to her, where she goes and how badly she is injured. She needs me and I can not be there. She tells me her friends are there for her but it's not the same, I mean I'M her fiancé, I should be the one at her bedside when she needs me. More often than not I've offered to take some days off to be home with her when she is released, but she plays tough and refuses to have me around then, she does not like to be pampered with, and I guess it is to be expected from someone who works in the military, but I hope she will let me take care of her when she'll be pregnant at least. I would really like her to be assigned somewhere else though. I met her team several times and I feel like an outsider when they are there. Like they have this thing going on, I mean, sure, they face life threatening situations together all the time and they have to rely on each other and all, but still, it's like these guys want to keep her for themselves in a way. Sometimes she would even turn down an evening with me to go to a team night at her CO's place. Like she does not see them often enough... Perhaps she needs to see them out of work and in settings where they are not in danger but I'd rather have her home with me. I wonder if all military teams are like that, or if it's only them...

At some point she shut me completely out when a member of her team died (well, they didn't died since they came back but she thought they were dead several times. I tell you, even though I know they deal with weird things in her job, I wonder if they are not nuts or making things up, it is really too weird that someone should be dead, really dead, then come back!). Many times she stayed weeks and months at the base because one of them went missing. I lost count of how many times she told me her CO was prisoner or stuck on a planet or a spaceship or whatever and she had to find a way to get him back. Like no one else could take over for a week or two? When she finally gets home after that, she is dead tired and underweight, like she has not eaten or slept since last I saw her. Once she told me O'Neill had saved the planet one-handed (yeah, sure!) and was frozen in a pod in Antarctica since. At that time it was quite tense between us and she took a break in the preparations for the wedding, each time I offered to do something she answered she had to go to work, even during the weekends and days off. I got mad sometimes but she would just glare hard at me and leave anyway, so I stopped asking. Then she went missing during a mission, and during that time O'Neill was somehow de-frozen and back and it appears that 2 big enemies of Earth were destroyed then. After that she was more relaxed.

So I'm counting on the wedding to bring us back together and with all the preparations she should be busy enough to get more earthly and homely thoughts. And then, she can not have her team sticking around while we do that -although we run into Jackson at the mall once, and Sam insisted on having lunch with him. He is the best of the three but I'd rather have her for myself when I first am with her! Good she didn't invite him to join us for the afternoon shopping... For her dress, she invited her friend's daughter, Cassie, but she didn't want to invite my mother and sister. She said it was ridiculous to have them coming from so far away -my sister's in Memphis, and Sam met my mother for the Holidays but I don't think they went along so well so that was the excuse I suppose. I still have to meet her father though, Mark says he is a bad case of hard ass but Sam seems very fond of him so I'm sure it'll be OK. As I understand, he is also traveling from planet to planet with a group of aliens that implanted a kind of snake (?!) in his head and saved him from cancer 4 years ago. I don't know how that is possible but well, the man's alive and well enough to fly in his spaceship so it sure worked. Of course, Mark doesn't know a thing about that and I am not allowed to tell him so I can't get my info from him.

Back to Cassie, the girl was pretty cold to me when we met. As I understand, Sam has shared custody of her -together with O'Neill, of all people...- since her mother died in the field last year. I guess the girl is jealous of the attention Sam gives me, or she is skeptical that I would be her stepfather at some point. She is nearly an adult so she is probably not fond of the idea, plus, she didn't have a father while she grew up so the idea must be pretty new and perhaps scary to her. I hope it can change when we start our family and she finds out that she's welcome as a part of it, that I won't take Sam away from her. Mark doesn't really know her, it's only a year since Sam has custody so he couldn't help me on this one either.

Thursday 12 May 2005, SGC

I was so excited when Sam told me to meet her at the SGC this morning! She had a surprise for me she said, and I was pretty sure I was going to go through the Stargate and see how other planets look like. I was quite disappointed when she said I was not going. I didn't even get to see the damn gate yet. But well, the surprise was actually big, as I got to meet her dad. Well, I think I made a good impression, considering I knew from Mark that the man is a major hard ass and he met my expectations there. I got him on the subject of the snake in his head, and traveling to other planets with a spaceship and all. He was polite and all, probably a little skeptical to the guy who is going to marry his daughter but well, it's his job as a father I suppose. Catherine's father was kind of the same, although she was much younger than Sam when we married so one would expect that. We got a coffee and snacks at the commissary, Sam had a big glass of jello, blue one, yuck! I don't know how she can swallow that thing. I thought they were supposed to keep fit, but there was plenty of cake and other unhealthy food too. How can they work that out sitting in labs I don't know. O'Neill and Teal'c came in while we sat there and they both helped themselves with large pieces of cake. It was actually O'Neill who brought the blue jello to Sam, and he offered to bring us cake too but I declined and Sam's dad asked for a bottle of water instead. After that I had to go as I work night shift tonight. Sam stays on the base with her dad for the night, as he will fly to visit Mark tomorrow and she is on early shift in the morning anyway.

Friday 13 May 2005

Last night I had to drive through a villa area to reach my target. And then, I saw it! A beautiful older house, with a big yard, for sale. I noted the number on the sale sign and first thing in the morning, I made a call to have a look inside. It looks exactly like Sam's dream house and it is even more beautiful inside! It felt completely right for us, with some minor modifications it would be perfect! The back yard was big and I could figure a bunch of kids playing there with a couple of dogs, with a swing here, a vegetable garden there. I decided to buy it and surprise Sam with it. She will LOVE it!

Monday 16 May 2005

Sam was supposed to meet me at the florist to choose the flowers but she didn't show up so I called her and she didn't take the call. I thought perhaps she was in her car so I called at her job to know if she had left yet and they told me she had a meeting. I had to insist to be put through, but then it appeared she could not tell me when she would be free to go.

So I went on my own, like countless other times when I had to decide the color of the table cloths or design of the cards for place setting when she had to work instead. She just doesn't seem to care, I guess all these things feel kind of futile with Jackson's recent death and the safety of the planet at stake in her everyday life but still, it's OUR wedding and I'm a little disappointed that she doesn't involve herself more. Perhaps it's still not real yet for her, she's got so much to do in her work and we've been engaged in 7 months, planning the wedding, she sure has to make priorities and deal with one thing at a time. I hope it will all feel more real when she sees the house and that she will be caught up with the modifications I plan! Painting the kitchen yellow will certainly be a big number one on the list!

Later that day

Just when I was finished at the florist this morning, Sam called that her meeting was over and she could join me to choose the flowers. So I picked her up and we went back to the florist so she could see what I had chosen and make some changes if she wanted to. But she liked what I had picked so I decided on taking her to the house. During the drive, she was just looking out of the window, like she was light-years away.. We chatted a little and yeah, it was like I thought, she has much on her mind with saving the planet so it's difficult for her to focus on the wedding. I asked what her father thought of me and all but she was really distracted, so I told her I had a surprise and made her close her eyes, as we were only 5 minutes from the house.

When she got out of the car and opened her eyes, she was speechless! Her dream come true, come on! I guess she had an adrenaline shock there! I took her around and she just couldn't say a word, her eyes wide and not able to utter a word for at least the first 10 minutes. I was so happy that the surprise had such an effect!

And then, I started to wonder if I didn't have it all wrong. It was like with the ring. I expected her to jump in joy, kiss me madly, well, show she was glad. But Sam, she just... withdrew? Like she didn't want to hurt me by saying no, but it was really what she wanted to say. Well.. she had needed nearly 3 weeks to say yes after the ring so perhaps I just had to give her time there too. Which is what I told her. Take your time to think about it. I gave her the documents and drove her back to the base where she had her car. It was an awkward silence in the car on the way back, I didn't know what to say and she didn't help me either. I reminded her of our appointment with the caterer tomorrow, she gave me a quick peck and got out of the car.

I was worried about her reaction, so I stopped at the first parking lot I saw to think it over. 5 minutes later I saw her car. She was driving quite fast and I was afraid she would put herself in danger if she was upset or something, I thought I'd follow her to her house so we could talk. But she didn't drive to her house. She took the motorway and stopped in a calm, wooden area, in the driveway of a nice, rustic house. I didn't know that place but I spotted a big black truck in front of the garage, and that truck told me that it was O'Neill's house. I don't know why but I got both angry and scared that she had gone to him straight after I bought a house for us...

She didn't go out of her car for at least 10 minutes, like she was on the phone or something. When she did, she didn't go to the front door but around the house. I left my own car and snicked around to see what she was doing. I had been right, there stood O'Neill, grilling some piece of meat and looking quite surprised to see Sam. I couldn't hear what they said but he hardly said anything. She did the talking, until a woman came out of the house -I didn't even know he was married!- and Sam got a call. After that she rushed to her car and O'Neill and his wife stood there, looking at where she had disappeared, then at each other like they were embarrassed.

Wednesday 18 May 2005

I haven't seen Sam since she run from O'Neill's place. She just sent a message to say her father was sick and she would stay with him at the infirmary. Not a word about the house. And I could not visit her of course, since she was at the base. I asked her if Mark knew and if she wanted me to call him, but she answered she would do it. I felt completely left out, I could not be with her, not help her call Mark, and I didn't know what she thought of the house I bought for us. I'm felling like I'm loosing her. When I was with Catherine, we had arguments, but we were in each other's life anyway. With Sam, it feels like her life is in that base and I'm not allowed inside. And she tells me as little as possible when she comes out. And when she is troubled... she goes to O'Neill instead of me. Shit. I hate that mountain!

Thursday 26 May 2005

Sam and Mark's dad died last week, the funeral was on Tuesday and I got to see Mark again. Sam had told me I didn't have to attend the ceremony since I hardly knew her father but as her fiance I felt I had to be there for her. Only she didn't need me because she stood the whole time together with O'Neill and the other military guys on the other side of the grave. Her father had been a USAF General before his cancer, so many people came to present their respects. Mark said even the President had sent a representative to be there. It was all military and I could see it bothered Mark quite a bit. I know he never got along with his father and it was mostly because of his aversion for the military. Some guys folded the American flag into a net tiny triangle and presented it to Sam who took it stoically like a good soldier. O'Neill and an other, bald General, said some words but apart from that they stood close to Sam as to give her some support. Which is my role, by the way.

After the funeral, I tried to go to Sam but she was busy with other people and suddenly I spotted her climbing into O'Neill's truck with Jackson and Teal'c. Mark and his family were already in their car, waiting for someone to show the way to the wake. I had no idea where that was so I called Sam but her phone was off. I tried Mark, but he was driving so Karen answered. She told me they were following O'Neill to his place as he had offered to host the wake. Damn! I thought they would go to a restaurant in town, some neutral place! I really didn't feel to go to his house and feel again like the fifth wheel on the carriage, so I told them I'd see them for dinner tonight at Sam's place. Only for Mark to call me at eight and tell me O'Neill had offered them to stay over for the night. And that Sam was staying too. Damn damn damn! At that point, I was desperate and I jumped in my car, intending on driving to O'Neill's place and claim my right at Sam's side and in her bed. I was literally fuming but just as I reached the end of the parking lot, I realized how stupid I was acting. She was with her brother's family, with her friends, she had all the comfort she needed and she knew where to find me if she wanted to. Obviously she was fine without me and I had to respect her choice. So I drove the car back to its place and got out. She said she would marry me. I had to believe that meant something, right?

But I didn't sleep well that night. Something was very very wrong. It was not how it's supposed to be when you are going to marry someone in a month's time. Hell. It's not just now. It's always been like that. From the beginning I have loved her more than she loved me. I just wanted to believe, so much! It felt like she wanted to believe it too but somehow, she knew, WE knew it would never work. So when she called me this morning and asked me to meet her at the house, I knew we would have to talk. And I was scared.

She gave me the ring back and she looked truly sorry. I believe she was but at the time, I could only concentrate on containing my own emotions. I loved her and even now that she was throwing me out of her life, I could not hate her. I wish her to get what she wants, although I have no idea what it is and it's obviously not me. God it hurts... She looked surprised, she had probably expected a scene from me but I just felt like crying my heart out so I left. I peeled the «Sold» sign off so it reads «For sale» again. I'll go back to the real estate agency when I'm over with the tears. And put in for a transfer far from here as soon as I can.

October 2005, San Diego

It's been 4 months now, and it still hurts when I think about her. I mean, I still love her and I regret that it didn't work, but now I know it was for the best, 'cause there was no way it could have worked between us. I've had some weekends at Mark's since she called the wedding off, and he explained it to me. She liked me. Perhaps she even loved me at some point but she wasn't in love with me, because she was in love with an other guy she couldn't have. Deep down, I guess I've always known that, and I also knew who the guy was. That's why I came to hate O'Neill from the moment we met. Although I was not conscious about it at the time, cause if I try to be objective, they never acted in a way that could give me reasons to hate him, but I must have sensed something, a connection between them, and the menace he represented for me.

Mark told me she had moved to Nevada so she would not be in his chain of command and their relationship would be possible. Unfortunately he got sent to the Pentagon soon after her transfer was accepted so they had to settle with a long distance relationship, but it looks like it worked for them anyway. Mark tells me they are getting married next Saturday, and because I still love her, I'm really glad for her. Even if that hurts.