Disclaimer: Paramount owns the characters…but lent them to me to play with a bit.
Same things everyday, reports, summaries, duty rosters. It was easy to get lost. To forget who you were and what you were there for. Easy for everything to become so monotonous that you lose your self in a trance like state while doing it. She found that happening a lot. Her mind would drift some place else. She would wonder what she had gotten herself into, and if she was able to get through like everyone expected her too.
Part of this was her fault. She had put on a strong face. Made sure everyone thought that she was strong enough to get them through this. It was her job, and they were her crew. She did it for them. Or so she thought.
He noticed something different about her lately. She had lost that bounce in her step, that spark in her eye. Their dinners together had become mixed with endless chatter, or stone silence. He wondered where she had gone off to in that often-turbulent mind of hers.He noticed she kept up sights though. Making sure her crew was well looked after. He often wondered if that was why she looked so worn. If she had her self up all night worrying needlessly, as she often did. But there was a difference this time. It was deeper.
"Just one more cup of coffee." She'd tell herself. "That's all I need just one more cup." But nothing was getting rid of the heavy tiredness that was starting to burro into her head and She knew Chakotay was starting to notice. He knew her too well. She hoped he would stay his distance though, let her work this out in her own time.
Always something more going on than she let on. He could see it in her eyes though. He should be able to by now. He's spent enough time looking into them over candlelight. They were often clouded with inner turmoil, but they always had that spark. The one that reassured him that she wasn't going anywhere. Those beautiful grey-blue eyes.But they were dark now. No spark, no clouds, just dark. They didn't show sadness, or loneliness, just emptiness. That's what worried him the most.
The days were getting longer now she was sure of it. Or maybe the nights were just too short. Not enough time to rest. Not enough time to sort out the mass of emotion that was trying to get out of its carefully sealed jar. So many things left un-dealt with. So many things had gotten put away before she ever had the chance to look at them.
Now they were coming out like a river. So many things, so many loud things. She found it hard to keep track. It was too overwhelming. She just needed them to quiet for a while, so she could get some sleep. Although right now, it felt as though there would never be enough sleep.
Should he chance it? Ask her what's wrong? Maybe she would tell him. "There's a better chance of the Borg queen handing over the collective to individuality." He sighed aloud. He knew her better than that. She would tell him nothing was wrong. That she was just tired.
Still he had to try. Someone had to put out that arm when someone was drowning. Even if the person drowning didn't know that they needed the arm to get out of the water.
She heard the door chime; it just didn't register until the second time. "Come in." She called out. Not leaving her space in front of the window. She had been standing there for sometime, her uniform coat on the couch in front of her. Just staring out at the stars, trying to remember if she was thinking about anything.
Chakotay walked in and over to her. She turned and smiled. He smiled back. Then he started to talk. She wanted to be paying attention, and maybe she was. She was nodding in all the right places, talking in all the right places, but the words just weren't sticking in her head. It's almost as if she didn't have the room
To him she seemed to be having a conversation. Anyone who didn't know better would think she was having a conversation. He knew better. Her eyes were wondering. Never staying in the same spot for more than a minute. Never staying on him for more than a second. There was no pattern to it though. More like her mind didn't quite know where it was supposed to be and he wondered if she even knew he was there. Did she live everyday like this?
"What's wrong?" She heard him ask. It was the only thing she really heard. Maybe because she had expected it. If only she had an answer that would satisfy him. She knew he wouldn't accept another: "I'm just tired." Not really anyway.
"I'm not sure." She answered honestly. "Things are too muddled. I can't think straight."
At least it was an honest answer. Something he had wanted to hear, although it didn't explain much. It's possible she didn't have the answers.
He watched her eyes dart around the room and her body start to sway. Maybe the answer was as simple as being tired. She looked as though she could sleep for days.
The ship rocked, and the red alert siren and lights went off
"Janeway to the bridge. Report."
"Two unknown ships off the port nacelle captain. They aren't responding to hails."
"We're on our way."
It was as though he was watching two different people. She suddenly had focus. So he thought.
"Yay a distraction!" She thought to herself. Maybe this would be what she needed, something to get her mind to think straight. She stumbled slightly on the way out of her quarters. She hoped Chakotay, who was right behind her, hadn't noticed.
"Report" She said stepping on to the bridge.
"Minor damage to the port nacelle, no injuries reported." Ensign Harry Kim reported.
There was another blast than another. Things were moving faster than she had thought. She barely had enough time to give the orders to fire back. The last shot fired, rocked the ship enough to knock her and several others to the floor. She hit her head on the edge of one of the stairs. Hard enough to knock her unconscious for a few seconds. Not enough for anyone to notice in the commotion.
She got back to her feet telling lieutenant Tuvok to fire at the engines of the attacking ships.
"The ships are retreating Captain." Tuvok said.
"Several decks report minor damage and minor injuries." Harry reported.
She nodded, and gave the orders needed to start the repairs. She also sent Tom down to help the doctor before heading to her ready room.
He had seen the time it had taken her to get up. She had hit her head hard and he knew there would be no way to convince her to go down to sickbay unless she knew everything else was looked after. She was the most stubborn human being he knew.
He was more worried now though. He had seen her stumble earlier, when she didn't have a head injury. How she had trouble focusing and standing. He needed to check on her. Make sure she hadn't collapsed the moment she had walked in to that room. He almost expected her to be on the floor when he went into her ready room.
"Checking up on me?" She asked with a smile when he walked in. She had expected as much. She guessed her fall didn't go unnoticed. He would want her to go down to sickbay no doubt. She told him if he walked with her she would go. She could use the company and he was on his way down to engineering anyway.
She had hoped the battle would have focused her a bit more. It didn't. Well that's not entirely true, she had been somewhat focused during the battle. But as soon as it was done the fog returned.
He was surprised that she had agreed to go to sickbay so willingly. He was even more surprised when she had asked him to go with her. Not that he wouldn't have anyway. He was on his way down to engineering, and this way he knew she would actually go.
She was silent the entire way down. Stumbling occasionally, using the wall as support. He hoped she would get the sleep she needed tonight. He hoped that was all she needed.
Chakotay left her in the doctor's capable hands, who then healed her head injury and sent her to bed. She didn't have the energy to argue. She needed the sleep. She had spent the last few days fighting emotions that she had never expected to deal with. They had been put away for a better time. A time when it wouldn't interfere with her job. It had been more exhausting than playing hours of velocity with Seven.
She crawled into bed as soon as she got to her room, but she couldn't do anything but toss and turn. She was having panic attacks, and becoming frustrated. How can one be so tired but not be able to sleep?
She got up and walked over to the replicator. She replicated a cup of hot tea and a strong sedative. She drank the tea and loaded the sedative into the hypo-spray. But she wasn't a doctor and she was exhausted to the point of distraction.
He had spent most of the night worrying about Kathryn. Something didn't feel right. She was exhausted, that anyone could have seen. The problem was she tended to be a little careless when she was over tired. Things were able to get to her more than they normally would have, and she didn't always think before she acted.
He was even more worried when she didn't answer her door in the morning. He knew she ahs been ordered by the Doctor to take the day off. He wanted to believe she was just sleeping, but a strong feeling in his gut told him to go in and make sure.
He typed in his security code and the doors hissed open. Everything was quiet as he made his way to her bedroom. He found her lying on the bed, under the covers. There was no movement. Something small next to the bed caught his eye. He rushed over and picked up the hypo-spray, putting it in his pocket. He'd want the Doctor to check what was used.He tried waking Kathryn, but couldn't. He felt his heart fall into his stomach. She had a pulse but it was weak and she wasn't breathing.
To be continued…
Please R&R