He never cries. The last time he cried was when his cat passed away when he was ten years old. A neighbor knocked on his door one afternoon, only to apologetically stutter out that he had been driving too fast, that he hadn't kept his eyes on the road.
Now, however, he is crying. 22 years old and sobbing, on his couch, with a little too much alcohol in his blood system. The rain smatters gently on the window to his left, the dark hugging closer and makes him feel even more alone. He has no one to hold, and no one to get held by. He really needs to be held, especially now.
"Oh, Sebastian," his mother soothes him later at night when he can't get his cat's stiff body out of his head, "he's in cat-heaven now."
"I don't believe in any heaven," he sniffles, "and I'll never believe in one."
He ended up believe in a heaven after all, but that was a heaven he couldn't reach. In this heaven there was a curly-haired boy with whisky eyes, always laughing and singing, making him feel so incredible happy. He would never feel alone with this boy, never cry at his couch late at night, longing for arms around his shaking body. No, this boy was capable of giving him so much, and he was ready to give his entire life in return.
"I just- maybe we could, you know-," Sebastian stutters before he clears his throat, possibly for the tenth time during this conversation. "What I'm trying to say is- would you like to come over tonight?"
Blaine smiles sweetly, "I don't know."
"Please," Sebastian says quickly. "I can cook again. We can watch a movie, you can choose which."
"Sebastian," Blaine's smile fades, "You know I can't. I'm meeting Kurt after school."
Of course.
Tears prickles in Sebastian eyes. "Yeah, I just thought-"
"It's not like I don't want to!" Blaine reassures, even though Sebastian can't bring himself to believe him. "But whatever we have, whatever we had- it's over now."
Okay. Breathe. Don't let him see you cry.
"I'm sorry," Blaine looks sad, "But I just can't."
He turns around and walks out of the room and his curly hair glows in the sun from the window, and Sebastian almost runs after him. But instead he stays at the same spot for several minutes, trying to figure out how to breathe.
Stories like this don't always end with a happy ending. Sebastian knows that now. Not many things worked out as he intended them to. Life is a tricky thing. As a human, you'll never really get satisfied enough. Instead you'll spend your life chasing something else, trying to make yourself feel better, getting high on the rush of these goals, and when you reach them it will only make you pleased for a short period of time. Soon you'll be searching again.
Sebastian is, in fact, still searching. For a new life, a new start. But he knows that when he gets that, he will immediately start running after something else, something shiny and new. And that scares him.
He used to chase Blaine. They had much in common, both were in the singing choir and both were gay. They had a lot to talk about. But when Sebastian got to that stage, when he realized that they had become friends rather than everything else, he immediately tried to go a bit further. Maybe that was the reason it didn't work out.
"Do you believe in God?" Blaine asks, where he sits opposite to Sebastian. They're eating together in the school cafeteria.
Sebastian barks out a laugh, "No, absolutely not."
Blaine scowls, "Why not?"
"Cause he's never made me any good. Believe me, I've tried to pray and all that stuff, but it just," he shrugs, " never worked for me."
Blaine nods, but deeply lost in his thoughts.
"Why are you asking?"
"No, it's just this-" A red color spreading on Blaine's cheeks. "I've met this guy. He's a Christian. Very religious."
Sebastian's heart skips a beat and he tries to think clear. He met someone.
Blaine meets his eyes, smiles. "He's really nice though, I like him."
"I see," Sebastian chokes out, and tries to finish his food as quickly as possible.
They slept with each other twice.
The first time, Sebastian asked Blaine over and Blaine smiled a yes and Sebastian cooked food that entire afternoon, wanted everything to be perfect, and when Blaine arrived there was candles everywhere and he complimented the food so many times Sebastian lost count. Later, when they ended up on the couch Sebastian had rushed forward to kiss him, already so deeply in love, and Blaine had pushed him away gently, smiling, saying it wasn't time. But after a minute or two he must have changed his mind, because soon their lips met again and this time they stayed so the entire night.
The second time they were drunk and Blaine probably regrets it now. It was at a party, Sebastian doesn't remember whose party, maybe Jeff's or Adam's. Anyway, Blaine danced in the middle of the floor, almost completely alone, with a drink in hand. Sebastian came up to him to make sure everything was okay and Blaine slurred out something about how good Sebastian looked in that shirt, and he knew Blaine was back on track with Hummel, but he couldn't help it when Blaine, only seconds later, stood up on his toes and kissed him. Later, they found an empty room upstairs and Sebastian made Blaine come with his back against the wall, and that was the most beautiful sight he had seen in years.
It was something so special. No matter how many people he slept with over the years, nothing could beat the times with Blaine. The two of them, together. Moving and breathing and giggling and gasping. Blaine's back arched in a bow and his tanned skin warm under Sebastian's fingers. Whimpers and moans and each other's names leaving their lips. Blaine made him feel real. Whole. Like everything was right in the world.
He feels so broken where he sits, now, tears burning on his cheeks, almost forcing air into his lungs. Blaine is married now, happily even, and Sebastian is out of his life. It feels like someone tied a rope with a stone around his neck and pushed him into water. He can't breathe, can't move, can't stop crying like a fucking baby.
He goes to bed after a while. When there's no tears left in his entire body and he's too exhausted to even sit straight. His sheets aren't warm, and they certainly don't have the smell of home and safety like they used to. It's cold in his bed, just as the rest of his apartment. And his body.
The morning finally arrives, after a couple of very long hours. Daytime is so much easier, less time to over-think. He likes early mornings, the fresh air and the fade, misty colors. It clears his mind, gets rid of the last bit of alcohol in his body, makes him clean. It's always sunny in the morning, when the weather has not yet decided how the rest of the day is supposed to be.
Sebastian makes himself a cup of coffee and opens the door to his balcony to step out in the chilly air. It bites his nose and cheeks, but the blanket on his shoulders and the cup in his hand warms him at the same time. He turns his face to the sun, closes his eyes, and breathes. He even allows himself to smile a little.
It's always like this the day after. He breaks down at night, drinks too much, cries, and goes to bed. He wakes up, feels better, tries not to think, and catches the day before anyone else has the chance.
Life is moving on, he decides. And it's true. That heaven he used to have in his dream is not the heaven he's supposed to live in. What he needs to do is to find a new heaven. That will obviously take time, he'll find himself drunk on a Saturday night on many more occasions, but it feels better now when he at least can say it honestly to himself. You won't get him. He won't run to you like in a romantic movie. It's not going to be him.
It makes him sad, of course it does. Blaine was the first real love Sebastian experienced. Blaine is always going to be in the back of his mind. So, how is trying to let go ever going to make him happy? How is it going to be easy? It won't. There's not easy way out of it. It's going to haunt him till he lets go of the last pieces, and till someone else can fill that hole Blaine left. He's still learning from it. Still licking his wounds. Still recovering.
It's going to be okay. Someday his sheets will be warm again, his home welcoming. He will be held and will have someone to hold. Everything will be clear again, like the sky above him, like the air around him.
He'll find that heaven he never thought he'd believe in. But it has to be allowed to take time. Otherwise, it will never be good.