Title: Cauchemar
Author: Peaches
Genre: Angst and Romance (Tony / Kate)
Archive: Feel free – tell me though
Spoilers: Reveille for big time, also minor ones for Minimum Security, My Other Left Foot, and… the one that mentioned Arianna – I THINK it's The Weak Link (it might be Split Decision…)
Disclaimers: I don't own the characters, but I'd like to consider this plot my own little imagination... grin
A/N: Thank you, Shannon, for beta'ing. grin
"Good morning, Kate," Tony grinned cheerfully as he breezed into the bullpen. "How was your weekend?"
"Morning," Kate responded with as much energy as she could muster. "My weekend was fine. Thank you."
Tony booted up his computer while shooting glances at her, waiting for her to ask him how his weekend went. When, instead, she continued to work, Tony walked to stand in front of her desk and leaned down, "Aren't you gonna ask me about my weekend, Kate?"
Kate looked up at him with tired eyes and bit back a 'no'. This is Tony, she reminded herself. With a tight smile, she asked, "So, tell me. How was your night, Tony?"
"I met this gorgeous Asian woman." I think I'm falling in love with her. She's – " Tony stopped when Kate slammed the file she was reading on her desk, hard. "Kate?"
"When will you grow up, Tony?" Kate's voice was quiet when she voiced the question she had asked Ducky at lunch the day that all hell had broken loose. "When will you become more mature?"
Tony stared at Kate, stunned by her outburst. He watched while her hand flew to her lips, her eyes widened in surprise at her own words. With a muttered "Excuse me," she fled from the bullpen, bumping into Gibbs, who had just returned from Ducky's office, on her way.
Dinozzo could only stand, rooted in the same place and and watch her run.
"What the hell is happening here, Dinozzo?"
"I honestly have no idea, boss," he answered in a tone barely louder than a whisper.
"Want some company?"
Kate looked up, surprised, to see Tony standing a few feet away from where she was sitting on the rooftop. She bit her lips, not at all sure whether it would be a wise thing to do.
"I don't know, Tony," she answered honestly.
Tony grinned slightly at her friend's hesitation and sat down beside her. "Well, I'll just sit here with you. We can, you know, talk, or just sit here together."
For a while, they just sat, letting the silence envelop them. Kate looked up to the sky and sighed while Tony watched his friend with keen interest. There was something he wouldn't tell her, but he had almost gone crazy when she had been kidnapped by that terrorist – or who they thought to be a terrorist. He wasn't exactly sure why, but he knew he had to get her back, and he sure was glad when he saw her alive and well – with just her lips split – from her ordeal.
Gibbs had been equally worried about her when she came into work the next day and refused to discuss what had happened with either of them. She had opened up to Abby, but the Goth lab tech had refused to break Kate's confidence, only urging Tony to go talk to Kate.
"Something came up. It happened while she was with Ari," Abby had said. "I won't tell you exactly what happened, but Tony, if you care about Kate at all, you need to talk to her."
Of course he cared about Kate – probably more than he should since they had established their brother/sister relationship back in Cuba.
The Director had called Gibbs into his office to tell him what had transpired while Tony himself was frantically searching for hints that would lead him to Kate. He didn't accompany his boss to pick Kate up, too engrossed in his search to notice the leader taking off in a hurry.
That night, he slept on Kate's couch, claiming that he was too tired to drive home after dropping her off, but was, in fact, frightened to let her be alone again lest Ari, the double agent, decided to make an appearance. He only heard of Gibbs' private meeting with the man in the morgue the morning after, and Gibbs had been tight-lipped about what happened during the meeting other than him taking revenge for Gerald.
"I knew something wasn't right when I got into that car to chase after Ari. It just seemed to have gone too – smoothly. The driver didn't even hesitate." Kate's soft voice brought Tony back from his reverie.
Grateful that his friend was talking, Tony shifted, and his gesture told Kate that he was listening.
"But I guess I was too caught up with the thought of having finally found him to realize that," Kate chuckled self-depreciatingly. "Anyway, they handcuffed me and brought me to the farm that they used as headquarters."
Tony closed his eyes and grimaced. He could still see, as clearly as if it had only happened hours ago, the angry red marks left by being cuffed, accompanied by the faint scar of her split lips.
"Ari made me call Gibbs to make an excuse for my absence. I – " Kate continued shakily and stopped to catch her breath. Tony reached over to hold her hand in his silently. "I asked him, 'what if I don't?' I wasn't going to make it easy for him."
When Kate paused again, Tony rubbed his thumb over the soft skin of the back of her hand gently, soothing her. He couldn't help himself. Even though he promised he would try his best to act like the teasing big brother, there were things he couldn't control, like how much he felt for this brunette in front of him.
"I was expecting him to threaten my life when I asked that, you know," Kate continued after taking several deep breaths. "But he didn't. He called out your friend."
"My friend?" Tony echoed, utterly confused. "What friend?"
"The love of your life, as you put it during lunch," Kate said miserably. She was too tired, way too tired, to hide her emotions, and she would deal with the consequences later. Right now, she wasn't strong enough to put up any walls.
Tony saw the flash of pain on Kate's features as she said those words. The love of his life. It was a phrase that he said often, but hadn't really meant it. There would only be one person that would be the love of his life – and she was sitting beside him relating the ordeal she endured. "You mean Kristina?"
"Kristina? That what she told you her name was?"
"Yeah, she told me when I followed her after lunch," Tony recounted, completely confused as to why Kate was asking about her all of a sudden.
"And didn't you think it's suspicious how she just disappeared?"
"I haven't really thought about her since," Tony admitted. It was the truth. He couldn't think of anyone else but Kate since that day when he realized her could lose her. "Why are you asking about her?"
"Her name wasn't Kristina," Kate explained softly. "Her name was Marta. She was a Hamas agent targeting you."
"You mean she – " Tony was too appalled to continue his thought, and was so shocked that the woman he was about to take out was someone planted.
"She was a Hamas agent working with Ari. He called her out when I suggested I wouldn't follow his demands of telling Gibbs I was food poisoned. She didn't point any weapon at me, but her words were enough to make me follow their wishes."
Kate kept quiet for much longer than before, and Tony attempted to soothe her. "It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it. I understand."
The female agent simply shook her head in the negative. "She said she would put a bullet in the back of your head that night if I didn't call Gibbs and say what they wanted."
Tony's hand involuntarily tightened his grip on Kate's at her words. Kate's behaviour these days all made sense at that point. His foolishness had gotten them into trouble for more than once, and with Kris – Marta, he screwed up royally.
"Why didn't you tell anyone about this?"
"I couldn't," she shook her head sadly. I mean, it's just better off left alone."
"And now?"
"And now you've caught me when I'm too tired to keep things well hidden and let emotions run my body for once. I didn't even tell Abby some of the things I told you."
"You should have told someone," Tony chided gently. He felt his heart constricted painfully as he thought of the emotional trauma Kate had to go through because of his stupidity.
"And say what?" questioned Kate with a voice hoarse from crying. "Tell them that I was scared out of my mind not because they might kill me, but you instead? Tell them that I'd die first before I let anything happen to you?"
Tony sat beside Kate, shocked. He wasn't sure what to make of what she said, but to say he was surprised was understatement. He would have killed anyone who put that pain in Kate's life in a heartbeat, and unfortunately for himself, he was the one responsible.
"Tony?" her voice now sounded extremely small and vulnerable now that she had calmed from her outburst. "Promise me you'll be careful. I can stand watching you flirt with all women but me and treat me only as a brother treats a sister, but I can't stand to see you hurt. Please. Be careful."
Tony looked over at Kate's empty desk while he waited for Kate to pick up. After their talk on the rooftop, Kate had requested two weeks' leave. The director had, of course, approved it without giving it much thought. She had, after all, been through a traumatic experience.
The office was simply not the same without her. It was empty, despite the fact that the bullpen area buzzed with activity in the late morning. Nothing was the same without Kate there to share it with him.
He sighed and slammed the receiver down finally when he got the answering machine again. He'd really like to know how Kate was doing, but he had no way of contact her. She didn't answer her phone, nor did she reply to all the e-mails he tried sending her. It was either she was out of town or she was avoiding him.
Dinozzo was ready to bet his month's salary on the latter.
"Something going on you not telling me about, Dinozzo?" Gibbs asked when he saw Tony slamming the receiver.
"Kate's not answering her calls, Boss," Tony supplied, frustration evident in his voice.
"I know."
"And?"
"And nothing," Gibbs said to the younger agent, and raised to hand to stop him from saying anything. "Tony, Kate doesn't want to be found. She's on a two-week leave, and if she doesn't want to be found, it's within her rights. There's nothing we can do about that."
"And should something happen to her?"
The leader let out a sigh before he turned to address his younger team member. "Tony, I know you're worried about her, but there isn't anything you can do. She is a damn good agent, and she won't be found unless she wants to be. You've got to respect that."
Dejected, Tony remained silent for the rest of the day, being unproductive. He wanted nothing more than to talk to Kate about what she revealed, but everything had happened so fast that he barely had the time to digest anything.
Yet, at that very moment, Anthony Dinozzo knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted Caitlin Todd, and he wanted her bad. The incident with Ari the Mossad agent had put things in perspective for him, and he was sure the one he had been looking for was Kate. The need to tease her to get her annoyed and irritated was the closest he could get to seeing her aroused without upsetting her too much.
"Grab your gear," Gibbs said suddenly, and Tony scrambled to catch up. He must have missed Gibbs' conversation on the phone, because he had no idea what he was getting into. Blindly, he followed his leader to the readied NCIS van and performed on autopilot.
Tony worked in a daze when they reached the murder scene. He paused and froze when Gibbs handed him the camera.
It had always been Kate's job to flash the scene since she joined the team. The assignment merely added to the anxiety in him and served to remind him Kate was not with them.
He continued his work barely realizing what was happening around them, and when he finally heard Gibbs' shout of, "Get the hell down, Dinozzo," it was too late to duck.
The bullet hit him before he fell onto the sandy ground of the crime scene.
"It seems like our Anthony is ready to come back to us," the British medical examiner announced when he noticed the patient stirring from his drug-induced sleep.
Tony could hear the faint noise of Ducky's talking, and very soon after, he could feel a pair of soft, warm hands grabbing his.
It took him a while to realize who was, but as his mind cleared, her smell told him everything he needed to know.
"Kate, you're here," was the first thing Tony muttered when he was strong enough to speak.
"Yes, I am," Kate replied softly. "So is Ducky. Gibbs is working on the case and Abby's in the lab trying to analyze all the things Gibbs bagged and tagged for her."
"Well, I'll go back to join the team, now that Anthony's all right," Ducky said warmly to the pair in front of them. He suspected that Kate had already admitted to the attraction she obviously had for Tony, and from the way Tony looked when he first woke up, he, too, was heading in the right direction.
"Please tell Gibbs I'll get back as soon as possible," Kate turned to address the doctor.
"Don't you worry about Gibbs, Caitlin," Ducky said at the door. "I'll make sure he doesn't interfere with you staying with Anthony. After all, human touches can speed up the healing."
"Thanks, Ducky," Kate blushed slightly, fully understanding what the British briefly was saying and quickly turned her attention back to the injured man in the bed in front of her. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I was shot," Tony teased. "If I had known I could find you if I get shot, I'd have shot myself a long time ago."
Kate wasn't sure how to answer to that comment, so she stayed quiet and ran her fingers through his hair tenderly.
"I couldn't find you," Tony muttered weakly after a moment's silence. "I was worried. I missed you."
Kate's eyes misted and she fought the urge to let the tears drop in front of Tony. "I was staying at my parents'," she said in way of explanation. She was thrown off-balance by the things Tony was saying to her. It sounded like Tony was admitting that he felt something for her, something that she longed for very much.
"You should rest now." She chided herself on taking the easy way out, but tried to convince herself that Tony needed the rest more than anything. "We will talk later."
"All right," he murmured before sleep claimed him. "I'm ready to grow up now, Kate."
The next time Tony woke up, he was a little more oriented, and felt someone holding onto his hand. Looking to his right, he smiled at the sight of Kate sleeping in the chair clutching at his right, uninjured hand.
Emotions raced through him and he wondered just how much he should reveal. Kate's revelation from earlier and the subsequent week without her proved to Tony that he needed to let Kate know how important she was to him. He would be honest to himself and to her that he didn't like it one bit when she wasn't around.
He shifted in his bed as Kate stirred and opened her eyes sleepily.
"Morning," he said softly and smiled at her.
"Morning," she responded and winced when her eyes lingered on his injured shoulder. "You feeling better?"
"Yup," he answered with his usual jubilant tone. "Much."
She smiled at that and couldn't resist running her fingers through his hair again.
"Kate, you did say we could talk," Tony reminded her gently and frowned when she flinched and stiffened, pulling away from him slightly. "Don't pull away now."
Kate sighed and sat back down; her hands, however, were no longer holding his. "What do you wanna talk about?"
"Us," he answered simply. "I want to clarify a few points you made on the roof that day."
"Tony – " Kate started to protest but was silenced when Tony raised a finger to place on her lips.
"Kate, what you said that day… makes me think that you feel something for me," he started as soon as she became quiet. "You said you could stand me treating you as a sister, but not when I got myself hurt. What do you mean by that?"
"I meant what you think it means," was Kate's cryptic response.
"Kate," Tony whined. "Please."
"Please, Tony," the female agent shook her head slightly. "Can we please forget about that and act as if it's never happened?"
"I can't," Tony denied. "Please, just tell me."
Kate looked at him, desperation in her eyes. "You really want to know, don't you?"
When Tony nodded and looked at her expectantly, she sighed.
Tony watched as Kate's mouth moved, and he thought he heard her said "I am in love with you," but he couldn't be sure.
"You're in love with me?" His good hand reached out to take one of hers.
Kate actually looked miserable as he asked the question. He could see unshed tears in her eyes, and it pained him. Before he could offer words of comfort, Kate elaborated, "That's why I'm asking you to be careful. Even though it breaks my heart to see you flirt with everyone with estrogen but me, it is nothing compared to the hurt of the prospect of you getting hurt."
Tony kept quiet. It pained him to know that Kate was hurting so much because of her feelings for him, and he cursed himself for not coming clean and tell Kate what exactly he was feeling, because, after all, he felt the same way for her.
The room was becoming suffocating for Kate. She had no idea what the newest revelation of her feelings would bring to their relationship, but the longer Tony kept quiet, the more she wanted to run. She needed to get out of there before Tony came to his senses and outright rejected her.
She was pulling away when Tony's hand reached out to take her smaller one in his. He tugged until she reluctantly sat much closer to him than she was.
"I should have my say-agreed?"
Kate didn't say anything. Her heart was beating so fast that she thought she would have a heart attack right there. She didn't know what was coming, though she had her suspicions. She was just sure this would not be something she would enjoy.
Tony studied her carefully and realized she was bracing herself for a hit she thought would be coming. Never had he imagined Kate would be so unsure of the effects she had on men.
"You know what I was thinking when Gibbs told me the bastard got you?" he started, still watching her carefully. "My mind was completely blank. I didn't know how to function. In that instant, I couldn't think of anything else but that fact that the bastard got you. I could only think of you."
He waited for Kate to give an opinion, but when none came, he continued, "Never in my life had I been so scared. I didn't know what to do to get you back, and honestly, I really didn't care. If Gibbs told me the only way to get you back would be to go kill the bastard with a bomb on myself, I would've done it. If it meant it would save you, I wouldn't have thought twice about it."
Tony couldn't help the tears building in his eyes when he thought back to the helplessness and panic he felt at that moment in the office. He had never known fear until then; he had never known love until then.
"I know it sounds tacky, Kate, but at that moment, I finally let myself admit how important you are to me, and how much I actually feel for you."
Kate froze after hearing Tony's words. Those were words she had only dreamed of being directed to her from Tony. She had to constantly remind herself that she wasn't dreaming at all.
After a long minute during which she gathered her thought, Kate let out a shaky sigh, "Did you say that to all the women you call the love of your life?"
Kate saw the shock on Tony's face at her question, and she suppressed her own want to snap at him for trying to act innocent about this.
"Because I can't do short-term, Tony. Not with you. If we do… this," she said, hesitating on defining their odd relationship, "it'll change everything. I don't think I could stand it if a… a romantic relationship between us failed. It would be hard enough ending our friendship."
Kate couldn't stop the fluttering she felt in her stomach. She wanted to believe him, wanted to just fall into his arms and let him hold her close. She wanted to know this kind of wonderful feeling actually belonged to her, but she didn't dare. She didn't dare to let herself dream of a future with Anthony Dinozzo, because he was a man of all women's dreams. She would never be able to compete with any of them.
Tony could only shake his head in attempt to stop her from going down that train of thought. He couldn't believe Kate was thinking about that, about how he would be able to let go of her once he'd tasted what it was like to be with her, really with her.
"You don't understand, Kate. I'm not looking for short-term. I'm looking for something that will last for a long time, as long as life itself, in fact," Tony released her hand and touched her cheek gently, to get his attention. "What I feel for you is strong-so strong that it blows me away every time I think about it."
When all Kate did was shake her head, doubt started to enter Tony's mind. "Do you mean what you said just now?"
Again, Kate didn't speak. She just nodded.
"Then why are you so reluctant to believe me?"
"You have more 'loves of your life' than I can count, Tony. Almost every week, you tell me about a new girl that you're falling in love with. I don't know what to believe anymore," she said miserably, tears falling freely down her cheeks. "I want to believe, so bad, but I am not sure if I can take it when you change your mind about us."
"I won't," Tony answered firmly. "I won't. Ask Gibbs if you have to. Ask Ducky. I'm telling the truth. You have to choose to believe me."
The internal debate inside Kate was waged in full force. She had lost any idea of what to believe at this point. His eyes, a voice in her mind spoke to her. Look into his eyes.
Gibbs' words came crashing back at her. Eyes can lie. She pushed down the hesitation incurred by those words. She could trust Tony's eyes.
"Look at me in the eyes," she demanded softly, and the injured man complied without a word. She bit her lips while searching the depths that she could so easily lose herself in.
"Tell me what you feel for me," she requested again, her eyes not once leaving his.
"I am falling in love with you," he responded, his eyes still in contact with hers. "Just like that."
The former profiler was touched by what she saw in his eyes. They housed the confusion and hurt caused by the conversation, and also the love Tony spoke of.
"And I love you," she murmured before bending down to kiss him on the forehead. "Now you go back to sleep and we'll take this one step at a time when you're doing better."
"You'll stay?"
"I will," Kate promised, her fingers again running through his hair. "Love you."
"Love you too."