True Love

It was Valentine's day. Ross was newly divorced, Monica and Chandler were still excited about each other and everyone else was single. Early in the evening, they had all gone round to Phoebe's to hang out and to play a game that she'd worked out.

'It's a true love game,' she announced. She had prepared a bag of herbs in a purple sating bag, and had drawn a circle in chalk on the floor. Everyone was standing outside the circle, looking down at it.

'What's that?' Monica asked.

'If you play this game, you will find out who your true love is,' she said. 'There'll be no more heartache with spending time with the wrong person.'

'Oh well, I don't need to play,' she said. Chandler just smiled.

'I don't need to play either,' Joey said.

'But you're always dating different women, Joey,' Rachel said.

'I love dating different women,' he said. 'It's great. I don't regret any of it.'

'Oh come on,' Chandler said, 'You've made mistakes, I remember –'

'Yeah but that's in the past,' Joey said, dismissively. 'I've met lots of nice girls. It's not so bad that they didn't last or anything.'

'But wouldn't you like to find The One?' Phoebe asked.

'Wouldn't that mean I couldn't date anyone else but her?' Joey asked, with a frown.

'Well that depends on what kind of girl she is,' Rachel laughed. 'Maybe his true love will allow him to date other people.'

'No, he means that he's afraid that he's got to find this girl straight away,' Chandler said.

'If it's your true love, why would that be a problem?' Phoebe asked.

'Oh come on,' Ross said, finally moved to intervene. 'This is a cute game, if you like this sort of thing but you're not taking any of this seriously are you? Joe? Get real.'

'No, no,' Joey said, looking anxiously at Phoebe.

'It's ridiculous,' Ross said.

'No it isn't,' Phoebe said riled.

'Sounds like just the thing for you, actually,' Chandler said.

'You can't afford any more mistakes,' Joey said.

'Well thank you,' Ross said sarcastically.

'Yeah,' Rachel said, 'Let Ross be first.' Enjoying his consternation, Monica added her vote.

'Make Ross go first.'

'I don't want to go first. I don't want to go at all,' Ross said, feeling touchy about everything.

'What, are you scared?' Phoebe smiled slyly.

'No, of course not. I don't believe in any of this.'

'If you don't believe in it, then it won't hurt if you do it,' Phoebe said.

'Don't be a party pooper Ross,' Rachel added. She didn't mind seeing him under a little pressure. He really needed to lighten up.

'I'll do it extra strong,' Phoebe said, adding a extra touch of sassafras to the bag she had prepared. 'That way, you'll literally be hit by your true love, no mistake.'

'I don't want anyone to hit me,' Ross said.

'Not hit as in slap your face. It will be nice, trust me. Hold this bag, stand in that circle, and say, 'Spirits of love, bring my true love to me.''

'Just that?'

'Just that,' Phoebe confirmed.

'What's the bag tied up with?' he asked.

'You don't want to know,' Phoebe said, instantly making everyone thing of the worst possible things. Ross held that bag by the material, not touching the tie and shrugged. It was all just a joke, really. She wondered how she was going to work it to make it look like Rachel was his true love. He could tell she secretly wanted this. He stepped into the circle looked at Phoebe and said, in a doleful voice,

'Spirits of love, bring my true love to me.'' The room was quiet. 'There see, nothing happened, of course. I wasn't expecting anything natur-' Suddenly it was as though someone had run straight into him. He staggered back. The other person staggered back in the other direction. She was almost naked, in a red push up bra, red G string and red top hat. Everyone stared.

'What the hell am I doing here?' Emily asked, looking around at them all.

'I - I just,' Ross stammered. This was not supposed to happen. He looked to Phoebe for help.

'You? You mean this is your fault?' Emily demanded. 'Somehow?' She was looking around at everything, people and things.

'Well, well.' He didn't know. He looked to Phoebe for help, but she was just staring at Emily.

'Do you realise what you've done?' Emily exclaimed. 'I was in the middle of, of…' her voice stuttered to a halt, realising that she was almost naked and that several pairs of eyes were on her, and not just Joey's. She suddenly took her hat off and tried to cover herself with it, but she couldn't decided which bit needed covering the most. Ross pulled off his jumper and threw it to her. She put it on. It only just covered her backside, and she folded her arms across her chest, trying to make herself as small as possible.

'Nice hat,' Monica said, eyeing her. Emily blushed.

'Whatever you're doing, I want to go back right now,' she said.

'Er,' Phoebe said. 'I don't know how.'

'What?' Everyone stared at her.

'There isn't a spell to rip true lovers apart. Real life does that all by itself,' Phoebe said.

'True love?' Emily asked in amazement. Everyone else's jaws had dropped too at Phoebe's statement. 'What's she talking about?' Emily demanded, turning on Ross. There was no way he was telling Emily what this was all about, no way, but it was clear everyone else was leaving it to him to explain.

'Phoebe made a mistake. She must have done the spell for bringing people I never want to see again back into my life,' Ross said. He stepped out of the circle. He had felt a little nervous about doing this, in case there was something charmed about the circle that would stop him doing it. It was a stupid, irrational and unscientific thought, but Emily was standing there, and there was no way that could happen.

'In that case, she's got two for the price of one,' Emily said, 'You needn't think I want to see you again. I was quite happy without you and then this happened.' She waved her arms at this, realised it raised the bottom her, or rather Ross's jumper and pulled the end of it down.

'Yes we know, looks like a good party you were at,' Joey said, unable to help himself. Ross and Emily glared at him.

'There was only one other person with me,' Emily snapped. 'I want to go back. Now.'

'We heard you the first time,' Ross said, feeling impatient. He wanted nothing more than to have her leave. 'Can't you see Phoebe's having problems? You making demands like that is breaking her concentration. Have a bit of consideration.' It was true that Phoebe was holding her head in her hands, trying to think of a way out of the mess. In a lower voice, Emily asked,

'So what was this supposed to be about? Some true love spell for Valentine's day? You really must have made a big mistake Phoebe.'

'If people would stop criticising me I might be able to think of a way out of it,' Phoebe said snappishly. It wasn't her fault, she was sure of it.

'I'm not criticising you Phoebe, I'm sure it was Ross's fault. If he can't get the right name at a wedding I'm sure he couldn't follow your instructions properly either.' Phoebe looked at Ross speculatively. Was that the reason? But it should have worked, regardless, because Phoebe was the one in control, not Ross. Maybe he was in too much turmoil. They were all staring back at her and she said,

'I'm trying. Let me think.'

'Maybe we should leave you in peace,' Monica said. Emily stepped out of the circle and everyone held their breath, in case she was somehow vapourised. Nothing happened she sat down on the couch.

'I'm not going anywhere. I'm only half dressed,' she announced.

'That's okay, we don't mind,' Joey said, making Monica pinch him. Emily drew her knees up and pulled the jumper over them.

'You'll stretch it,' Ross said, 'Don't go wrecking my clothes. I had to replace all of my furniture because of you, I don't want to have to replace my wardrobe as well.'

'I'm cold,' Emily said.

'Of course you are, dressed like that,' Ross said.

'I'll get you a skirt,' Monica said, ducking into her bedroom.

'What do you mean about your furniture?' Emily asked Ross.

'Well you said to get rid of my furniture because of Rachel and I did.'

'You actually did that?' Emily asked in amazement.

'I told you I did, didn't I?' Monica handed Emily a skirt. Emily thanked her, and put it on, before continuing,

'Yes but you also said that you'd stop seeing Rachel and you didn't…' Emily turned around to have a good look at Rachel and then back to Ross.

'Are you two together?'

'No!' Ross snapped. Emily was staring at him.

'Really no?'

'Yes, really.'

'But this thing? This is really something to do with True Love?' She was frowning.

'Yes,' Rachel said, taking the plunge because no-one else seemed to want to say anything.

'Then what…? No, this is some horrible joke,' Emily said. 'This can't be real, it's just a dream.' She pinched herself and then flinched.

'It's real all right,' Rachel said. Emily looked at Ross.

'It's a mistake,' Ross said.

'It must be,' Emily agreed.

'So we'll go,' Ross said, 'We'll leave Phoebe and Emily here, Phoebe, you can send her back and then you can join us in Central Perk.'

'We're not going to Central Perk,' Monica said. She and Chandler stood up, 'We're going out to dinner.'

'Oh,' Ross said. 'Well, Joey and Rachel and I will be there when you've finished Phoebe.'

'Just a minute,' Phoebe said quickly, 'Where are you going in such a hurry? What happens if I can't send her back?'

'Hey, I'm not a parcel!' Emily protested.

'Sorry, but what I mean to say is, what if I can't get you back to London? What if you're stuck here?' Phoebe asked.

'Well, she could stay with you Phoebe,' Ross said, his voice almost squeaking.

'She should stay with you Ross, you're the one who called her here. I don't appreciate that you're trying to run away,' Phoebe said severely. They'd all been keen to hang around when it was fun but now that there was a problem they were trying to run away – or at least, it was Ross who was trying to run away.

'Oh that's all right, let him go,' Emily said. 'He'll be no use anyway.'

'Excuse me?' Ross demanded.

'Well what can you do Ross?' Emily mocked, 'I know, send Phoebe some roses.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well it's a pointless gesture that won't actually achieve anything, but you can have fun thinking that you did do something meaningful.'

'Well the way you treated those roses I sent you was pretty damn full of meaning,' Ross said, getting angry. 'You didn't have to do that.'

'I was angry with you and hurt, can't you understand that?' Emily snapped back.

'Well I was angry and hurt too!'

'I don't know what you had to be angry and hurt about, you weren't the one who was humiliated in front of everyone.'

'I'm sorry about that but – '

'Please guys,' Phoebe said, 'This isn't helping me.'

'I'm sorry Phoebe,' Emily said.

'Yeah, me too,' Ross said.

'Why don't you two go and talk quietly in another room,' Phoebe said, 'Maybe if you just get rid of the anger and tension, I might be able to do something. I can't think with you two like this.'

'Okay,' Ross said. 'Not that we've got anything to say.'

'No,' Emily said.

'But we'll sit somewhere else if you want,' Ross said. They hesitated and then Ross added. 'Does anyone need to use the bathroom?'

'No,' everyone said, mystified. Ross and Emily went to the bathroom.

'What are they going there for?' Joey asked.

'The only other choice is a bedroom,' Monica said.

'Yeah,' Joey said. 'It'd be hard to stop thinking about that underwear she's got on. That was hot.'

'Phoebe,' Monica said, 'Do you want us to stay?' Her eyes pleaded with Phoebe to say no.

'No, you two go,' Phoebe said. 'Go out and have some fun.' Monica and Chandler left, almost running out of the apartment.

'Do you really think they're going out to dinner?' Rachel asked.

'They said so, didn't they?' Joey said. Rachel sighed and then said to Phoebe. 'Why don't you have a rest? You'll give yourself a headache. Have something to drink.' Phoebe nodded and made herself some chamomile tea.

'I really don't think that I did anything wrong,' Phoebe said after a few minutes silence.

'I was afraid you'd say that,' Rachel said. Phoebe squeezed her hand and Rachel added, 'I'm okay. He's rejected me before and it's not as though we were moving back together after she got out of the way.' She gave a long sigh. 'I suppose that means there's another true love out there for me.'

'Well I could always work on that,' Phoebe said.

'No thanks,' Rachel said firmly, 'We've had enough for one night. What if you bring me and my true love together and it's the wrong time and then we miss our chance altogether? I think timing is important too. There are some things we're not meant to know.' Phoebe looked at Joey.

'I'll pass, Phoebe.' He got up, stretched and then said, 'Now that Ross and Emily are in the bathroom I just realised I needed to go.'

'Oh Joey!' Rachel said.

'Relax, it's not as though I'll be interrupting anything,' Joey said. 'They can vacate the bathroom for a minute.' He walked to the bathroom and Phoebe had a sip of her tea.

'Well, I guess I'll –'

'Hey guys!' Joey said, racing back into the room, his eyes wide, 'Ross and Emily are making out. I walked in on them and they didn't even notice.'

'Come on, Joey,' Rachel said, 'Let's go.'

'Hey,' Phoebe said, 'You can't leave me here.'

'You're not going to be able to magic Emily away. Your spell worked,' Rachel said. She was right, Phoebe realised. 'Anyway, why don't you come out with us?' Rachel added. So Phoebe did, leaving Ross and Emily to do whatever they wanted.