Small one shot on the horrors of men wearing short shorts without shaving their legs. I know Lucius is OOC but I imagine him this way when hyper.
Tom Marvolo Riddle was not known for silence. Indeed, he was often found proclaiming grand monologues to whoever would listen (or could be forced to at least seem to be listening). He most especially enjoyed making long-winded speeches when fighting his lowly adversaries, just to remind them exactly who thought of them as the annoying gum on the bottom of his shoe. Now, though, in the climactic Final Battle with his arch-nemesis, one Harry James Potter, the self-appointed Lord Voldemort was speechless.
Not bothering to close his mouth and regain his composure, Tom's eyes began to twitch as he raised an arm to point accusingly at Harry. "What in the nine circles of hell are you wearing?" Harry looked down at himself, oblivious to the imaginary shriek of dismay going through Voldemort's skull. The young Gryffindor was wearing what looked like very tight boxers with almost all of the legs cut off. The legs he was showing off were muscular, but thoroughly lived up to the boy's name with thick, bushy, entangled... Fur.
Somewhere in the imaginary screams of horror, Harry had given Tom his answer and Tom stopped a moment to digest it. The vein in his cheek began pulsing dangerously as it sunk in. "Short… shorts?"
Harry nodded earnestly.
A rather irate balloon seemed to inflate inside of Tom and explode ferociously. "YOU DARE TRY TO PASS OFF THOSE PANTIES AS SHORTS?"
A Death Eater, raising his hand slightly as if unaccustomed to any environment outside of school, volunteered, "I think they're hot."
Seeing the bronze-sprayed mask and pale blonde hair, Tom's jaw dropped dangerously low. "Draco Lucien Malfoy?" Eeeeeeew. Several Death Eaters backed up, frightened of the vein jerking erratically as if trying to jump out of the Dark Lord's forehead.
Tom threw his whole arm into a flourish as he jabbed his wand in Harry's direction, "AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Two bodies slumped to the ground and Tom growled, unsatisfied as he clenched his hand sporadically around his yew wand. (1)
"VOLDERS!" A voice chirped overenthusiastically.
Voldemort turned to find- one of his Inner Circle Death Eaters in- in- in-
Lucius beamed happily, "I found these in a boutique near France, aren't they divine? These 'short shorts' are great!"
Tom closed his eyes, willing patience.
"I like to feel the wind rushing through my thigh hair!" Lucius cried, spinning in circles.
Tom's eyes snapped open, "Avada…"
(1) I have to say, that is the most accidentally perverted sentence I have ever written or said. EVER.