Holding My Breath

by Trycee

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files. It is owned by Chris Carter and Fox.

Time line: Seventh Season before All Things.

Its indescribable, the emotions I have as I stroke her hair, feeling her sink into my arms as she snores softly against my chest. Was it real? Was I awake? Did I deserve her?

How amazing it is that this has become a routine lately...she knocks on the door in the middle of the night, of course I'm awake, she falls asleep on my couch and this is how we end up, snuggled up together, my arms wrapped around her small exquisite shoulders while she sleeps peacefully in my arms. When she first started showing up at my apartment late at night, I was surprised to say the least...I had never expected it...I dreamt of it but never thought it would ever happen... we'd try watching an old movie and in no time she'd be asleep on the other end of the couch. I'd spend the rest of the night watching every breath she made as she curled up to one of my couch pillows, a blanket draped over her. I studied every strand of her hair, every line of her face, every curve of her body. But then one day she feel asleep right next to me, her head laying on my arm, so I laid back on the couch and pulled her up close to me, afraid she'd wake and protest but she didn't. I knew she wasn't fully asleep...her breathing had stopped for a few seconds but her eyes remained closed...and so I placed a pillow behind my head and pulled her up even more into my chest so her head lay beneath mine. Then she did something I didn't expect her too...she snuggled into my chest, sighed and fell asleep. My heart stopped...I don't even think I was breathing... I couldn't help but stare at her the entire night...my fear was that she would wake up and push me away from her but she didn't, not even in the morning. Instead she smiled up at me, a rare miracle in itself, and asked what time it was. I had been holding my breath but I managed to tell her the time. She didn't act revolted or shy to my surprise instead she announced that she better get home to change and that she'd meet me at work. As she rose up and grabbed her things, we locked eyes for a moment and then she smiled letting me know that everything was okay...

I didn't expect this to happen again but it did. It was something I wanted so badly...I would wait up nearly the entire night hoping she would knock on my door...I only had to wait a few days and she was back, fully dressed as if she'd changed, brushed her soft red hair and applied her makeup again just to come over here. This woman that I thought rested more peacefully than I did seemed to not be able to sleep until she was at my place, with me. I thought for sure she'd fall asleep on the opposite side of the couch again but she didn't...she seemed to know what she wanted and so she fell asleep on my shoulder again. After a few nights of this, I began just stretching my legs out on the couch, the pillow behind my head and she would positioned herself next to me laying her head on my chest. In that moment time stood still...I was too afraid to move, afraid she'd change her mind...and as if she could hear my thoughts she looked up at me and said, "Good nite Mulder." I nearly collapsed from the love I felt for her...this woman that I've dreamt of holding in my arms was with me and wanted to be...I got no sleep that night or subsequent ones like it. Eventually though I was brave enough to touch her face as she slept, run my fingers over her lips, and brush a few strands of hair out of her face which blocked me from seeing it all...I needed to see it all...this beautiful petite woman that I craved in my life was there with me...she wasn't hiding her feelings from me anymore. She knew my heart for a long time but here she was finally letting me hold her without any injuries, without hospital tubes, without tears...just she and I. I stayed awake wondering why it took so long for her to show me...why did it take so long for me to show her...what had finally changed in her that she would allow me this glimpse into our future together...Soon though I was sleeping...I was getting the best sleep of my life when she lay peacefully in my arms. After years of being a clinical insomniac, I fell asleep more soundly and deeply than I could ever imagine. God I loved this woman more than she'd ever know...

After we'd laid together this way a few times, I woke up and to my surprise she was laying on my chest, her eyes resting on me. She slid up further and kissed my lips softly, a gentle but potent kiss. I could have passed out from that kiss...how can I describe ecstasy? How do I describe the collision of planets, of volcanoes erupting, of stars aligning...the look in her eyes...those eyes that can drop me to my knees when she's in pain, that can lift my soul when she smiles...was smiling at me at that very moment.

"Breathe Mulder," I heard her say.

I gulped the air and she laughed a little. I laughed back, realizing how silly I must have looked. She got up and then reached out her hand for me as if she could physically lift me up. I took her hand and stood up and she then outstretched her arms and wrapped them around my waist. OH GOD...I thought. How can I deserve her? I hugged her back feeling her warmth around me, I lifted her up against me a little and she giggled. The sound of her laughter made me weak... I couldn't speak...

"I've got to go home and change...I'll meet you at work," she said, reluctantly pulling away from me. I felt my heart rip open...as I held her hands, she gripped mine tighter and I relaxed.

"You could always keep some clothes here," I said, afraid of what she might say. She smiled up at me. "That's a good idea," she responded.

I let out the air I was holding in my lungs. She smiled shyly as she grabbed up her keys. "I'll bring breakfast to work...we've got a meeting with Skinner this morning..."

"Alright," I managed to say. She waved and walked out the door. I stood there a moment...Better than I ever imagined...I thought to myself. Its only going to be better...I then slapped myself in the face trying to convince myself that it was real. I can't believe it...she's showing me she loves me...she's finally showing me... I slapped myself again and then made my way towards the showers...I needed a very cold shower.