If

…What if my life had been different? I know I have plenty to do and I shouldn't be sitting around wondering, but…I can't shake the depression when it comes over me. Some people don't credit me with being very thoughtful, but it depends on my mood. Now I'm sitting here being pampered as a war hero, getting to know Suki better and enjoying my vacation.

Next month I'll go back to the Southern Water Tribe and do some business there; I'll be busy. So why I am I wasting my vacation with pointless thought? All the "what ifs" are crowding in on my brain, and I'm tired of ignoring them. So I'll peruse them in the library of my mind.

What if Yue hadn't left the mortal world? What if she—the object of my deepest affection—had stayed with me? Well, then the world would probably be destroyed for lack of a moon. But supposing all that moon stuff never happened. What if she was just fine, and I could admire her every hour, being thrilled by her touch and adoring every word from her mouth?

If Yue had been fine…would she have chosen me? What if she did the right thing for her people and married according to the rules of culture? I don't know. Supposing she chose me. I can see that future so clearly in my head. If she would return my affection, my life would be different; not perfect, but different.

I see myself with Yue forever. Ours was not a child crush, even if I am a child. We would have stayed together—none of this dating just trying to be accepted, or leaving each other two weeks in. We would have been together forever.

Or…would we? My heart is resisting the things that come before me now, but my soul knows they are true. If Yue and I had been together, if I got my heart's desire, would we really be happy? Of course I dream that we would. But then I get to thinking, I'm in no place to commit to something like that. I would give my life for Yue if it came down to sudden death, but if it meant giving her my everyday life, all that work and responsibility—well, I just don't know.

I don't see myself with Yue forever. I see my childish heart wanting freedom for a while longer. I see that I need to find my dream and my future before I can offer a lifetime dream with another person. It really hurts to say that.

So many times, my dear Yue, I have tried to let you go. For the first half of the year, I couldn't get you out of my mind. I cried almost every time I thought about you. I still miss you. I will always miss you. But I can't let you just fester in my heart. I need to move on—I'm sure that you have by now. I love you, Yue. I love you so much I don't even understand it. And yet, for all that love, I know we weren't supposed to be together. You don't know how much it hurts to say that, but it's true.

So, the "ifs" in my mind are still blowing around like leaves in the wind. What if you and I had been together? It would not have been destiny. I will visit Yue in my thoughts again, and I will go through all these thoughts again. But for right now, I have to stop wondering about the "if" and move on to the "is." My life is promising. My life is going to be a long and happy one. And it is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to "if."

…At least, for now.