AN- Definitely not mine, bit AU, not beta-ed.
The problem of being from an abusive family is that you forget to trust anyone completely. Even though they are close to you, you just can't trust them despite of what other's think. You want someone, someone special to understand you, to love you, to care for you but at the same time you want to be left alone in your emotional times because being with someone who loves you comes with a high price. The price of being vulnerable in front of them, to bare your soul in front of them which you cannot afford to pay
Even though for an experiment you take a loan and you bare your soul to that special someone you've found the interest of the loan is always much higher than the original sum and much destructive later than what you've achieved by taking the loan. You pay the interest by being more insecure, by pointing out each and every single and even trivial mistake of your partner, you desperately try to find a massive fault in that perfect person who has chosen you.
That person may or may not be perfect but if she has decided to love a totally ducked up person like you then the person is no less than perfect.
You become so desperate in finding a fault in that person that it starts coming in a verge of being cruel towards them. Not considering their feelings for yourself, pretending not being in love with them and not showing your feelings to that person directly gives us a feeling of triumph which is no less than winning a battle.
The problem starts when that person doesn't gives up on you, no matter what you do. Your partner's stubbornness makes you realize what's wrong with you and you start working on it to overcome those hitches in your life. You start trying to become a better person because of that stupid -yes really really stupid- person in your life who didn't give up on you.But till the time you start working on yourself you've already destroyed your relationship and you start to give up.
And that's what happened with me, my wife.
And now I can't do anything more than to apologize to you, for all the days I didn't talk to you in fear of being vulnerable, for all the times I called you clingy when I thought if you will spend more time with me you'll see the real me, for all the days I spent more time at work than at home to avoid emotional moments celebrated be other normal peoples and more importantly to avoid the perfect you with your perfect past and perfect personality.
I'm sorry for all the emotional tortures that I inflicted on you and on our relationships. From now on I'll not disrupt you, you're free from any bounds from my side. If you want to leave me leave me now and start living your life I'll not complain once because you've done more than enough for me.
And if you do leave me I promise to you that I will not go back to being my previous self nor will spend my whole life pining after my failed relationships or ill fate, I will continue to be my this changed self, continue to be the better person that you made and will start taking more loans to trust someone so at least others can see how much of a wonderful person you are.
You're free to do anything you choose and I'll accept and support any decision taken by you.
Your husband and lover,
Harry