Disclaimer: The characters of Star Trek are not mine. I wish...

Author's Notes: Hello all! This little idea has been flitting around between my cohort KC and I for a good long time, (since our 'letters' series). I was finally inspired to write it down after seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness (Which was EPIC, by the way. I won't say more than that), so here it is!

From the writers of Letter to the Manufacturer…we bring you…

TECHNICAL SUPPORT

This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes.

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AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE technical support line. This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes. Please note: at any time you may return to the main menu. Just say: 'Menu'. If you would like to speak with an agent, say 'Agent'. …. Please state which of our products you are calling about: Tricorder, PADD, Biobed—

CALLER: Biobed.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Biobed. Great, thank you. What seems to be the problem? Is it: Readings, Diagnoses, Support—

CALLER: The damn thing doesn't work.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not understand. What seems to be the problem? Is it: Readings, Diagnoses, Supp—

CALLER: The whole thing doesn't work. None of it.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not—

CALLER: For the love of—Readings.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Readings. Got it, thanks. What appears to be wrong with readings? Is it: difficulty in taking readings, unclear information given, partial or missing information—

CALLER: All of the above.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not understand—

CALLER: My god! Difficu—Unclear information.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I did not understand your request. Could you please repeat that?

CALLER: [INDISTINCT. UNABLE TO TRANSLATE.]

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: New Language detected. Vulcan. Accepted. Nashaut. Sos gol'nev du?

CALLER: What the hell?!

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Kup-rai s'frei. Sanu ashiv-tor.

CALLER: Dammit! Sickbay to Uhura; would you mind coming down here? Now, please.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Du aitlu fun-tor Teraya-eingelsu?

CALLER: What's wrong?—The damn robot phone operator is speaking Vulcan! Here—

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Kup-rai s'frei. Du aitlu fun-tor Teraya-eingelsu?

CALLER: Ah. Teraya-eingelsu dvolau.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Navun. Federation Standard Language set. How can I help you?

CALLER: Here.—Thank you, ma'am. Now—

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: How can I help you?

CALLER: Just put a real person on the line.

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, I do not—

CALLER: For god's sake, Agent!

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENATIVE: I'm sorry—

CALLER: AGENT!

AUTMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Agent. Okay. Please hold for the next available service representative.

CALLER: Thank you.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support. My name is Daniel. How can I assist you?

CALLER: My biobeds are not working.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry, but that is not my department; this is billing. Please hold while I transfer you to the correct department.

~ERROR. COMMUNICATION LOST. ~

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE technical support line. This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes. Please note: at any time you may return to the main menu. Just say: 'Menu'. If you would like to speak with an agent, say 'Ag-

CALLER: AGENT!

AUTMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Agent. Okay. Please hold for the next available service representative.

CALLER: Please, before I die of old age.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support; my name is Narlia. How can I help you?

CALLER: My biobeds aren't working.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Can you be more specific?

CALLER: Four out of my ten new biobeds either won't take readings or the information is wrong, partial, or missing altogether.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry to hear that. What have you tried in order to correct the problem?

CALLER: Just about everything I can think of.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Have you tried restarting them?

CALLER: No. – Of course I have! That was the first thing I did.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Are you sure that they were fully shut down before being restarted?

CALLER: Yes! I restarted the machines several times. Same thing every time.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: And that didn't fix the problem?

CALLER: If it did, why would I be calling you?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I see. How did the problems first manifest?

CALLER: It said I was Vulcan.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: And are you Vulcan?

CALLER: …

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Sir?

CALLER: No, I am not a Vulcan.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I see. Please go to the biobed's main screen. Under the settings menu there should be a heading for 'calibrations'. Do you see it?

CALLER: Yeah, I do.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I am sending you a command code to enter in the calibrations screen. Did you receive the code?

CALLER: yeah. Got it. Entering it now.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: What is the biobed computer doing?

CALLER: Rebooting. Give it a minute.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Let me know when it has restarted.

CALLER: Done. Let me test the thing. … Well, it's got the species right but now it's telling me that I'm pregnant.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Congratulations.

CALLER: I am a human male.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Are you—…

CALLER: You weren't just about to ask me if I'm sure that I am a human male, were you?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE:…um… I am sending you another command code. Please enter this one in the same screen as before. Let me know when you've completed it.

CALLER: Done. It's calibrating. Say, you aren't by some chance affiliated with Garrison Henneley Co., are you?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Yes, Garrison Henneley Co. is our mother company. How did you know?

CALLER: I recognize the outstanding customer service quality. Finally, the computer's done. Give me a second to test it. Get over here, lieutenant! Sit down. Yeah, it seems to be working okay now. Will this code work for the others?

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Yes.

CALLER: Great.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Is there anything else I can help you with?

CALLER: Nope. Goodbye.

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support, and have a nice day. … Sir?

~COMMUNICATION TERMINATED~

AUTOMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE technical support line. This communication may be monitored and or recorded for quality and training purposes. Please note: at any time you may return to the main menu. Just say: 'Menu'. If you would like to speak with an agent, -

CALLER: AGENT!

AUTMATED SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE: Agent. Okay. Please hold for the next available service representative.

CALLER: [TRANSLATION CENSORED]

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: Thank you for contacting PULSE Technical Support; my name is Kreah. How can I help you?

CALLER: Narlia told me that the code would work for all of the biobeds…

LIVE REPRESENTATIVE: I'm sorry sir; that is not my department. Transferring you now.

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Thoroughly enjoyed writing this little bit. :) Let us know what you think! And Thanks again to KC!