DISCLAIMER: I do not own Animorphs. This should be obvious.
This is set to 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash. During the time period of the Animorphs.
So I was at a restaurant the other day (lol), sitting at one of the outside tables with my boyfriend, and this song came on. It made me think about Alloran again. That was what made me want to write this, but I have to admit that the inspiration from this comes from a video on youtube centered around Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader set to the song 'Hurt'. (You should look it up –very good!) Yes, I know I'm a total dork for being inspired to write a songfic by a fan vid. :P
Hurt
Alloran sighed, bored, as the Visser tapped his fingers impatiently on the restaurant's table. It wasn't a fine restaurant – just some 'Sharing' meeting at a local southwest grill but the Visser's human morph was required to be there for appearances sake. Esplin allowed Alloran temporary use of his eyes, in human form of course (he found the Andalite was much more passive when given little freedoms –of course, the fight had long ago been mostly drained from Alloran).
The Visser snarled impatiently and over at another table, two girls looked curiously. He smiled at them and they, unnerved by his smile, smiled back nervously and turned back to their conversation. It was the look in his eyes that bothered them – something so tenacious like the grip of a pit bull and the way his eyes glimmered. It was like prey, Alloran reflected and felt a light rush of amusement from the Visser; they could sense something wrong underneath the mask, even if they couldn't see it outright.
Alloran had heard whispers before, while he was restrained and drugged during the Visser's feeding time, that anyone could see from 'a mile away' that the Visser was 'mad,' 'ruthless,' and he'd even once heard 'damn evil.' Esplin still laughed whenever the phrase bubbled up in the Andalite's consciousness. Damn evil. Damn evil was a perfect way to describe it too, Alloran reflected, though this only served to give the Visser an odd rush of pride. (Esplin loved how they all cowered from him in his host, and other Yeerks even stayed away in the pool from him, so that even in his most vulnerable form, the Visser was feared.)
Yet Alloran's mind kept going back that day - thought it seemed his mind was doing this a lot lately anyway, preoccupied with retrospect and nostalgic thoughts (perhaps he truly was getting old? He wondered) – to the Yeerk he had known before 'Damn evil.' Of course, Esplin had never been truly pleasant, but he could remember the Sub-visser who had first infested him. A young Yeerk delighted with his new host, congratulated by many around him, Yeerks that still felt comfortable in his presence. Long before he was feared, long before he was…
Alloran felt a sting at the base of his spine, growing slowly and agonizingly upwards and backed off the thoughts. Esplin didn't like it when Alloran thought of him in such terms. The Andalite could think of anything else he wanted – Esplin would just be there to mock and laugh at him – but he was not allowed to think about Esplin, to dissect and analyze. If there was anything Esplin hated it was the analytical part of the Andalite mind. Esplin himself had been very cunning and analytical as a younger Yeerk…but in his older age, he seemed to be losing it. (This thought earned Alloran a sharper round of pain). Suddenly, Alloran noticed the bars of a new song playing in the restaurant…
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
Alloran found himself bitterly amused. Well pain was certainly what he'd felt most the past two decades. But he found himself actually listening to this song, while he normally found human songs to be slightly irritating and repetitive. This human's voice was deep, dark, and oddly soothing.
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
'Interesting,' Alloran reflected, feeling a small pleasure at the rush of anger from Esplin. Esplin knew what he was thinking about. Esplin knew before the Andalite even pictured it in his mind.
Alloran's mind had gone back in time and was picturing it now – Esplin decades ago shaking his head coldly at a Hork-Bajir controller about to be shoved out of a bug fighter in atmosphere. Perhaps he had always been damn evil…
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Alloran's merriment at the Visser's anger went up in smoke in an instant, the image of a heartbreakingly beautiful face appearing. He wanted to curse the Visser, but he knew he only had his own mind to blame, for it was his own mind that brought the image up.
His sweetest friend.
Jahar. He closed the Visser's eyes and breathed heavily, then opened the eyes again in surprise that he had been able to breathe. The Visser instantly took control of the body again; he had been slipping like this recently and it seemed to be more of a problem as the years went by…
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
They had all gone away. He thought of all the warriors he had once been friends with as Arisths: Lirem, Sofor…all of the Andalites I had fought alongside with through the years. They had either died or were light years away.
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
Empire? If Alloran didn't believe in Ellimists, he would have been very suspicious. What was with this human song, speaking directly to him when no song, not even another voice besides the Visser's, had spoken to him in so long?
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
He had made his wife hurt. Alloran wanted to strike his human fists on something. The Visser laughed in his mind as the song Alloran was relating to was apparently backfiring on the Andalite emotionally.
He had devastated his wife with the shame of his actions on the Hork-Bajir home world. If that was not enough, he had shamed her even more greatly with his inability to end his own life after being enslaved by a Yeerk. He had failed his love, even while trying to do what was best for the people. But he could not vindicate himself in that, he thought, for he alone was responsible for his actions and his motives mattered not. Not when Jahar was all alone with their children.
Though now, he reflected with pain in his hearts, they were probably no longer children anyway.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Alloran began to weep and felt a wave of revulsion from Esplin. The Yeerk never liked feeling the Andalite's intense despair and loneliness. If there was a way to mute the Andalite's feelings, it would have made him a perfect host slave.
Alloran felt morosely in love with this strange song. He felt what he hadn't in a long while - a wave of love a stranger, the writer of this song.
The crown of thorns he wore...Esplin...his liar.
'Silence Andalite!' Esplin sent a sharp wave of agony, but Alloran's mind continued on its own.
The broken thoughts that cluttered his broken mind that would never be repaired.
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
Esplin's own mind froze, the line oddly suggestive. He wondered if Alloran's feelings would one day disappear… then he realized he was thinking wishfully and remembered something else. The feelings that had already disappeared – Alloran's mad rage and struggle against him had ceased nearly ten years before when the Andalite had finally broken down.
You are someone else
I am still right here
Esplin suddenly wanted to use a shredder on the people in charge of the music in this restaurant. For one moment he considered walking up to the manager and asking if he would change the music, but he knew the human would probably not comply, despite the honor that human vendors seemed to award 'customers.'
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
Alloran was no longer paying attention to the outside world, other than the music flowing to him. He wanted to write every word on his hearts, though he knew he would probably only retain a few. Perhaps one day he might be able to find this song again? He knew it was probably ridiculous, as the Visser avoided listening to human music, but he hoped so.
Esplin felt his anger burning up as he swept the restaurant with his eyes for the humans he was supposed to meet again. Damn it all, what was taking them so long?
Curse this planet. Curse these humans and their music. He would burn it all – destroy their stupid culture and their music. He smiled slowly with satisfaction.
'You hear me Andalite?' he hissed. 'I will destroy it all, raze it all down…and my people will destroy their very souls. As I have done yours.'
Alloran was still off in his own world, apparently, ignoring the Visser's hungry threats.
If I could start again
Alloran gasped. This song…it was absolutely perfect – every line reaching to him. It was a perfectly arched tail blade, striking into his hearts again and again. The pain was oddly sweet. He realized he felt more alive than he had in years. He wanted to smile as he remembered a line from earlier: 'the only thing that's real.'
A million miles away
He thought of himself on the Hork-Bajir home world, a million miles away; it was the first image to appear in his mind.
I would keep myself
I would find a way
Would he have done anything differently? He liked to think that he would have. He knew, however, in reality that he probably would not have done a single thing differently – if anything, he probably would have released the virus himself and earlier. It gave him a feeling of shame, but it also gave him a small amount of pride. He could admit to himself his own brokenness. He could confess that he was dark, that he was capable of great evil. He knew the evil of his actions and that selfishness and desperation had driven him to seek such a cruel solution to his problems. He acknowledged that there was another way...that he should have taken despite his desperation.
As another song, more upbeat and once again meaningless to Alloran, came on and life continued around him, he thought of his beginnings even farther back on the Yeerk home world. Would he have done anything differently there? Would he have treated his Prince with more mercy instead of lashing out at him?
No. How he had acted was a reaction of grief to his soldiers. But he would have fought with his Prince before it all happened for the right of his troops to carry their shredders and fire them if necessary rather than standing down before a threat. Perhaps then, he thought for the millionth time with grief, there would never have been a Yeerk 'empire.'
But he knew they had never seen it coming. Their typical Andalite arrogance had made them underestimate those they saw as only slugs at their hooves.
'Who's the lowly one now?' the Yeerk in his mind taunted at this thought - a line Alloran had heard probably several hundred thousand times. Alloran said nothing, ignoring the Visser. He thought again of the one person he felt he had hurt more than anyone – Jahar.
My sweetest friend…
Perhaps everyone would go away in the end. But he hoped that first, he would have a chance to apologize to her, a chance for forgiveness from her for his failures, a chance at spending each day with her and healing together…a chance at somehow making things right.
I hope you enjoyed that :) Please review! I'm working on more Alloran fanfics (not songfics but longer length ones) like my fic 'Paid For' so I always appreciate reviews/comments on my introspection and characterization of Alloran and Visser Three.