Lena stretched in bed, her muscles feeling loose and relaxed, body bare. A lazy smile spread across her face as she remembered the former night. It had started frosty, Stef was exhausted from pulling a double shift, her mood short, and Lena had needed to talk to her about the kids and some financial issues. Stef's reaction was less than what Lena was hoping for and it had launched the two into a heated argument. But then later they'd both come to bed, silent and stiff until Lena casually mentioned that they both had the next day off, a somewhat rare occasion as of late. Within moments the two were laughing, making plans for the next day and then suddenly they were kissing, ready to spend a good portion of the night "making up."
As Lena remembered a particularly delicious part of their evening, her arm stretched out, reaching for her lover. Disappointment filled her being as her fingertips met nothing but cold sheets. She cracked an eye to see the empty spot next to her and Stef's alarm clock which read, 5:13am. She groaned, the two of them had planned to sleep in, until at least eight. Especially Stef, who she'd made promise to stay put. Lena worried so much about her, especially during the rough weeks when exhaustion was written all over Stefs face, even in the way she moved.
She sat up, wrapping the sheets around her naked form. The room was cool and the house was silent, a rare occasion. Lena shuffled to the nearest window and pulled the curtains aside. Her heart melted at the predictable sight. There was her love, dark plaid pajama pants, blonde hair spilling over a cream knit sweater that she'd clearly snatched from Lena's side of the closet. There was a steaming mug of tea in her hand, settled on her knee, that was long forgotten as her eyes stay focused on the small spot in the backyard marked with painted rocks.
A few minutes later, Lena crept through the hallway, careful not to wake any of her sleeping babies. And silently descended the stairs. The backdoor was cracked open and she hesitated in the doorway, not wanting to disturb her lover. She loved Stef the way she was, goofy, loud, with the attention span of a child Jude's age. But her love felt amplified in these rare moments that only she saw, the moments of quiet thought.
"I know you're your trying to be stealthy love."
Lena couldn't help but smile as the words reached her ears. She padded toward Stef who was sat cross legged on the edge of their patio. Lena took a seat next to her, sleepily nestling her head into her lovers neck.
"I wanted to wake up next to you Stef," She murmured into her neck.
She was rewarded with a kiss on the top of her head and a hand toying with the hem at the back of her shirt.
"I know, I'm sorry love. I had a dream and I had to get up instead of just lying there thinking."
"Again?" Lena asked, pulling away.
Her heart broke as she saw her lover's skin. Pale, tear stained. Her blue eyes glazed and glassy. Stef sighed and Lena knew she was holding back tears. She leaned in, giving the other woman a small, soft kiss. They'd been through this so many times now, there was only so much comfort either one could offer.
"What was it like this time?" Lena asked.
Stef hesitated and drew in a breath, "It doesn't matter."
Lena ran a comforting hand down her loves arm, "I hate it when you won't talk to me."
"We lived through it once. I have to relive it in my dreams. Talking about it just feels like a third time."
Lena's eyes faltered, she understood but it didn't change the fact that she wished Stef would talk to her, "We used to talk about it all the time."
"We used to have to."
"Just because time passes doesn't mean it goes away," Lena countered.
Stef drew in a breath, "I know that."
Lena looked out into the yard. Her eyes landed on the brightly colored rocks which made the shape of a small heart. "We used to plant a rose bush there every year. Why'd we stop?"
"Work, the kids, life," she paused, "and maybe sometimes it was just easier to pretend it didn't happen."
"It shouldn't have."
Stef grabbed Lena's hand.
"I'll tell you about the dream."
Lena turned toward her even though she was sure Stefs eyes would remain on the yard, which they did.
"The dreams used to be bad. They were always the baby. I mean of course you were there and there was our bathroom floor, you were so pale. And the blood, there was a lot of blood. And then we'd be in the hospital and they'd hand her to me. I'd be holding her, crying because you were asleep and because I couldn't feel her heart beat. It'd be just like it really was," she sniffed and turned toward Lena, "But it's not like that anymore. Because the babies gone, our little girl has been gone for 7 years and I've dealt with that. But you, you're still here. And every time something happens like last night. Every time you feel like wringing my neck or I get angry with you, my mind brings me back there. I dream of the weeks after. The weeks where we slept in separate rooms. When we barely looked at each other. When we couldn't talk without crying and screaming because we were so angry and we were so, so broken."
The tears that lined her eyes finally spilled over as she continued, "It's a nightmare Lena. An absolute hell and it kills me every time. And then I wake up and you're lying there so peaceful and beautiful and it breaks my heart all over again."
Lena's mind took a moment to catch up with the quick, strangled words of her upset wife. She wanted to reach out and touch her, to say something that would fix everything, to hold her and reassure her that they would never go through something like that again. But she couldn't. Her mind was blank and the only thoughts she could form were ones of regret.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner baby?" Lena whispered.
"I didn't want to upset you."
Lena almost laughed an angry, sad laugh, "I hate that about you Stef."
Stef's watery eyes looked up, filled with concern as she met her wife's pleading brown eyes.
"I mean I love that about you," she continued, "But I also hate it. You would rather suffer alone, hide your feelings and how upset you are, than tell me what's going on inside your head. That's not how it should be." She reached for Stef's hand, "I want you to tell me everything, especially something like that. Because if I knew, I would never let you fall asleep if I thought there was even a small chance that those dreams would haunt you. I would rather stay up all night, holding you in my arms and reassuring you that no matter how angry I' am, we won't go through that again. Were so much stronger now Stef. Our daughter made us so much stronger." Finally Lena's own tears sprang from her eyes, two small drops lining her face.
Stef choked back a sob and leaned into her wife, kissing her forehead, her nose, her wet cheeks and her leaky eyes before finally settling on her beautiful lips. They stayed like that for a while, just being together, until the chilly morning air got to the best of them. They shuffled up the stairs, trying to convince each other they should shower, get dressed, start their day. But neither complained when they collapsed in the middle of the bed together, only finally opening their eyes a few hours later. And when Lena looked around the house a few hours later and her wife was nowhere to be found, she didn't worry. That was Stefs way, she needed her own time, and Lena had always respected that. But when she heard a small noise coming from the backyard, curiosity got the best of her. A grin spread over her face as a warmth spread over her heart. There, in the center of the yard, in the middle of the heart was her beautiful wife. She wiped her dirty hands on her pants and stood up, smiling at her work. She came back inside the house, silently kissing her wife and heading for the shower. Lena just stood smiling at that spot in the yard, that spot where a few weeks later, roses would bloom.
[A/N] I'd always wondered why two loving people who adore kids so much wouldn't have had children of their own. This is my take on a situation where Lena and Stef had undergone IVF and it failed late in the pregnancy. For those who are readers of my "First Times" story, I'm very sorry for my absence. I was waiting on my fractured wrist to heal and then I went back to college so it's been a hectic time. But this story has helped me get back in the swing of things, so keep your eye out for more. Leave some reviews, send some love and encourage my creativity babies!