The Amalgamated Parody™
Co-written by No Blood For Oil and Mudpie (who was out sick for most of the fic)
a·mal·ga·mate-To combine into a unified or integrated whole; unite.
Note on the Title
Foreword by Mudpie
Before you close this window, allow me (the coolest of us two-Mudpie) to explain the reason there is an immensely large word in the title. It is the brainchild of No Blood for Oil (of course!) the smarter and MUCH more beautiful of us. She wanted to write, can you believe that?
So I brainstormed. And she turned down my ideas. Bitch.
During the argument of a Disney parody versus my much cooler idea, (do I sound bitter to you?) I started to say 'do parodies of the parodies' because I say things like that and try to get away with it, and she proclaimed (direct quote, folks) "But anyway, we'll throw in a bit of this, a dash of that, and we'll create...the Amalgamated Parody!" Bam! Instant inspiration. Enjoy!
Meanwhile
Suddenly
I
Can't
Go
On
Using
Fragments
Like
This
Much
Longer
"Wu-man," said Duo.
"Will you shut up?" bellowed Wufei
"Wu-man," declared Duo.
"I said shut UP, braided baka," howled Wufei.
"Howled? Someone's been using their thesaurus." smirked Duo.
"You should talk, braided baka," growled Wufei.
"What's up with all the animal adjectives, Wu-man?" sniggered Duo.
"Oh yeah? Why did YOUR last 2 adjectives begin with s?"
"Wu-man,"
"Braided baka,"
"Wu-man,"
"Braided baka,"
"Wu-man,"
"Braided baka,"
"Wu-man,"
"Braided baka,"
"Wu-man,"
"Shut UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Make me,"
"Er…guys?" Quatre said, timidly.
"WHAT?" yelled Wufei and Duo, in mid braided-baka chase scene mode.
Quatre swallowed (his soda) timidly. "Er…did you notice where we are?"
Wufei and Duo looked around.
"Hey, we're here too!" Trowa yelled irritably, pointing to himself and Heero with two arms while putting the third arm on his hip.
Right. So Wufei, Duo, Heero and Trowa looked around and saw…nothing…
"It appears the authors forgot to give a description of where we are," Quatre whispered, looking up at the…nothingness.
Oh, right. It was a beautiful sunny day on colony WXYZnowiknowmyabc'snexttimewon'tyousingwithme. Birds were twittering like the twits they were, computer generated fluffy white clouds decorated the perfect blue sky, the field the g-boys were walking in was nice and green, and on the distant horizon (yes, ON the horizon), you could see people going about their daily shopping. Yes, shopping. That's what they DO, goddammit, even though there are only FIVE lagrange points, and only TWO of them are stable enough to hold a colony!
A gentle breeze blew, carrying the roars of Godzilla and his latest foe to the ears of the masses.
"Roar."
"Rooar."
"Roooar."
And so forth.
Quatre was dressed in his customary pink shirt, purple vest (hmm…pink and purple…suggestive), and khaki pants. An expression of confusion was etched on his features, no doubt induced from the extremely lengthy description that was used to…describe him. Wufei was wearing his customary…whatever the hell it's called. Duo was wea-
"Okay, that's enough of that," Heero said firmly.
Everyone looked at Heero in astonishment. "Okay, there are 2 things wrong with that," stated Duo.
"What, o great Jedi master?" queried Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre.
"Silence, padawans. Anyway, the first thing is that Heero spoke. That in itself is incredible, but what's even more disturbing is that he's picking a fight with the narrators," Duo finished proudly.
Trowa, Wufei and Quatre applauded, while Heero looked sullen, as usual. Serves him right, the stupid stubborn picking-fights-with-the-all-powerful-narrators sob.
Ehehehehe…
Anyway, before we could strike Heero down for disobeying us, a portal opened in the computer-generated sky, and blonde woman came tumbling out. With a resounding thump, she landed on Duo and Wufei, who were immediately suffocated by her immense weight-110 pounds. What a killer.
Well, they're instrumental to the story, so they can live.
The blonde appeared unconscious…
And almost-nude…
NOSEBLEED!
But actually, what I don't understand is why guys supposedly get a nosebleed when they see something raunchy. It's not like they're at high altitudes or something…but I can certainly think of an appendage that is.
Anyway, Heero stood, transfixed by the blonde's beauty. She was covered in naught but a lacy skimpy bra and panties, both of which were decorated in rhinestones (don't ask). Her crystalline blue eyes…wait…she's unconscious…never mind.
Anyway, her blonde hair framed her heart shaped (what?) face. Her creamy white skin was deathly pale (right). Her ruby-red lips were full and…red… Heero's eyes traveled down from her heart shaped face to her…erm.
And etcetera, etcetera, until Heero developed not only a massive nosebleed (huh?), but a starry look in his eyes. His mind was working furiously, trying to meet the deadline by tonight.
Meanwhile, suddenly, the blonde's long eyelashes fluttered open, and in a sudden spurt of energy, flew away before she could stop them.
Heero gazed into her crystalline blue eyes, riveted by the twin orbs of…something really blue and pretty.
"Like, where am I?" the blonde asked, standing up, and dusting herself off. Only then did she realize that she was almost nude. "Like, eeeeeeeeek!" she shrieked, turning herself around so that only her lacy rhinestoney ass showed. Unfortunately, in doing this, she kneaded Duo and Wufei's backs, giving them a pain the likes of which they had never experienced before. Of course, the pain didn't matter, because they were unconscious.
Quatre and Trowa, for they were still there, were still trying to stop the nosebleed (what?) while turned around.
Who knew that Trowa had modesty? Who knew that he had anything, for that matter? Hm…
Suddenly, Heero snapped to attention. He immediately whipped off his shirt, and knelt in front of the blonde, getting quite an eyeful. He coughed, and the blonde twisted her head around to see him.
"Milady, thine eyes are like two twin orbs of something…really blue and pretty... Your voice sounds like silver bells; your hair is like rows of something golden. Your pulchritude has left me, the perfect soldier, defenseless and vulnerable. You are by far the most beautiful almost-naked woman I have ever seen. Please, accept my shirt as a humble token of love from this lowly pilot," Heero said, giving her his shirt.
"Like, thanks, but your shirt is too small. Like, I still need pants," the blonde said, slipping the shirt over her head.
At this point, Duo and Wufei, who were still underfoot (the blonde's, to be precise), began to wake up.
Fortunately for the blonde, they were face down in the dirt, and therefore could not see the blonde. However, eating dirt (osuwari!) was not very pleasant. They began struggling, trying to get from beneath the almost-naked blonde.
Heero mused over the problem of his shirt. "Hmmmm…Aha! Methinks I have a solution to your problem, milady," he said, and with that, he promptly stripped Wufei of his pants, or whatever the hell they are, revealing his heart-decorated boxers, and handed them with a flourish to the blonde, who gratefully put them on.
"What the hell do you think you're doing??????????" Wufei screamed into the dirt. Unfortunately, because the dirt was obstructing his face, it came out something like "What the hell do you think you're doing??????????"
At this, the blonde noticed the squishy mat she had fallen on was composed of two bodies. "Like, sorry!" she said, jumping off. Heero immediately rushed to her side (which was only a couple of inches away), and knelt before her. Taking her hand, he bowed over it (while kneeling, which must have looked pretty odd). "Milady, I must have the pleasure of knowing your name."
Quatre, Trowa (who had both by this time turned around), Duo, and Wufei (who had gotten up, Wufei still sans pants) stood gaping like fish, whatever the hell that means. It's not like fish are surprised or anything. They're too stupid.
But anyway, the blonde cleared her throat. "Ore wa Tsukino Usagi, aka Sailor Moon!"
Heero, upon hearing this, immediately knelt in front of Usagi. "Usagi, my lady, I have just regained all my memories of the Silver Millennium."
Serena looked puzzled.
"Wait…I thought your name was Usagi…" Duo scratched his head.
"Like, it is!" Usagi said, flashing them the V sign.
"Oooooookay…" Duo said nervously.
"AHEM," Heero coughed, trying to get Usagi/Serena's attention.
"Lozenge?" Serena said perkily, withdrawing a lozenge from her sub-space pocket.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?" Trowa shrieked, scaring everyone shitless.
Usagi looked puzzled again. "Oh, like, you mean my pocket? It's a sub-space pocket!" she said, as if everyone would understand.
"Oh…of course…" the pilots began to edge away from the overtly perky blonde, but then they remembered Heero, and resumed poking him. "Hmm…his head's still there," Duo observed.
"Oh, brilliant, Sherlock,"
"Wu-man,"
"Sherlock,"
"Wu-man,"
"Sherlock,"
"Wu-man,"
"Sherlock,"
"Wu-man,"
"Sherlock,"
"Wu-man,"
"Sherlock,"
"STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Quatre screamed. Much to his surprise, they continued bickering, sounding very much like Godzilla and his latest foe.
"Wu-man,"
"Sheerlock,"
"Wuuu-man,"
"Sheeeerlock,"
And so on and so forth.
Meanwhile, Trowa, who was standing there unnoticed, sidled over to Usagi. "Um…Usagi…"
"Like, yes?"
Trowa swallowed (his juice), and said, "You are by far the most beautiful woman dressed in Heero's shirt and Wufei's pants I've ever seen. Will you bear my child?"
"Like, KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Serena screamed.
All of a sudden, suddenly, lightning snapped, crackled and popped overhead. Dark computer-generated storm clouds gathered overhead. A lot of other things did stuff overhead. At the center of all this activity was a very enraged pilot. Heero looked pissed. Really pissed. Like she-who-must-not-be-named-latching-onto-him pissed. His chocolate brown hair was flying all over the place, struggling to get free, while his Prussian blue eyes narrowed to slits. His face was a picture o-
"Stop it."
Right. Anyway, he was really pissed. He took one step towards Trowa, who was still on one knee. A look of fear was etched rather sloppily on Trowa's face. "Don't. Touch. Her," Heero gritted out, as he took another step towards Trowa. "Mother may I take three big steps forward?" he asked the sky.
"Yes, you may," a disembodied voice boomed.
Heero followed suit, taking three big steps forward. You can't argue with a booming disembodied voice, I always say. As Heero was taking the steps allotted to him by the disembodied voice, Serena was studying his features, using a medical textbook she had taken from her sub-space pocket. "Hm…" she said. "Hmm…" she said again. "Like, hmmm…" an expression of thoughtfulness was etched across her features, a change of pace for her face. Hey, that rhymes!
Anyway, all of a sudden, Usagi's face lit up, bursting into flames. Yesss!!!!! "Like, omigod, Heero-chan, guess what?"
Suddenly, the lightning dissipated, as did the computer-generated clouds. "You called me Heero-chan…" Heero sighed, getting a starry-eyed expression. "Yes, my love?" he asked, transformed from a murderous pilot to a sweet, lovestruck humane person.
"Like, I just figured it out!" Serena said, as perky as ever. "You're, like, from the Silver Millennium! You must have been, like, re…rei…reincarnated!" she said, sounding out the difficult word. "Like, what's your sign?"
"My…sign?" Heero said, confused. "Milady, what's a sign?"
Serena gaped. "You know, like, your astrological sign? Your ruling planet? Like, god!"
Quatre, who was still there, answered for Heero. "Tsukino-sama, he's an Aries, and I, my dear, am a…um…I forget," Quatre sweatdropped.
Trowa coughed. "I'm still here, you know,"
"Yeah, so are we!" Duo pointed to himself and Wufei.
Er…right…
Anyway, Usagi beamed, "Like, that's it! You're, like, the prince of Mars! You must be the son of, like, Aries! I'm sooooooo smart!"
"What, you mean like men are from mars, and women are from Venus?" Wufei said, laughing.
"Like, not really…" Usagi said.
Upon looking back at the story, Wufei noticed something odd. "What do you mean, Sailor Moon? And what do you mean, Silver Millennium? Exactly what the hell do you mean, onna?"
Usagi twitched. "Like, first of all, do NOT call me an onna. Like, I have a name, you know. And second of all…" and with that pause, she henshined into Sailor Moon (I forgot her phrase…oh well…no big loss, right?).
NOSEBLEED! (what?)
As soon as he saw that his fellow pilots were getting nosebleeds (what?) from Usagi's skimpy sailor suit, the dark computer-generated storm clouds returned, and the lightning started to snap, crackle, and pop again. It was too much even for Godzilla & co., who stopped their battle to watch the lightning.
"Ooh."
"Oooh."
"Ooooh."
And so forth.
Heero, transformed into Mr. Sanguinary (bloodthirsty) himself, didn't even ask the disembodied voice. He took four giant steps to where the pilots were all staring/drooling at Usagi, and with a resounding thump, punched them all into the ground, using his four arms.
"Mine," he growled, standing in front of her.
Wufei, struggling to get up, became transfixed (again). "I don't know why…but I have this strange urge to fight with you, my dear, even though I now realize that you are the love of my life," Wufei said, looking very confused as he moved toward Usagi. "Honestly, it's not me walking toward you, it's the cliché!" he said frantically, trying to stop moving. He looked very odd. By the way, he's still dressed in his shirt and his boxers covered in hearts.
But, she didn't pay any heed to the struggling Wufei. "Like, don't say I didn't warn you! Like, in the name of the moon, I will, like, punish you!" she said, pushing Heero out of the way, and blasting Wufei, who immediately fell to the ground, burnt to a crisp.
By this time, all of the pilots (sans Wufei, who was still burned) had gotten up. Need I mention that by this point they were all in love with her? It's not me writing, it's the cliché!
"Usagi-chan, my dear, would you like to come stay with me at my vast mansion? I mean, since you fell out of a portal and all, I think it's pretty safe to assume that you have no place to stay," Quatre said, pushing his way to Usagi's side, ignoring the growls emanating from Heero.
"Like, sure!" Usagi said, perkily. "But, like, don't you want to hear my story first? It's, like, common co…co…courtesy," she said, sounding out another difficult word.
Duo answered for Usagi. "No, that's okay, my dear, we already know."
Serena looked puzzled. No, screw that, she looked perplexed. "Like, how?"
Trowa interjected. "The sky told us," he said, pointing to the computer-generated sky. Need I mention that the sky had buildings growing out of it?
Serena looked nervous for a split second, but then that look was replaced by her usual look of perkiness. "Works for me!" she said, shrugging. "So, like, where is this mansion?"
"Right over there," Wufei said, getting up and pointing to a giant house a few feet away. "We're all staying there, my love. Allow me to escort you there," he said, grabbing one of her arms and dragging her toward the door.
"Not so fast, Chang," Heero, Duo, Trowa, and Quatre growled, grabbing Usagi's other arm.
"Like, itai!" Serena whimpered.
All of a sudden, the sky darkened.
"Okay, who the hell is screwing around with the sky?" Duo yelled.
"Quiet!" the pilots admonished him.
Suddenly, all of a sudden, a disembodied voice boomed. "Hello, pilots," it boomed.
"Mother may I take thr-"
"Not THAT disembodied voice, idiot!"
"Oh."
"Right," the disembodied voice said, collecting itself. "Anyway…I have a message for you, sent from queen Serenity."
"Who?"
"MOMMY!" Serena shrieked.
"Quiet, you," the voice boomed. "Ahem…right…and now, a message from her majesty. Watch and be amazed, foolish mortals!"
All of a sudden, fireworks were set off. They burst into many-colored showers.
"Ooh."
"Oooh."
"Ooooh."
And so forth.
"Like, omigod, you guys, the fireworks are like, spelling something!" Serena shouted.
"No shit, you stupid princess," the disembodied voice said sarcastically.
As they watched, before their very eyes, the fireworks began to form 3 words.
Croh es daok
"What the fuck?" the voice boomed.
Far away, a little girl heard the voice. "Mommy, what does fuck mean?" she asked innocently. The mother gasped and rinsed the little girl's mouth out with soap.
"For shame, little girl!" the mother said.
Anyway
"Stupid fucking fireworks, can't even spell three fucking words, just 10 fucking letters, her majesty's going to be so fucking pissed when she hears this…" the booming disembodied voice muttered to itself, adding a few other colorful expletives here and there (well, besides 'fuck').
"Okay, round 2. And now, a message from her majesty. Watch and be amazed, foolish mortals!" the disembodied voice said.
Another round of fireworks were set off. Everyone watched in anticipation, waiting to see the actual message.
Choas is bak
"Goddamn it! When I get my hands on that stupid motherfucking fireworks guy he's so dead! I can't believe the stupid fucking fireworks spelled it wrong again; how high of an iq do you have to have to spell three fucking words? Ooooh, he is so dead, that fucker, I can't believe him…" and so the disembodied voice ranted on like this for a few minutes, until all of the children on colony WXYZnowiknowmyabc'snexttimewon'tyousingwithme were screaming and holding their ears to try and staunch the bleeding.
Trowa looked up at the sky. "Why don't you just tell us what they were supposed to spell?"
"Because it's much cooler with fireworks," the voice stated, as if it was obvious.
"Oh. Obviously," chorused the pilots and Serena.
The voice took a deep breath. "Oookay. Three's the charm… And now, a message from her majesty. Watch and be amazed, foolish mortals!"
Hopefully, the last round of fireworks were set off. Everyone watched in annoyance, hoping this was the last time.
Chaos is back
"FINALLY!" the voice said in exasperation.
"Like, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Like, I cannot believe that Chaos is back! Like, who would have guessed?" Serena babbled to herself.
"You idiot, that's what always happens! Chaos ALWAYS COMES BACK! God, you'd think you'd know that by now, what with all the authors making it so," the voice yelled, and quite rightly so. "Well, now that we've got THAT little message out of the way, it's time for me to go. I'm probably in deep shit anyway. I'm not supposed to curse; standard regulation. Stupid fucking bureaucracy…" the voice muttered to itself as it faded away.
The pilots looked at each other, then at Usagi. "Well, milady, shall I escort you to the mansion?"
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,"
"Don't you dare,"
"Fuck off, I'm taking her to the mansion,"
"Don't. Touch. Her,"
"Like, itai!"
Tune in next time to Dra- I mean, The Amaaaaaaaaalgaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaated
Paaaaaaaaaaroooooooooooooodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy