1○~
It's not simple being a loser. You got to somehow topple the status quo. Make them pissed off at you; this is what Donnie usually thought. The young man was dressed in ragged clothes (his mother was too tired to wash them and he was too tired to even try for it ain't making a difference for him). After going to school and getting bullied by some jocks who only wanted to amuse themselves by calling him Dracula reject (though he wondered what part of his clothes suggested he wanted to dress like that anyway) and the usual, "You twip! You stupid twip!" and enduring another "F" on his Chemistry pop quiz he trudged home to see his father passed out way too drunk to even know if he himself was alive and his mom probably off to her second job as a seamstress.
He didn't know why but he couldn't respect his mother. Her two jobs were a secret and she did more work than was necessary. Most of her money went on him; to try to make him more presentable, more appealing, more catchy and to give him his posters, CDs and other memorabilia. But he still couldn't respect her which was funny because she never really criticised him at all. His natural wavy hair had bothered him because it looked too much like hers so he made it more appealing with straightening a side and shaving the other flat out. His mom looked at it and she exclaimed: "Are you trying something new?" in a cheery voice that made him so angry. His father on the other hand freaked out and punched him but he just flipped his dad and locked himself in his room.
While his father banged on his door and his mother was weeping and trying to stop him, getting a few slaps along the way, Donnie just felt peace hooking up listening to "In:Sane" the popular metal cum rock and hard electronica group and their new album "Drop:out" — he felt the band, who were mostly rejects themselves and famed high school dropouts, would understand him.
Of course, his father hated the 'trash' he listened to and his mother, always eager to please and never to really question anything either he or his father did, always bought him red and black clothes and soon his closet was filled with a monochromatic spray of reds and blacks. Most of it were cargo pants, he had slashed some vertically in places for effect, and t-shirts or long sleeves v-necks or just casual wear. The look was to evoke a laid back counter formal approach one that supported a kind of sloth of finesse and a slump of consumer prettiness. "In:Sane" were notorious for their catalogue of these colours and these shapes and he learned from them because they were like him.
Donnie would listen to "No:body, Every:Body" on repeat, loud, sometimes in class that a detention on his regular list of "to do things" can be ticked off. The aftermath of which he would be slapped and hit by his father for coming home late and his mother too would be beaten for not doing the "woman's job" well for raising him right. And that was the reason Donnie could not stand her; she seemed ok pandering to these categories that his dad mounted on his mom; like a deranged taxidermist putting on Hawaiian flowers on the antlers of a dead moose.
But when Donnie listened to "No:body, Every:Body" he felt chills because though it may not be a classic he just tuned into it for it made him feel understood:
/you powder your face as you go
you nobody mime, you everybody mime
you pantomime what you can't comprehend
no one giving you a hand, no one giving you a hand
fight! fight! fight!
your rents tell you its about the grades
but you are renting out to society's lameness
they just want you to be slaves
No body! No body!
Even the police won't care if you died!
Every body! Every body!
becomes so like same; you are all computerised!/
Donnie didn't want to be like his parents. He didn't know which was the worse of the extremes — his dad with his sadistic, drunken mess or his mom a limping, abused mess. Sometimes when he got into fights he felt like his dad; saying and hurting more then what was needed. And in retrospect he wondered if he really needed to fight at all? — and he got frightened like what if at one stage his dad would have thought like this but now not anymore? What if the regret got slimmer and slimmer until it just ceased to exist? Does a unconfirmed (but potentially true) sadist have strong regrets? He didn't know. Then when the jocks bullied him but he never said a word and sometimes he even didn't mind it he got scared again. Was he turning out like his mom? How can someone turn out like his mom?
"Donnie."
"Yeah Mom."
"I was wondering."
"Yeah."
"How did you do in your recent Chemistry exam, well?"
"Well enough." She remembers? Hmm, that was weeks ago.
"Well, do you want to do better?"
"I don't know."
"Well, I called this person over, my friend's kid."
"What?"
And there she was. Donnie's stomach clenched; like a tug on a sweater sleeve. She looked lovely to him. Her dusky skin looked like caramelised honey; she was wearing a long sleeve blue tee with some sky toned jeans. Her hair seems a mixture between light and dark brown;gave a colour reminiscent to light chocolate bars. It was nothing like his darker chocolate natural hair that he hated; with its long forgotten waves and volume. His mother had loved his wavy, waxy locks; told him it looked like beeswax crumbs. Her hair was wavy too but short; only up to her neck; he didn't know if God was teasing him because her waves looked a bit like his only something he didn't hate.
"Cyan on sky dial."
"What?" those were the first words she said and how he reacted.
"I know that hair colour. I work three days at a hair salon." she sighed, "You kids and your neon tag colours; I think a popular one is also Steroid Pink and a mix of that with Wine-Wink Pink. I like natural tresses. They seem appropriate to me."
"Appropriate? How?" Donnie got annoyed.
"I don't like hiding what I was born with. Even though how ugly or imperfect it is."
Suddenly she raised her arm and there were gash-like trails on her left arm right above the three-quarter mark of her left arm and four swirls, almost snake-like trails on her right. "See, these are my birth marks. I don't mind them at all. Though some people think I got into a bad accident or something."
"Then why are you wearing long sleeves?" Donnie asked.
"Just because I wanted to. I was in the mood though I can wear what I want when I want." she smiled.
"Do you have any on your legs?"
"Donnie, don't be rude!" his mother exclaimed.
"It's ok." she laughed, "Yeah, the grooves on my right leg are like my right arm and hand." she showed the back of her hand and Donnie noticed for the first time that the snake-like trails were there as well. "They might look weird or disgusting but they are me; and if you can't handle it your loss."
"Oh dear," his mother looked sympathetic, "I bet your mother will save enough to get cosmetic surgery for those."
"Why?" she looked irritated.
"Well, don't you want a nice man?" her mother laughed slowly.
"No." she replied, "I want a honest man. Besides, I ain't gonna settle so neither should he. If he wants perfection he can go and marry a model; if he wants a potential chemist then he can have me and I can have him."
His mother seemed unsure. But Donnie was smitten. She wasn't like the cute girls in school he saw. He had a big crush on Blade Sommers for the longest time. But he knew she wouldn't be interested in him. But Blade was pretty perfect as high school went. She had the perfect hair, platinum cut to the shoulders, she wore the perfect shade of lipstick with lip gloss (he presumed it was very red but one day he saw her colour label: Cherry stained scarlet and pink dark blush). She wore the perfect length of mini-skirt; just enough thigh and pelvic cover junction and her top was as red as her lips with the grey buttons for a kind of just a cooldown effect like those halfway marks at a racecar track.
But this girl was different than Blade. She wasn't perfect in the act of eluding to it and she talked about things casually. Her clothes reminded him of pretty skyline sketches he saw in the shop class calendar which the teacher said reminded him of honesty so he had liked that. Her lips were a natural bronze-mauve and she seemed to have only put on a nude gloss on them ("it's lip balm" he had been told by her at a later time, bringing out the capsule-shaped container, "It's Lichen trouve want some?" he had actually as it was unisex). For some reason her words reminded him of a freeway while he thought of himself as a traffic jam near some narrow lane.
"So, I am here to tutor you." she said, "Your mom said you hardly concentrate on your studies. So, I am here to help ya out; my name is Qin."
Donnie looked at his mom, She noticed? It was hard for him to digest that.
Then he looked at her, "Is it just Qin, or is Qin short for something?"
"It's just Qin." she said indifferently.
"Ohhh, yes that's her middle name. Her first name is Damozel." his mother piped making Qin cringe.
"Damozel. What does that mean?" Donnie looked at her.
"My Mom's attempt to be poetic is it a faux pa if you ask me." Qin looked really annoyed.
"Fapa?" Donnie mouthed. His mother looked astonished at the explicit sounding suggestion.
"No, not that." Qin chuckled, "Faux pa usually means a social mistake and my first name kinda is for it means damsel or lady and well whatever. Though I think my third name sounds better but I guess Qin is easier for most people to remember and I guess pronounce."
"Third name?" Donnie asked, "Like not only a middle name?"
"Nah, my full name is Damozel Qingge Xiomara Duan."
"Wow, don't you think that's a pretty name." Donnie's mother looked happy.
"Pretty long, but I guess pretty too." he smiled.
"Yeah most people say that. They also say I look alot like my Mom, though my eyes, they say look like my Dad's. Though I think they look pretty much like my Mom's"
"Her dad is Chinese." his mother whispered.
"Well, let's go Donnie. Time for you and I to check out your Chem syllabus."
"I don't want to start right away." Donnie was adamant, "Why not just talk and stuff."
"I think we did a lot of that Donnie. Delaying this ain't making it go away hah." she walked forward to the direction of his room.
Oh really? I though delaying and denial are what girls do best, Donnie looked at his mother smiling away, Or, maybe some women are pretty good at it and they rub it off on others?
After commenting how dreary and dark Donnie's room was Qin reviewed his Chemistry syllabus while looking, without invitation, some of his other grades. "Seems you got a F in the English Literature class as well, not to mention in basic Algebra. You weren't even trying."
"I thought you were my Chem tutor?" Donnie did not like the invasion, the messy stack of papers, old and new, were snatched off as though they were his personal wallet. In a way, they were: bills of ennui measurement.
"I don't mind helping you with the other subjects. Your mom is paying me."
Donnie looked aghast, "What?" he thought of his allowance, "Maybe I don't want to be tutored if it means creds off my Mom."
"Really? Well, don't worry its not much. I said 30 dollars a month or 5 dollars short would be ok."
"Thats cheap."
"Well, Education should not be like a bank shark waiting for the first sign of a building casualty. Besides this is like my small job. I am also doing it for me." Qin spoke, her tone firm and focused.
"Really? What for?" Donnie was not really surprised but a bit hurt if possible.
"Uni application. I'm twenty-two and I wanna go. Finish an undergrad then go to grad school. But around here either a scholarship or a bundle of money gonna get you there. I hate the system but like money I hate it but gotta use it for some things. My Mom isn't too happy I wanted to be a chemist. She preferred me to be a banker but banks aren't my biz. Nothing schway to turn into my own abuser you know."
"So, creds as creds." Donnie laughed softly, "I guess you need an impressive resume."
"Well, I don't need to tell them I coached you in other subjects. Chemistry will do. The other subjects will just be me, being me." Qin shrugged.
"What does that mean?" Donnie looked more interested now.
"It means that if you want something for yourself you gotta try. You ain't trying at all."
"Well, this stuff passes my head okay." Donnie's grim face motioned, "It's not cool. I just study bits to pass alright. Hard stuff gets harder and I have a feeling I'll get held back this time."
"You aren't worried?"
"Well, Dad don't need or want or care to know. Mom will cry a bit but get over it in time. I'd give it three weeks tops." Donnie shrugged.
"I asked what you think about it."
"I don't know. Classes may have numbers on 'em but all the same to me." Donnie shrugged again.
"Donnie, classes may be that but learning doesn't have to be." Qin smiled, "You can learn in school if you pay attention. Maybe not a lot but you need a starting point. If you have the appetiser why skip on it right?"
Donnie looked on, "I guess so."
"Good, ok, lets start with the basics of the periodic table, then let's just review basic phenomenon we can see, like on the surface. Then I want to review this Math homework I think you written but not doing; let's see let's start with basic algebraic processes, I think that'll help. Literature, you are doing, hmmm, this is a basic book, Great Expectations. Not bad. Well, let's get started. By the way, it's says here you need to get your Physics grades up. Biology is a bit better but gotta learn that too. All your classes are standard. Pretty easy if you just put a little mind to it. So, le's take it from the top."
"I don't know, 'In:Sane', doing pretty well by being high school dropouts." Donnie notified.
"Really? How do you know?"
"Well, they like, dropped out from crappy schools and are doing ok."
"Well, they might have not. Bands come and go like some jobs and money but actual wisdom and knowledge stay put longer if not forever. I know this because my Dad used to be a traveling salesman; I saw him like once every three months. But whenever I did I didn't see him selling the same products. It was a hard job and he was always tired and my Mom hardly got to talk to him well too. Not to mention my Mom also was working at a manager in a small boutique. Not luxury but a bit better than thrift stores. Well, after the accident my Dad decided to become more grounded and —"
"Accident?"
"Yeah, a car accident. Left his leg in a pretty bad shape. Had to use a crutch for almost a year and it was like he might have it amputated. Cost us a lot of money but Thank God we managed. Dad's leg is back again but sometimes he gets bad cramps at night but he runs fast and well, like his old self. Well, after that he was no longer a traveling salesman. Ironically, he became a kindergarten teacher. The elementary is hardly good but he feels teaching is better than selling things. We might be poor but we are happy enough."
"Hah, being poor is never happy." Donnie scoffed then smiled, "I bet the members of 'In:Sane' would love to hear you say that."
"I don't know them but I just met you and as I said, things learned do go far more than you expect. If my Dad hadn't had the foreknowledge of grammar he was quite interested in in high school it might have been harder for him becoming a teacher so it came as a useful skill."
"What's the point?" Donnie took the youthful ennui's direction because frankly he didn't know what to say.
"Just try it like a new drink from some old company. Like soft drink on a new label. You don't have to love it but drinking it does help from time to time." Qin smiled again.
"Hmmm, ok, whatever."
Donnie's only friends in school was T-Rex and Jam. T-Rex was just a teenage pseudonym no one questioned and Jam was James cut short because he had killer vibes as a drummer. They both were also fans of the same band and it seemed aside music they had nothing in common. Sometimes youth and places work like that. Donnie felt ok with them though he felt lonely at times and struggled with the two but he did not understand why. Jam was quite unpredictable. There were times he just did not show up at school. Even a month went by and he appeared nowhere; not to mention he had a bad grade sheet. No one knew about his family life but he was always visiting the school counselor or the infirmary or the principal's office. Some of the only things Donnie saw consistent in his life was his drumming. T-Rex was a spacey kind of guy who smoked weed occasionally; he spoke a lot at times then became quiet. The only class he really liked was shop and Donnie saw he was good at making things. But then he only seemed to talk about shop class or the band they liked. Donnie felt he never knew anyone but himself.
"Listen Grosso," T-Rex looked at Donnie, "There is a new concert in a week. 'In:Sane' gonna perform at this ritzy type place. The concert is gonna promote some new singles they been working on."
"I already heard one." Jam smirked, "Was leaked on the wires like two days ago."
"Really?" Donnie stared, as T-Rex also looked surprised.
"Yeah, it's sweet. They closed the site but I got it here, it's called 'Wretch:Ed' I loved it." Jam smiled as it took out his music player, "C'mon I got it here."
They listened:
/My heart is wondering what
do I learn here to begin with?
the teacher likes him better than me
that boy with the pearly white smiling teeth
I feel like a Wretch! If this is Ed-ucation!
I don't want the Ed! Don't wanna be Fehd up! Need a vacation!
I was smiling at her at school
but she likes the guy who has a backyard pool
I mown other people's lawns to get a dime
that's why she won't gimme time
My house is empty — we've been foreclosed
My Mom's crying saying we were so close
Dad is in another town, someone says he ran away with a stripper
I wait tables praying to God someone will be a big tipper
Wretch-Ed your system of a down! Wretch-Ed you teaching me
I am not a Wretch! I'll give you ma best! I'll show you what I'm made off!
Cake-walk you bloody snots! I am gonna teach you about real success!
Teacher gimme an A I gotta say I won't bribe you but
I can pass the test of life better than the rest c'mon give me extra cred
What kind of Ed makes me feel like a failure!?
You are the true wretch! That ain't Fetch! I'm gonna take you down!
I won't stand to be wretch-ed! don't wanna be wretch-ed!
Rattle your cage! your ribcage! hello there, heart! Are you listening?/
"Not bad." Donnie smiled, "But I like 'No:body, Every:Body.' better."
"You and that song." T-Rex snickered, "I like this slow-fast ballad. Kinda like you wander in and out of these kind of sidewalks mn."
"Well, I wanna go to their concert. Get tickets guys. I wanna listen what else they gotta offer. You in Donnie?"
"Absolutely." Donnie gave a thumbs up.
Listening to "In:Sane" sing live was amazing. Donnie yelled when he heard them sing his favourite song. After the concert was over Donnie and Co. ran past security. "I wanna meet them." T-Rex said, "Let's just wait here ok."
"Well, I hope they pass by soon." Donnie was practically jumping, "Security gonna be here."
The band members were walking past with their guards. The lead Melv was with his signature coloured red hair and was talking excitedly with Darren, the lead guitarist, "Hey Melv, how did you do?"
Melv smiled, "Hah, aced it really good."
On the side, Donnie was getting up, "Dammit security. Let's just yell hi and maybe they'll let us stay?"
"Sure, sure." T-Rex started to push his shoulders from behind.
Jam chuckled as three of them got up and dashed. Before they could yell — Melv laughed, "University exams are really hard." then he took off his hair — a wig! "Slaggit it was better in high school you know. I still remember it was really sweet especially graduation day."
Donnie looked at a blonde Melv rubbing off mascara from his face, "I gotta tell Shelly man to put it on a bit lighter. Anymore of this and I gonna look like a Jokerz punk."
Darren cackled, "Dude, glad I took the day off of from Mr. K's class tomorrow. No way I can be his assistant checking scripts after this kind of rocking. God, I sometimes hate my own solos. Too much static. I wanna just go home and play my violin."
"Hey! You three!" T-Rex and Jam turned around at the female bodyguard, "What are you doing here?!"
Donnie just blinked as he walked a bit closer before two guards came and grabbed him, incapacitated, he looked on, "You guys go to University?"
"What the fuck?" Darren panicked, "This kid heard us."
"So, what?" their drummer shrugged, "It's no big deal."
"Can it Kev, we have a story online remember?" Darren got mad but the drummer just laughed.
"So? I am a dropout but I do plan on going back to school. Nothing bad."
Donnie felt something break, "But why did you guys lie?"
"Huh, uh, well, that was our record label." Melv spoke casually, "Kid, it's just they thought that the grunge public will like total misfits not like Prep students or well Ivy Leaguers. But it's ok it's no big deal."
"Your songs are not real at all?!" Donnie's eyes widened, "You guys never felt those emotions!"
"So, you see that in books all the time and movies." Kev looked at Donnie with a question marked expression.
"Yeah but you guys said you were those guys! Not pretending! You lied! You lied!" Donnie struggled against the guards.
"So what?" Melv shrugged, "It's just like many industries. People profit from lies dude. Honesty is overrated. What am I going to sing about? How clean my dorm room is? Besides we just sing what's given to us man."
They left laughing. Donnie was hauled away with T-Rex and Jam. But he could feel the laugh — like his dad punching him in his face and gut while his mother smiling and taking all his actions with a "Are you trying something new?"
"What is it?"
"Donnie. I have been trying to reach your cell for like thirty minutes!"
"Yeah, well."
"Donnie, have you run away?"
"Rents don't want me Qin so I just bailed."
"Your Mom is crying herself senseless!"
"Well, My Dad told me to get out!"
There was silence on the other end. Then: "Did he hit you?"
"Yeah, he did and I told him he was stupid dreg! They are idiots! Both of them! I hate 'em as much as I hate those posers 'In:Sane'! I don't want to be here! I want to be cared for! And loved! I want to go away from Gotham and start over!"
"C'mon Donnie don't do this! Come over to my place! Stay the night. We can work something out."
With that the battery died and Donnie decided not to go.
In the park by himself Donnie started crying. Maybe — if he went back? Maybe, this time his Mom would stand up and they both could leave?
"My, My — I guess you don't want to follow the Boys don't cry rule."
The voice seemed somewhat familiar. But where had he heard it?
A man in deep orange and black stripes came out giving Donnie a fright, "Well, why are you crying?"
"What - who, uh, what?"
"Hmm, lost are we?" the man walked slowly and tilted his head, because of his face being covered by a mask ("How does he see in that?" Donnie wondered), "Or are we a runaway?"
"What's it to you freak?" Donnie took a step back.
"You're Donnie Grosso aren't you?" The man said appearing quite indifferent.
"Huh?"
"Well, it was about time with your failing streak at school. Tsk Tsk." The man folded his arms, "Well, what's bothering you? A lack of love?"
"Wait you are —"
The man sighed, " Do you like VR much? Play Vid games often?"
"Yeah, sure." Donnie nodded. "So, Spellbinder, you got some good illusion or something?"
"And first prize goes to the Blue haired kid." Spellbinder laughed, "You catch on fast."
Donnie smiled. He knew about Spellbinder. And right now an illusion seemed better than reality. Of course Donnie would really regret this later…