Summary - "I can't be a cop and be with you". He let those few words with so much meaning tumble so freely from his lips and he meant what he said when he uttered them, he couldn't be a cop and be with her. His words had been said with conviction, baring the truth behind them, a truth she may never know or fully understand. They held a tinge of anger, laced with raw emotion and in turn held an unspoken promise, kept a secret, one only he would ever know.
Thanks to everyone that has read, reviewed, followed any of my fics! Hope you will enjoy this one too.
Special thanks to Kelly2727, especially for naming this fic!
I haven't seen any of season 3, but have seen some promos- (thanks YouTube!), this is based on what I've seen & my own ideas.
Disclaimer; anything you recognize is not mine, anything you don't, well that was me!
Chapter 1
Sam watched as Andy spun on her heel, and walked away, her shoulders slumped in defeat, one hand out of view, probably holding her mouth from uttering the sob he knew she was close to letting out, or maybe it was wiping away her silent tears.
She had stared at him blankly when he had said those words, before her eyes flashed with the most sorrow he had ever seen in anyone's eyes, before she pulled her lips into a tight line, turned around and walked away.
Without saying a word.
Without showing any emotion other than the sorrow she no longer even tried to cover up.
Whether her sorrow was at the loss of Jerry, or the fact that he had just so callously and cold heartedly blamed her for it, or the fact that he let those few words with so much meaning tumble so freely from his lips he wasn't sure, but he meant what he said when he uttered them, he couldn't be a cop and be with her.
His words had been said with conviction, baring the truth behind them, a truth she may never know or fully understand. They held a tinge of anger, laced with raw emotion and in turn held an unspoken promise, but they too kept a secret, one only he would ever know.
He watched her until she was out of sight, yet he remained rooted to the spot long after her retreating body become only a memory. He didn't trust himself to stop her from walking away, couldn't take the risk. Couldn't allow himself to be in the position he was mere hours before. Only with her laying on the floor bleeding out instead of Jerry. Or have her kneeling next to him as he bled out, watching his life ebb away on the crimson lifeline that seeped out of his body as he lay dying instead of Jerry.
They had come to close to making the wrong decision and going after the cab driver, instead of the bartender. He had almost made her follow Jerry's hunch instead of trusting her own gut. And where would that have left them?
Instead of attending Jerry's funeral tomorrow, he would possibly be burying her. Instead of attending Jerry's funeral tomorrow, he could be laying in the morgue with her attending his funeral.
Instead of having her comfort Traci by being with her and Leo, Traci would be comforting Andy who would no doubt be wrapped in the sadness of mourning his loss. Because she had told him exactly how she felt when she had uttered those three little words.
Three little words that she was not just throwing around when she said them. Three little words she did not expect him to say back. Three little words that she had said at the most unconventional time, said so freely and honestly, giving them to him and not expecting them or anything else in return.
He was making the right choice by letting her go. He was protecting her, keeping her safe like he was supposed to. Like he promised himself he would.
No matter the consequences of his actions he was doing the right thing. No matter how much his heart was breaking at the loss of one of his best friends, or someone more like a brother, no matter how much his heart was breaking at watching her walk away, letting her go was the best way of protecting her.
And himself.
How would he ever handle the pain of losing her? Working together posed the threat that he could watch her die. Cradle her in his arms as she drew her last breaths. But it also posed the threat that she could watch him die, stand by helplessly as he drew his last breaths.
That was something he never wanted her to see, or feel or go through. If he was feeling this amount of heart wrenching devastation at losing Jerry, how would he handle the emotions he would feel at losing her.
As intense as their feelings were for each other, there was always the possibility that one day one of them would be standing in Traci's shoes, while the other was laying in Jerry's grave.
And the single most important promise he had made to himself and her was that he would never break her heart. Never destroy what she felt for him by being a person he wasn't, doing things to her she didn't deserve.
She had once mentioned that she never wanted him to just walk away, choose the door, if things got rough, but this time he let her choose the door, let her walk away by forcing her to step through that threshold.
A decision he had not taken lightly in making. Especially now with the immense amount of sadness he was feeling but couldn't show. The searing pain at facing a day tomorrow without Jerry had aided in making his decision, because tomorrow would be a day, void of Jerry's wicked sense of humour, and enthusiasm in life, his carefree nature and loyalty to his co-workers at fifteen, his friends at fifteen, and most of all his unbound devotion to Traci Nash and her son. Even though Leo was not his son by bloodlines, Leo was his son by the irrevocable love he had for the child and his mother.
Tomorrow they would start a new life by bidding farewell to another, they would start a life without the love and warmth of Jerry being in theirs, and could he ever say that he could start a new life without McNally in it? Could he ever say that she would be able to face life without him in it, when he had made the mistake of always promising to be there when she needed him, be there when it mattered?
It was only a mistake in promising something he couldn't guarantee that he would always be there. It was a promise he couldn't keep. And if there were two things Sam Swarek did not do it was make promises he couldn't keep, or break the promises he did make, and lie. He did not lie, only spoke the truth sometimes in a warped way if it meant that it would keep him alive especially undercover. That's why he told his rookie to keep the cover story as close to the truth as possible.
People get caught up in their lies; lose sight of reality and themselves.
He would be lying if he said he was not regretting the fact that he had not gone with Jerry. He would tell another lie if he said he didn't blame himself for Jerry's death. He would still be lying if he said he really blamed Andy as he implied to her face that he did. He did blame someone, himself, but let her believe that it was her he blamed, because it helped him push her away.
That wasn't lying, that was letting her bend the truth as she saw fit, letting her believe what she had to believe to keep her safe, to keep her heart intact.
Letting her believe her own lie that was probably one of the worst things he had ever done, and by far the worst thing he had ever done to her. Letting her believe her own lie. Letting her believe that she was responsible for Jerry losing his life. When in fact he was more than a little relieved that it had not been her taking Jerry's place.
The thought caused immense guilt to wrap its clutches around his broken heart. His friend had died, to save the life of one of their own, protect her, as if it was it was a choice Jerry had willingly made, his life in exchange for the life of Gail Peck. A young woman, who had yet to live life, was still alive because Jerry did what he did best, made a sacrifice. Sacrificed himself to save a young life. He knew Jerry would have done it for any number of nameless, faceless people because that was who Jerry was.
Jerry was selfless. Jerry was caring, giving, living, devoted and dead.
Gone.
Never coming back.
And the only thought that ravished his mind was that he was more than grateful to whatever God there was that it had not been Andy. That it had not been her to make the ultimate sacrifice, by trading her life to save or protect another.
Because he knew without a doubt that she would do it without a moment's hesitation, without a second thought.
And although he felt immeasurable guilt for feeling that sense of relief, he never wanted to face that possibility.
A Tomorrow without Andy McNally in it.
Disgusted with his own thoughts, Sam ran a hand over his face and scoffed out loud at his own selfishness.
He was a selfish son of a bitch when it came to Andy McNally, not willing to share her with the world, he wanted her for himself. Not a piece of her, or a part of her, he wanted the whole entire entity of Andy McNally.
All or nothing.
That's why he would be lying if he said he was still sure he made the right choice by letting her go. He would be lying if he said he didn't want her, to be there when she needed to be comforted and when she needed him. He wasn't the only one facing loss now, she was too, only it was harder on her because she had to be strong for Traci and Leo and he knew she was trying to be strong for him too. It weighed her heart down more because she would forever live with the fact that she had been the one to tell her best friend that the love of her life, the only person able to ever convince her that marriage was an option, was never coming home. Never waking up next to her, never gonna smile at her, never anything more.
She had been the one to hold her best friend as she broke the news, as sobs wrecked her body and her knees gave way. She had been the one to slump down to the floor holding her friend as she let herself comfort someone who needed it more than she did. She had been the one to sit on the floor in the hallway whispering words of love into her friends ear just because she could and because she wanted to.
She is the one that has to continue being there for her friend when she needs her, not because she is obligated to, but because she wouldn't want to be anywhere else. She is the one that has to live in the aftermath of the events and watch her friend suffer, and she will suffer with her, because that is who she is.
She is the one that will have that heartache burned into her memories forever, whereas he was just facing an incredible loss, the loss of an irreplaceable friend. She would forever live with the friend that faced a loss of something or rather someone more.
As he let out another huffed breath, he realized that he had broken his promise to be there for her. When she needed him. She was dealing with the circumstances of life on her own, because he was scared.
He was scared that next time it would be her.
He was scared that he faced the possibilities of life without her in it.
He was scared of losing her because he loved her like no other.
He knew it, but even though she had said it to him, he couldn't say it back. He couldn't say it because if he said it and one day she wasn't there to say it to anymore, he would never survive the loss. He would never be able to say it just once.
He would never be able to say it to another.
He knew she knew he loved her, but she had no idea how much, no idea how intense, or insanely engulfed in that emotion he was when it came to her.
She had no idea that if they had followed Jerry's hunch and gone to find the cab driver, that he would have willingly made Jerry's sacrifice for her. Willingly ended his life to save hers. Willingly broken her heart and willingly let himself out of her life.
Willingly left her alone.
When he promised to always be there.
Although he had broken his promise to be there, he was still here to be in her life. And her in his. Even though not as his anymore, she was still here.
And he would rather have her in his life than not have her at all, or lose her, so maybe he was still selfish or maybe he was selfless, he didn't know.
The only thing he was sure of was that he needed her in his life, in one capacity or another. He needed her to be safe and her heart in one piece. He needed her, simply because of the fact that he was still and always would be irrevocably, utterly and unconditionally in love with her.
So for him to make the sacrifice of letting her go was in some ways hard, and in other ways easy.
He was breaking his own heart more than it had ever been broken, to save her the sorrow of one day feeling the pain now settling in the Nash household. How it may one day settle in on the Shaw household, or the Diaz or Epstein or Best households. How it could have possibly settled in on theirs one day.
He was willingly breaking his own heart to do what he always wanted to do when it came to her- simply keep the pain away, dissolve all the stress and heartbreak life threw their way. He was removing himself from the eternal worrisome equation of life.
But that would not alter the facts - the fact that Jerry gone, the fact that he loved Andy McNally more than his own life, the fact that he had broken his promise, the fact that he had probably broken her heart, the fact that he let her believe a lie.
The fact that he meant it when he said he could not be a cop and be with her, because given the choice he would choose her every single time.
Was that something she could live with? Something she could face?
Could she accept such love, after all the loss of love she had faced in her lifetime, a love that would choose her over anything and everything else?
As the minutes spun by, Sam felt the last remaining pieces of his heart break. Tomorrow he would bury his friend, and start a new day where Andy McNally was no longer his McNally.
As he left, and made his way back to the barn, he knew one thing was certain, he would have to battle a lot more than the sense of loss come tomorrow.
He would have to fight off the sense of longing he already began to feel, having felt her touch.
The sense of emptiness at the loss of her scent, having smelt it linger really close to him.
The sense of something missing was already there as he looked over expecting to see her sitting next to him. How would that feel in the morning when he woke up and reached over for her, his hands to only find cold, empty sheets beside him.
The sense of numbness was sure to accompany the others as he would watch her from a distance when he wanted nothing more than to hold her close, the sense of fear would hover when he wouldn't know where she was, who she's with, what she's doing, or if she's safe. The sense of stupidity suddenly slammed his mind as he realized that he would not be able to pull her close and hold her hand, whisper kisses over her face or carelessly kiss her lips. Or have her draw mindless patterns over his chest before she fell asleep. Or have her dance around the kitchen while making him coffee in the morning, when she didn't know he was watching her. Or any of the other tiny little things that made his day.
Suddenly tomorrow seemed more than a little empty, it seemed pointless.
Expecting to find Andy somewhere in the barn, Sam let his eyes silently sweep over the room as he made his way to the locker room, before he felt a familiar presence hover around him.
"She's not here". Oliver's voice was not prying; it was more explanatory, with understanding.
"Um...yeah". Sam mumbled as his faltering stride evened out.
"Look Sammy, I'm not one to medal, but you're wrong. She didn't deserve that. Not now, and not ever. I told you once before to talk to her, and I mean it this time when I tell you, you need to talk to her". Oliver had never dared to be forceful with Sam, it wasn't his nature. But this time he needed Sam to understand that this was not the way this had to play out.
But Sam kept walking, emotions were running high and fear was instilled into the heart of every cop in Toronto, now was not the time to let personal friendships be drifted into a love hate relationship because you were on edge.
****so do you want more? And let me know what you think, in an awesome review!