Ask a Foolish Question
Phineas and Ferb were in the their backyard, Ferb on the ground with a drill in his hand, Phineas standing on a ladder at a height eight feet greater than his own.
"Hey Ferb, you almost done down there?"
"I am."
"Good; I can't wait to test it out. I'm sure that the H1 Grand Verullyx memory chip you're installing will make this computer answer our questions impeccably."
"Yes, yes it will," said Ferb.
The fence opened and the girl who lived across the street entered. "Hey, Phineas. What'cha doing?"
"Building a computer that can answer any question without fail. We're almost done."
"Sweet. I have a couple of questions I'm dying to ask it already."
Two more kids came through the fence, one a fat boy who showed a lot of teeth and wore a black shirt, the other a nerdy chap from India who could end up being the next Doofenschmirtz if his and Ginger's first date doesn't go well. But that's another story for another day.
"What is the thing?" asked the fat kid.
"It is a supercomputer that can answer any question. Wait, I think Ferb's just about done," Phineas said, as he climbed down the ladder.
Ferb turned the power drill on, then pulled a lever down, which activated the computer.
The computer's mouth consisted of five red boxes, and its eyes were green. It appeared to have a neck which attached it to its computing device. The energy provided to the computer came from a yellow pipe that was attached to the house on one end and the computer on the other, sending bursts of electricity to the computer's "brain," so that it could function.
"He's cute!" Isabella said.
"Maybe, but he certainly isn't cuddly," said Buford.
"Let's start asking him questions to see if he can answer them properly," said Phineas. "What is my name?"
"Phineas," said the computer in a robotic voice.
"How many miles is the planet Earth from the Sun?" asked Ferb.
"Ninety-three million, four-hundred fifty thousand, two-hundred eighty miles," said the computer.
"Do unicorns exist?" asked Isabella.
"Yes," said the computer.
"Where can I—?"
"Hey, hey, it's my turn to ask a question; you already asked one," said Buford.
"He's right, Isabella, we should take turns," said Phineas. "So Buford, what are you going to ask?"
"He was going to ask how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll pop," said the computer.
Everyone's eyes popped out of their skulls.
"Yes, that is exactly what I was going to ask. How did you know?" Buford said.
"I am programmed to know."
Everyone waited. The computer stared at them.
"Oh come on, answer the question already or I'll give you a wedgie," Buford said.
"Um, Buford, you haven't actually asked the question yet," said Phineas.
"Huh? Oh yeah. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll pop?"
"The number of licks vary for each person," said the computer, "and for each different lollipop, too. You for instance, have taken 11,945 licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center once, and 2,543 licks another time. Owls tend to take only three licks, though owls don't usually lick Tootsie Roll pops."
"Okay, my turn," said Baljeet. "Will I make an A on my exam on astrophysics that I am taking tomorrow?"
"No, you will not get an A," said the computer. Baljeet's face went white. "You will get an A+++."
"Why do you go to summer school?" Buford asked.
"He goes to summer school because he is a pendant and loves learning," said the computer.
"Who asked you?" Buford asked.
"You did," said the computer.
"That's it!" Buford said, looking like he was ready to strangle the computer and advancing forward.
"Buford, you look like you could use a nice cool glass of lemonade," said Phineas. "Let's go inside."
"Huh? Oh, all right," Buford said, his face going from red to normal in an instant. All five of the kids went inside and headed to the kitchen.
Meanwhile, Perry the Platypus was trying to remember where the new entrance to the hideout was where he would receive his instructions for his next mission. It wasn't near the birdbath, or through the tree his owners rested themselves against when coming up with ideas. It wasn't a panel on the house, or under the flowerbed. Where was it?
Then Perry saw the super-computer and knew instantly what it was. He went over to it and clicked his question. The computer's red teeth translated Perry's language through its processor.
"The entrance to your hideout is the manhole cover that is one the third pavement of sidewalk to the left of your masters' house," said the computer.
Perry clicked his gratitude and went toward the designated place, lifted the manhole cover, and slid down a tubed slide that was there straight down into his hideout. He then took his usual seat.
"Ah, there you are, Agent P," said Major Monogram. "Doofenschmirtz has been stealing gladiator pieces of armor for a movie set in Ancient Rome that was being filmed in the tri-state area. We don't know what he is planning to do with all that, but you'd better put a stop to whatever it is."
Perry saluted, and started to leave when Major Monogram called him back.
"Wait, Carl needs to show you something."
Perry sighed and took his seat again. Carl the intern with red hair came over to the screen and said, "Hey, Perry, I thought I'd show you a karate move I've been working on. I realize that gladiators in Ancient Rome probably didn't know karate, but this isn't ancient Rome and you might find it useful." Carl did some kind of jiggery in the air, accidentally bonking Major Monogram on the nose. "Whoops, sorry, sir."
"Carl! Now I have to air-dry my nose again. Phineas, I apologize for Carl's inability to learn a karate move fully and completely before attempting to teach someone else. You'll just have to hope you can manage without it. But I have faith in you."
Perry saluted again, and left the hideout, going on his way to Doofenschmirtz' place.
The super-computer, unattended, waited patiently for someone to come ask it a question. Then a teenage girl poked her head out of a sliding door, searching around the backyard.
"There must be something bustable going on out here; there always is." She started walking. "Oh my Lanta! What is that?"
"I am a super-computer. I can answer any question."
"Did my brothers build you?"
"Yes, yes they did."
"Okay, to test you," Candace said. "How many days are in a week?"
"Seven."
"What do children leave out for Santa at Christmastime?"
"Milk and cookies," said the computer.
"Who wrote Twilight?"
"Stephenie Meyer."
"I am thinking of a number between 1 and 100…what is it?"
"Seventy-two."
"Now that's just freaky," Candace said. "But yes, you are definitely worth busting. Mom will come home and she will see…"
Candace hung her head.
"But it never works. Every day this happens. I see Phineas and Ferb build something super-amazing and I try to call Mom to bust them but when she gets here, it's always gone before she can see it. How can I…?"
"You can get your mother to see me if you put duct tape on my pipes and around my top. But be sure to use invisible duct tape so that your brothers won't notice anything unusual."
"Thank you. And I'm sure that with your help, I will bust the boys for certain this time." Candace dashed off to get some duct tape.
"Doofenschmirtz Evil, Incorportated!" rang Dr. Doofenschmirtz' doorbell after Perry punched it with his beak.
Doofenschmirtz opened the door, saying, "Who is it, who is it? Oh it's you, Perry the Platypus," he said, looking down once he realized no one the height of a human was standing there. He let Perry in, giving him the tour.
"Here you see before you genuine knight in shining gladiator armor," said Doofenschmirtz. "It's just a statue, but you have to admit its pretty cool."
Perry clicked away. Doofenschmirtz kept talking and moving, finally saying, "Hey, Perry the Platypus, watch out for that mace!"
But it was too late; Perry tripped over a black mace that was on the floor, and pair of iron chains wrapped around his arms, while another pair of iron chains clasped his legs.
"See, I caught you in a trap, Perry the Platypus. How clever of me. Now I can tell you about my diabolical scheme. Oh yes, it is so diabolical. Let me bring out my new invention. Just one sec," Doofenschmirtz said, holding a finger up to represent the number "one."
Some shuffling was heard before Doofenschmirtz reappeared with a giant contraption that looked like a lion. "Meet my Gladinator! It turns people into gladiators that will fight each other until everyone in the tri-state area is lying prone on the ground. Then I will sneak into the mayor's office and change my brother's name on the plaque to mine. This plan is even better than the one where I wanted to find out your address, Perry the Platypus. I was going to knock on the door and run away. Unfortunately, I never found out your address."
Perry clicked something which the computer in Phineas and Ferb's backyard would have said, "Dr. Doofenschmirtz can find Perry the Platypus' address by coming to ask me, and I will tell him the location. However, that would be pointless since I am a stationary computer and I am already at Perry the Platypus' address."
"Now, who do I shoot with my Gladinator first? How 'bout my neighbor, Kevin?"
A bloke with glasses and wearing a black T-shirt was walking down the street beneath Dr. Doofenscmirtz' apartment.
"Or that guy," Doofenschmirtz said. He aimed the Gladinator at the bloke. A beam shot out of the device and hit the bloke in the chest. For a second, nothing happened. Then the bloke's clothes turned into Roman arm, and he went flying with his sword at a little old lady.
"Now, that doesn't seem fair," Doofenschmirtz said. He sent a beam of the Gladinator at the little old lady, and she swung her sword at the bloke's, deflecting his blow. Then they carried on fighting.
"It's a masterpiece of an invention," Doofenschmirtz said, proudly. He then began aiming the device at random people in the street, causing them to turn into gladiators and start fighting.
Meanwhile, back at the backyard, Candace has just finished applying the invisible duct tape when Phineas and Ferb and their friends came out again.
"Oh hey, Candace," said Phineas. "I see you met our super-computer. What do you think of it?"
"She thinks I am the best invention I ever built and she can't wait to show me to your Mom," said the computer.
"Yeah, Mom would probably be able to use you, too," said Phineas. "Though I'm not sure what for. Anyhoo, why don't we open the backyard and hold an answer seeking service?"
"Yes, why don't you?" the computer asked.
"Did you just answer a question with a question?" asked Phineas.
"Yes, yes I did."
\
"Well, okay then. So, Buford and Baljeet, you guys can go advertise, and Isabella, do you know of any charity we can donate the proceeds for this operation too? It's not like we have to pay for construction materials when we build our inventions or anything."
Isabella started to answer, but the computer interrupted her. "There is the Save the Star-nose Mole Foundation, and the Fireside Girls need to earn their Charity Badges, so of course Isabella and her consorts would be happy to help."
This made Isabella's face go red with anger because she wanted to be the one to answer Phineas. But she left the backyard to gather up the Fireside Girls.
Candace went off to call her mother. But first she had to call Jeremy and tell him that their picnic that they had planned for that afternoon would have to be postponed.
\
Many people were lying down in the streets, unable to carry on fighting. The little old lady was still going strong, though. She was on her sixth opponent.
"Looks like my plan is working, Perry the Platypus," said Doofenschmirtz. "Everyone is knocking each other to the ground. That little old lady is a feisty one, but still."
Doofenschmirtz turned around to shoot at some more people, allowing Perry to lift the mace with his beaver-like tail and use it to chop at the iron chains binding his feet, then the ones binding his hands. Then he was free and he jumped on Doofenschmirtz, knocking the latter down.
Doofenschmritz dropped the Gladinator and Perry quickly picked it up, and seeing a Deactivation button was going to aim it at people outside and turn them back to normal when Doofenschmirtz started yanking on the Gladinator.
"Oh no you don't, Perry the Platypus. They must go on fighting; I must pull off my prank. I will pull off my prank."
Doofenschmirtz accidentally jabbed the Activate button, and since the laser portion was pointing at him, his clothes became that of a gladiator's and he started jabbing at Perry with his sword. "Hmmm, it seems that I cannot control what I am doing, Perry the Platypus, Well, at least with my right hand. But my left hand is still under my voluntary power."
He grabbed some oranges from a fruit bowl nearby and started juggling them with his left hand only, while still slashing at Perry with his right hand. Perry's hold of the Gladinator was what kept him safe.
"See, Perry the Platypus, I can juggle with only one hand! But enough of that," Doofenschmirtz said, pushing the oranges away from him. He grabbed the Gladinaror with his left hand, and Perry's grip on it started to slip, till the laser was pointing at himself. Knowing that in a second he wouldn't have the Gladinator to protect him anymore, Perry punched the button to turn himself into a gladiator fighting machine.
Then Perry started fighting against Doofenschmirtz, forcing him to drop the Gladinator.
"Oh look, Perry the Platypus, see what you made me do?"
Doofenschmirtz and Perry began hacking at each other until Doofenschmirtz had Perry backed into a corner.
"Now I've got you, you insufferable little platypus," Doofenchmirtz said, in a voice that wasn't his own. He started hacking super-fast at Perry, almost slashing him in a vital area.
Perry deflected blow after blow. Then he threw a helmet at Doofenchmirtz.
"You blasted little thing, I will make you pay for that!" Doofenschmirtz said, still in a voice that wasn't his own. He began slashing harder, and this time he hit Perry's beak with his sword. But since the beak was hard, the sword didn't pierce anything. Then Perry threw another helmet at Doofenschmirtz, which conked him on the head.
"Huh, what happened?" Doofenschmirtz asked, this time in his normal voice. "For a moment there I thought I was speaking differently and had an insatiable urge to kill…"
Perry threw yet another helmet at Doofenschmirtz.
"Throwing helmets at me, I see. Don't you know how lame that is, Perry the Platypus?"
But Doofenschmirtz had to duck for cover, because Perry had sent a shower of gladiator helmets his way.
"Two dollars to have any question you can think of answered. Only one question per customer," Allison of the Fireside Girls said, while she stood behind a yellow rope blocking entrance into Phineas and Ferb's backyard.
Isabella, standing next to her, said, "All proceeds go to the Save the Star-nose Mole Foundation…totally worth it."
A bald guy wearing a leather jacket handed over some money, and Allison pulled the rope across and let him in. He still had to wait in a long line, though.
"When will I meet my true love?" a teenage girl at the front of the line asked the computer.
"You will meet him in 2015, at a café in Boston, Massachusetts," said the computer.
The girl started to ask another question, but the lady standing behind her pushed her aside. "Outta my way, girlie, don't you know that the rules state that only one question at a time can be answered?"
"Yes, she knows that very well, she was just over-eager," said the computer.
"'Thank you, ma'am," said Phineas, leading the woman and teenager away.
"But I didn't ask my question!"
"Yes you did, your question was asking if this girl knows that she can only ask one question. You must go pay another two bucks if you want to ask another question."
The woman looked like she could slug Phineas, but she left by the exit where Buford stood, counting some bottle caps he had found in the grass.
The next person to come up to the computer was a little Irish man. "My wife wanted me to ask you if you can tell me how stuff like miniature golfing courses and gas pumps fall out of the sky just when I need them."
The computer said nothing.
"I'm sorry, sir, you have to phrase your question in the form of a question in order for the computer to answer it," said Phineas. "Unfortunately, we the people who run this joint still consider your question to be a question, so you must go through the line again if you want to ask the question. Be sure to ask it next time and not state it, as you just did."
"Aw man," said the Irishman. Phineas escorted him out.
The next one was a woman in her thirties with glasses and short dark hair. She had listened to what Phineas had told the Irishman, and not wanting to get kicked out before she asked her question, she asked, "Does my ex-husband have any other children besides my daughter, Vanessa?"
"Yes, yes he does."
"With whom—?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but you already asked your question," said Phineas. He waved to indicate that she must leave.
The next askee was one of a man wearing a shirt that said, "In your face, orange juice!"
'"What is a good substitute for lemonade?" he asked the computer.
"The only known substitute for lemonade is orange juice."
The guy looked like he wanted to strangle the computer, but he let Ferb escort him away.
Meanwhile, Candace was in the kitchen, talking on the phone with Mrs. Fletcher.
"You've got to come home! Phineas and Ferb built this super-computer in the backyard and—"
"I'm sorry, Candace, I'm not coming home yet. I heard that there's some kind of device that can answer any question. I'm trying to locate it, but no one seems to know where it is. I plan to ask it if it can tell me why you are always making up stories about what your brothers are doing. Wait, I see a guy wearing a question mark on his chest…maybe he's the source. Gotta go."
"But Mom, that's what I'm trying—"
Then Candace realized that the dial tone was sounding in her ear, and she shut the phone.
"Oh wait, I think I know what is happening," said Doofenschmirtz, dodging Perry's blows with the sword. "The Gladinator not only puts the fighting instinct into one's head and magically puts suits of armor on people it shoots at, but it also puts the gladiator instinct, that if kept on long enough will completely take over a person's mind. I am more brilliant than I gave myself credit for!"
Perry backed Doofenschmirtz against a window, which Doofenschmirtz brought himself to peer out, while holding off Perry. "And look out the window, that little old lady must have the gladiator instanct…she hasn't gone down yet, and it looks like she's conquered many…"
Perry fought against the power of the Gladinator and backed himself to where the Gladinator was. Doofenschmirtz came toward him, but Perry lifted the Gladinator with his tail and hit the Deactivate button while it was aimed at Doofenschmirtz.
"Oh, thank you, Perry the Platypus," Doofenschmirtz said when he was back to normal. Perry's reflexes were still out of his control, and he advanced toward Doofenschmirtz, ready to stab…
"Perry the Platypus, you don't want to do that!"
But Perry's mind was gone. He dropped the Gladinator, and Doofenschmirtz had to run around and dodge to not get stabbed.
After a moment of being chased, Doofenschmirtz picked up the Gladinator and pressed a button, just as Perry stabbed him in the hip…
The Gladinator exploed, and Perry's mind came back to him. He saw that he had stabbed Doofenschmirtz in his madness.
"I pressed the self-destruct button. But it would really be helpful if you got me a Band-Aid, Perry the Platypus…that stabbing might leave a scar." Then Doofenschmirtz fainted. Perry went in search of a Band-Aid.
An annoying kid with a crewcut was now speaking to the computer. "How can I and my brother Thor make a better invention than Phineas and Ferb?"
"You can do so by going back in time, and switching your baby selves with Phineas and Ferb's baby selves in the cradle."
"Give it a rest, Thaddeus," said Phineas. "I'm afraid that a miniature shopping mall for the cat doesn't compete with a submarine machine."
"Phineas, we have enough money for the Save the Star-Nose Mole Foundation for the next hundred years!" Isabella said, her eyes shining.
"Well, if we have that much, we'd better close off our operations," Phineas said. "Just get the last twelve askees through the process, then escort them out. When everyone's gone I plan to ask my own question."
The next few people went through their questions, and the final askee was a zebra. "Will Candace marry me?" the zebra asked the computer.
"Yes, in a future fanfic, Candace will marry you. In this universe, however, Candace is going to marry Jeremy and have two kids, Xavier and Amanda. Then Candace and Jeremy will get a divorce, and she will marry somebody named Carl."
"How can you talk?" Isabella asked the zebra, having returned from the entrance to the backyeard.
"I taught myself to speak human language and walk on two legs to impress a female zebra. But when I managed this, the female zebra found me disgusting, which is why I asked if I could marry Candace, since she is my only hope and she is always dreaming about me."
Ferb escorted the zebra out. The zebra saw Candace waiting on the curb for her mother to come home.
"Oh hey, Candace," said the zebra. "I just asked the computer if you were going to marry me one day."
"That's nice," Candace said, not even listening. The zebra went on his way.
Then Mrs. Fletcher pulled into the driveway. Candace pounced on her immediately. "You've got to come to the backyard and see what Phineas and Ferb have built!"
"Here we go again."
In the backyard, after the zebra left, Phineas went up to the computer. "Now, can you tell use where out pet platypus, Perry, goes every day when we can't find him?"
"Perry is an undercover agent who fights against the evil Dr. Doofenschmirtz while wearing a fancy hat and with a watch on his wrist. He is a highly intelligent creature and it ironic that you keep on saying that platypuses don't do much."
Phineas looked dazed. "Ferb, it seems that the computer is defective. Do you have a hammer so I can destroy it?"
"Yes, yes he does, but you definitely don't want to destroy me, Phineas. I don't make good scrap metal."
"Well, too bad."
Phineas took the hammer and smashed the computer to bits.
At that moment, Candace appeared with her mother.
"What is it you wanted me to see? There's nothing here, Candace."
Candace smiled sheepishly. "Dang it, the invisible duct tape didn't work." She went to her room to sulk.